Permission to Feel Summary

Emotions are data, not directives—when we learn to listen to them, we unlock our ability to thrive in every aspect of life.

1. Emotions Are Vital Messengers

Many people grow up learning to suppress or ignore their emotions, mistakenly believing this will make them easier to deal with. Marc Brackett’s life story challenges this harmful idea. As a boy, he suffered immense emotional pain due to bullying and abuse but was taught to bottle up his feelings. This led to behavioral and academic problems, partly because his emotions were crying out for attention in unhealthy ways.

Emotions give us essential information about ourselves and the world. While society often pits logic against feeling, modern psychology shows that rational thought and emotion are tightly intertwined. Emotions affect decision-making, concentration, memory, and how we interact with others. Instead of being a distraction from rationality, they enrich it.

For Brackett, hope arrived in the form of an uncle who asked him the simple yet profound question: "How are you feeling?" This was the turning point where Brackett began to understand and accept his emotions. Learning to listen to those internal messages transformed his life, enabling him to develop healthier habits and relationships.

Examples

• Bullying drove Brackett to lash out, but no one explored why he was acting out until his uncle reached out.
• Scientists describe emotions as forming a "cognitive loop," directly influencing our perceptions of the world and our actions within it.
• Feeling anxious can alert us to potential risks, while joy can amplify our ability to connect with others.

2. Suppressed Emotions Can Turn Toxic

Negative feelings like anger, anxiety, or sadness often feel overwhelming, causing us to want to push them away. However, avoiding or suppressing emotions doesn’t make them vanish—it makes them stronger and, eventually, destructive. If left unresolved, they can lead to chronic stress and health problems like depression and even heart disease.

On the other hand, acknowledging and befriending difficult emotions can yield unexpected benefits. For instance, healthy doses of fear might make you more meticulous and thoughtful when making vital decisions. Anger, while uncomfortable, can highlight your values and boundaries and push you to take decisive action when needed.

When Brackett embraced his long-buried pain after his uncle's attentive question, he found a release. Instead of being trapped by his anger and sadness, he began to use these feelings to better understand himself and the world around him.

Examples

• Suppressing anger can increase risks of heart conditions due to prolonged adrenaline surges.
• A study found that short-term anxious states influence people to make more cautious, well-considered decisions.
• Reframing irritation as a signal rather than a burden can guide us to solutions for what truly troubles us.

3. Emotional Intelligence Isn’t Innate

You aren't born knowing how to handle your emotions, nor does being smart automatically mean you're emotionally skilled. Emotional intelligence is something that has to be learned and practiced. This may come as a surprise to many people who assume they "should" intuitively manage emotions because they’ve had feelings all their lives.

Brackett explains that emotional intelligence requires five key steps, which he combines into the acronym RULER: Recognizing, Understanding, Labeling, Expressing, and Regulating emotions. These skills can be taught at any stage of life, whether to children in school or adults in professional settings.

Learning to handle emotions like a scientist—observing them without judgment and looking for patterns—makes powerful changes possible. For instance, even brief emotion management training improves well-being and productivity.

Examples

• Students at a business school improved their ability to understand emotions after just 16 hours of training.
• High IQ individuals often lack emotional intelligence because it is unrelated to intellectual intelligence.
• The RULER approach helps people develop curiosity about emotions instead of fearing them.

4. Recognizing and Understanding Emotions Are the First Steps

Effective emotional intelligence starts with noticing when a feeling arises and figuring out its triggers. Imagine someone’s teenage daughter comes home furious and slams her bedroom door. Responding with anger might escalate the situation without addressing the source of her emotional storm. Instead, it’s critical to observe body language and tone of voice and focus on understanding why she is upset.

To assist with Recognizing emotions, Brackett advocates using the mood meter, which categorizes feelings based on energy (high or low) and pleasantness (positive or negative). This tool allows us to identify emotions more precisely.

The next step, Understanding, requires asking probing questions about the root causes of an emotion. Instead of jumping to conclusions—such as assuming your daughter hates school without asking her why first—it’s vital to gently dig up the emotion’s deeper layers.

Examples

• Someone slamming a door signals high energy and unpleasantness, which might appear as anger but could stem from fear or sadness.
• Using the mood meter, one can separate "irritation" from "rage" to assess intensity.
• By learning to recognize subtle cues like tone and posture, misunderstandings decrease significantly.

5. Naming Emotions Leads to Clarity

Why is it so hard for people to be honest about their feelings? For starters, most people have only a few words to describe their emotional states, which severely limits their ability to process and share them. Learning to label emotions—really finding the right word for what we’re feeling—has a huge calming effect.

For example, describing an emotionally charged experience, like fear of spiders, can lower its intensity. Labeling helps us break through fear of emotions themselves, making them more manageable.

Brackett describes labeling as a way of facing emotions head-on and taking control of how we define our reality. Once emotions are named, they stop being overwhelming mysteries and become something we can discuss and address.

Examples

• Experiment participants with arachnophobia labeled their fear, which enabled them to get closer to spiders than participants who avoided discussing their emotions.
• A precise label, such as "frustration" versus "despair," helps pinpoint the unique challenges tied to different moods.
• Expressing emotions clearly to friends or family often prompts understanding and cooperation.

6. Learning to Express Emotions Builds Connections

Expressing emotions is deeper than venting or complaining—it’s about sharing your feelings in a vulnerable and honest way that invites others to understand and support you. However, many people hide their emotions because they fear judgment or rejection.

In one study, teachers frequently reported stress but claimed to feel happy in public settings. Brackett emphasizes that this duality can lead to burnout. To thrive, people must feel safe sharing their true emotions.

Being open emotionally is not the same as dumping stress onto others. It’s about giving voice to the deeper feelings beneath frustration or hurt while finding constructive ways to talk about and manage them.

Examples

• Teachers who concealed their emotions were less engaged with students compared to those who found honest ways to express their struggles.
• Brackett’s transformation as a teen came from being able to cry and speak openly with his uncle for the first time.
• Work cultures where employees feel heard are less prone to burnout and higher in creativity.

7. Regulation Is About Balance, Not Control

Managing emotions doesn't mean repressing them. Instead, it means creating strategies to respond to triggers in a way that aligns with your best self. Whether you’re calming yourself down or channeling joy, regulation strengthens your ability to adapt.

Brackett describes “meta moments” where you pause before reacting emotionally. Imagine coming home to clutter everywhere and feeling your anger flare up—taking a deep breath allows time to reflect before yelling. This small pause can turn frustration into problem-solving instead of conflict.

Regulation often includes practices like mindful breathing, which helps calm the body's stress response and create mental clarity.

Examples

• People who anticipate feeling socially awkward at parties can mentally prepare calming strategies beforehand.
• Deep breathing activates the body's relaxation response, counteracting the physiological effects of anger.
• Reflecting on triggers at home, like clutter, helps parents model calmness for their children.

8. Teaching Emotional Skills Starts with Parents

Children are highly emotional, but they lack the tools to understand or process their feelings. For parents, this can often mean playing the vital role of co-regulator, offering hugs, guidance, or dialogue to help children navigate their emotions.

Teaching emotion skills begins with modeling them. Children soak up behaviors like sponges, so parents who handle their own emotions well naturally pass those skills on.

Once parents identify triggers and create a plan, they can respond to frustrations with patience and insight, preventing unnecessary conflicts and helping their children grow.

Examples

• Parents practicing calm breathing or taking "time-outs" model emotion regulation for their kids.
• A parent taking action to manage anger before helping with a tantrum avoids escalating a child’s stress.
• Asking, “What led to this behavior?” when a child acts out encourages both self-reflection and bonding.

9. Emotionally Skilled Workplaces and Schools Perform Better

In environments where emotional intelligence is a priority, people thrive. Students supported with emotion skills feel less overwhelmed, leading to better grades and fewer dropouts. Workers are more creative and productive when they’re in settings that value emotional health.

A study of American employees found that workplaces with emotionally intelligent managers reported higher engagement and lower stress. RULER strategies, applied at every level of leadership, can prevent burnout and improve collaboration.

Brackett shares that using emotional intelligence on an institutional level is transformative. Whether in schools or boardrooms, emotion skills create environments where both people and organizations succeed.

Examples

• Schools using the RULER curriculum see improvements in teacher retention and student well-being.
• Companies that train supervisors on emotional intelligence raise employee satisfaction by 50%.
• High school students taught emotional regulation report feeling calmer and more optimistic.

Takeaways

1. Use breathing exercises during moments of stress to calm your body and mind efficiently.
2. Practice naming specific emotions you feel during the day to improve emotional awareness.
3. Pay attention to non-verbal cues in others to better understand and empathize with their emotions.