Emotions are an integral part of the human experience, influencing every aspect of our lives from our relationships to our decision-making abilities. Yet many of us lack the skills to recognize and regulate our own emotions effectively. In his book "Permission to Feel", Marc Brackett explores the importance of emotional intelligence and provides practical strategies for developing these crucial skills.
Brackett, a professor and researcher in the field of emotional intelligence, draws on his personal experiences and extensive research to make a compelling case for why we need to pay more attention to our emotions. He argues that by learning to identify, understand, and manage our feelings, we can transform them from potential obstacles into powerful allies that provide vital information about ourselves and the world around us.
The book introduces readers to the RULER approach - a comprehensive system for developing emotional intelligence that has been implemented in schools and workplaces across the world. Through engaging anecdotes, scientific insights, and practical exercises, Brackett guides readers on a journey to become "emotion scientists" - individuals who approach their feelings with curiosity, openness, and a willingness to learn.
The Power of Emotions
Emotions Shape Our Reality
Brackett begins by challenging the long-held belief that emotions and rational thinking are separate processes. For thousands of years, dating back to the Stoic philosophers of ancient Greece, emotions were viewed as distractions from logical reasoning. Even in the field of psychology, emotions were largely dismissed as unimportant until the late 20th century.
However, recent research has definitively shown that emotions play a crucial role in our cognitive processes. Our brains gather information from our senses and process it through an emotional lens, which then informs how we perceive and act in the world. This "cognitive loop" means that our mood can significantly influence what we notice in our environment, what memories we recall, and how we make decisions.
For example, when we're feeling happy, we're more likely to notice positive things around us and recall pleasant memories, further enhancing our mood. Conversely, when we're feeling down, we tend to focus on negative aspects of our environment and dwell on unhappy thoughts, perpetuating our low mood. This demonstrates how our emotions can create self-reinforcing cycles that shape our experience of reality.
Our emotional state also has a profound impact on our decision-making processes. Feeling anxious might make us overly cautious and assume negative outcomes, while excitement could lead us to be overly optimistic and underestimate risks. This interconnection between emotions and cognition means that there is no such thing as purely rational decision-making - our feelings are always part of the equation.
The Consequences of Emotional Suppression
Despite the importance of emotions in our lives, many of us have been taught from a young age to suppress or ignore our feelings, especially negative ones. Brackett shares his own childhood experiences of emotional suppression, describing how he learned to push down his feelings of pain, loneliness, and anger in response to bullying and sexual abuse.
However, attempting to suppress emotions often backfires, leading to more intense and distorted feelings over time. This can result in chronic stress, depression, and even physical health problems. When we don't allow ourselves to experience and process our emotions in a healthy way, they can manifest in destructive behaviors or physical symptoms.
Brackett emphasizes that suppressing emotions has serious consequences for our overall well-being. Chronic stress from unresolved emotional issues can keep our bodies in a constant state of "survival mode," preventing important processes of repair and rejuvenation. This prolonged state of stress is associated with a range of health problems, including heart disease, weakened immune function, and accelerated aging.
Moreover, emotional suppression can lead to a disconnect from ourselves and others. When we're not in touch with our own feelings, it becomes difficult to empathize with and relate to others, potentially damaging our relationships and social connections.
Harnessing Negative Emotions
Rather than trying to eliminate negative emotions, Brackett argues that we should learn to befriend and harness them for positive outcomes. Each emotion, even those we typically label as "negative," serves a purpose and can provide valuable information or motivation when understood and managed properly.
For example, fear and anxiety, while uncomfortable, can help us stay alert and focused when facing important tasks or decisions. A moderate level of stress can improve our performance and motivate us to work harder. Anger, often viewed as a destructive emotion, can actually be a powerful force for change when channeled appropriately. It helps us recognize our boundaries and can provide the energy needed to confront injustices or solve problems.
The key is learning to identify these emotions accurately, understand their underlying causes, and respond to them in constructive ways. By doing so, we can transform potentially destructive feelings into valuable tools for personal growth and positive action.
Becoming an Emotion Scientist
The RULER Approach
To help people develop their emotional intelligence, Brackett introduces the RULER approach - a comprehensive framework for understanding and managing emotions. RULER is an acronym that stands for five key skills:
- Recognizing emotions in oneself and others
- Understanding the causes and consequences of emotions
- Labeling emotions with precise words
- Expressing emotions appropriately
- Regulating emotions effectively
These skills form the foundation of emotional intelligence and can be learned and improved with practice. Brackett emphasizes that becoming emotionally intelligent doesn't mean we never experience negative emotions or never make mistakes. Instead, it's about developing the ability to navigate our emotional landscape more skillfully, learning from our experiences, and responding to situations in more constructive ways.
Recognizing Emotions
The first step in developing emotional intelligence is learning to recognize emotions in ourselves and others. This involves paying attention to various cues, including facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, and our own internal sensations.
Brackett introduces the concept of the "mood meter," a tool developed by psychologist James Russell to help people identify and categorize emotions. The mood meter is a graph with two axes: energy level (from low to high) and pleasantness (from unpleasant to pleasant). By plotting our current emotional state on this graph, we can gain a clearer understanding of what we're feeling and how intense those feelings are.
Recognizing emotions requires practice and a willingness to tune into our experiences without judgment. It's about becoming curious about our feelings and those of others, rather than immediately trying to change or suppress them.
Understanding Emotions
Once we can recognize emotions, the next step is to understand their causes and potential consequences. This involves asking ourselves "why" we're feeling a certain way and exploring the triggers and underlying beliefs that contribute to our emotional responses.
Understanding emotions also means recognizing how they might influence our thoughts, behaviors, and decision-making processes. For example, we might realize that feeling anxious about a presentation at work is causing us to procrastinate, or that excitement about a new relationship is making us overlook potential red flags.
By gaining a deeper understanding of our emotions, we can start to see patterns in our responses and develop more effective strategies for managing challenging situations.
Labeling Emotions
The ability to accurately label our emotions with specific words is a crucial skill in emotional intelligence. Many of us have a limited emotional vocabulary, often defaulting to vague terms like "fine" or "okay" when asked how we're feeling. However, being able to pinpoint and articulate our emotions with precision can help us process them more effectively.
Brackett encourages readers to expand their emotional vocabulary, moving beyond basic labels like "sad" or "angry" to more nuanced descriptors. For example, instead of just feeling "bad," we might recognize that we're feeling disappointed, frustrated, or discouraged. This level of specificity can help us better understand our emotional state and communicate it to others.
Research has shown that the act of labeling emotions can actually help reduce their intensity. In one study mentioned by Brackett, people with severe arachnophobia (fear of spiders) were better able to approach spiders when they described their feelings in detail, compared to those who used neutral language. By giving our emotions names, we make them more manageable and less overwhelming.
Expressing Emotions
Learning to express emotions appropriately is another key aspect of emotional intelligence. This doesn't mean constantly venting or dumping our feelings on others, but rather finding healthy ways to communicate our emotional experiences.
Brackett emphasizes the importance of creating safe spaces where people feel comfortable expressing their true feelings. In many settings, such as schools or workplaces, people often hide their negative emotions out of fear of judgment or repercussions. However, this suppression can lead to increased stress and decreased well-being.
By fostering environments where emotional expression is encouraged and respected, we can build stronger relationships, improve communication, and create more supportive communities. This might involve practicing active listening, showing empathy, and validating others' emotional experiences.
Regulating Emotions
The final skill in the RULER approach is learning to regulate our emotions effectively. This doesn't mean suppressing or eliminating emotions, but rather developing strategies to manage them in healthy ways.
Emotion regulation involves a range of techniques, from simple practices like deep breathing or mindfulness to more complex cognitive strategies. Brackett introduces the concept of the "meta-moment" - a brief pause between an emotional trigger and our response, during which we can choose how to react.
During this meta-moment, we can ask ourselves questions like "How would my best self handle this situation?" or "What strategy could I use to manage this emotion?" This pause allows us to respond more thoughtfully and align our actions with our values and goals.
Brackett also emphasizes the importance of self-care in emotional regulation. Getting enough sleep, exercising regularly, maintaining a healthy diet, and engaging in activities we enjoy can all contribute to our overall emotional well-being and make it easier to manage difficult emotions when they arise.
Emotional Intelligence in Practice
Emotional Intelligence in Parenting
One of the most important applications of emotional intelligence is in parenting. Children learn how to recognize, understand, and manage emotions primarily through their interactions with caregivers. By developing our own emotional intelligence, we can better support our children's emotional development.
Brackett emphasizes the importance of co-regulation - the process by which adults help children manage their emotions. This might involve comforting a distressed child, helping them name their feelings, or providing strategies for calming down during a tantrum.
Parents can also model emotional intelligence by openly discussing their own feelings and demonstrating healthy ways of managing emotions. This might involve talking through a frustrating situation, showing how to take deep breaths when angry, or explaining the thought process behind an emotional decision.
It's crucial to have realistic expectations about children's emotional capabilities at different ages. Very young children have intense emotions but little ability to regulate them on their own. As children grow, they gradually develop more sophisticated emotional skills, but they continue to need support and guidance well into adolescence and beyond.
Emotional Intelligence in Schools
Schools play a critical role in developing children's emotional intelligence, yet many educational systems focus primarily on academic skills while neglecting emotional and social learning. Brackett argues for a more balanced approach that integrates emotional intelligence into all aspects of education.
Implementing emotional intelligence programs in schools can have far-reaching benefits. Research has shown that students in schools using the RULER approach demonstrate improved academic performance, better behavior, enhanced social skills, and greater overall well-being. Teachers also report lower levels of stress and burnout when working in emotionally intelligent environments.
Brackett provides examples of how emotional intelligence can be incorporated into the school day. This might include starting classes with a mood check-in, using the mood meter to discuss characters' emotions in literature, or teaching conflict resolution skills during recess. By making emotional intelligence a priority, schools can create more positive, supportive learning environments that benefit both students and staff.
Emotional Intelligence in the Workplace
The principles of emotional intelligence are equally applicable in professional settings. Brackett's research has shown that employees who work in emotionally intelligent environments report higher job satisfaction, greater engagement, and lower levels of stress and burnout.
Leaders who demonstrate high emotional intelligence are better able to motivate their teams, resolve conflicts, and create a positive work culture. They're more attuned to the needs and feelings of their employees, which allows them to provide more effective support and guidance.
Implementing emotional intelligence practices in the workplace might involve regular check-ins about how team members are feeling, training in active listening and empathy, or creating spaces for open and honest communication about workplace challenges. By prioritizing emotional intelligence, organizations can foster more collaborative, innovative, and productive work environments.
Overcoming Barriers to Emotional Intelligence
Cultural and Societal Barriers
Brackett acknowledges that there are often significant cultural and societal barriers to developing emotional intelligence. In many cultures, expressing certain emotions (particularly negative ones) is seen as a sign of weakness or lack of control. Men, in particular, often face strong social pressure to suppress their emotions.
To overcome these barriers, Brackett argues for a broader cultural shift in how we view and value emotions. This involves challenging long-held beliefs about emotional expression and recognizing the strength that comes from emotional awareness and regulation.
Personal Resistance
Even when we intellectually understand the importance of emotional intelligence, we may still resist putting it into practice. This resistance can stem from fear of vulnerability, ingrained habits of emotional suppression, or simply the discomfort of change.
Brackett encourages readers to approach this resistance with curiosity and compassion. It's natural to feel uncomfortable when exploring our emotions, especially if we're not used to doing so. The key is to start small, be patient with ourselves, and recognize that developing emotional intelligence is a lifelong journey.
Systemic Challenges
Implementing emotional intelligence practices on a larger scale - in schools, workplaces, or communities - often faces systemic challenges. These might include lack of resources, resistance from leadership, or competing priorities.
Brackett provides strategies for advocating for emotional intelligence in various settings. This might involve presenting research on the benefits of emotional intelligence, starting small pilot programs to demonstrate effectiveness, or partnering with like-minded individuals to create change from within organizations.
The Future of Emotional Intelligence
Ongoing Research
The field of emotional intelligence is continually evolving, with new research providing deeper insights into how emotions work and how we can better manage them. Brackett discusses some of the exciting developments in neuroscience, psychology, and education that are shaping our understanding of emotional intelligence.
For example, advances in brain imaging technology are allowing researchers to see in real-time how emotions impact various brain regions and influence our cognitive processes. This research is providing concrete evidence for the interconnectedness of emotions and thought, further underlining the importance of emotional intelligence.
Technology and Emotional Intelligence
Brackett also explores the role of technology in developing emotional intelligence. While excessive screen time and social media use have been linked to decreased emotional awareness and empathy, technology also offers new tools for understanding and managing our emotions.
Apps that help users track their moods, practice mindfulness, or learn emotional regulation techniques are becoming increasingly popular. Virtual reality is being used to create immersive experiences that help people develop empathy and emotional resilience. Artificial intelligence is being employed to analyze facial expressions and vocal tones, potentially assisting in emotion recognition.
While Brackett cautions against over-reliance on technology, he sees potential for these tools to complement traditional methods of developing emotional intelligence.
A Vision for an Emotionally Intelligent Society
In the final sections of the book, Brackett presents his vision for a society that fully embraces emotional intelligence. He imagines schools where emotional skills are taught alongside academic subjects, workplaces that prioritize employee well-being, and communities where people feel safe expressing and discussing their emotions openly.
This emotionally intelligent society, Brackett argues, would be more compassionate, innovative, and resilient. By understanding and managing our emotions more effectively, we could reduce conflict, improve mental health, and create more fulfilling relationships at all levels of society.
While acknowledging that this vision may seem idealistic, Brackett emphasizes that small changes can lead to significant impacts over time. Every individual who develops their emotional intelligence contributes to a broader cultural shift towards greater emotional awareness and understanding.
Conclusion
"Permission to Feel" makes a compelling case for the importance of emotional intelligence in our personal lives, our relationships, and our society as a whole. By learning to recognize, understand, label, express, and regulate our emotions, we can transform our relationship with our feelings from one of fear or avoidance to one of curiosity and acceptance.
Brackett's RULER approach provides a practical framework for developing these crucial skills, applicable in a wide range of settings from parenting to education to professional environments. Through engaging stories, scientific insights, and practical exercises, the book offers readers a roadmap for becoming "emotion scientists" - individuals who approach their feelings with openness, understanding, and a willingness to learn.
The journey towards emotional intelligence is not always easy. It requires vulnerability, self-reflection, and a willingness to challenge long-held beliefs and habits. However, the potential benefits - improved relationships, better mental health, enhanced decision-making, and a more fulfilling life overall - make it a journey well worth undertaking.
As Brackett reminds us throughout the book, emotions are not something to be feared or suppressed, but rather valuable sources of information and motivation. By giving ourselves permission to feel, and developing the skills to navigate our emotional landscape, we open up new possibilities for growth, connection, and well-being.
In a world that often seems increasingly divided and stressed, the message of "Permission to Feel" offers hope. By cultivating emotional intelligence on both personal and societal levels, we have the potential to create more compassionate, resilient, and thriving communities. It's a vision that starts with each individual giving themselves permission to feel, and in doing so, embarking on a transformative journey of emotional discovery and growth.