Selfless

"Who is feeling these sensations and conjuring these thoughts?” This book invites you to explore a profound idea: your self isn't something you're born with—it's something you're shaped into through your relationships and experiences.

1. The Self is a Social Creation

The self isn't an innate part of you; it's built through relationships and interactions throughout your life. Brian Lowery proposes that we aren’t born with a fixed self; instead, who we are constantly forms and adapts as we connect with others.

Lowery challenges traditional views from Freud and Cooley, shifting the focus away from biology and internal cores. Instead, he frames the self as a not-so-tangible but deeply impactful construct shaped by those around you. Every interaction, whether fleeting or prolonged, leaves a mark on how you see and experience yourself.

Even after death, your self lives on through the legacy of your relationships. Your values, memories, and influence persist in the lives of those you’ve touched. Thus, the self transcends physical form, morphing as a reflection of the bonds you’ve made.

Examples

• A person who moves to a new country finds their traditions evolving as they adopt local customs.
• A teacher influences a student’s career path, reshaping that student’s understanding of their capabilities.
• A parent passes down values like honesty or generosity that persist even after their passing.

2. Family Defines Your First Identity

The family into which you're born profoundly shapes your initial self. Families are our first connections, teaching us how to navigate the world and embedding their beliefs and attitudes into our perception.

Imagine growing up in a family with celebrity status versus an average household. The former might instill a sense of privilege or entitlement, while the latter could promote humility and a strong work ethic. Moreover, the political or cultural views of your family likely shape your early perspectives on morality, success, and how society operates.

But family isn't the sole architect of the self. Your birth family sets the stage, but as you encounter friends and other relationships, your identity evolves and expands. Still, the family connection remains foundational throughout your life.

Examples

• Parents who encourage artistic pursuits often inspire children to identify as creative individuals.
• A sibling’s diligence may set a standard for you to follow in your personal or professional life.
• A child raised by environmentally conscious parents might adopt strong ecological values.

3. Friendships Broaden Your Identity

Our friends become essential co-creators of our evolving selves. Unlike family, who influence us early and often with shared genetics or proximity, friends bring in diversity. They introduce new viewpoints, challenge our beliefs, and expand our horizons.

Friendships teach social skills, boundaries, and empathy. Through these relationships, we learn to listen, adapt, and see the world differently. Even short-term friendships can offer valuable lessons or cause small shifts in how we approach life.

Romantic relationships also redefine us. When we open ourselves emotionally, we risk being changed deeply—whether by love or heartbreak. And every connection, friendship, or partnership contributes to the mosaic of the self.

Examples

• A new friend introduces you to a sport, changing your routines and what you consider fun.
• A close friend’s kindness inspires you to be more generous with others.
• Ending a toxic friendship prompts you to set better boundaries moving forward.

4. Communities as Identity Builders

Communities, no matter how large or small, shape us by giving us a greater sense of belonging. Whether it’s your neighborhood, a sports team, or even an online fandom, your communities influence your self through their expectations, norms, and values.

Your group influences how you speak, dress, and behave. You might pick up habits and beliefs without realizing it, all because of the larger collective. However, rejection from a group can hurt deeply, shaking your sense of self.

That said, group dynamics can work both ways—you don’t just absorb influence from a community, you also send some out in return. Your actions can help set the tone for mutual growth and transformation, both yours and the group’s.

Examples

• Joining a gym introduces you to a health-focused way of life, which gradually shifts your habits.
• Being part of a cultural community shapes how you celebrate traditions and understand heritage.
• Participating in disaster relief connects you with a moral identity centered around service.

5. Nation-States Play a Subtle but Significant Role

Your country of residence plays a larger part in shaping yourself than you might initially realize. Societal laws, cultural values, and even geographical limitations form the foundation of what is considered acceptable or possible.

The nation-state establishes laws that shape morality and communal life. Your environment—whether a bustling city or quiet rural area—defines your experiences and often constrains your worldview. Being a citizen or inhabitant also brings certain rights and responsibilities that influence the way you identify yourself.

Being recognized or denied recognition by your nation-state has tangible effects on self-esteem and access to resources. Your self forms around the structure the state provides, yet often remains invisible until challenged by exclusions or injustices.

Examples

• Living in a city with a strong emphasis on community services fosters a sense of social responsibility.
• Government education initiatives provide opportunities that shape your intellectual self early in life.
• Political upheaval or conflict in a nation often leads individuals to rethink their identity entirely.

6. Technology Makes and Breaks the Self

Technology is shaping the modern self in unique ways. Digital platforms allow you to create connections globally, forming identities online that might diverge from your offline persona.

Online spaces are freeing—they may enable users to embrace identities the real world suppresses. However, technology also limits exposure through influence algorithms, creating echo chambers instead of true freedom.

This vast informational reach lets you explore cultures and ideas you might never have encountered otherwise. But with great exposure comes great responsibility; you must learn to curate your digital interactions carefully to ensure they enrich rather than confine you.

Examples

• Social networks help people find activism communities across countries.
• Virtual identities help individuals explore versions of themselves prohibited by local societies.
• Overuse of a single news app can narrow one’s understanding of world events and perspectives.

7. The Self Is Always Changing

The self is a flexible entity that shifts constantly due to both major events and tiny, day-to-day occurrences. Changes in relationships, job roles, or health conditions can fundamentally alter how we see ourselves.

Small interactions can also nudge you in different directions. While these changes may seem inconsequential in the moment, they accumulate over time, making the self an evolving and unpredictable phenomenon.

Instead of being one “true self,” you’re more like a collection of selves, differing depending on who you interact with or the situation you’re in. No matter where you are, though, all those versions reflect who you truly are.

Examples

• A breakup prompts a person to discover more about their independence.
• Over time, coworkers reshape your opinion on controversial workplace practices.
• Seven years of subtle habit changes turn an athletic hobbyist into a marathoner.

8. You Are Many Selves, Not One

Your “self” isn’t a single entity. You can be a different person at home, at work, and with friends. This doesn’t mean your self is inauthentic; it’s just wonderfully multifaceted.

The self you show at work might be assertive and professional, while the one with friends is goofy and laid-back. Each role is real—just different aspects of the same you. This capacity to shift and adapt actually builds stronger relationships.

Ultimately, these various self-identities reflect the diverse relationships and roles you inhabit. There’s no single “true” self, just many facets of the complex person you are.

Examples

• A parent becomes a “cheerleader” self when encouraging their child at sports events.
• A teacher might embody an “authoritative” self while addressing students, then switch to compassionate when listening to a struggling one-on-one.
• A musician shifts their identity in a professional studio versus a casual band rehearsal.

9. Freedom and Its Irony

The desire for total freedom may seem universal, but complete liberation from relationships also means losing the self altogether. Since the self exists through interactions, freedom isn’t about unattached independence.

Instead of resenting societal or relational boundaries, you might see them as frameworks that guide and create you. Those connections allow for meaning and identity, even when they come with limitations.

Seeking freedom, then, becomes not a quest for isolation but a recalibration of relationships. By embracing these ties, you become more fully yourself.

Examples

• A friendship might feel demanding, but it also offers unparalleled support in times of crisis.
• A limiting workplace rule can push you to build creative workarounds, spurring growth.
• Parenting limits personal independence but provides deep relationships and a sense of purpose.

Takeaways

1. Cultivate enriching relationships that align with the person you aspire to become.
2. Remain open to change – allow small shifts or transformations to refine your perspectives.
3. Approach technology critically, ensuring it broadens your horizons rather than narrowing them.