She/He/They/Me Summary

Gender isn’t a fixed reality but a landscape of endless possibilities. How do we learn to navigate it?

1. Gender is not binary or fixed

Gender has traditionally been simplified into a binary – male or female – based on biological differences like genitalia. Cultural norms commonly assign behaviors, roles, and identities accordingly, equating masculinity with dominance and femininity with submission. However, this binary view limits understanding.

The book argues that gender exists on a spectrum, intertwined with but not restricted by biological sex. Concepts like gender identity, which is how individuals perceive themselves, and gender expression, or how they portray this identity, provide more depth to the discussion. These factors don’t always align neatly with societal norms or biological sex.

Without considering this spectrum, the binary view can enforce stereotypes and mask the diversity of human experiences. It’s important to question these historical assumptions about what’s “normal,” as gender involves more dimensions than traditional binaries suggest.

Examples

• Masculine traits, such as being rational, are often deemed superior to so-called feminine traits like being emotional.
• Nonbinary individuals challenge the male/female binary by identifying outside of those categories.
• Many historical cultures, like the ancient Greeks, had varying views of gender that didn’t strictly adhere to today’s binary distinctions.

2. Societies can function without gender

The concept of a genderless society challenges how we view the importance of gender. A world without gender would still recognize differences in biological sex, but these differences wouldn’t dictate societal roles or expectations.

In such a society, a person’s reproductive anatomy would carry no more social weight than their height or eye color. Gender categories like “man” or “woman” wouldn’t exist, nor would they shape power dynamics or social norms. It would allow people to interact without preconceived gender expectations.

Though this idea is mostly hypothetical, some evidence of less gendered societies comes from history. For example, the Yoruba of pre-colonial Africa valued seniority over gender as a measure of social status. This suggests that human civilization can—at least at times—operate without deeply ingrained gender divisions.

Examples

• Modern hair color differences hold no societal importance, showing how biology doesn’t need to drive social roles.
• The Mundugumor tribe of Papua New Guinea didn’t make strong distinctions between girls’ and boys’ roles.
• The Yoruba people judged authority by age instead of gender.

3. Societies can have one, three, or infinite genders

Historical and modern examples show that societies can define gender in numerous ways. While two-gender systems dominate today, other cultures have had distinct alternatives that defy this dichotomy.

In one-gender systems, like ancient Greece, women were seen as inferior versions of men, essentially erasing gender distinction outside of male superiority. Contrasting this, societies like the Mohave in North America recognized more than two genders, such as the alyha, a gender-variant category for boys who exhibited traditionally feminine traits. Infinite-gender systems, though hypothetical for now, imagine every individual having a unique, personal version of gender.

These examples demonstrate how attitudes toward gender are cultural, not universal truths. They are constructed and can be reconstructed in infinite ways.

Examples

• In ancient Greece, men and women were viewed as variations of the same gender.
• The Mohave tribe had gender categories beyond “male” and “female.”
• Infinite-gender systems allow each person to create their gender identity entirely based on individuality.

4. Two-gender societies vary greatly

Even within two-gender societies, the definitions of masculinity and femininity differ significantly depending on culture and era. What one society deems “masculine” or “feminine” can sharply contrast with another’s expectations.

For instance, 18th-century Southern gentlemen in America defined masculinity through leisure and refinement, while Northern artisans prized physical labor and strength. Today’s masculinity leans toward toughness and risk-taking. Similarly, femininity ranges dramatically; American girls may be taught passivity, while the Mundugumor raised both girls and boys to be aggressive.

These examples highlight how gender norms are social constructs, shaped by culture and history, rather than inherent truths about men or women.

Examples

• Plantation owners’ sons in Southern U.S. history valued poetry and fine wines as masculine.
• Contemporary American boys are often taught to “act tough” and avoid showing vulnerability.
• Papua New Guinea’s Arapesh tribe taught gentleness equally to boys and girls.

5. Gender socialization begins in childhood

Children learn gender norms through a process called gender socialization. They’re rewarded when they conform to societal expectations and punished when they deviate from them. This socialization imparts the “rules” of masculinity and femininity.

Parents, teachers, and peers enforce norms in ways that may seem subtle but profoundly shape behavior. For instance, an American girl praised for nurturing a doll learns passivity and care, while boys praised for assertiveness internalize leadership. On the other hand, cultures like the Arapesh of Papua New Guinea taught children to embody the same gentle characteristics, regardless of gender.

Understanding how gender norms are introduced early on illuminates how deeply ingrained these expectations become—and the consequences of defying them.

Examples

• Girls are often called "bossy" for assertiveness, while boys are labeled "leaders."
• Margaret Mead’s study showed the Mundugumor tribe encouraged both genders to be aggressive.
• By playing with dolls, children are subtly prepared for gendered adult roles like caregiving.

6. Gender roles maintain power structures

In two-gender societies, gender norms prepare individuals for unequal roles in adulthood. Boys are groomed for positions of power, while girls are steered toward caregiving and subservience, reinforcing patriarchal systems.

Public and private spheres reflect this disparity: men dominate politics, high-paying jobs, and leadership roles, while women often do more unpaid caregiving and household work. This systemic inequality is seen worldwide, albeit to varying degrees. Even nations like Rwanda, where women hold prominent political positions, still maintain male dominance in private and domestic settings.

Understanding this linkage between socialization and power systems clarifies why patriarchies have persisted throughout history, driven by entrenched norms.

Examples

• Women politicians in Rwanda face traditional household expectations despite professional success.
• Western women often juggle a “second shift” of household labor after their paid job.
• Emotional labor—such as smiling in customer service roles—is disproportionately expected of women.

7. Matriarchies are not mirror images of patriarchies

Matriarchal societies, though rare, wouldn’t necessarily just flip patriarchy on its head. Often, when women dominate, societies lean toward equality and consensus rather than rigid hierarchies.

For instance, resources in matriarchal communities are distributed more evenly, and decisions tend to be group-based rather than unilateral. This suggests an alternative way to structure society where dominance isn’t the primary goal. Skeptics argue that total gender equality may remain elusive as long as we operate under dichotomous gender systems that can inherently create imbalances.

Imagining matriarchal or egalitarian societies helps us question deeply patriarchal systems while exploring new ways of organizing power and gender.

Examples

• Some matriarchal societies distribute resources equally to minimize hierarchy.
• Decisions in these communities often involve collective consensus.
• Critics of the male/female binary argue that eliminating gender divides entirely could resolve inequality.

8. Intersex individuals reveal gender’s complexity

Intersex conditions challenge the typical narratives about biological sex and gender. Many families and doctors adhere to concealment models that assign intersex infants a definitive gender through irreversible surgery, often without their consent.

An alternative model suggests assigning a temporary gender and allowing individuals to determine their own identity later. This approach respects their autonomy and avoids confining them to a singular path. Intersex experiences emphasize that even biological markers of sex don’t always fit neatly into male or female categories, further complicating ideas about gender.

Exploring intersex lives sheds light on how imposed assignments reflect society’s obsession with gender conformity.

Examples

• 1.7% of people have intersex traits—similar to the percentage of people with red hair.
• Genital surgery for intersex infants is often irreversible and invasive.
• The patient-centered model sees intersex traits as natural variations, not illnesses.

9. Gender intersects with sexuality and expression

Your gender identity is just one piece of how you experience gender. Gender expression defines how you portray yourself, while sexual orientation shapes whom you desire. These aspects can intersect in surprising ways.

For example, someone identifying as a man may reject masculine norms, leading others to question their sexual orientation unfairly. Similarly, heteronormativity perpetuates the belief that being straight is “default,” limiting how people view non-straight orientations like pansexuality or asexuality. Individuals often face judgment or exclusion when their gender expression or identity challenges societal norms.

Acknowledging these intersections helps broaden our understanding of people’s diverse and valid gender experiences.

Examples

• A boy wearing pink may face teasing, regardless of whether he’s gay or straight.
• Pansexual individuals appreciate people beyond restrictive gender categories.
• Sociologist Betsy Lucal identifies as a woman but dresses gender-nonconforming, causing confusion in public spaces.

Takeaways

1. Challenge traditional views of masculinity and femininity by recognizing gender as a spectrum.
2. Advocate for approaches like the patient-centered model to give individuals control over their gender identities.
3. Encourage diverse expressions of gender and resist societal norms that enforce rigid binary roles.