The Other Significant Others

Introduction

We live in a society that places romantic partnerships on a pedestal, viewing them as the ultimate form of connection and the key to a fulfilling life. But what if our most important relationship wasn't a romantic one? In her thought-provoking book "The Other Significant Others," Rhaina Cohen challenges our assumptions about love, commitment, and family by exploring the rich world of platonic partnerships.

Through compelling stories of friends who have built deeply committed lives together, Cohen invites us to broaden our understanding of meaningful relationships and reconsider the roles that love, intimacy, and commitment play outside the realm of romance. This book encourages readers to embrace a more expansive view of human connection and pursue the relationships that matter most to them, regardless of societal expectations.

Beyond Friendship: The Power of Platonic Partnerships

Historical Context

To understand the potential of platonic partnerships, we must first look back in history. For centuries, intimate same-sex friendships were not only common but celebrated. These bonds often included features we now associate exclusively with romantic relationships:

• Passionate language
• Cohabitation
• Shared finances
• Lifelong devotion

In contrast, marriage often served more practical purposes. Friends, rather than spouses, were frequently people's primary source of emotional connection.

The Modern Dilemma

In recent decades, our expectations of romantic partnerships have expanded dramatically. We now expect our spouses to fulfill multiple roles:

• Best friend
• Lover
• Life coach
• Emotional support system

This shift has two significant consequences:

1. It leaves less room for deep friendships outside of marriage.
2. It places immense pressure on romantic partnerships to meet all our needs.

While some couples may find this arrangement fulfilling, many others discover that marriage falls short of their hopes and expectations.

The Benefits of a Diverse "Relationship Portfolio"

Research suggests that having a variety of close relationships leads to greater happiness and reduced stress. However, modern society lacks the language, rituals, and understanding to fully appreciate platonic partnerships that transcend typical friendships.

Andrew and Toly: A Case Study in Platonic Commitment

The story of Andrew and Toly illustrates the depth and complexity of platonic partnerships. These two close friends have built their lives around each other in ways that mirror a married couple:

• They are roommates
• They engage in intellectual discussions and debates
• They collaborate on academic and activist projects
• They make major life decisions with each other in mind

Their commitment to one another is so profound that people often assume they must be romantically involved. This assumption highlights our society's limited understanding of deep, non-romantic bonds.

Andrew and Toly's story challenges us to recognize that love, commitment, and intimacy can exist outside the confines of sexual attraction and romantic relationships.

Sex Isn't Everything: Redefining Intimacy and Commitment

Challenging Assumptions

When we encounter two people who are extremely close, we often jump to the conclusion that they must be sexually involved. This is especially true for connections between heterosexual men and women. However, this view severely limits our understanding of relationships and sexuality.

Stacey and Grace: Love Without Sex

The story of Stacey and Grace provides a powerful example of a deep, committed relationship that exists without sexual intimacy. Their bond, which began in college, is characterized by:

• Extraordinary emotional attunement
• Mutual support
• Intertwined life choices
• Physical affection (e.g., cuddling)
• Discussions of future milestones (co-parenting, marriage, growing old together)

Despite the depth of their connection, Stacey and Grace are not sexually involved. In fact, Stacey identifies as asexual.

Love vs. Lust: Distinct Biological Foundations

Psychological research has shown that love and lust have separate biological underpinnings and evolutionary functions. Love is fundamentally an attachment bond, which can exist independently of sexual desire. This understanding challenges the notion that sex is essential for committed companionship.

The Spectrum of Romantic and Platonic Love

The experiences of Stacey and Grace highlight the blurry lines between romantic and platonic love. Many friendships exhibit elements traditionally associated with romance, such as:

• Affection
• Commitment
• A sense of unity

This suggests that romantic and platonic partnerships may exist on a continuum rather than as distinct categories. Sex can be a component of either type of relationship but is not a requirement for depth or commitment.

Challenging Compulsory Sexuality

The belief that a "normal" life must include sex – known as compulsory sexuality – can stigmatize asexuality and make deep, nonsexual bonds feel incomplete. Stacey and Grace's story challenges this notion, demonstrating that a partnership without sex can be just as steady, encompassing, and affectionate as a sexual relationship.

Challenging Social Expectations: A Path to Self-Discovery

Art and Nick: Redefining Masculinity and Friendship

The story of Art and Nick, two Christian youth pastors, illustrates how forging unconventional friendships can lead to personal growth and a deeper sense of autonomy. Their journey highlights the transformative power of questioning societal norms around gender, sexuality, and relationships.

Initial Struggles

• Art is openly gay and committed to celibacy due to his faith
• Nick is straight and initially struggled with "homohysteria" – the fear of being perceived as gay due to his closeness with Art
• Nick worried about his conservative family's reaction to their intimacy

The Evolution of Their Friendship

Over time, Art helped Nick examine the roots of his discomfort:

• Was it based on moral convictions or social norms and personal hang-ups?
• Nick learned to prioritize their friendship over others' judgments
• He began to shed his aversion to physical affection and emotional vulnerability with other men

A Radical Decision

Art and Nick made the unconventional choice to build a life as platonic partners:

• They moved in together, forming an intentional family unit
• They share a home and intertwine their day-to-day lives
• They've faced challenges, including navigating Nick's romantic relationships and backlash from their conservative religious community

The Impact of Their Choice

By forgoing society's standard blueprint for relationships, Art and Nick have:

• Cultivated a uniquely beautiful bond
• Created space for greater vulnerability and closeness
• Demonstrated how platonic love can lead to self-discovery and personal growth

Their story raises important questions about the possibilities that might unfold if we dare to question norms around gender, sexuality, and relationships.

Friends as Family: Redefining Parenthood and Support Systems

Natasha and Lynda: An Unconventional Parenting Partnership

The story of Natasha and Lynda, two law professors who became co-parents, challenges traditional notions of family and demonstrates how platonic relationships can create loving, supportive family structures.

The Beginning of Their Journey

• Natasha, a single woman, decided to have a child via sperm donation
• Lynda volunteered to be her "birth coach"
• Lynda provided extensive support during Natasha's pregnancy and the birth of her son, Elaan

Forming an Unbreakable Bond

• Elaan was born with disabilities due to complications during birth
• Lynda and Elaan formed a deep connection in those early days
• The two women naturally fell into co-parenting roles

Seeking Legal Recognition

After five years, Natasha and Lynda sought legal recognition of their family:

• They faced hurdles in the legal system
• Eventually, Lynda was recognized as Elaan's second parent
• The court affirmed that the substance of Lynda's relationship with Elaan mattered more than romance between the adults

Challenging the Nuclear Family Ideal

Their story demonstrates that:

• The nuclear family anchored by a married heterosexual couple is not the only path to stability for children
• Historically, many groups (single mothers, immigrants, LGBTQ individuals) have innovated family constellations out of necessity and love
• Research suggests that warmth and support within a family matter more than its structure

The Strengths of Platonic Parenting

When built on deep friendship, platonic parenting can offer unique advantages:

• Greater equality
• Flexibility
• Stability

As Lynda says, the key is the chemistry between the individuals involved. Their story shows that where love exists, there are many ways to make a family.

Growing Older Together: Platonic Partnerships in Later Life

Inez and Barb: A Golden Girls Arrangement

The story of Inez and Barb, two friends who have shared a home for over 20 years, illustrates how deep platonic bonds can provide joy, support, and caregiving in old age.

The Origins of Their Friendship

• Inez and Barb first connected on a trip to Washington D.C. in the 1960s
• Inez was escaping an unfulfilling marriage with her two young sons
• Barb, unable to have children of her own, quickly bonded with Inez's boys

Building a Chosen Family

• When Inez moved to Phoenix for a fresh start, Barb opened her home to the family for six months
• Though living separately, they functioned as a family unit:
  • Sharing holidays
  • Creating inside jokes
  • Experiencing the joys and trials of raising kids together

Creating an Intentional Living Arrangement

Decades later, as they approached retirement:

• Barb realized Phoenix wasn't ideal for growing old alone
• The friends bought a house together in their hometown
• They created a "Golden Girls" living arrangement

The Benefits of Their Partnership

Their living arrangement has provided numerous advantages:

• Pooled resources allow them to stay in their own home (rare for single elderly women)
• Steady companionship
• A devoted caregiver at arm's reach

Navigating Life's Challenges Together

Over the years, Inez and Barb have:

• Weathered grief and health scares
• Faced the indignities of aging with grace and humor
• Supported friends in need
• Prepared end-of-life paperwork to protect each other

The Power of Platonic Love in Later Life

Their story highlights how:

• Many seniors become vulnerable due to vanishing social support and unstable finances
• Deep friendships cultivated across decades can blossom into chosen families
• These bonds provide care and comfort in life's final chapters
• The soul-sustaining power of enduring platonic love can be key to navigating aging with serenity and grace

Grieving Lost Friends: The Unrecognized Pain of Platonic Loss

Joy and Hannah: A Friendship Cut Short

The story of Joy and her best friend Hannah sheds light on the aching, disenfranchised grief that can come from losing a platonic soulmate.

A Profound Connection

• Joy and Hannah met as geology majors in college
• Their friendship defined their adult lives
• They remained inseparable despite living far apart

Facing Cancer Together

When Hannah was diagnosed with ovarian cancer at age 34:

• Joy became her champion and caregiver
• She joined Hannah for treatments in New York
• She planned fundraisers and eventually held Hannah's hand in hospice

The Depth of Their Bond

Joy and Hannah were a team in the deepest sense:

• They shared jokes, adventures, and life's biggest moments
• Their connection defied conventional labels

The Loss and Its Aftermath

Hannah died on her son's 11th birthday in 2017:

• Joy felt she had lost her anchor and an irreplaceable part of herself
• The depth of Joy's grief went unrecognized by many
• Friends and family urged her to move on, as if she was mourning an acquaintance rather than her closest companion

The Challenges of Grieving a Friend

Joy's experience highlights several issues:

• Employment policies often fall short when it comes to bereavement leave for friends
• There's a lack of rituals and recognition for mourning friends
• The bereaved often suffer alone, compounding their pain

The Lasting Impact

Years after Hannah's death:

• Joy still feels the loss of the future they had imagined together
• She doubts she will ever feel so cherished by another person
• She wants to think about Hannah every day, fearing that letting go of her grief means letting go of Hannah

The Importance of Recognizing Platonic Grief

Joy's story underscores the need for:

• More dialogue around different forms of non-romantic relationships
• Recognition and support for those grieving the loss of profound friendships
• Celebration of rare, indefinable bonds, even at the risk of one day having to mourn them

Legalizing Friendship: The Case for Legal Recognition of Platonic Partnerships

Amelie and Joan: Non-Romantic Life Partners

The story of Amelie and Joan, who have shaped their lives around their friendship, illustrates the challenges faced by committed friends in a legal system that prioritizes marriage.

The Limitations of Current Laws

As an LGBTQ activist, Amelie has witnessed:

• The devastating consequences of lack of legal recognition for same-sex relationships
• Partners being excluded during medical crises

Even after gaining the right to marry, Amelie felt the institution's limits:

• She wanted to build a life with Joan, whom she considers family, but not as her spouse

Navigating Health Crises

When Joan battled cancer:

• Amelie was by her side for every treatment
• She had to constantly justify her role as caretaker

The Financial and Legal Burden

To protect their relationship, Amelie and Joan have:

• Spent thousands on legal paperwork
• Tried to designate rights that marriage automatically grants

The Problem with Current Laws

The issue isn't just that friendship is invisible in the eyes of the law:

• The law privileges marriage above all other relationships
• This creates a stark gap between the married and unmarried
• Marriage is a poor proxy for the functions that really matter: emotional, physical, and economic support

Proposed Legal Reforms

Some legal scholars suggest two key changes:

1. Create an alternative to marriage that any two adults can enter, regardless of the nature of their bond
2. Strip away marital benefits that are irrelevant to its core purpose of assuring mutual emotional, physical, and economic support

The Need for Cultural Shift

Legal changes alone aren't enough. We need:

• Stories, songs, and rituals that celebrate profound platonic love
• More intention, vulnerability, and commitment in our own friendships
• A broader understanding of what constitutes a full and meaningful life

The Cost of Prioritizing Romantic Partnership

By prizing romantic partnership above all else:

• We limit our understanding of love and connection
• We miss out on the richness and diversity of human relationships

The extraordinary friendships highlighted in this book point the way to a world of richer connection, inviting us to forge our own paths to love and fulfillment.

Final Thoughts: Embracing a More Expansive View of Love and Connection

"The Other Significant Others" challenges us to rethink our assumptions about what constitutes a meaningful life and a fulfilling relationship. Through the stories of platonic life partners, co-parents, and friends who've built intentional families, we see that romantic partnership doesn't have to be the most important relationship in our lives.

Key takeaways from the book include:

1. Platonic friendships can be just as profound, committed, and life-defining as marriage.
2. Reimagining our relationships allows us to expand our views around sex, partnership, and romance.
3. Questioning relationship norms can lead to greater self-determination and personal growth.
4. There are many ways to create loving, supportive family structures beyond the traditional nuclear family model.
5. Deep platonic bonds can provide crucial support and companionship throughout all stages of life, including old age.
6. The grief associated with losing a platonic partner is often unrecognized but can be just as devastating as losing a spouse.
7. Legal and cultural changes are needed to validate and support a wider range of significant relationships.

By validating and celebrating the extraordinary potential of platonic bonds, we open ourselves up to a richer, more diverse tapestry of human connection. This book invites us to forge our own relationship norms, embrace a more expansive view of love, and pursue the connections that truly matter to us – regardless of whether they fit into traditional categories.

Ultimately, "The Other Significant Others" reminds us that there are countless ways to build a meaningful life filled with love, commitment, and support. By broadening our understanding of significant relationships, we create space for more authentic connections and allow ourselves to fully explore the depth and breadth of human intimacy in all its forms.