The Other Significant Others Summary

What if your deepest connection didn’t have to be romantic? What if friendship could be the cornerstone of a meaningful and fulfilling life?

1. Ancient Bonds: Friendship Meant More Back Then

Friendship used to be as important, if not more, than marriage. Historical evidence showcases same-sex "wedded" friendships or sworn brotherhoods where individuals showed life-long dedication to their close companions. These friendships often included cohabitation, shared finances, and deep emotional bonds.

Marriage historically solved practical needs such as property inheritance or societal expectations, while friendships formed the emotional foundation of people’s lives. In modern times, societal norms have shifted, demanding that romantic partners fulfill all our emotional, intellectual, and practical needs. This shift has marginalized the value of friendships.

The story of Andrew and Toly illustrates the depth of non-romantic relationships. These friends have intertwined their lives—living together, working on intellectual projects, and considering each other's input in major decisions, yet their bond is frequently misinterpreted as romantic. This reflects society's limited framework for recognizing deep, platonic connections.

Examples

• Historical accounts of intimate same-sex friendships in ancient texts
• Andrew and Toly’s partnership of cohabitation and intellectual collaboration
• Past societies viewing friendship as the primary source of emotional support

2. Sex Isn’t the Defining Factor

Love and commitment aren’t exclusive to sexual relationships. Many relationships flourish without the presence of sex, and this does not diminish their value or intimacy. Psychological research supports that love, an attachment bond, is separate from lust, which focuses on reproductive drives.

Stacey and Grace’s connection is an example of such a nonsexual but deeply bonded partnership. They plan vacations together, lean on each other for life’s challenges, and even consider co-parenting—but sex and romance play no role in their connection. Stacey, who identifies as asexual, highlights how societal pressures can cause people to undervalue these kinds of bonds.

We often conflate romantic and platonic connections, but many friendships share elements of what we consider romantic relationships—like affection and commitment. Sex may enrich some connections, but its absence doesn’t negate the potential for depth and devotion.

Examples

• Stacey and Grace’s asexual, committed friendship
• Research showing love and lust operate on different biological foundations
• Social biases assuming a sexual bond is necessary for love to be valid

3. Breaking Free from Societal Expectations

Building unconventional friendships can offer a chance to break free from societal norms. Art and Nick pushed boundaries by forming a unique, platonic partnership rooted in trust and love, despite societal judgments, especially given their religious backgrounds.

Art, a gay man, and Nick, a straight man, faced challenges like homophobia and misunderstandings within their conservative Christian communities when they decided to live together and share their lives. Nick had to confront—and ultimately let go of—his fear of being misjudged or labeled as “too close” to Art.

Their journey illustrates how questioning societal norms around gender, appearance, and relationships can promote self-growth and deepen human connections. By disregarding labels and expectations, Art and Nick were able to form a family unit filled with love and acceptance.

Examples

• Nick learning to overcome "homohysteria" and fears of judgment
• Art and Nick forming an intentional family unit despite community backlash
• Discussions about whether societal discomfort limits human connection

4. Friends Can Be Family

Friendship can pave the way to unique family structures. Natasha and Lynda redefined the idea of family by co-parenting a child together, despite having no romantic relationship. When Natasha welcomed a child on her own via sperm donation, Lynda became a constant, supportive co-parent.

After years of shared responsibilities, including caring for Natasha’s son Elaan who has disabilities, they sought legal recognition as co-parents. This marks a departure from the traditional nuclear family model, proving that family is rooted in love and care, not just romantic or biological ties.

Their partnership proves that deep friendships can serve as the foundation for co-parenting arrangements, providing children with warmth and stability even in nontraditional setups.

Examples

• Natasha and Lynda becoming co-parents without a romantic bond
• Court rulings affirming the importance of Lynda’s bond with Elaan
• Study findings showing warmth and support matter more than family structure

5. Aging Together: A Golden Girls-style Life

Growing old together with a close friend can provide warmth, stability, and mutual care through life’s later years. Inez and Barb’s decades-long friendship exemplifies how deep platonic love can thrive during retirement and aging.

The two have shared a home for over twenty years, pooling resources and supporting each other through grief, health challenges, and the day-to-day realities of aging. This intentional decision to grow old together has allowed them to maintain independence while ensuring steady emotional and practical support.

For many, social networks diminish in old age, leaving people vulnerable and isolated. Inez and Barb’s story suggests a beautiful alternative: cultivating chosen families through long-standing friendships can bring security and joy in senior years.

Examples

• Inez and Barb’s intentional decision to share housing as they age
• Financial and emotional benefits of pooled resources and mutual caregiving
• The “Golden Girls” model offering companionship and care over decades

6. The Often-Unacknowledged Grief of Losing a Close Friend

The loss of a platonic soulmate can bring profound grief, yet it often lacks public recognition. Joy and Hannah’s story highlights this hidden heartbreak. When Hannah passed away after her cancer battle, Joy’s grieving process was underestimated and misunderstood by others.

Despite their non-romantic relationship, Joy and Hannah deeply impacted each other’s lives. Joy became Hannah’s caregiver during cancer treatment, going beyond what is seen in traditional friendships. When Hannah passed, Joy was left to mourn in an unrecognized way, further complicating her healing process.

Joy’s experience underscores society’s failure to properly validate and support grief outside traditional family or romantic relationships.

Examples

• Joy caring for Hannah during her six-year cancer battle
• The emotional toll of losing a platonic soulmate
• Inadequate workplace bereavement policies for close friends

7. Marriage Isn't the Only Legal Framework Needed

Our laws heavily prioritize marriage, which excludes meaningful non-romantic partnerships. Amelie and Joan’s story illustrates this problem as they’ve had to spend large sums creating legal documents to secure basic rights for one another as committed friends.

When Joan faced cancer, Amelie acted as her primary caregiver, but the legal system made it difficult for her to secure recognition in this role. Scholars suggest alternatives like legal frameworks for partnerships outside the boundaries of romance and marriage.

If society stopped exclusively valuing marital relationships, non-traditional partnerships like Amelie and Joan’s would have equitable protections to thrive.

Examples

• Amelie and Joan navigating caregiving without legal recognition
• High legal costs for securing simple caregiving and inheritance rights
• Scholars proposing alternative legal frameworks for non-romantic pairs

8. Family Can Take on New Forms

Through countless examples, this book shows that the idea of family doesn’t have to be traditional. From co-parenting friends to senior housemates, the concept of family can evolve around trust and love regardless of romantic ties.

History shows us that families have often taken creative shapes in challenging times. The strength of such arrangements lies in shared responsibility and emotional bonds, just as much as biological ties or marriage vows.

The expanded definition of family helps us embrace diversity both in culture and within personal connections.

Examples

• Lynda and Natasha’s co-parenting partnership
• Inez and Barb functioning as family in old age
• Historical examples of families forming out of necessity

9. The Need for a Cultural Shift

While legal changes are one step, culture must also evolve to respect platonic love. Relationships outside romance rarely get celebrated in movies or songs, leaving fewer models for people to follow.

This shift would involve recognizing friendships, celebrating loyalty, and validating alternative relationship choices. Stories like those in this book remind us of the richness of life when bonds are nurtured outside romance.

When we broaden the lens through which we define relationships, we open up a world filled with more love, vulnerability, and connection.

Examples

• Pop culture highlighting romantic over platonic love
• Amelie and Joan’s push for legal and cultural validation
• Stories of friends thriving in non-traditional arrangements

Takeaways

1. Start viewing friendships as just as valuable as romantic relationships; actively invest time and energy into your closest bonds.
2. Challenge societal expectations by questioning and redefining your relationship norms and structures.
3. Advocate for legal changes to support and protect non-traditional partnerships and build awareness around the hidden strength of platonic connections.