The Science of Happily Ever After

Love is the perfect blend of liking and lust. But without purpose and intent, happily ever after might just remain a fairy tale.

1. Love isn’t just about passion

Love is often reduced to a whirlwind of passion and excitement. However, Ty Tashiro defines love as “liking plus lusting,” where liking is arguably more enduring and essential for longevity. Liking is built on kindness, fairness, and loyalty, traits that sustain relationships over time. While passion may ignite a relationship, it's liking that keeps the flame alive.

Passion, or lust, is biologically designed to fade, a phenomenon often described as the honeymoon phase. The science behind this is tied to endorphins—brain chemicals that create that initial thrill. As these chemicals taper off, lasting relationships are sustained by more stable emotional bonds rooted in kindness and mutual respect. Understanding this natural decline helps couples prioritize sustainable traits from the start.

An example is Anna’s story. Her initial focus on physical attraction overshadowed compatibility. Fortunately, she realized that choosing a partner based on lust alone wasn’t enough and shifted her priorities to include kindness and fairness. This conscious adjustment gave her better odds at long-term happiness.

Examples

• Studies show lust tends to decline faster than liking over time.
• The honeymoon phase is scientifically linked to a temporary flood of endorphins.
• Anna learned to focus on durable traits like kindness rather than just physical traits.

2. The “three wishes” rule narrows your search

Selecting a partner feels overwhelming when every trait seems important. Tashiro suggests limiting your search to just three non-negotiable traits, effectively narrowing your pool of possibilities while improving your chances of success. This approach is based on probability, not magic.

Just as scientists use the Drake equation to narrow down habitable planets, prioritizing three traits operates on a process of elimination. Rare traits like wealth or physical attractiveness, though appealing, dramatically reduce the pool of potential matches. Choosing three traits forces you to focus on balanced and realistic priorities that actually matter to long-term relational satisfaction.

Anna’s approach of focusing on Jake’s good looks, athleticism, and religion initially followed this rule, though she prioritized lust too highly. By later giving more weight to qualities tied to liking, she aligned her choices with Tashiro’s advice and improved her chances of finding a lasting connection.

Examples

• Tashiro compares the “three wishes” rule to the scientific Drake equation used in astronomy.
• Overemphasizing rare traits like wealth or height significantly limits potential partners.
• Anna learned to use the three wishes system, shifting from lust to long-term traits.

3. Romantic ideals often lead to poor mate choices

Romanticism encourages people to chase passion over practicality. During the Romantic era, figures like Chopin embodied this approach, favoring intense, passionate affairs that often weren’t sustainable. These ideals persist today, shaping unrealistic expectations around love.

Historically, finding a partner was about survival and procreation. Advances in medicine and food production reduced these pressures, allowing room for indulgence in romantic ideals. But our survival-focused brains remain wired to chase beauty and wealth, traits that are less critical in a world where survival isn’t a primary concern.

Chopin’s passion for George Sand was consumed by impractical obstacles like differences in temperament. Their story reflects how romanticism can blind individuals to the importance of mutual respect and compatibility—traits that could stave off heartbreak.

Examples

• Chopin’s relationship with George Sand was fueled by passion but doomed by incompatibility.
• Today, survival pressures have been replaced by the pursuit of passion, despite its brevity.
• Many relationships falter when romantic ideals overshadow realistic expectations.

4. Human brains are wired for outdated mate selection

Our brains are still programmed to select partners based on survival traits, like physical health and wealth, despite these being less relevant today. This evolutionary mismatch leads many to prioritize traits that offer short-term gains over long-term stability.

In earlier times, traits like height or strength indicated survival potential, while wealth signified access to resources. Today, while these remain attractive, their significance pales in light of shared values and emotional compatibility. Studies confirm that traits like kindness and fairness are better predictors of a successful relationship.

Modern dating apps highlight this mismatch—users often select partners based on looks or income but later find these superficial criteria don’t guarantee long-term satisfaction. Recognizing and rewiring these tendencies can lead to better outcomes.

Examples

• Tallness and physical fitness once indicated survivability but are now less critical.
• Studies link kindness and fairness to higher relationship satisfaction than wealth or beauty.
• Dating apps often fuel outdated selection habits centered on superficial criteria.

5. Traits predict long-term relationship success

Traits hold the key to predicting relationship outcomes. Unlike surface-level qualities, traits provide a window into a partner’s behavior and how they’ll navigate challenges together. Observing these traits early is essential.

Personality traits such as agreeableness and neuroticism impact relationships profoundly. Agreeable individuals communicate well and foster cooperative partnerships, while neurotic individuals bring unpredictability that can destabilize the relationship. By identifying and prioritizing these traits, couples can make informed decisions about compatibility.

Tashiro emphasizes keeping track of observed traits. Dan, for example, could have avoided conflict with Elyse by evaluating her dismissive behaviors early on. Tracking patterns helps determine whether a relationship is worth pursuing.

Examples

• Agreeableness signals better communication and long-term harmony.
• Neuroticism can lead to overreaction and instability in relationships.
• Dan’s conflicts with Elyse highlight the importance of observing partner traits.

6. Attachment styles reveal compatibility

Attachment styles—secure, avoidant, and anxious—can make or break a relationship. People with secure attachment styles provide stability, while avoidant or anxious types may introduce challenges that are tough to overcome.

Secure attachment fosters emotional intimacy, trust, and dependability. By contrast, avoidant individuals distrust closeness, and anxious types can smother their partners with neediness. Understanding these styles helps identify partners who are emotionally available and capable of healthy connections.

Couples with secure attachment report higher satisfaction and lower conflict. This makes knowing a prospect’s attachment style an invaluable step in selecting a partner suited to your emotional needs.

Examples

• Secure attachment correlates with lower relationship conflict and higher satisfaction.
• Anxious attachment manifests as clinginess that can overwhelm a partner.
• Avoidant partners struggle to form close bonds, making emotional intimacy difficult.

7. The pitfalls of overlooking red flags

Ignoring negative traits often leads to failed relationships. People in love tend to justify or downplay flaws, setting themselves up for future disappointment. Red flags like cruelty or unreliability should never be ignored.

In Dan and Elyse’s relationship, her dismissiveness and cruel tendencies foreshadowed deeper incompatibilities. Recognizing and addressing these traits sooner would have saved Dan emotional turmoil. Paying attention to consistent behaviors helps avoid the trap of letting love cloud judgment.

Creating a system for objectively evaluating red and green flags can help break this pattern. Writing down observations removes bias, promoting wiser decisions overall.

Examples

• Neglecting red flags often leads to regret and dissatisfaction later.
• Elyse’s cruelty highlighted a deeper emotional mismatch that Dan ignored early on.
• Writing down observations removes bias from emotionally charged situations.

8. The importance of shared empathy and attention

Empathy and attentiveness should be non-negotiable in a partner. These qualities demonstrate emotional investment, fostering a connection built on mutual understanding and care.

Partners who actively listen, share enthusiasm for each other’s experiences, and offer emotional support build resilient relationships. Conversely, partners who lack these traits often leave their significant other feeling unheard or undervalued.

Every relationship requires a foundation of shared empathy to thrive. By prioritizing this quality, couples can navigate conflicts more effectively, creating a more secure bond.

Examples

• Empathy enhances communication and strengthens emotional bonds.
• Sharing enthusiasm fosters mutual appreciation and deeper connection.
• Partners lacking empathy risk alienating or neglecting their partner's needs.

9. Planning is practical, not unromantic

The idea of planning a relationship may sound unromantic, but using tools like journals or spreadsheets to track traits can make a big difference in ensuring alignment with your goals. Love still involves emotions, but combining feelings with data ensures decisions are thoughtful.

Journals or spreadsheets help identify patterns of compatibility. These tools serve as an objective framework, reducing the influence of emotions during the honeymoon phase and helping evaluate long-term prospects wisely.

Tashiro asserts it’s this blend of purpose and love that creates sustainable happiness. When emotions and practicality intersect, couples are better equipped for success.

Examples

• Journaling provides a systematic way to observe traits objectively.
• Data-driven methods prevent emotional biases during the lust-filled stages of relationships.
• Combining emotion and planning gives relationships a higher chance of thriving.

Takeaways

1. Define the top three traits you value in a partner and prioritize them in your search.
2. Observe and document behaviors or traits objectively using tools like journals to reduce emotional biases.
3. Focus on long-term compatibility, prioritizing kindness, loyalty, and emotional availability over fleeting attractions.