The War For Kindness

Empathy isn’t a fixed trait. It’s like a muscle – it grows stronger the more you use it.

1. Empathy is a skill that you can cultivate

Empathy isn’t something you’re simply born with or without. Research shows that our personalities, including our empathic abilities, are malleable. This concept, known as psychological mobilism, debunks the idea that human traits are permanently fixed. Our brains have plasticity, meaning they can adapt and change based on experiences and new ways of thinking.

Children’s environments often determine their empathy levels. Kids raised by empathetic parents tend to show more concern for others and appear better equipped to identify with other people’s emotions. Conversely, children exposed to harsh or unkind conditions may show empathy deficits. What can start in childhood can also be changed later in life, fostering hope for personal growth.

A fascinating study conducted by the author demonstrated that merely believing you can grow empathetically can increase your capacity to empathize. When people were shown an article supporting psychological mobilism, they empathized with more diverse groups of individuals compared to those who read an article promoting fixed traits.

Examples

• Musical training increases brain regions linked to coordination and empathy.
• Children subjected to neglect may develop traits resembling psychopathy, but supportive environments can reverse this trend.
• A single article shifted readers’ mindsets, making them more open to understanding others.

2. Adjusting perspective builds empathy

We don’t have to leave our emotional responses to chance. By tweaking our perspective intentionally, we can open the door to deeper empathy toward others. For instance, simply taking a moment to imagine someone else’s feelings and circumstances can profoundly affect the way we relate to them.

Study participants who listened to personal stories about a person diagnosed with HIV felt more connected not only to the storyteller but also to others impacted by the condition. These small perspective shifts operate as nudges, sparking meaningful emotional change. Still, temporary nudges need reinforcement to solidify.

Researchers like Tania Singer have taken it further using loving-kindness meditation. Her studies revealed that prolonged meditation increased not just attentiveness and emotional awareness but also measurable brain growth in empathy-linked areas. This proves that long-term, intentional practice can create lasting effects.

Examples

• College students who practiced empathy exercises grew more compassionate toward AIDS victims.
• Participants in a two-year meditation study showed greater generosity and solidarity with others in pain.
• Playing intense music before activities demonstrates how emotions can be "primed" intentionally.

3. Connection across divides combats prejudice

Most of us struggle to relate to people from opposing beliefs or backgrounds, but relationships can break down these barriers. Spending time with those who differ from us often reveals shared humanity, dismantling stereotypes.

Take Tony McAleer, a former white supremacist leader whose mental scars and bad associations led him down a path of hate. After taking self-improvement courses, he befriended a man named Dov, later learning that Dov was Jewish. Instead of hostility, he encountered compassion, which ultimately helped him unlearn his prejudices.

Experiments confirm that cooperative interaction reduces animosity. In one study, Mexican immigrants and white Americans paired up to describe their struggles. Empathy increased when marginalized groups had the chance to be heard. Unfortunately, in situations where minorities simply listened to concerns from more powerful groups, tensions rose instead of easing.

Examples

• Tony McAleer abandoned extremism after receiving unconditional warmth from diverse individuals.
• Contact theory demonstrates prejudice reduction after meaningful interactions with “outsiders.”
• Mexican immigrants saw whites more positively after voicing their own injustices to willing listeners.

4. Literature builds bridges and understanding

Stories aren't just entertaining – they serve as windows into other lives, helping us connect and empathize with people we may never meet. Fiction, with its rich characters and moral challenges, can subtly reshape how we view others.

The Changing Lives Through Literature program used novels like "The Old Man and the Sea" to help ex-convicts see themselves beyond negative labels. Through storytelling, they recognized their dignity, and fewer of them reoffended.

Similarly, after the Rwandan genocide, a radio drama tackled themes of forgiveness and reconciliation. By using relatable characters from both ethnic sides, the program helped civil war survivors empathize and rebuild trust. Fiction opened new pathways for healing and humanizing.

Examples

• Former inmates reduced recidivism rates by relating to characters in literary works.
• Rwandans who listened to a reconciliation-themed radio series showed more empathy.
• Hearing diverse stories increases cross-cultural understanding and trust even in post-conflict zones.

5. Empathy isn't limitless – balance matters

Too much empathy can overwhelm, especially for caregivers. Emotional fatigue, or "compassion fatigue," is common among people in helping professions like nursing. Repeatedly witnessing suffering, without receiving emotional replenishment, causes burnout.

Programs like RISE combat this issue by letting caregivers talk about their emotional struggles in safe spaces. Offering and receiving empathy sustains them so they can, in turn, support patients effectively.

Researchers also highlight the distinction between feeling emotional distress versus compassionate concern. Excessive distress exhausts people, while balanced compassion strengthens connections without draining energy.

Examples

• Physicians with too much distress quit jobs more often or emotionally detach from patients.
• The RISE hotline allowed burnt-out nurses to remain committed and return to work faster.
• Meditation techniques lowered distress among caregivers, making empathetic interactions healthier.

6. Empathy-friendly systems shape behavior

When organizations prioritize empathy, it influences the broader community. For example, police departments with human-centered training see improved outcomes. Washington's CJTC encourages emotional intelligence and de-escalation practices, reducing violence during arrests.

Likewise, banning harsh school policies creates better environments for students. Schools using campaigns to promote understanding lowered bullying rates and built kindness networks. Empathy appears contagious when systems set good examples.

Examples

• CJTC-trained officers use physical force less often compared to traditionally trained peers.
• Zero-tolerance suspension policies alienated students, while empathy-driven approaches reduced expulsions.
• New Jersey students used poster projects to uplift classmates, cutting disciplinary incidents.

7. Technology amplifies empathy, but cautiously

While the internet spreads hate through anonymity, it also provides tools for building empathy. Platforms like Koko connect users to share support for life struggles, improving mental health and encouraging human connections.

Virtual Reality offers another breakthrough. For example, users virtually experiencing homelessness gained deeper understanding and reluctant donors became outspoken advocates for affordable housing. Though online life can encourage judgment, the same tech fosters care when used creatively.

Examples

• Koko uses anonymous peer support to relieve depressive symptoms and stress.
• VR storytelling about homelessness increased charity donations and housing policy backing.
• Social platforms like Koko integrate empathy into everyday internet interactions.

8. Shared stories can heal systemic wounds

When systemic harms create hate or division, empathy-driven narratives help make repairs. Programs that focus on reconciling estranged groups remind individuals of their similarities, rebuilding fractured societies.

In Rwanda, fictional dramas effectively bridged divides between Hutu and Tutsi survivors, fostering unexpected dialogue. Meanwhile, storytelling among seniors and youth in retirement communities renews intergenerational empathy.

Examples

• Post-genocide Rwanda used relatable radio scripts to reopen closed conversations.
• Inter-community media handles sensitive narratives with surprising reconciling effects.
• Hearing seniors’ anecdotes transformed younger volunteers’ views on aging.

9. Shifting empathy to collectivism changes culture

Individual empathy matters, but collective empathy transforms societies. Empathy-based education policies and police reform prove that starting small events ripple outward. By rewriting norms and encouraging kind behaviors universally, active collective empathy reshapes standards permanently.

Examples

• Classroom campaigns against bullying prompted supportive peer cultures.
• Police retraining results showed sizeable attitude improvements.
• Neutrally moderated technology bridged common empathy themes within VR projects.

Takeaways

1. Practice listening exercises regularly by imagining how others feel, especially viewpoints opposing your own.
2. Try loving-kindness meditation for 10 minutes daily, targeting self-compassion alongside your compassion for others.
3. Seek empathy-building activities such as volunteering with marginalized groups or engaging with diverse stories through books, movies, or Virtual Reality experiences.