Under Pressure Summary

Stress and anxiety don’t always hurt us; sometimes they build resilience. But what happens when they overwhelm girls and derail their confidence?

1. Healthy Stress Can Strengthen Girls

Stress isn’t always detrimental; girls benefit from stepping outside their comfort zones. Positive stress, like speaking in public or tackling a new challenge, fosters growth and resilience. These experiences strengthen their ability to handle adversity later in life.

When anxiety hits, it can sometimes be a warning system signaling that something needs attention. For example, a girl nervous about an exam may feel that way because she hasn't prepared enough. Addressing the root cause can often relieve the worry.

However, stress becomes harmful when it overwhelms, causing continuous anxiety and fear. Girls may lose sleep or struggle with schoolwork when their stress levels spiral out of control, greatly affecting their mental well-being.

Examples

• A girl nervous about a presentation might find her confidence soar after successfully delivering it.
• Moderate pre-exam anxiety can motivate better study habits and preparation.
• On the flip side, chronic stress over small issues, like fearing a teacher’s criticism, affects sleep and focus.

2. Avoidance Increases Anxiety

Dr. Lisa Damour highlights the harmful impact of avoidance. Dodging challenges, though tempting in the moment, compounds fear in the long run.

For instance, when a girl like Jamie avoids a test due to feeling unprepared, the initial relief is temporary. The anxiety returns when the test is rescheduled, and she hasn’t learned how to cope. Worse, she may interpret failure as more frightening than it is.

Encouraging girls to approach fears step-by-step empowers them. Whether it’s preparing for an exam or speaking up in class, facing difficult situations helps them realize that challenges are manageable.

Examples

• Jamie, worried about a test, improved her confidence by brushing up on weak areas before taking it.
• A shy girl afraid of dogs can reduce her fear by interacting with friendly pets over time.
• Tackling small fears gradually can lead to bravery in facing larger challenges.

3. Shyness Isn’t a Fault

Not all quiet or cautious girls are socially anxious. Some are naturally reserved, a temperament often misunderstood by parents or teachers as a problem.

From infancy, children display different personality types, like being cautious or taking time to adjust to changes. A shy girl may thrive when given space to warm up, rather than being pushed into interactions.

Acknowledging and respecting a girl's temperament can save her from unnecessary stress. Allow her extra time to adapt to new people or situations rather than enforcing swift social adjustments.

Examples

• Alina, hesitant around new peers, became more comfortable over time with gentle encouragement.
• Shy children may initially decline a party invitation but change their minds when given time to consider it.
• Respecting a cautious nature teaches a girl self-acceptance instead of pressuring her to fit outgoing expectations.

4. Girls Link Grades to Ability

Girls often view academic feedback as defining their abilities. While they outperform boys academically, they stress far more about school.

Girls who internalize poor grades, viewing them as proof of inadequacy, struggle to bounce back. Unlike boys, who blame effort rather than intelligence when receiving bad grades, girls adopt self-critical perspectives.

Helping girls shift their mindset—viewing grades as snapshots of current skills, not fixed abilities—can reduce this stress. Highlight how effort and consistent practice improve performance over time.

Examples

• Explain to a girl that a math test only reflects her understanding that day, not her overall aptitude.
• Share stories of successful women who struggled in school initially but improved with effort.
• Recount how athletes like gymnasts grow stronger through dedicated practice, mirroring academic improvement.

5. The Widespread Problem of Sexual Harassment

Girls witness or endure harassment as early as middle school, often blaming themselves for it. Unwanted touching, teasing, or name-calling makes girls feel unsafe, yet societal pressures may silence them.

Shame and self-doubt often prevent girls from reporting harassment. Many wonder if their clothing or behavior invited mistreatment, although it’s never their fault.

Parents and mentors play key roles in breaking the cycle. Discussing harassment openly, validating girls’ experiences, and emphasizing that misconduct reflects poorly on the harasser—not the victim—builds their confidence.

Examples

• A teen wearing leggings blamed her outfit for unwanted comments from boys.
• Research finds half of middle and high school girls face harassment yet rarely report it.
• Parents can empower girls by telling them harassment is unacceptable and not their fault.

6. People-Pleasing Piles on Pressure

Societal norms teach girls to prioritize being agreeable. Dr. Damour shares Nicki’s story, a teenager overwhelmed by commitments she couldn’t say no to, such as agreeing to coach gymnastics after intending to quit.

Girls fear being labeled rude or selfish when they set boundaries. Yet this creates strain, as they juggle too many demands for fear of judgment.

Teaching girls to decline politely but assertively helps them protect their time and energy. Empowering them to prioritize their needs discourages overcommitment and builds their self-esteem.

Examples

• Nicki’s fear of upsetting her coach caused her to overcommit to school and sports.
• Girls are criticized for setting boundaries, with terms like “diva” or “bossy.”
• Helping a daughter practice saying “no thanks” can ease her transition to adulthood.

7. Society’s Standards Increase Worries

Cultural pressures often demand that girls act perfect. They’re expected to excel academically, behave kindly, and maintain appearances, making it hard to relax or say no.

Unlike boys, whose misbehavior is often dismissed with, “boys will be boys,” girls face stringent judgment. They may believe their worth hinges on pleasing others while excelling in all areas of life, creating emotional strain.

Encourage girls to challenge societal norms by embracing their unique interests, personalities, and boundaries. Teach them self-acceptance, not perfection, as the secret to reducing anxiety.

Examples

• Nicki’s anxiety about disappointing others stemmed from societal expectations.
• Girls worry about saying no to invitations, regardless of personal preference.
• Supporting a girl’s individuality counters societal gender norms.

8. Shifting Media Perception Matters

Media fuels anxiety by exaggerating fears about adolescent behavior. Alarmist news about teens becoming increasingly reckless contradicts data showing safer habits today.

Girls, in particular, might feel misguided despair about broader cultural trends portrayed in the media. Providing them with accurate, reassuring statistics helps counter this.

Discuss media critically with your teen, analyzing headlines and fears based on real evidence. Help her put threats in perspective, feeling hopeful rather than anxious.

Examples

• Research shows modern teens drink and smoke less compared to past generations.
• Sharing safety data reassures a daughter influenced by scary headlines.
• Parents debunk myths of “teenage rebellion” by recounting safer driving statistics.

9. Resilience Through Support

Ultimately, raising confident girls often hinges on supportive relationships. Girls thrive when adults encourage them, advocate for boundaries, and reframe failure as learning.

By building open, judgment-free communication channels, parents can better understand girls’ worries. Showing care and perspective reduces harmful stress.

Celebrate individual efforts and challenges overcome, fostering inner resilience. Healthy stress plus unconditional support grows courage and success.

Examples

• A parent reassures failure builds character rather than shame.
• Open talks about grades or harassment leave a girl feeling heard.
• Affirmations of worth boost girls navigating an imperfect world.

Takeaways

1. Practice boundaries: Role-play common scenarios where a girl needs to say “no,” reinforcing her right to set limits.
2. Avoid perfectionism reinforcement: Praise a girl’s efforts rather than outcomes, teaching growth over innate ability.
3. Discuss cultural pressures openly: Encourage teens to challenge gender norms and focus on their individual goals and values.