13 Things Mentally Strong Couples Don't Do

Love is not just a feeling; it's an action. Strong couples don't just find love—they build it.

1. Growth Happens When You Focus on Yourself First

Lasting relationships aren't just about adapting to your partner—they’re about personal transformation. Amy Morin shares that by working on your own behaviors and patterns, you encourage your partner to shift in response. Relationships act as a mirror, reflecting our struggles and values. To improve a relationship, start with the person closest to you in the equation: yourself.

Morin recounts how many couples resort to blaming each other for problems instead of examining their own role. The reality is, attempting to "fix" your partner is both exhausting and ineffective. True change happens when you lead by example. As we model resilience and self-growth, we create an environment that allows our partners to feel safe and inspired to change as well.

The therapist underscores the dynamic nature of relationships. Much like dancing, when one partner adjusts their steps, the other automatically shifts. This dance becomes smoother when both individuals pour energy into self-awareness and personal development, extending patience, compassion, and kindness along the way.

Examples

• A spouse deciding to learn better communication skills inspires their partner to engage more meaningfully in conversations.
• A partner who starts self-reflection prompts the other to address their own unresolved issues.
• A woman who reframed criticisms of her husband into constructive feedback noticed him becoming more understanding of her concerns.

2. Directly Address Problems—Don’t Avoid Them

Ignoring discomfort may seem easier, but it deepens the rift between partners over time. Morin describes how avoiding challenging conversations can quietly erode affection and connection. Facing problems head-on, even when difficult, is essential to repair and grow a bond.

For example, Maria, a long-married woman, had been putting her children’s needs ahead of her marriage for years. When her kids left home, she faced a gaping emotional void with her husband. Through therapy, she stopped suppressing her loneliness and invited her husband to engage in meaningful activities together, sparking renewed intimacy.

Morin explains that bringing up hard topics is as much about tone and approach as the content. Replacing accusatory statements with "I feel" language reduces defensiveness. Creating an environment of safety helps ensure honesty blossoms, and validation goes a long way even when there's disagreement.

Examples

• A couple struggling with emotional distance scheduled weekly activities where meaningful conversations occurred naturally.
• A partner started saying "I feel disconnected when..." instead of "You’re never here for me," leading to healthier discussions.
• A husband actively thanked his spouse for opening up during arguments, setting a positive tone for problem-solving.

3. Deception Destroys Trust

"Secrets are the termites of relationships," Morin explains. Failing to be honest—whether through outright lying or holding back truths—inevitably undermines trust and intimacy. Even small secrets can breed suspicion and emotional distance.

When Autumn discovered her husband David subscribing to explicit online accounts, including one featuring his ex, trust shattered. Although he initially downplayed her concerns, his willingness to seek therapy and admit his actions gave their marriage a path forward. Facing dishonesty requires more than just an apology—it needs actionable steps toward rebuilding trust.

Morin advises couples to reflect on shared boundaries and create agreements, helping avoid misunderstandings. Reestablishing trust requires not only owning up to dishonesty but also committing to actions that prove reliability in the long term.

Examples

• A couple renegotiated financial transparency after years of hidden expenditures caused conflict.
• A woman who revealed past debts worked with her partner to draft a financial recovery plan together.
• A man, after admitting infidelity, kept an "open phone" policy to reassure his spouse of his commitment to honesty.

4. Vulnerability Strengthens Connection

Real intimacy begins with vulnerability. Morin points out that sharing fears, dreams, and even failures builds a deep emotional bond. Yet many hesitate to open up, fearing judgment or rejection—a fear that ironically creates the emotional walls they're trying to avoid.

Couples who allow themselves to be vulnerable develop a safety net, knowing they're loved unconditionally. Exploring this openness can feel awkward at first, but even small steps—like expressing gratitude or admitting fears—restore warmth and authenticity.

The book highlights how vulnerability isn’t about overexposure but shared experiences. Whether it’s confessing your hopes or discussing struggles, being real with each other sustains connection through both good times and adversity.

Examples

• A partner who confessed feelings of inadequacy at work found emotional support from their spouse.
• A couple who reserved weekly “truth sessions” grew closer by sharing personal struggles.
• A man who shared fears about aging reignited understanding from his wife, who responded with encouragement.

5. Rekindle Appreciation for Each Other

Over time, relationships can be weighed down by responsibility and routine. Many couples forget what initially brought them together. Morin emphasizes the importance of carving out space to reflect on why you chose your partner in the first place and making room for gratitude.

When Michael and Paul revisited what they admired in each other through a therapist-directed "love list," they moved from resentment over chores to appreciation for quirks that endeared them during their early years. Reigniting affection often starts with simple acts of recognition.

Take time for gratitude rituals—whether it’s a weekly shout-out to your partner’s efforts or a casual walk down memory lane over dinner. These small steps reintroduce the awe and attachment that carried you through your initial romance.

Examples

• A couple who wrote "thank you" notes to each other every Friday saw increased positivity in their relationship.
• A man who replayed old wedding videos with his spouse felt renewed devotion.
• Spouses who exchanged lists of what they adored fostered newfound warmth.

6. Conflict Can Be Constructive

Arguments aren’t a sign of doom—they’re opportunities to understand each other. Healthy conflict actually deepens alignment when tackled with curiosity instead of hostility. Morin suggests viewing arguments as a way to explore differences without judgment.

When Jillian viewed household disputes with her husband Marcel as chances to collaborate rather than compete, their dynamic shifted. Similarly, being willing to humorously admit fault helps reduce tension while showing maturity.

Practicing calmness, listening actively, and repeating back your partner's perspective shifts debates from confrontational to cooperative. Conflict isn’t the problem; the unwillingness to resolve it is.

Examples

• A wife who avoided bringing tension to bedtime improved her discussions with her husband.
• A couple who scheduled “arguing time” reduced random blowouts.
• Spouses who used a timer to limit daily debates stayed productive.

7. Create Shared Experiences

Without shared memories, partners drift from companions to mere cohabitants. Morin reminds readers that shared experiences—not just romantic dates—bond humans through quality time. Whether adventurous getaways or regular daytrips, building this history together reduces relational stagnation.

Maria, mentioned earlier, rekindled her marriage by planning activities that opened communication. Acts as simple as hiking allowed her husband to express long-withheld thoughts. Engaging together refocuses the relationship on teamwork.

In busy lives, consciously creating moments of laughter, exploration, or simple togetherness is what all partnerships need to thrive.

Examples

• A couple who joined a pottery class discovered new passions while bonding over laughs.
• Spouses who reinstituted “Saturday bike rides” found joy in reconnecting.
• Hiking together sparked a renewed emotional connection for one long-married pair.

8. Avoid Enabling Dysfunction

Enabling behavior inhibits growth. Whether it’s supporting unhealthy habits or sidestepping issues for peace, such patterns compromise respect and closeness. Morin advises couples to distinguish between being supportive versus enabling.

For example, offering endless excuses for a partner's missed commitments ultimately undermined accountability, as one client found out. On the other hand, pushing each other toward healthier habits builds better foundations.

No partner can—or should—fix another, but couples flourish when they encourage accountability without compulsion.

Examples

• A wife who curbed making excuses for her partner’s financial missteps saw them step up.
• Friends who sought joint therapy repaired mutual issues without blame.
• A partner who set boundaries about substance use enabled responsibility.

9. Love is a Daily Choice

Morin explains relationships thrive when you view love as an ongoing choice rather than a feeling. Life's circumstances inevitably test partnerships, but those who actively nurture love—even when they don't "feel it"—prove love is unshakeable.

This mindset helped many of Morin's clients rediscover commitment in dry emotional seasons. Actively choosing love through gestures, assurances, and continued presence creates enduring commitments.

Every day provides an opportunity to reinvest—whether by listening deeply or simply offering a kind word.

Examples

• A husband who surprised his wife weekly with a heartfelt note rebuilt emotional trust.
• Couples who revisited “dating traditions” found excitement and closeness.
• Partners who started morning check-ins saw smoother communication.

Takeaways

1. Prioritize self-awareness and personal growth to influence positive change in your relationship dynamic.
2. Address challenges directly without blame, using calm communication techniques such as "I feel" statements.
3. Create shared, meaningful experiences to maintain connection and appreciation for your partner.