Introduction
Love is a beautiful thing, but maintaining a strong and healthy relationship over time can be challenging. Even couples who start out deeply in love can find themselves drifting apart or caught in cycles of conflict as the years go by. In her book "13 Things Mentally Strong Couples Don't Do," therapist Amy Morin draws on her professional experience and personal journey to offer practical advice for couples looking to strengthen their bonds and overcome obstacles together.
Morin brings a unique perspective, having experienced both the joys of finding love and the devastation of losing it. After her first husband passed away when she was just 26, Morin spent a decade processing her grief before unexpectedly finding love again. Now remarried and living on a sailboat with her new husband, she combines insights from her own relationships with over 20 years of experience as a therapist to guide couples toward more resilient partnerships.
The core premise of the book is that strong relationships require ongoing nurturing and a willingness to face problems head-on rather than avoiding them. By identifying and eliminating common bad habits that undermine intimacy, couples can create an environment of trust, open communication, and mutual support. While the journey isn't always linear, consistent effort to improve how we show up in our relationships can yield profound results over time.
Let's explore some of the key ideas Morin presents for building and maintaining a thriving partnership.
Facing Problems Head-On
One of the biggest mistakes couples make is avoiding difficult conversations and sweeping problems under the rug. While it may seem easier in the moment to ignore issues, this approach allows resentment and distance to build over time.
Morin illustrates this through the story of Maria and Luis, a couple who had been married for over 30 years. With their children grown and out of the house, Maria found herself feeling lonely and disconnected from Luis. For decades, they had focused all their energy on their sons, neglecting to nurture their own bond as partners. Now that it was just the two of them, the cracks in their relationship's foundation were exposed.
Maria struggled with how to address the issue. Like many people, she worried that bringing up her feelings directly would only lead to conflict without resolving anything. But she also knew she couldn't continue ignoring the growing distance between them.
Research shows that the happiest couples don't shy away from addressing solvable problems together, even when it means having uncomfortable conversations. They focus on strengthening their partnership rather than fixating on irreconcilable differences.
With encouragement from her therapist, Maria found the courage to take small steps to reconnect with Luis. She invited him on outings like seeing a play or having dinner at his favorite restaurant. To her pleasant surprise, he was receptive. During a weekend hiking trip, Luis even opened up about his own worries and regrets over the years - exactly the kind of vulnerable sharing Maria had been craving.
Maria realized she could nurture intimacy not by criticizing Luis for being emotionally distant, but by creating positive opportunities for connection. She focused on seeking solutions rather than placing blame.
When addressing relationship issues, how you approach the conversation is critical. Morin advises using "I feel" statements, taking ownership of your own role in problems, and validating your partner's perspective even when you disagree. The goal is to create a safe space for open dialogue, not put your partner on the defensive.
It's also important to express gratitude when your partner voices concerns and be willing to pause heated discussions if emotions escalate too much. You want to encourage openness, not shut it down.
With more quality time together, Maria and Luis began to rebuild their emotional connection. Maria let go of her resentment over their previous distance. In her 50s, she finally felt she had regained true companionship in her marriage.
The key takeaway is that it's never too late to address problems that have built up over time. Approaching issues with compassion, patience and a focus on solutions can transform even long-standing relationship patterns for the better.
The Importance of Honesty
Secrets and deception, even seemingly small ones, can be incredibly damaging to relationships. Morin explores this through the story of Autumn and David.
Autumn was devastated when she discovered charges on their credit card statement for OnlyFans subscriptions - including one for David's college ex-girlfriend. When confronted, David tried to brush it off, claiming Autumn was overreacting and that he didn't think she would care.
But she did care, deeply. Autumn felt utterly betrayed. She couldn't simply ignore that David was secretly viewing explicit content of other women, especially his ex. His secretive behavior raised endless doubts in her mind about whether he was still attracted to her and if he had lingering feelings for his ex.
David initially resisted taking full responsibility, but eventually agreed to couples counseling. Over time, with support from their therapist, he owned up to his actions. His honesty was essential for Autumn to begin the process of healing and rebuilding trust.
Secrets always carry consequences, often unintended ones. We keep them to avoid conflict or protect ourselves from judgment. But the suspicion and anxiety they generate put a tremendous strain on relationships. Not to mention the mental and emotional energy spent on elaborate cover-ups.
Research confirms that secrecy tends to thrive in relationships that have already been damaged in some way. The strongest couples tackle problems together openly, even when it's difficult.
If you suspect your partner is keeping secrets - or if you're the one with something to hide - don't panic. Start by having an open discussion about privacy expectations in your relationship. What information do you each prefer to keep private versus sharing openly? There's no universal standard, so define guidelines that feel comfortable for both of you.
If you've been concealing something from your partner, reflect on why. Are you afraid of embarrassment? Disapproval? Or are you reluctant to give up behaviors you enjoy? Understanding the root of your secrecy can help you come clean and create an environment where you both feel safe being truthful.
However, disclosure alone isn't enough to repair damage from secrets. The priority should be taking responsibility through actions after secrets come to light. For example, if you reveal financial deception, develop a plan for counseling, commit to transparency going forward, and consider giving your partner temporary oversight of finances to rebuild trust.
Revealing long-held secrets takes courage. But the clarity and renewed intimacy are worth it. With care and patience, you can unravel even decades of secrecy to face each other authentically.
Rekindling Appreciation
It's not uncommon for couples to lose sight of what drew them together in the first place. Over a third of people admit to regularly wondering whether they should stay in their relationship or leave. Let's look at two couples who found themselves questioning their bonds.
Jillian, a 35-year-old teacher, sought couples therapy to address constant arguments with her husband Marcel over housework. While Marcel was unbothered by the mess in their home, Jillian felt disrespected spending all her free time cleaning up after their three kids while he relaxed. In their first session, Jillian called Marcel a "slob," while he labeled her a "drama queen."
No lasting solutions could happen without addressing a fundamental question: How did they feel about each other now versus when they first fell in love? And since those feelings had clearly changed, what was it they had once admired in each other that had been lost along the way?
Similarly, Michael and Paul's relationship, which once felt magical, had been eroded by stress over time. Romantic nights out were replaced by helping kids with homework and watching movies on the couch. The quirks Michael used to find endearing in Paul now deeply irritated him.
As circumstances gradually shift over the years, it's easy to start fixating on a partner's flaws instead of remembering all the reasons you fell in love. The good news is you can actively work to rekindle positive feelings by intentionally recalling what first drew you together.
When we first fall in love, our brains are flooded with euphoric neurochemicals like dopamine and oxytocin that make us obsess over our new partner. But eventually, tolerance kicks in - the initial rush fades and the stable love that remains may seem dull in comparison. Yet consciously remembering why you chose your partner can strengthen your bond enough to weather life's inevitable storms.
To help Paul and Michael reconnect, their therapist gave them a private assignment: each would write a list of all the things they loved about the other. When they returned the next week and shared their lists, it was clear they still deeply appreciated many things about each other. Michael loved Paul's dedication to reading bedtime stories to their kids; Paul was touched by Michael's daily calls to check on his aging mother. Once they had rekindled their emotional connection, it became much easier to address practical conflicts like household chores.
The key is keeping sight of the bigger picture. When current problems feel overwhelming, remember what made you fall head over heels initially. Share fun times reliving your love story - couples often just need prompting to reminisce fondly about how they met. Schedule regular low-stress dates to make new joyful memories together. Intentionally create special moments instead of just rushing through daily responsibilities. Exchange heartfelt gifts listing the top reasons you chose each other. Celebrate the miracle of finding your soulmate in this vast world. Recalling that magic can help you navigate bumpy terrain as a team.
Taking Responsibility for Growth
A common pitfall in relationships is expecting your partner to change while being unwilling to look at your own areas for growth. But the reality is, we can only control our own actions and responses. By focusing on our personal development, we often inspire positive changes in our partners as well.
Morin uses the metaphor of dancing to illustrate this principle. When we alter our own steps, our dance partner naturally adjusts in response. Similarly, by modifying our own behavior in relationships, we create space for our partners to evolve alongside us.
This doesn't mean tolerating genuinely harmful behavior. But for most relationship issues, taking ownership of our role and focusing on self-improvement yields better results than trying to force our partners to change.
For instance, if you feel your partner doesn't listen to you, instead of repeatedly criticizing them for being inattentive, work on improving your own communication skills. Practice expressing yourself more clearly and directly. Create dedicated time for meaningful conversations free from distractions. As you become a more effective communicator, you may find your partner becomes a more attentive listener in turn.
Or if you're frustrated by a lack of intimacy, rather than blaming your partner for being cold or withholding, examine how you can be more affectionate and create opportunities for connection. Plan thoughtful date nights, leave sweet notes, offer more hugs and kisses throughout the day. Your increased warmth may naturally inspire your partner to reciprocate.
Taking responsibility for your own growth also means addressing personal issues that may be impacting your relationship. If you struggle with anxiety, depression, or unresolved trauma, seeking individual therapy or counseling can have profound positive effects on your partnership. As you develop better emotional regulation and coping skills, you'll likely find you're able to show up as a more present, patient, and loving partner.
The beauty of this approach is that it empowers you to create positive change regardless of whether your partner is willing to work on the relationship. Of course, it's ideal when both people are committed to growth. But even if your partner is resistant, you can still dramatically improve your relationship dynamics by focusing on your own development.
Nurturing Emotional Intimacy
Physical intimacy often gets a lot of attention, but emotional intimacy is equally crucial for relationship satisfaction. Emotional intimacy involves feeling deeply connected, understood, and accepted by your partner. It's about being able to be vulnerable, share your innermost thoughts and feelings, and know that your partner has your back no matter what.
Many couples struggle with emotional intimacy, especially as the excitement of a new relationship fades into the routines of daily life. Work stress, child-rearing responsibilities, and general busyness can all contribute to emotional distance over time if not actively countered.
Morin emphasizes that maintaining emotional closeness requires intentional effort from both partners. Here are some strategies she recommends:
Practice active listening. When your partner is sharing something important, give them your full attention. Put away devices, make eye contact, and really focus on understanding their perspective rather than planning your response.
Express appreciation regularly. Make it a habit to verbalize gratitude for both big and small things your partner does. This helps create a positive atmosphere and makes your partner feel valued.
Be curious about each other. Don't assume you know everything about your partner, even if you've been together for years. Ask questions about their thoughts, feelings, dreams, and experiences. Show genuine interest in getting to know them on a deeper level.
Share vulnerably. Open up about your own fears, insecurities, and struggles. This invites your partner to do the same and fosters a sense of emotional safety in the relationship.
Offer support without trying to "fix" everything. Sometimes your partner just needs to feel heard and validated rather than being given solutions. Practice empathetic responses like "That sounds really tough. I'm here for you."
Create rituals of connection. This could be a weekly date night, a daily check-in over coffee, or a monthly weekend getaway. Having dedicated time to focus on each other helps maintain your bond.
Be physically affectionate. Simple touches like holding hands, hugging, or cuddling release oxytocin, the "bonding hormone," which promotes feelings of closeness.
Respect each other's emotional needs. We all have different ways of processing emotions and stress. Learn your partner's preferences and try to accommodate them, even if they differ from your own.
By consistently engaging in these practices, couples can deepen their emotional intimacy over time. This creates a strong foundation of trust and understanding that helps relationships weather inevitable challenges.
Maintaining Individual Identities
While closeness is important, mentally strong couples also recognize the value of maintaining individual identities within the relationship. It's easy to become overly enmeshed, especially in the early stages of romance. But losing your sense of self can actually harm the relationship in the long run.
Morin advises couples to strike a balance between togetherness and independence. This means nurturing your own interests, friendships, and goals alongside your shared life as a couple. Having a strong individual identity allows you to bring more to the relationship and keeps things fresh and exciting.
Some ways to maintain healthy individuality include:
- Pursuing separate hobbies and interests
- Spending time with your own friends
- Taking solo trips occasionally
- Setting personal goals outside the relationship
- Maintaining financial independence (to some degree)
- Respecting each other's need for alone time
The key is finding the right balance that works for both partners. Some couples are happy spending most of their time together, while others need more space. There's no one-size-fits-all approach. The important thing is openly communicating about your needs and finding compromises that satisfy both people.
Maintaining individual identities also involves supporting each other's personal growth and dreams. Encourage your partner to pursue their passions, even if they don't always align with your own interests. Celebrate their accomplishments and be their biggest cheerleader.
By nurturing your individual selves alongside your identity as a couple, you bring more richness and depth to the relationship. You're able to continually grow together rather than stagnating or growing apart.
Embracing Change and Growth
One constant in life and relationships is change. Our circumstances, priorities, and even personalities evolve over time. Mentally strong couples are able to embrace this reality rather than resisting it.
Instead of clinging to how things "used to be" or expecting your partner to remain exactly the same person you fell in love with, adopt an attitude of curiosity and openness to growth - both individually and as a couple.
This might mean:
- Regularly reassessing and updating your shared goals and vision for the future
- Being willing to renegotiate relationship agreements as needs change
- Supporting each other through major life transitions (career changes, becoming parents, etc.)
- Trying new experiences together to keep your connection fresh
- Adapting your communication styles as you learn and grow
- Viewing challenges as opportunities for mutual growth rather than threats to the relationship
The ability to evolve together while maintaining your core connection is what allows relationships to thrive long-term. It requires flexibility, patience, and a commitment to choosing each other every day.
Conclusion: Love as an Active Commitment
In wrapping up her insights on building resilient relationships, Morin emphasizes that love is not just a feeling, but an active commitment that must be continually renewed. Even the strongest partnerships require ongoing maintenance and care, much like tending a garden.
Key to this is taking personal responsibility for nurturing the relationship rather than expecting your partner to do all the work or blaming them for problems. Often, positive change begins when one partner models vulnerability, compassion, and a willingness to grow. This creates a safe space for the other to reciprocate.
By eliminating harmful habits like avoiding difficult conversations, keeping secrets, or taking each other for granted, couples can create an environment of trust, open communication, and mutual support. Consistently putting in effort to appreciate each other, maintain emotional intimacy, and face challenges as a team allows relationships to not just survive, but continuously evolve and deepen over time.
Ultimately, Morin's message is one of hope and empowerment. No matter how long you've been together or what obstacles you face, it's possible to strengthen your bond and rediscover the joy of partnership. With patience, commitment, and the right tools, couples can build relationships that are truly built to last.