Introduction
In today's fast-paced world, navigating relationships can be a challenging and often confusing journey. Ben Stuart's book "Single, Dating, Engaged, Married" offers a fresh perspective on love and relationships, grounded in Christian principles and practical wisdom. Whether you're currently single, exploring the dating scene, preparing for marriage, or already married, this book provides valuable insights to help you navigate each stage of your relationship journey.
Stuart combines personal anecdotes, cultural observations, and biblical teachings to create a roadmap for Christians seeking to build meaningful relationships in the modern age. His approach is both timeless and relevant, addressing the unique challenges faced by today's generation while staying true to core spiritual values.
The Foundation: God's Love
Finding Wholeness in God's Love
At the heart of Stuart's message is the idea that true fulfillment and wholeness come from understanding and embracing God's unconditional love. Before we can successfully navigate human relationships, we must first establish a strong foundation in our relationship with God.
Stuart uses the analogy of scuba diving to illustrate this point. When divers face a crisis underwater, such as an oxygen tank malfunction, they're supposed to share the functioning tank and slowly ascend together. However, fear often takes over, leading to panic and conflict. This scenario mirrors how we sometimes approach relationships when we feel that love and acceptance are scarce resources.
The key to breaking this cycle is recognizing that we are all beloved children of God. When we open our hearts to receive God's unconditional love and acceptance, we're filled in a way that no human relationship can replicate. This spiritual fullness allows us to approach romantic connections from a place of abundance rather than scarcity.
The Living Water
Stuart draws on the biblical story of Jesus meeting the Samaritan woman at the well to illustrate this concept. The woman had sought fulfillment through multiple relationships, but each left her feeling empty. Jesus offered her "living water" – a metaphor for the only love that can truly satisfy the human heart.
This story teaches us that all human love is meant to be a reflection of divine love. When we understand and receive God's affection for us, we gain the capacity to love others properly. Love burns brightest when it's fueled by spiritual truth.
Recognizing God's Love in Our Lives
Stuart encourages readers to accept the reality of God's boundless love. There's nothing we can do to make God love us more or less – His love is constant and unconditional. While God's love may be invisible, it's not imperceptible. We can see it manifested in our lives if we look closely:
- Love sends its best: God sent Jesus out of profound love for humanity.
- Love sacrifices without limit: Jesus gave His life to redeem all people.
- Love persists through all storms: God faithfully abides with us in every season of life.
When we internalize this truth – that we are beloved children of God – it transforms how we approach romantic connections. Instead of seeking love from a place of desperation, we can give love freely from a place of abundance. Anchored in divine acceptance, we can extend grace and compassion to every flawed and beautiful human we encounter.
The Gift of Singleness
Reframing Singleness as a Gift
Stuart challenges the common perception of singleness as a burden or a waiting period. Instead, he frames it as a valuable gift from God – a unique season that offers opportunities for growth and devotion that may not be as readily available in other relationship stages.
He uses the analogy of receiving socks as a Christmas gift. At first, it might seem underwhelming, but when your old socks wear out, you realize the value of those new, warm, hole-free socks. Similarly, the gift of singleness may not always feel satisfying in the moment, but its value becomes apparent with time and perspective.
Freedom from Distraction and Anxiety
Stuart highlights two major benefits of singleness:
Freedom from distraction: When we're not focused on pursuing romance, our minds and hearts can remain wholly fixed on God during worship, prayer, service, and time spent in the Word. The internal monologue that often accompanies interest in someone is silenced, enabling deeper connection with Jesus.
Freedom from anxiety: Even healthy marriages bring added concerns and stresses that can divert our attention. Questions about household responsibilities, children, finances, and meeting each other's needs all introduce worldly anxiety. Singleness offers a reprieve from these concerns.
Stewarding the Season of Singleness
While acknowledging the blessings of singleness, Stuart cautions against being reckless with this freedom through aimless pursuits. He cites a study showing that the average young adult has played 10,000 hours of video games by age 21 – the equivalent time investment required to earn a four-year university degree. While recreation can be refreshing, Stuart encourages readers to steward their season of singleness wisely for God's glory.
He suggests several worthwhile ways to leverage singleness:
- Volunteer around the world to aid those in need, taking advantage of flexible schedules untethered to family obligations.
- Devote time to intense study of godly wisdom to prepare for teaching others in the future.
- Spend extended time daily with Jesus, meditating on His word and enjoying intimacy with Him through prayer and worship.
- Fully invest in spiritual communities, helping lead others to know God's grace and truth.
Stuart reminds readers that no one's season of singleness is guaranteed to last, whether it is short or long. But while in it, God wants us to embrace it as a gift to pour ourselves into pursuits that strengthen our connection with Him and build His Kingdom.
Navigating the Dating Landscape
The Purpose of Dating
Stuart acknowledges that dating can be both exhilarating and challenging. It exposes our hearts to possible pain, yet most of us yearn for the profound connection and love found in a life partner. Dating plays an essential role in that journey toward commitment, but dating well amid modern complexities requires wisdom and discernment.
Biblical Wisdom for Modern Dating
While the Bible doesn't explicitly address modern dating, Stuart draws on scriptural principles to guide readers. He references proverbs that depict relationships gone awry, such as the misery of living with a contentious partner or the vulnerability of a hot-tempered person lacking self-control. These passages promote self-awareness and the importance of evaluating a potential spouse's character.
The Race Analogy
Stuart uses the analogy of runners racing toward God to illustrate the dating journey:
- Singles pursue God freely.
- Dating diverts attention to fellow racers, assessing compatibility.
- The focus should be less on surface traits and more on life direction.
- If someone doesn't share your devotion to God, bless them as they run their race, then keep your eyes fixed on the Lord.
Character and Chemistry
In seeking a soulmate, Stuart emphasizes the importance of evaluating both character and chemistry:
- Character reflects faith and values.
- Chemistry measures social, physical, and emotional connection.
He warns that character without chemistry leaves relationships stagnant, while chemistry without character foments conflict amid differing priorities.
Ideal character, according to Stuart, entails:
- A vibrant faith
- Life anchored in godly wisdom and love
- Shared religious beliefs, including core Christian doctrines
- Mutual encouragement of spiritual growth
- Wise actions and loving attitudes
Chemistry requires:
- Theological compatibility (shared spiritual worldview)
- Social compatibility (enjoyable interactions beyond romance)
- Physical and emotional chemistry (attraction and affection)
- Vocational compatibility (alignment on major lifestyle decisions)
Avoiding the Consumer Approach
Stuart cautions against treating dating like shopping, where people seek out an ideal set of measurements and traits. This consumer approach objectifies rather than connects and rates humans according to wish lists, filtering people out mechanically. It also adopts unrealistic expectations about human complexity and falsely assumes a static view of marriage spanning decades.
The Companion Mentality
Instead of the consumer approach, Stuart advocates for a companion mentality during dating. This involves:
- Seeking a whole person
- Asking if you resonate with someone enough to walk life's joys and trials together
- Focusing on giving of oneself rather than demanding satisfaction
- Allowing love to flow from God-rooted security rather than expectations and need
While Stuart acknowledges that the dating path includes risk, he encourages readers to evaluate wisely and filter prayerfully. The goal is to seek genuine connection where Christ's love shines through, using wisdom for protection and grace to empower the journey with patience and hope.
Engagement: Preparing for Marriage
Shifting Focus from Wedding to Marriage
Stuart emphasizes that engagement is a brief but crucial season between choosing a life partner and affirming that commitment through marriage. He cautions against getting caught up in wedding planning details at the expense of preparing for the actual marriage.
Four Key Areas of Evaluation
Stuart outlines four critical areas couples should assess during engagement:
Commitment to working through challenges:
- Willingness to persevere amidst hardship
- Prioritizing the relationship when apart
- Maturation of initial attraction into deep, lasting adoration
Communication skills:
- Ability to argue without contempt
- Fighting fair, avoiding silence or cruelty
- Speaking truth with love, especially during conflicts
- Using gentle words that bear sweet fruit
Honesty about past and present struggles:
- Bringing painful pasts and current issues into the light
- Sharing deep places to foster intimacy
- Recognizing that withholding secrets erodes relationship integrity
Seeking community perspectives:
- Gaining wisdom from mentors and role models
- Listening to outside insight for safeguarding the relationship
- Preparing to eventually become the couple others turn to for advice
Uniting Lives Beyond the Couple
Stuart stresses the importance of merging lives beyond just the couple during engagement:
Getting to know each other's close circles:
- Making efforts to connect with friends, family, or chosen family
- Honoring soon-to-be in-laws by including them in joys and future visions
- Following the biblical call to value the parents of spouses
Aligning financial visions:
- Mapping shared plans for managing debt, earning, giving, and saving
- Recognizing that marriage interweaves dreams and dollars
- Establishing clarity and agreement on finances to set firm foundations
Confirming alignment on larger life journeys:
- Discussing and aligning dreams and aspirations
- Ensuring these goals challenge and complete rather than conflict and compete
- Recognizing that the strongest marriages navigate toward the same horizon
Stuart encourages engaged couples to evaluate thoroughly, merge completely, dream jointly, and walk hand-in-hand toward horizons glowing with possibility. By doing so, they set the stage for discovering lifelong love.
Marriage as a Mission
True Freedom in Marriage
Stuart challenges the notion that freedom means living without boundaries or limits. Instead, he posits that true freedom comes from freely pursuing one's purpose. Just as a fish is most free when swimming and a bird when flying, a marriage reaches its full potential when both partners work together on a mission to pursue God.
The Spiritual Symbolism of Marriage
Stuart emphasizes that marriage symbolizes profound spiritual truths. God designed the marital union of husband and wife to reflect Christ's relationship with the Church. This metaphor contains insights about achieving unity through Godly love.
Understanding Submission in Marriage
Stuart addresses the often-controversial biblical instruction for wives to submit to their husbands "as to the Lord." He clarifies that the original meaning does not imply domination or servitude. Instead, it asks wives to willingly come under a husband's care and leadership.
He compares this to a cooperative dance that requires both leading and following for harmonious execution. Stuart draws parallels to how a wise general listens to soldiers in the field, though responsibility for strategy rests with commanders. He even points out that Jesus, though fully divine, submitted during his earthly life to human parents in accordance with God's family order.
Stuart stresses that this concept of submission does not prevent wives from:
- Exerting influence
- Pursuing dreams
- Voicing perspectives
Instead, it encourages wives to trust in their husband's leadership when his direction aligns with moral wisdom, lending support through words and actions rather than resisting or competing.
The Husband's Role: Unconditional, Sacrificial Love
For husbands, Stuart emphasizes the biblical call to unconditional, sacrificial love. He encourages husbands to actively move toward their wives, even on difficult days, rather than passively withdrawing.
Stuart outlines several ways husbands can demonstrate leadership:
Pursuing intimacy:
- Planning dates
- Giving undivided attention
- Taking initiative in resolving conflicts
Initiating spiritual growth:
- Taking responsibility for family worship
- Engaging with the Bible
- Leading service projects
- Mentoring next generations in the faith
Proactively stewarding the household:
- Managing domestic duties
- Wisely handling resources
Honoring their wife:
- Listening carefully to her ideas
- Creating space for her dreams
- Recognizing and valuing her giftings
The Dance of Marriage
Stuart describes the ideal marriage as a dance that knits two distinct but equal roles into one flesh:
- Wives conduct themselves trustingly under loving leadership.
- Husbands lovingly lay down themselves through leadership.
When gracefully intertwined, this dance of marriage displays the Gospel's transformative power.
Conclusion: The Journey of Love
As we reflect on Ben Stuart's insights in "Single, Dating, Engaged, Married," several key themes emerge that apply to all stages of the relationship journey:
God's Love as the Foundation: Stuart consistently emphasizes that understanding and embracing God's unconditional love is crucial for building healthy relationships. This divine love fills us and frees us to love others authentically.
Embracing Each Season: Whether single, dating, engaged, or married, each stage of life offers unique opportunities for growth and connection with God. Stuart encourages readers to fully embrace their current season, recognizing its value and purpose.
Intentional Relationship Building: Throughout the book, Stuart advocates for purposeful and intentional approaches to relationships. This includes stewarding singleness wisely, dating with discernment, preparing thoroughly during engagement, and continually nurturing marriage.
Character and Compatibility: In all stages of relationships, Stuart stresses the importance of both godly character and genuine compatibility. He encourages readers to look beyond surface-level attraction to seek partners who share their faith, values, and life direction.
Community and Wisdom: Stuart repeatedly highlights the value of seeking wisdom from mentors, family, and community. He reminds readers that healthy relationships are not built in isolation but thrive with the support and insight of others.
Spiritual Growth as a Shared Journey: Whether single or partnered, Stuart emphasizes the importance of continual spiritual growth. He encourages readers to view relationships as opportunities to grow closer to God together.
Love as a Reflection of the Divine: Throughout the book, Stuart frames human love as a reflection of God's love for humanity. This perspective elevates relationships beyond mere personal fulfillment to a higher, spiritual purpose.
Grace and Forgiveness: Recognizing the imperfect nature of all human relationships, Stuart weaves themes of grace and forgiveness throughout his advice. He encourages readers to extend the same grace to others that God extends to us.
Mission-Focused Partnerships: Particularly in marriage, Stuart emphasizes the importance of couples uniting around a shared mission. He encourages partners to view their relationship as a vehicle for serving God and others.
Continuous Growth and Adaptation: Stuart's advice acknowledges that relationships, like individuals, go through various stages of growth and change. He encourages readers to continually adapt, learn, and grow together.
By integrating these principles, readers of "Single, Dating, Engaged, Married" are equipped to navigate the complexities of modern relationships while staying grounded in timeless spiritual truths. Stuart's work serves as both a practical guide and a spiritual compass, helping readers build relationships that are not only personally fulfilling but also aligned with their faith and values.
Ultimately, Stuart's message is one of hope and purpose. Whether you're currently single, exploring dating, preparing for marriage, or nurturing a long-term partnership, this book reminds us that our relationship status is not just about personal happiness. It's about growing in our faith, serving others, and reflecting God's love to the world around us. By viewing our romantic journeys through this lens, we can find deeper meaning and satisfaction in every stage of life and love.