The State of Affairs Summary

Why do happy people cheat? What can infidelity teach us about our modern relationships, intimacy, and identity?

1. Infidelity Is Hard to Define

Definitions of cheating vary widely across cultures and relationships, making it challenging to pinpoint exactly what constitutes infidelity. In the digital age, this ambiguity has grown with platforms like Tinder and covert online interactions. For some, flirting online may count as betrayal, while others see the boundaries drawn only at physical acts like intimacy with a sex worker or emotional connections outside the relationship.

The complexity of defining infidelity is further evident in studies that estimate cheating rates. Some say it's as low as 25% in the United States, while others claim it’s closer to 70%. This diversity is partly rooted in subjective perceptions of trust and relationships but also influenced by changing social norms and evolving gender roles.

Most cases of infidelity involve elements of secrecy, sexual chemistry, or emotional connection. These components usually intensify the hurt. For instance, the betrayal of withholding truth often causes more pain than a physical affair itself. Similarly, deep emotional involvement outside a relationship may deal a harder blow than a casual one-night stand.

Examples

• Flirting in an online chatroom may be seen as disloyalty for one couple but not for another.
• A study in 2007 showed women in college were more likely than men to engage in emotional or physical infidelity under broader definitions like kissing.
• A man grappling with betrayal may feel more wounded by the emotional connection his spouse shared with someone else than by an external act of intimacy.

2. Infidelity Shakes Personal Identity

Infidelity doesn’t just break trust; it can destabilize the very sense of self for both the betrayed and the betrayer. A person in a long-term relationship often builds their identity intertwined with their role as a partner. When betrayal occurs, this foundation shakes, fueling self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy.

In cultures where identity isn’t as tied to romantic partnership, like Senegal, betrayal can feel less personal. There, infidelity might be perceived more as a cultural norm rather than a personal failure. But in regions like the U.S., much value is placed on romantic exclusivity, amplifying the emotional fallout.

Even the person committing infidelity isn’t immune to identity struggles. They might feel torn between their role as a faithful partner and the allure of rediscovering a hidden part of themselves. This inner conflict can force them to evaluate who they think they are versus who they actually are.

Examples

• A Senegalese woman who feels disappointed but not emotionally uprooted by her husband’s infidelity.
• A U.S. woman questioning her worth after discovering her partner’s long-term affair.
• A man who comes to terms with replicating his unfaithful father’s behavior, despite trying not to.

3. Jealousy Can Be Both Necessary and Taboo

Jealousy, often considered an ugly emotion, plays a surprisingly important role in understanding love and attachment. In some cultures, such as Brazil, jealousy takes center stage in discussions about infidelity. Rather than ignoring it, individuals confront the emotion directly to assess their relationships.

In Western cultures, jealousy is largely taboo, as it is perceived as a sign of insecurity or weakness. Self-help books often avoid tackling it, pushing the narrative that a confident partner would not feel jealous. However, suppressing such emotions might hinder deeper conversations about love, vulnerability, and expectations.

A healthy dose of jealousy, however, can highlight affection and commitment. It signals the value of the relationship to both partners. For instance, when a spouse shows subtle jealousy over a flirtatious stranger, it can affirm the other partner’s significance in their life.

Examples

• Brazilian couple therapy sessions often dive straight into the examination of mutual jealousy.
• Historically, men in Western societies both exhibited and acted on jealousy more than women were socially permitted to.
• Feeling slight jealousy over a partner’s admiration of someone else can reaffirm emotional investment.

4. The Decision to Reveal or Conceal an Affair

In many Western societies, the prevailing belief is that revealing an affair is a moral obligation. Love and honesty are seen as inherently intertwined, and withholding the truth is almost as bad as the affair itself. Yet, the decision to confess isn’t always so straightforward.

Some situations might call for secrecy. For example, a single fling could risk unjustly ending an otherwise healthy relationship. Sometimes, confessing an affair stems from a selfish need to ease guilt rather than addressing what’s best for the partner or relationship.

This moral dilemma gets further complicated when long-term consequences are considered. Imagine sharing news of a past affair with a dying loved one; the act would likely create unnecessary suffering. The question becomes whether honesty is really helpful, or if some truths are better left unspoken.

Examples

• A woman hesitant to reveal her affair knowing her fiancé has been betrayed before.
• A man whose clandestine encounters improved dynamics and intimacy in his marriage.
• A deathbed confession by a man about decades of infidelity, leaving his spouse heartbroken.

5. Happy Relationships Can Still Involve Affairs

Contrary to popular belief, infidelity doesn’t always indicate dissatisfaction in a relationship. People in loving partnerships can still stray, driven by curiosity or a desire to explore parts of themselves they’ve felt constrained from expressing.

Consider Priya, a woman in a seemingly perfect marriage who found herself drawn to an affair. Her relationship with her husband Colin was happy, but an affair offered her a sense of freedom and adventure she hadn’t allowed herself before. For her, infidelity became a way of exploring an alternate identity.

This duality illustrates that infidelity isn’t always about shortcomings in a partner or relationship – it can also be about uncovering hidden needs or desires within oneself.

Examples

• Priya’s affair with a handyman helped her break free from the constraints of always being the “good” girl.
• A partner who is deeply in love but succumbs to the thrill of danger associated with secret encounters.
• A relationship expert explaining how satisfied spouses might seek excitement elsewhere to balance predictability.

6. Early Experiences of Love Influence Sexual Relationships

For some people, childhood experiences create boundaries between love and sex. Often, this comes when love feels entangled in family obligation or trauma, leading to difficulty connecting emotional bonds with sexual desires.

Take Garth, a man who loses interest in his partners after deeply bonding with them emotionally. His past, dominated by protecting his vulnerable mother, causes him to project maternal relationships onto his wives, leaving him unable to combine love with passion.

These psychological roots are complex, and resolving them is often a lifelong process. For such individuals, handling desires outside their marriages can often appear as coping rather than a casual decision.

Examples

• Garth avoiding sex with his deeply loved wives as he associates closeness with childhood memories.
• A study highlighting how childhood trauma can sever connections between emotional and sexual intimacy.
• A therapist discussing cases where men feel awkward mixing affection and attraction in committed relationships.

7. Betrayal Isn’t Always About Infidelity

While cheating is a lightning rod for condemnation, there are subtler yet often more damaging forms of betrayal within relationships. A partner’s neglect, cruelty, or consistent invalidation can leave deeper scars than an affair.

Mona’s story sheds light on this. Trapped in an emotionally abusive marriage, she found kindness and affirmation in an affair with a man who helped restore her self-worth. The infidelity revealed how starved she had been for empathy and connection in her marriage.

By reframing betrayal as broader than just sexual or emotional disloyalty, couples can examine whether their behaviors foster connection or alienation.

Examples

• Dexter making Mona feel insignificant over years of taunts while demanding household sacrifices.
• Partners who feel trapped when forced to give up passions or career ambitions to satisfy their spouse.
• A woman citing her husband’s absence of affirmation as more painful than his years of cheating.

8. Non-Monogamy May Not Always Equal Contentment

Consensual non-monogamy (CNM) offers an alternative to cheating, but it brings its own set of challenges. While some relationships thrive when partners have the freedom to seek external connections, new rules often replace old boundaries, creating fresh potential for conflict.

CNM requires honesty and trust. Still, humans are fallible. A non-monogamous partner might unintentionally form deeper feelings for someone else, a scenario that can trigger feelings of betrayal, even when permission has been given for external relationships.

Relationships are inherently rule-bound, whether monogamous or not. And as authors and therapists have highlighted, breaking those rules – even in consensual frameworks – remains a tempting act.

Examples

• Couples managing jealousy over which external partners are acceptable.
• Partners agreeing on "sex-only" relationships yet facing crises over unexpected emotional entanglements.
• A story of CNM redefining loyalty without avoiding conflict altogether.

Takeaways

1. Create a shared definition of faithfulness: Use open communication to agree on boundaries regarding emotional and physical monogamy.
2. Recognize non-cheating betrayals: Identify small betrayals in everyday behavior, like neglect or cruel words, and address them openly.
3. Consider “monogamish” arrangements: Explore flexibility in intimacy while maintaining clear rules that prioritize mutual respect and trust.