Closer to Love

“Relationships demand ongoing effort, and they will only thrive when grounded in self-awareness and consistent care.”

1. Love Is More Than a Feeling—It’s a Choice and a Lifestyle

Love isn’t just the fireworks or feelings of infatuation that we see in movies; it’s much deeper. According to Vex King, love is grounded in consistent actions, positive energy, and daily choices. Sustaining love involves actively showing care, forgiving flaws, and supporting growth. Real love is built on understanding and effort, not fleeting emotions.

King emphasizes the metaphor of love as a vibration. Love comes from within, reflecting your mindset and self-perception. When you’re kinder and joyful, you radiate love and attract healthy relationships. This frequency isn’t automatic but can be cultivated through affirmations, seeking positivity, and choosing to appreciate love around you.

Lastly, love becomes a way of life when you let it guide your actions. This involves treating others with compassion, focusing on their positive aspects, and genuinely supporting them. Making love your operating principle creates deeper harmony with others and helps you navigate life more peacefully.

Examples

• Sending an encouraging text to your partner each morning is a way to show love as an action.
• Practicing gratitude daily for the people in your life raises your love vibration.
• Choosing to forgive a friend for a mistake reflects love as a life philosophy.

2. Meaningful Connections Begin with Knowing Yourself

Before you expect to form strong bonds with others, you need a firm understanding of your own identity. King argues that self-discovery and self-love form the foundation of any healthy relationship. Relationships are more stable when you’re self-aware and emotionally grounded.

Start by answering fundamental questions about yourself. Consider what you want in a partner, how you handle conflict, and the patterns in your past relationships. These insights reveal your emotional needs and boundaries, helping you make wiser choices in love.

Additionally, practices like journaling, spending time on hobbies, and taking care of yourself nurture this connection with your inner self. The stronger your self-awareness and self-worth, the less likely you’ll accept toxic relationships or lose yourself to someone else.

Examples

• Reflecting on a failed relationship can help you recognize your triggers and areas to grow.
• Setting a boundary like not answering work calls during dinner preserves your well-being.
• Journaling about your daily emotions helps you tune in to what you need and value.

3. Heal the Past Before Embracing New Love

Your past shapes how you perceive and interact in relationships. King shares how unresolved trauma, old habits, or negative beliefs can sabotage your happiness in the present. To build lasting love, it’s necessary to unpack and let go of past baggage.

Identify emotional scars and unhealthy expectations from previous relationships. These include projecting fears of rejection or unfairly comparing a new partner to an ex. By addressing these hurts and reframing personal narratives, you create space for healthier dynamics.

Additionally, King highlights breaking free from attachment styles formed in childhood. For instance, someone with an anxious attachment might cling to partners, while another with an avoidant style might push love away. Becoming aware of these tendencies helps you approach relationships more openly and compassionately.

Examples

• After a messy breakup, taking time to grieve and reflect rather than rebounding can prevent repeated patterns.
• Understanding that not every disagreement means rejection allows you to argue constructively.
• Releasing anger toward an ex makes space for genuine emotional connection with someone new.

4. Relationships Benefit From Clear Rules

King outlines ten rules to help relationships thrive. These principles act as guidelines for treating each other with respect, balancing individuality, and maintaining love’s spark.

One rule stresses keeping small gestures alive, such as holding hands or writing love notes, to sustain affection. Another encourages addressing conflicts maturely; instead of “winning” fights, partners should aim for fairness and understanding. A third rule emphasizes balancing giving and receiving, ensuring neither partner feels overwhelmed or unappreciated.

King also advocates planning your relationship’s future together, like deciding long-term goals or tackling potential challenges before they emerge. Such habits create stronger reciprocity, trust, and alignment.

Examples

• Leaving a sweet note for your partner by their coffee cup is a small gesture that strengthens emotional bonds.
• Discussing financial goals openly reduces misunderstandings about how to plan for the future.
• Appreciating your partner’s quirks rather than comparing them to others avoids resentment.

5. Understand and Regulate Emotional Triggers

Everyone brings emotional triggers into relationships based on prior experiences. Outbursts often stem from these unresolved feelings, which can derail relationships quickly. King argues that identifying and managing triggers is essential for healthier love.

Start by reflecting on what sparks your reactions, like fear of abandonment or sensitivity to criticism. Through this self-awareness, you can regulate emotions more effectively and refrain from blaming your partner. Openly talking about your triggers also helps couples navigate them without unnecessary friction.

Couples should also learn to manage each other’s triggers with care and gentleness. Acknowledging your partner’s emotional landscape and choosing how to respond reinforces mutual trust.

Examples

• A partner may feel hurt by teasing if they were bullied as a child; understanding this reduces inadvertently causing pain.
• Journaling your feelings after arguments can help you pinpoint why they escalated.
• Responding calmly during heated moments instead of shouting builds relational safety.

6. Learn the Many Dimensions of Intimacy

Most people equate intimacy with physical closeness, but King introduces a broader perspective. He explains that emotional intimacy (sharing feelings), intellectual intimacy (exchanging ideas), and experiential intimacy (connecting through shared activities) are equally important.

Keeping the bond alive means deliberately nurturing all dimensions of intimacy. Spend quality time together, express appreciation regularly, and engage in meaningful conversations. Physical touch plays a role, but love deepens further through emotional and mental connection.

To maintain healthy intimacy, take time to discover what makes your partner feel loved and appreciated. By addressing this multidimensional approach, relationships move beyond surface-level attraction.

Examples

• Scheduling weekly date nights fosters experiential intimacy as a couple.
• Asking your partner about their deeper insecurities encourages emotional closeness.
• Sharing intellectual discussions, like goals or book recommendations, strengthens mental intimacy.

7. Accept Individual Differences

King acknowledges that your partner is a unique person with their distinct traits, flaws, and dreams. Rather than trying to change them, develop acceptance. This includes celebrating their individuality and respecting differences in opinions or habits.

A relationship isn’t about creating a clone of yourself. It’s about forming a partnership where both parties feel free to be authentic. Acceptance leads to peace because it removes the pressure for perfection or conformity.

When challenges arise, practice empathy. Most differences are opportunities for growth, teaching resilience and compromise rather than conflict.

Examples

• Instead of criticizing your partner’s hobbies, celebrate their interests even if you don’t share them.
• Accepting a partner’s tendency to procrastinate requires balancing understanding with teamwork.
• Supporting their independent career or personal goals reflects trust and respect.

8. Know When Love Has Run Its Course

Sometimes relationships stagnate or become harmful, and recognizing these signs early can help you exit gracefully. King describes common signs of failure, such as ongoing unmet needs, diverging paths, or toxic dynamics like defensiveness or contempt.

Leaving requires courage and self-respect. Ending things isn’t failure, but an opportunity for growth and self-love. A break-up can lead to better self-awareness, teaching lessons that prepare you for healthier love.

Staying grounded in self-worth reassures you that being alone temporarily is better than staying in a damaging relationship.

Examples

• Recognizing that constant stonewalling prevents constructive communication.
• Deciding to leave when recurring conflict outweighs shared happiness.
• Knowing you’re worthy of better treatment helps you walk away from toxic situations.

9. Self-Development Fuels Relationship Success

Lastly, King underscores that personal growth fuels relational growth. Partners should invest in themselves—whether through hobbies, education, or emotional healing—because vibrant relationships flourish when individuals thrive.

Being in a relationship doesn’t mean losing individuality. Instead, it’s a union where two independent people lift each other. Partners grow together not by merging identities, but by encouraging each other’s evolution.

Regular self-improvement ensures you bring your best self into the relationship, inspiring your partner to do the same.

Examples

• Taking a yoga class rekindles personal passions unrelated to your partner.
• Exploring therapy helps process insecurities that might affect your connection.
• Supporting your partner’s dream project strengthens mutual admiration.

Takeaways

1. Reflect on your emotional patterns and past pain before beginning a new relationship.
2. Practice small daily gestures like compliments or acts of service to keep love alive consistently.
3. Expand your understanding of intimacy beyond physical affection and nurture emotional and intellectual closeness with your partner.