Introduction
In her book "Come Together," author and PhD Emily Nagoski tackles the complex topic of sexual intimacy in long-term relationships. Drawing from her own experiences and extensive research, Nagoski explores the challenges couples face in maintaining a fulfilling sex life and offers practical advice for overcoming these obstacles.
The book addresses a common paradox many couples encounter: despite knowing the importance of sexual intimacy, they often struggle to maintain desire and connection over time. Nagoski's approach goes beyond simplistic solutions for "spicing things up" and instead delves into the root causes of intimacy issues.
"Come Together" presents a fresh perspective on sexual well-being, focusing on pleasure rather than performance or societal expectations. The book aims to help readers develop a more nuanced understanding of their own sexuality and provides tools for creating a more satisfying intimate life, regardless of gender, orientation, or relationship structure.
Understanding the Importance of Sex
One of the first steps in addressing intimacy issues is to examine our personal beliefs about the role of sex in our lives. Nagoski encourages readers to consider the question: "Is sex a big deal for you?"
This seemingly simple question can reveal a lot about our attitudes and expectations regarding sex. Some people may realize that they've been operating under the assumption that sex should be important, without actually feeling that way themselves. Others might discover that sex holds even greater significance for them than they previously thought.
The key insight here is that there's no objectively correct level of importance for sex. Unlike basic needs such as food and water, sex isn't essential for survival. Its importance is entirely subjective and varies from person to person. Nagoski emphasizes that whatever level of importance you assign to sex, your feelings are valid.
For those who do value sex, it's crucial to understand why. While physical pleasure is certainly a factor, it's often not the primary motivation. The book highlights several common reasons people seek sexual intimacy:
- Experiencing closeness with a partner
- Sharing pleasure with someone else
- Feeling desired
- Escaping everyday concerns and losing oneself in ecstasy
By identifying your personal motivations for seeking sexual intimacy, you can better understand what makes sex worthwhile for you. This understanding is the first step in creating contexts that facilitate sexual connection.
The Accelerator and Brake System
Nagoski introduces the concept of an "accelerator and brake system" to explain how sexual desire works. This model suggests that our sexual response is influenced by two competing forces:
- The accelerator: factors that turn us on and increase desire
- The brakes: elements that inhibit arousal and decrease desire
Everyone's accelerator and brake system is unique. What hits the accelerator for one person might slam on the brakes for another. For example, the risk of getting caught might be exciting for some people but anxiety-inducing for others.
To better understand your own system, Nagoski suggests reflecting on times when accessing pleasure was easy. What was happening in your life? How did you feel about yourself and the world around you? These memories can provide valuable clues about your personal accelerators.
Similarly, identifying your brakes can help you understand what might be holding you back from experiencing desire or pleasure. Common brakes include stress, body image issues, relationship problems, or external distractions.
By exploring your accelerator and brake system, you can open up meaningful conversations with yourself and your partner about how to create contexts that promote intimacy and pleasure.
Challenging the Desire Imperative
One of the most pervasive myths about sexuality in long-term relationships is what Nagoski calls the "desire imperative." This is the belief that a healthy sex life requires constant, spontaneous craving for your partner.
The desire imperative can create unnecessary pressure and anxiety, leading couples to feel like they're failing if they don't experience intense, spontaneous desire. Nagoski argues that this belief is not only unrealistic but also potentially harmful to relationships.
Instead of focusing on desire, Nagoski proposes a shift towards prioritizing pleasure. She introduces a simple yet powerful mantra: "Pleasure is the measure." This means that the true indicator of a healthy sex life is not how often you want sex, but how much you enjoy the sex you're having.
For couples struggling with low desire, the root issue is often that the sex they're having isn't pleasurable. If sex feels like a chore or an obligation, it's natural not to want it. By reframing the goal from increasing desire to increasing pleasure, couples can take a more positive and effective approach to improving their intimate lives.
Overcoming Harmful Imperatives
In addition to the desire imperative, Nagoski identifies several other harmful beliefs that can interfere with sexual satisfaction:
The coital imperative: The idea that penis-in-vagina intercourse is the ultimate or only "real" form of sex. This belief can limit sexual expression and exclude many forms of pleasure.
The gender mirage: The illusion of binary gender roles that constrains sexual expression and identity.
To combat these restrictive beliefs, Nagoski introduces the concept of "blanket permission." This is an invitation to explore your sexuality in whatever way feels authentic and pleasurable to you, free from societal expectations or norms.
Blanket permission allows you to:
- Engage in any consensual sexual activity that brings you pleasure
- Modify or opt out of any sexual activity that doesn't feel right for you
- Center your own pleasure rather than conforming to external standards
Nagoski emphasizes that "normal" sexuality can be defined by just two criteria:
- Mutual consent
- The absence of unwanted physical or emotional pain
As long as these two conditions are met, any sexual activity or expression is valid and "normal."
The Emotional Floor Plan
To help readers understand their emotional landscape and its impact on sexuality, Nagoski introduces the concept of the "emotional floor plan." This is a visual metaphor for our inner emotional world, consisting of seven main "rooms":
Four pleasure-favorable rooms:
- Lust
- Play
- Seeking
- Care
Three pleasure-averse rooms:
- Panic and grief
- Fear
- Rage
The pleasure-favorable rooms are emotional states that are conducive to accessing pleasure and intimacy. The pleasure-averse rooms, on the other hand, make it more difficult to experience pleasure or desire.
Each person's emotional floor plan is unique. The rooms may be arranged differently, and there might be secret passages or shortcuts between them. Understanding your personal floor plan can help you navigate your emotional landscape more effectively, especially in the context of intimacy.
For example, you might realize that your "play" room (where you experience joy, laughter, and fun) is closely connected to your "lust" room. This insight could help you create more opportunities for playful interactions with your partner as a pathway to intimacy.
Conversely, you might notice that your "fear" room is far away from your "lust" room, making it difficult to access desire when you're feeling anxious or insecure. Recognizing this pattern can help you address underlying fears or anxieties that might be interfering with your intimate life.
Nagoski encourages readers to map out their own emotional floor plans, considering questions like:
- What brings you joy and ushers you into the room of play?
- How close is your play room to your lust room?
- What might push you into the space of fear, and what can pull you out?
This self-reflection can provide valuable insights into your emotional patterns and help you identify strategies for creating more favorable contexts for intimacy.
Embracing Change in Intimate Relationships
As we journey through life, our bodies and circumstances inevitably change. These changes can significantly impact our intimate relationships. Nagoski emphasizes the importance of approaching these changes with "warm curiosity" rather than resistance or frustration.
Some common changes that can affect intimacy include:
- Aging
- Illness
- Menopause
- Trauma
- Disability
Instead of viewing these changes as barriers to intimacy, Nagoski encourages readers to see them as opportunities for growth and exploration. This attitude of warm curiosity invites questions like, "How can this change in our lives introduce us to new forms of intimacy?"
For example, aging bodies might not have the same stamina or flexibility as they did in youth. However, this change can encourage couples to slow down, experiment with new positions, or explore other forms of touch and closeness that they might not have considered before.
Dealing with Trauma in Intimate Relationships
Trauma, whether from past abuse, neglect, or other deeply hurtful experiences, can have a profound impact on intimacy. Nagoski offers guidance for approaching trauma with compassion and curiosity:
Recognize that responses to trauma (such as withdrawal, anger, or fear) are not signs of brokenness. They're survival mechanisms.
Create a safe space for both partners to share and listen without judgment.
Acknowledge each other's pain and support each other through the healing process.
Consider seeking professional help through therapy.
Practice self-compassion and build a supportive community.
For wounds caused within the relationship, even unintentionally, Nagoski introduces the concept of the "third thing conversation." This approach treats the wound as a shared project, external to both partners and the relationship itself.
Steps for a third thing conversation:
- Both partners share their difficult feelings without judgment.
- Turn toward the feelings with calm, warm curiosity.
- Acknowledge the feelings or offer a pathway out of the negative headspace.
- Close the conversation by expressing admiration or confidence in the relationship bond.
This approach helps avoid blame and keeps the focus on healing and growth.
The Magic Trick: Accessing Erotic Wisdom
One of the most intriguing concepts Nagoski introduces is what she calls "the magic trick." This is a state of profound connection where the boundaries of individual self seem to dissolve, creating a sense of oneness with another person or the universe itself.
The magic trick is a form of mindfulness that taps into our erotic wisdom and celebrates our capacity for embodiment. Importantly, it's not limited to sexual experiences – it can occur during any deeply sensory experience, from savoring a delicious meal to participating in group singing.
Key elements of the magic trick include:
Savoring: Using all your senses to deeply appreciate life's pleasures. This might involve sharing moments of joy out loud or taking time to focus intently on every bite of a meal.
Moving rhythmically with others: Engaging in shared, rhythmic movement can help synchronize your biology with others and encourage an expanded sense of self.
Freedom and play: The magic trick happens in a context of expanding freedom and playful exploration.
Nagoski emphasizes that practicing the magic trick can profoundly shift how we experience life, deepening our connections with our partners, our bodies, and the world around us.
Case Studies: Learning from Real Couples
To illustrate how these concepts play out in real life, Nagoski shares the stories of two couples who overcame intimacy challenges:
Mike and Kendra
Mike and Kendra's intimacy issues began during Kendra's first pregnancy when her spontaneous desire disappeared. Mike, caught up in the desire imperative, wanted Kendra to want sex more often. Kendra, meanwhile, felt frustrated that her lack of desire was seen as a "problem" to be fixed, especially since she still enjoyed the sex they did have.
The turning point came when they learned to prioritize pleasure over desire. With guidance from Nagoski, Mike let go of his entitlement to Kendra's desire and the idea that Kendra needed to be "fixed." Instead, they focused on co-creating pleasure together.
Key takeaways from Mike and Kendra's story:
- Letting go of the desire imperative can relieve pressure and anxiety
- Focusing on mutual pleasure rather than frequency or spontaneous desire can revitalize a sexual relationship
- Embracing the current state of a sexual relationship, free from expectations, can lead to greater satisfaction
Ama and Di
Ama and Di, a mixed-race lesbian couple, were struggling with intimacy due to the pressures of work and parenting three children. Their journey to rekindling intimacy involved several strategies:
Emotional floor plan: Ama realized that for her, the "play" room was the easiest route to the "lust" room. This insight allowed her to communicate her needs more effectively to Di.
Clear communication: Ama told Di, "I need joking around," giving Di a clear way to meet Ama's needs without prescribing how Di should think or feel.
The magic trick: Di proposed a session where she would go down on Ama, focusing on slow, full-body exploration rather than rushing to sexual gratification. This approach allowed Ama's arousal and desire to ebb and flow naturally, creating an extraordinary intimate experience.
Key takeaways from Ama and Di's story:
- Understanding your emotional floor plan can provide valuable insights into your intimacy needs
- Clear, specific communication about needs can help partners support each other effectively
- Slowing down and savoring sensations can transform intimate experiences
Both of these stories highlight the power of communication, vulnerability, and a willingness to explore new approaches to intimacy.
Final Thoughts: Embracing Authentic Sexuality
"Come Together" offers a compassionate and practical approach to overcoming barriers to sexual intimacy. The book's core message is that sexual well-being comes from prioritizing pleasure over desire and embracing open, honest communication with ourselves and our partners.
Key takeaways from the book include:
Reject harmful societal myths: The desire imperative, coital imperative, and gender mirage can all interfere with authentic sexual expression. Embracing "blanket permission" allows for a more genuine exploration of sexuality.
Focus on pleasure, not performance: Instead of worrying about how often you want sex or whether you're doing it "right," concentrate on creating experiences that are genuinely enjoyable for both partners.
Understand your emotional landscape: Mapping out your emotional floor plan can provide valuable insights into your patterns of desire and intimacy.
Approach changes with warm curiosity: Whether dealing with aging, illness, or trauma, an attitude of curiosity and compassion can open doors to new forms of intimacy.
Explore the "magic trick": Tapping into your erotic wisdom through mindfulness and savoring can deepen your connection with yourself, your partner, and the world around you.
Communicate openly and vulnerably: Clear, honest communication about needs, desires, and challenges is crucial for maintaining a satisfying intimate relationship.
Create contexts for pleasure: Understanding your personal "accelerators" and "brakes" can help you and your partner create situations that are conducive to intimacy and pleasure.
By embracing these principles, readers can work towards a more authentic, satisfying, and pleasure-focused approach to sexuality. Nagoski's work reminds us that there's no one-size-fits-all solution to sexual well-being. Instead, the key lies in understanding and honoring our unique needs, desires, and experiences.
"Come Together" offers a roadmap for couples to navigate the complexities of long-term sexual relationships with compassion, curiosity, and joy. By letting go of restrictive beliefs and embracing a more holistic view of sexuality, readers can unlock new dimensions of intimacy and connection in their relationships.