Come Together Summary

“What matters most in sexual well-being isn’t desire, but the ability to create and enjoy shared moments of pleasure.”

1. Understanding Your Own "Why" for Sex

Sex means different things to everybody. It’s not inherently important like food or water; its value is subjective. Understanding the "why" behind your sexual desires or lack thereof is foundational for creating a fulfilling experience. Some people feel it fosters closeness and bonding. Others see it as a way to give and receive pleasure or even escape from the mundane pressures of daily life.

By identifying your motivations, you gain clarity about what makes sex meaningful to you. This understanding helps create favorable circumstances for intimacy, like catering to factors that excite and avoiding those that deter. It's about tailoring your experiences around your specific needs and feelings.

For example, reflecting on what turned you on during past intimate encounters can offer clues about your accelerators—things that heighten arousal—and brakes—things that hinder it. Sharing this exploration with a partner deepens connection and opens the door to authentic sexual dynamics.

Examples

• Some find relaxation or a sense of safety crucial to feeling desire, while others thrive in moments filled with novelty.
• A long-term couple might look back to playful experiences that once excited them, reigniting that atmosphere.
• A person may discover that external stresses such as work or lack of sleep are consistent brakes to their libido.

2. Letting Pleasure Be the Measure

Society often pressures people to always desire their partner or maintain spontaneous lust. This desire-centric ideal is misleading. It isn't the desire itself that signals a healthy sexual relationship, but the shared pleasure during moments of connection. If sex feels like a chore or obligation, desire will naturally fade.

Focusing on whether you enjoy the experience reframes the conversation. Pleasure becomes a flexible goal that can adapt to varying contexts—your mood, environment, or life stage. Over time, this perspective allows for fulfilling intimacy without the burden of unattainable expectations.

Rejecting societal myths like the so-called coital imperative (which over-prioritizes certain sex acts) or rigid gender roles enables people to explore freely. Everyone’s path to satisfaction is unique, and normalizing diversity helps rediscover joy in sexuality.

Examples

• Couples struggling with mismatched desires may find common ground by focusing on activities that both find pleasurable.
• Someone who dislikes conventional notions of sex may embrace kissing, massage, or sensual touch as their peak forms of connection.
• A partner who typically initiates sex might prioritize creating a stress-free environment instead.

3. Exploring Your Emotional Floor Plan

An emotional floor plan visualizes your inner world as a collection of unique rooms representing different emotional states. Four rooms—lust, play, seeking, and care—are tied to pleasure, while others, like fear or panic, tend to block sexual intimacy.

Understanding this internal map allows you to navigate your emotions more effectively. For instance, figuring out how “play” might serve as a bridge into “lust” could help you approach a partner more openly. Equally, recognizing triggers that lead to the “fear” room might help avoid potentially harmful situations.

Self-awareness of your emotional layout connects you with your needs and enables fruitful discussions with your partner, guiding both of you toward states of joy and intimacy.

Examples

• A person grieving the loss of a loved one might understandably find themselves far from their “lust” room.
• Playfulness—like joking around in the kitchen—might rekindle intimacy after a busy day.
• Slow touch and warm conversation can help someone move from “fear” back into a space of care.

4. Adapting to Physical and Emotional Changes

Change is inevitable in relationships. Aging, health issues, and trauma can alter intimacy, but viewing these changes through curiosity instead of resistance creates space for new forms of connection. These shifts invite partners to find ways to co-create pleasure based on current realities.

Trauma deserves special attention. Exploring it with compassion instead of judgment is key to creating safety and potential healing. Partners can share feelings without placing blame, treating the issue as an external "project" to navigate together.

This approach, based on mutual care, allows couples to adjust expectations and maintain intimacy even during life’s disruptions. It’s about making intimacy fit the present, rather than clinging to the past.

Examples

• A couple dealing with postmenopausal changes may slow intimacy, emphasizing touch over penetration.
• Trauma survivors may find that open conversations in therapy help rebuild sexual trust.
• Couples experiencing physical disabilities might experiment with new positions or tools to maintain connection.

5. The Magic of Erotic Wisdom

Deep, connected moments of intimacy—sometimes described as “eros”—transcend physical pleasure. These shared states of mindfulness and unity celebrate the human capacity to feel alive and present. The experience is not confined to sex but can arise during other shared activities.

By practicing mindfulness techniques like savoring sensations, you can deepen connections to yourself and others. Activities such as dancing, singing, or even cuddling foster intimacy and synchronicity without depending solely on the physical act of sex.

Erotic wisdom invites exploration and celebrates the vast, varied ways people can feel fully engaged with another person or with life itself.

Examples

• Savoring a sip of wine with heightened attention can awaken your senses.
• Couples practicing tantric breathing may report heightened intimacy even without physical touch.
• Group singing in a choir can offer the same transcendental quality as sex, highlighting connection and joy.

6. Rejecting Societal Myths About Sex

Society’s myths about "normal" sexuality—like constant desire, binary gender roles, or strict definitions of intercourse—often cause shame and confusion. Instead of subscribing to imposed narratives, embracing personal definitions of normalcy paves the way for healthier experiences.

Introducing concepts like blanket permission grants individuals the freedom to explore, modify, or abstain from sexual activity as they see fit, centering mutual consent and the absence of harm as the only guidelines.

Dismantling these myths fosters autonomy and helps build fulfilling sexual relationships based on needs rather than expectations.

Examples

• Blanket permission might mean opting out of intercourse in favor of non-sexual intimacy when one partner feels exhausted.
• A same-sex couple practicing unconventional intimacy methods might find greater satisfaction than following standard scripts.
• Individuals working through trauma can redefine intimacy as something slow, careful, and on their terms.

7. Communicating Through Vulnerability

Real intimacy requires open and honest communication. Feelings of disconnection or frustration can only be addressed by sharing them. Vulnerability, however, requires a setting of trust and empathy.

Tools like the "third thing conversation," where couples externalize problems (instead of identifying as them), encourage healing. Partners can explore feelings without judgment and focus on solutions, exchanging admiration before concluding discussions.

When both partners prioritize listening and empathy, even uncomfortable topics can strengthen understanding and emotional depth.

Examples

• Couples might set regular check-ins to discuss needs without criticism.
• One partner might say, “I feel disconnected; can we find time to reconnect?”
• Expressing confidence in the relationship after a tough discussion strengthens bonds.

8. Focusing on Joyful Activities Together

Shared activities, be it laughter, dancing, or sports, often pull couples closer emotionally and sexually. These interactions create bridges between emotional rooms, leading naturally to arousal or deeper intimacy.

By focusing on shared joy, couples can reconnect and re-establish a foundation for meaningful physical closeness. It’s about blending fun and vulnerability into a relaxed atmosphere of connection.

Examples

• Watching a comedy together might rekindle the “play” room, encouraging physical intimacy.
• A cooking class could become a shared adventure sparking joy and comfort.
• Playing a cooperative game connects couples as teammates tackling challenges together.

9. Real Couples, Real Lessons

The stories of Mike and Kendra and Ama and Di illustrate the book’s main messages. Mike and Kendra learned to focus on pleasure over desire, while Ama and Di discovered that joyful experiences like playing around helped reignite intimacy.

Both couples demonstrate that communication, curiosity, and slowing down are often more effective than forcing solutions. These examples show how real people apply these concepts to rebuild connection and passion.

Examples

• Di’s slow exploration of Ama’s body allowed arousal to naturally rise and fall.
• Kendra and Mike’s shared focus on pleasure made sex enjoyable again without pressuring desire.
• Both couples avoided blaming each other, focusing instead on mutual partnership.

Takeaways

1. Map out your emotional floor plan to identify what brings you closer to intimacy and what pulls you away.
2. Foster open, judgment-free communication with your partner by sharing feelings and exploring solutions together.
3. Focus on creating pleasurable contexts, rather than expecting spontaneous desire, to rebuild intimacy in your relationship.