Introduction
In a world where dating advice often focuses on superficial changes and game-playing, Ken Page's "Deeper Dating" offers a refreshing perspective on finding love. This book challenges conventional wisdom and presents a more authentic approach to building meaningful relationships. Page argues that the key to finding fulfilling love lies not in changing ourselves or manipulating others, but in understanding and embracing our true selves.
Discovering Your Core Gifts
At the heart of Page's approach is the concept of Core Gifts. These are the parts of ourselves that are highly sensitive and deeply connected to our emotions. When our Core Gifts are recognized and valued, we experience joy and fulfillment. When they're ignored or dismissed, we feel pain and shame.
To identify your Core Gifts, Page suggests reflecting on moments of both joy and pain in your relationships. For example, if you've felt particularly fulfilled when a partner encouraged your ambition, this might indicate that ambition is one of your Core Gifts. Similarly, if you've felt shame about being quiet, this might point to a Core Gift of deep humility that hasn't been properly appreciated.
Understanding your Core Gifts is crucial because they guide you towards people who will truly value what you have to offer. It's like starting at the center of a maze and working your way out – once you know your core, finding the right path becomes much easier.
Attractions of Inspiration vs. Attractions of Deprivation
Page introduces two types of attraction: attractions of inspiration and attractions of deprivation. Recognizing the difference between these is key to finding a fulfilling relationship.
Attractions of deprivation occur when we don't fully value our Core Gifts. We're drawn to people who diminish or take advantage of these gifts, leading to relationships where we feel criticized, inadequate, or constantly seeking affection from emotionally unavailable partners.
On the other hand, attractions of inspiration happen when we cherish our Core Gifts and seek out people who will do the same. These relationships are characterized by comfort, acceptance, and mutual love.
To identify attractions of inspiration, look for signs like:
- A warm and natural connection
- Genuine interest and engagement from the other person
- A sense of integrity in their actions and words
It's important to note that attractions of inspiration may not always start with explosive chemistry. Often, they begin with a sense of "like at first sight" that can grow into love and excitement over time.
Page suggests that only about 10% of our prospects will be attractions of inspiration. This statistic helps us avoid wasting time on connections that lack potential for meaningful relationships.
The Skills of Deeper Dating
To find real love, Page argues that we need to move away from common dating tactics and instead practice what he calls "deeper dating skills." These skills focus on authenticity and genuine connection rather than playing games or putting up a front.
Show Interest: Contrary to popular advice about playing it cool, research shows that expressing interest is the best way to build a connection. If you want to hold hands or compliment your date, do it. While it might feel vulnerable at first, it's a crucial step in forming genuine connections.
Share Your Passions: Talk about your dreams, what matters most to you, and what brings you joy. Encourage your date to do the same. This helps you determine if you've found a good match – an attraction of inspiration will welcome this kind of sharing.
Focus on Connection Quality: Instead of judging based on external factors like looks or clothes, pay attention to how you feel around the person. Do you feel comfortable and at ease? This is a sign of a potentially meaningful connection.
Finding Love in the Right Places
Page offers practical advice on where to look for potential partners:
Leverage Your Social Network: Ask friends and family if they know anyone who might be a good match for you. Attend events hosted by trusted friends and ask for introductions.
Join Groups Aligned with Your Values: Participate in hobby groups, religious communities, or charitable organizations that align with your interests. This increases your chances of meeting like-minded individuals.
Be Present in Your Daily Life: Practice being present and open in your everyday activities. Make eye contact, smile at people, and be warm and approachable. Love can find you anywhere if you're open to it.
Managing Fear and the Wave of Distancing
Even when we find someone who could be a great match, fear can sometimes sabotage our chances. Page introduces the concept of the "Wave of Distancing" – a phenomenon where we suddenly lose affection for someone we were initially attracted to.
This wave is often a manifestation of our fear of intimacy. Instead of running away when it hits, Page suggests:
- Remembering that your affection hasn't disappeared, it's just buried by fear
- Engaging in enjoyable activities with your partner
- Resolving any conflicts in the relationship
- Taking some time alone or talking to a trusted friend or therapist
It's also important to identify our individual "flight patterns" – the ways we push love and intimacy away. These might include refusing to let our guard down, claiming we're too busy for a relationship, or dating people we know aren't right for us. Recognizing and addressing these patterns is crucial for building lasting relationships.
Cultivating Love from Mild Attractions
Page challenges the common belief that we should only pursue intense attractions. He argues that the greatest potential for lasting love often lies in the middle of the attraction scale – with people we find mildly attractive but not overwhelmingly so.
This approach allows us to focus on character and compatibility rather than being blinded by intense chemistry. Page assures readers that a healthy attraction can be nurtured into a passionate one over time.
To increase attraction and love, Page suggests:
- Openly giving and receiving affection
- Sharing your Core Gifts
- Welcoming intimacy and vulnerability
- Showing kindness and appreciation
- Focusing on the qualities of your partner that do turn you on
The Power of Authenticity
Throughout "Deeper Dating," Page emphasizes the importance of authenticity in finding and building meaningful relationships. By understanding and valuing our Core Gifts, we attract partners who appreciate us for who we truly are.
This authenticity extends to how we present ourselves on dates. Instead of trying to be a perfect version of ourselves or playing games, Page encourages readers to be genuine. Share your passions, express your interest, and focus on building a real connection.
The Role of Self-Love
A crucial aspect of Page's approach is the importance of self-love and self-acceptance. By valuing our own Core Gifts, we set the standard for how others should treat us. This self-love also helps us recognize and appreciate the gifts in others, leading to more fulfilling relationships.
Building Lasting Relationships
Page's approach doesn't just focus on finding a partner – it also provides guidance on building lasting relationships. He emphasizes the importance of continued growth and nurturing of the relationship.
This involves:
- Continuing to share and appreciate each other's Core Gifts
- Maintaining open communication
- Working through conflicts constructively
- Continuously cultivating intimacy and passion
The Importance of Patience
Throughout the book, Page reminds readers that finding and building meaningful love takes time. He encourages patience, both in the search for a partner and in the development of a relationship.
This patience allows for the growth of attractions of inspiration and the deepening of connections. It also gives us time to work through our fears and insecurities, leading to healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
Applying Deeper Dating to Online Dating
While much of Page's advice focuses on in-person interactions, he also addresses how to apply these principles to online dating. He suggests creating a profile that authentically represents your true self, including your passions and what you're looking for in a relationship.
When browsing profiles, look for potential attractions of inspiration rather than focusing solely on appearance. Take the time to get to know matches who seem promising, rather than constantly returning to the app to continue searching.
The Broader Impact of Deeper Dating
Page's approach to dating isn't just about finding a romantic partner – it's about living a more authentic and fulfilling life overall. By understanding and valuing our Core Gifts, we improve all our relationships, including those with friends and family.
Moreover, this approach to dating can lead to personal growth and self-discovery. As we learn to recognize and appreciate our own gifts, we become more confident and self-assured in all areas of life.
Overcoming Obstacles
Page acknowledges that the path to meaningful love isn't always smooth. He addresses common obstacles such as:
- Past hurts and traumas
- Low self-esteem
- Fear of intimacy
- Unhealthy relationship patterns
For each of these, he offers practical strategies for healing and growth. This might involve seeking therapy, practicing self-compassion, or gradually pushing ourselves out of our comfort zones.
The Role of Physical Attraction
While Page emphasizes the importance of emotional connection, he doesn't ignore the role of physical attraction. He suggests that by focusing on the qualities we do find attractive in a partner, we can cultivate and increase our physical desire.
This approach allows us to build passionate relationships based on both emotional and physical attraction, rather than being led solely by intense but potentially unhealthy physical chemistry.
The Importance of Community
Page highlights the role of community in finding and maintaining love. This includes:
- Seeking support from friends and family in your search for love
- Building a network of like-minded individuals who share your values
- Participating in groups and activities that align with your interests
This community not only provides potential romantic connections but also offers support, encouragement, and opportunities for personal growth.
Embracing Vulnerability
A key theme throughout "Deeper Dating" is the importance of vulnerability. Page argues that true connection can only happen when we allow ourselves to be seen, flaws and all.
This vulnerability extends to:
- Sharing our Core Gifts
- Expressing our genuine feelings and desires
- Being open about our fears and insecurities
- Allowing ourselves to be deeply known by another person
While this level of openness can feel scary, Page assures readers that it's the path to the most fulfilling and meaningful relationships.
Final Thoughts
"Deeper Dating" offers a compassionate and insightful approach to finding love. By focusing on self-understanding, authenticity, and genuine connection, Page provides a roadmap for building meaningful and lasting relationships.
The book's core message is that the key to finding love lies not in changing ourselves or manipulating others, but in understanding and embracing our true selves. By identifying and valuing our Core Gifts, we attract partners who appreciate us for who we truly are.
Page's approach challenges many common dating practices, encouraging readers to move away from game-playing and superficial attractions. Instead, he advocates for a deeper, more authentic way of connecting with potential partners.
The skills and strategies presented in "Deeper Dating" extend beyond just finding a romantic partner. They offer a path to personal growth, improved self-esteem, and more fulfilling relationships in all areas of life.
Ultimately, "Deeper Dating" is about more than just dating – it's about living a more authentic, connected, and fulfilling life. By embracing our true selves and valuing genuine connections, we open ourselves up to the possibility of deep and lasting love.