Deeper Dating

“By valuing your deepest sensitivities, your Core Gifts, you can unlock the path to love that fills you with meaning and connection.”

1. Discover Your Core Gifts

Navigating the maze of love begins when you reconnect with your inner truths, or what the book calls Core Gifts. These are the parts of you that are highly sensitive, the aspects that make you feel deeply – both joy and pain. They are unique to you and reveal what truly resonates with your soul. For example, a sensitive reaction to injustice might indicate a Core Gift of empathy and fairness.

To identify your Core Gifts, reflect on the moments in your life that have brought you profound fulfillment or deep pain. Were there times when you felt truly alive because someone valued an aspect of you? Similarly, moments of feeling dismissed or hurt often point to these gifts, when they’ve been overlooked or misunderstood. Recognizing these characteristics allows you to embrace your most authentic self.

Your Core Gifts act as a compass as you search for love. They guide you toward people who honor what matters most to you. Without this understanding, you risk connecting with people who don’t value what you deeply cherish.

Examples

• Feeling seen and supported by a friend during a tough time may point to your need for emotional safety as a Core Gift.
• A childhood experience of being shamed for your creativity might reveal an unappreciated artistic side.
• An exhilarating sense of fulfillment during a significant career or volunteering achievement could highlight ambition or purpose as a Core Gift.

2. Differentiate Between Two Types of Attraction

We’re drawn to people for two main reasons: they either inspire us or feed into our insecurities. These are called attractions of inspiration and attractions of deprivation, respectively. While both can create strong bonds, only one can lead to a healthy relationship.

Attractions of deprivation arise when we undervalue our Core Gifts. We might end up gravitating toward partners who criticize or neglect our gifts, reinforcing insecurities. By contrast, attractions of inspiration occur when we appreciate ourselves and connect with people who value and uplift us. These connections nurture mutual love and respect.

Pay attention to how you feel early on. With attractions of inspiration, you’re likely to feel a natural ease, shared values, and mutual respect. Deprivation-based attractions often come with emotional highs and lows, paired with doubts or imbalances in the connection.

Examples

• Feeling alive and encouraged with a partner who shares your passion for helping others.
• Constantly seeking affection from someone unavailable, leaving you feeling unworthy.
• Connecting with a date who listens deeply and respects your dreams, sparking a sense of safety.

3. Drop Popular Dating Tactics

Mainstream dating advice often promotes strategies like “playing hard to get” or “hiding imperfections.” These tactics encourage pretense and prevent authentic connections. Instead, deeper dating involves embracing your real self and bravely expressing your interests and emotions.

Showing interest, for instance, is more effective than playing it cool. A simple “I enjoyed our conversation” can foster trust. Similarly, sharing your dreams and passions lets your personality shine. It helps the right person recognize and value what makes you unique.

Deeper dating also means focusing on connection quality rather than superficial traits. Are your interactions easy and comfortable? Do you feel uplifted by their presence? These are signs that your time together has real potential.

Examples

• Holding hands during a date instead of hesitating out of fear of seeming too eager.
• Discussing long-term goals and noticing a mutual passion for travel or art.
• Feeling relaxed and happy while chatting about each other’s favorite hobbies.

4. Find Love in the Right Places

Many people search for love in apps, bars, or casual meetups, but these spaces don’t always nurture meaningful connections. To find someone who aligns with your Core Gifts, explore closer-knit or shared-value settings.

Your friends and family can be excellent matchmakers, as they already cherish your authentic self and may know others who would do the same. Expanding your social circles based on shared interests is another path. Groups or organizations that reflect your passions—like hobby classes, faith communities, or charities—boost your odds of meeting someone aligned with your values.

Even everyday interactions offer opportunities. Being present, making eye contact, and smiling genuinely can invite spontaneous yet memorable connections.

Examples

• Asking a trusted friend if they know someone compatible for you.
• Joining a local gardening club and bonding over a shared appreciation for the environment.
• Striking up a friendly conversation with someone while waiting in line at a coffee shop.

5. Manage the Fear of Intimacy

Love can scare us. When we sense someone is kind, available, and emotionally healthy, it can trigger our fear of vulnerability. This often manifests as losing interest or finding flaws in a partner, a phenomenon the author calls the “Wave of Distancing.”

Understanding that this fear is normal helps you navigate through it. Instead of immediately pulling back, give the relationship time. Reconnect with your affection for the person by doing enjoyable activities together or resolving any misunderstandings.

Also, recognize ways you might unconsciously avoid intimacy. These patterns, like claiming you’re too busy or pursuing unavailable people, subtly block deeper relationships.

Examples

• Feeling suddenly distant in a promising relationship and reminding yourself that fear might be behind it.
• Enjoying a date night with your partner to rekindle affection during a challenging phase.
• Identifying a past pattern of avoiding dates with emotionally available people—and choosing to challenge it.

6. Build Passion Over Time

Contrary to the belief that “love at first sight” is essential, the book suggests that intense initial attraction may not always lead to fulfilling love. Those sparks often represent emotional triggers rather than compatibility.

Healthier connections often begin as mild attraction, which has the potential to grow into deep love and passion over time. This approach mirrors successful arranged marriages where affection and respect develop organically.

To nurture this growth, foster intimacy by sharing your vulnerabilities and appreciating each other’s strengths. Sexual desire can also deepen by focusing on qualities about your partner that naturally spark attraction for you.

Examples

• Gradually feeling more attracted to someone after appreciating their kindness and sense of humor.
• Developing love for a steady, sincere partner, despite initial feelings being lukewarm.
• Focusing on a partner’s unique laugh or warm eyes to build stronger physical attraction.

7. Pay Attention to Warm Connections

When you meet someone new, warmth and genuine interest are strong indicators of attraction worth pursuing. Look for people whose personalities make you feel welcome, safe, and appreciated.

This kind of connection doesn’t always come with “fireworks.” Instead, it feels natural and intuitive—a relationship that builds gently rather than burning out quickly.

Recognizing these signs helps avoid wasting time on people who lack compatibility or alignment with your Core Gifts.

Examples

• Feeling at ease when someone attentively listens to your story on a first date.
• Experiencing a flow of pleasant conversation where both people open up effortlessly.
• Spotting someone warmly greet you at a hobby workshop, signaling potential connection.

8. Trust in Like Over “Lust at First Sight”

Fast and fiery chemistry might seem ideal, but it’s not always a good foundation for a strong relationship. In fact, intense passion early on could mask underlying incompatibilities.

Instead, the power of “like at first sight”—feeling at ease, connected, and curious—creates space for deeper bonds to form. Giving middle-range attraction time to evolve increases the chance of long-lasting affection.

Shared interests, trust, and mutual support strengthen relationships that develop gradually, proving that love thrives from more than just physical attraction.

Examples

• Choosing to date someone who feels “nice” rather than overwhelmingly exciting and finding connection blossom.
• Discovering growing excitement about a partner’s kindness after several thoughtful dates.
• Pursuing a small but sincere attraction and developing deep love over shared experiences.

9. Cultivate Love Rather Than Waiting to “Fall”

Instead of waiting passively for perfect love, the book encourages actively growing healthy attachments. Practical efforts — like building trust, showing appreciation, and embracing vulnerability — deepen connections over time.

By nurturing warm partnerships, you shift the narrative of “falling” into a more intentional and enduring creation of love.

This proactive approach takes the pressure off initial attraction and focuses on building genuine emotional intimacy.

Examples

• Investing time into a budding relationship by sharing your Core Gifts openly.
• Prioritizing kindness and emotional availability over perfect physical attraction.
• Journaling shared memories to appreciate the developing bond between you and a partner.

Takeaways

1. Reflect on moments of deep joy or pain to identify your Core Gifts and seek partners who value them.
2. Approach dating authentically by showing interest and sharing your values, rather than hiding behind tactics.
3. Focus on increasing emotional intimacy in relationships by fostering kindness, sharing vulnerably, and appreciating each other’s qualities over time.