Introduction
In today's rapidly evolving world, our understanding of relationships is undergoing a profound transformation. The traditional model of monogamy is no longer the only option for those seeking love, intimacy, and connection. "Designer Relationships" by Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson explores this new frontier of human relationships, offering insights into the myriad ways people can craft partnerships that truly reflect their desires, values, and needs.
The term "designer relationships" was coined by Kenneth Haslam, founder of the Kinsey Institute's Polyamory Archive. It encompasses a wide spectrum of relationship structures, all united by their emphasis on conscious choice and mutual agreement. This book serves as a guide for those curious about or already exploring alternatives to conventional monogamy, providing a framework for understanding and navigating the complex world of modern relationships.
The Spectrum of Designer Relationships
One of the key ideas presented in the book is the vast array of relationship structures that fall under the umbrella of "designer relationships." These structures are not rigid categories but rather points on a spectrum that can overlap and evolve over time. Let's explore some of these relationship types:
Single by Choice
Some individuals actively choose to remain unpartnered, focusing on personal growth, career advancement, or other priorities. This lifestyle emphasizes self-sufficiency and independence, allowing for a deep exploration of one's own needs and desires without the compromises often required in partnerships.
Single and Polyamorous
This structure involves maintaining multiple romantic or sexual connections without a primary partner. It allows for diverse experiences and connections without the traditional framework of a central relationship. People who choose this path often value freedom and variety in their intimate lives.
Nonsexual Relationships
These partnerships don't involve sexual activity but are based on strong emotional or intellectual connections. They can be deeply fulfilling and may include activities like co-parenting or shared living arrangements. This type of relationship challenges the notion that sexual intimacy is a necessary component of a close partnership.
Monogamous by Choice
In this case, partners consciously choose exclusivity after exploring other options or considering alternatives. This deliberate decision often leads to a stronger commitment and clearer boundaries, as both individuals have actively chosen monogamy rather than defaulting to it.
Semiconsensual Nonmonogamy
This arrangement involves one partner engaging in outside relationships with the other's reluctant agreement. While challenging, it requires careful navigation, open communication, and ongoing consent. It's important to note that this structure can be fraught with emotional difficulties and requires a high level of trust and communication.
Open Relationships
In open relationships, both individuals agree to engage in sexual (and sometimes romantic) connections outside the primary relationship. Rules and boundaries are typically established to maintain the primary bond. This structure allows for sexual exploration while maintaining a core partnership.
Monogamish
Coined by writer Dan Savage, this term describes primarily monogamous couples who occasionally allow sexual encounters with others, often under specific circumstances. This might include threesomes or "hall passes" during travel. It offers a middle ground between strict monogamy and more open arrangements.
Friends with Benefits
This arrangement involves a friendship that includes a sexual component without the expectations of a romantic relationship. It allows for sexual exploration within a trusted friendship, offering intimacy without the commitments of a full partnership.
Swinging
Swinging involves couples engaging in recreational sexual activities with other couples or individuals, often at organized events or parties. This practice typically focuses on sexual variety rather than emotional connections, allowing partners to explore their sexuality together.
Polyamory
Polyamory is the practice of maintaining multiple romantic relationships simultaneously, with the full knowledge and consent of all involved. This can take various forms, such as a triad where three individuals are all romantically involved with each other, or a V-shaped relationship where one person has two partners who aren't involved with each other.
Swolly
A blend of swinging and polyamory, this approach combines the sexual variety of swinging with the emotional depth of polyamory. Couples engage in both recreational sex and form emotional connections with others, offering a broad spectrum of intimate experiences.
Polyfidelity
This structure involves a closed polyamorous relationship where all members are considered equal and agree not to seek additional partners. It offers multiple connections within a defined group, providing both variety and stability.
Kink
While not a relationship structure itself, kink involves consensual non-conventional sexual practices, often involving power dynamics, role-play, or specific fetishes. It can be an important aspect of many designer relationships, allowing for exploration of desires and fantasies within a safe and consensual framework.
Building Successful Designer Relationships
The authors emphasize that successful designer relationships are built on a foundation of open and honest communication. This ensures that all involved parties freely consent to the relationship structure and are aware of each other's needs and boundaries. Flexibility is crucial, as relationships can evolve over time, necessitating a willingness to reassess and adjust agreements.
Self-awareness plays a vital role in designer relationships. Understanding one's own needs, desires, and limitations is essential for creating fulfilling partnerships. This self-knowledge allows individuals to communicate their wants and boundaries clearly, leading to more satisfying and sustainable relationships.
Respect for the feelings, boundaries, and autonomy of all involved is paramount in designer relationships. This respect extends not only to primary partners but also to any additional partners or connections. Cultivating emotional intelligence is crucial to navigate the complex emotions that can arise in non-traditional relationship structures.
Addressing Misconceptions about Consensual Nonmonogamy
The book tackles several common misconceptions about consensual nonmonogamy, helping to dispel myths that might prevent people from exploring these relationship structures. Here are some of the key misconceptions addressed:
Myth: Consensual nonmonogamy threatens the institution of marriage
The authors point out that while marriage rates in America have been declining for decades, this trend predates the increased visibility of consensual nonmonogamy. In fact, many happily married couples enjoy open relationships, finding that the honesty and communication required actually strengthen their bond.
Myth: Consensually nonmonogamous people have a higher risk of contracting STDs
While increasing the number of sexual partners does carry a higher risk of exposure to STDs, studies have shown that people in consensually nonmonogamous relationships are often far more vigilant about safe sex practices and transparency. The open communication and emphasis on sexual health in these relationships often leads to more frequent testing and safer practices.
Myth: People in nonmonogamous relationships are incapable of true intimacy
This misconception ignores the fact that emotional depth is not the sole preserve of monogamous relationships. Many people in consensually nonmonogamous relationships maintain deep, mature, and loving emotional bonds with their partners. The ability to navigate complex emotions and prioritize open communication often leads to heightened intimacy in these relationships.
Myth: Cheating and consensual nonmonogamy are the same thing
The authors emphasize that consensual nonmonogamy bears no resemblance to cheating. While cheating involves dishonesty, betrayal, and loss of trust, consensual nonmonogamy is built on open communication, honesty, and mutual agreement.
Myth: Designer relationships are male-dominated
This myth often stems from confusion between polygamy and polyamory. While some forms of polygamy have historically been associated with patriarchal societies, most modern polyamorous or open relationships emphasize equality, personal autonomy, and mutual respect regardless of gender.
Myth: Monogamy is better for children
The belief that children raised in monogamous households fare better isn't supported by evidence. The key factors in child well-being are stability, love, and support, which aren't exclusive to any particular relationship structure.
Cultivating Skills for Designer Relationships
The book emphasizes the importance of developing specific skills to navigate the complexities of consensual nonmonogamy and build fulfilling, open, and communicative relationships. Here are nine core skills discussed in the context of ethical and consensual nonmonogamous relationships:
1. Knowing Yourself Sexually and Relationally
Self-awareness is crucial in nonmonogamous relationships. Understanding your desires, boundaries, and emotional needs helps you communicate more effectively with partners and make informed decisions about your relationships. This self-knowledge allows you to enter into connections that truly align with your values and aspirations.
2. Turning Towards Bids for Connection
Based on the research of John Gottman, this skill involves responding positively to a partner's attempts to connect, even in small ways. In nonmonogamous relationships, where time and attention may be divided among multiple partners, being attuned to these bids for connection becomes even more critical. It helps maintain strong bonds and makes each partner feel valued and heard.
3. Co-creating Your Relationships
Designer relationships are built on the principle that partnerships should be tailored to the individuals involved. This requires active participation from all parties in defining the relationship's structure, boundaries, and expectations. By co-creating your relationships, you ensure that everyone's needs are considered and that the arrangement truly works for all involved.
4. Taking Pleasure in Serving Your Partner
In nonmonogamous relationships, generosity and a genuine desire to see your partners happy can create a positive feedback loop of mutual care and support. This attitude can mitigate feelings of jealousy or competition and foster a sense of abundance in love and affection.
5. Connecting Through Nonverbal Communication
Nonverbal cues play a significant role in building intimacy. In nonmonogamous relationships, where verbal communication is already so crucial, being attuned to nonverbal signals can deepen connections and help partners feel more in sync, even when navigating complex emotional terrain.
6. Doing Intimacy Exercises
Practices like eye-gazing can foster deep connections and help partners stay present with each other. These exercises can be particularly valuable in nonmonogamous relationships, where they can reaffirm bonds and create moments of focused intimacy amid potentially busy relationship dynamics.
7. Building Trust and Avoiding Relationship Games
Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship, but it's particularly crucial in nonmonogamous arrangements. Being consistently honest, reliable, and transparent helps build and maintain trust. Avoiding manipulative behaviors or "games" is essential for creating a safe emotional environment for all involved.
8. Having Frank Conversations About Sexual Preferences
Open and honest discussions about sexual desires, boundaries, and safety practices are non-negotiable in consensual nonmonogamy. These conversations help ensure that all partners are on the same page, feel respected, and can engage in sexual activities with fully informed consent.
9. Applying Compersion
Compersion, often described as the opposite of jealousy, is the feeling of joy you experience when seeing your partner happy in a relationship with someone else. Cultivating compersion can be a powerful tool in nonmonogamous relationships, helping to create a positive and supportive atmosphere where all connections are celebrated rather than seen as threats.
Opening a Partnership Thoughtfully
For couples interested in exploring consensual nonmonogamy together, the book offers strategies to help navigate this journey while preserving their unique emotional bond:
Explore New Sexual Territories Together
Before involving others, couples are encouraged to explore new sexual territories with each other. This might include role-playing, trying new positions, or experimenting with power dynamics. These experiences can strengthen trust and communication, creating a solid foundation for future explorations.
Share Fantasies
Open, honest discussions about sexual desires and fantasies can deepen intimacy and understanding. By creating a safe space to voice these thoughts, couples can discover shared interests and address potential concerns before taking the next step.
Explore Sexuality in Social Contexts
Engaging in activities like couples' massage classes, sexual workshops, or social nudism can help normalize discussions about sex and increase comfort with the concept of shared sexuality.
Start with Shared Experiences
When ready to open the relationship, starting with shared experiences like visiting a swingers club or engaging in a threesome can help couples ease into nonmonogamy together. This approach allows partners to support each other through new experiences and gauge their comfort levels in real-time.
Establish Clear Boundaries
Couples should discuss and agree on specifics like whether kissing is allowed, rules around protection and safer sex practices, limitations on certain acts or locations, and how to handle unexpected situations. These agreements provide a sense of security and respect for the primary relationship.
Address Jealousy
Jealousy is a natural emotion that may arise, and couples should create a safe space to discuss these feelings without judgment or shame. Recognizing jealousy as an opportunity for growth, rather than a sign of failure, can lead to deeper understanding and stronger bonds.
Conclusion
"Designer Relationships" offers a comprehensive exploration of the diverse ways people can structure their intimate connections in the modern world. By challenging traditional notions of monogamy and encouraging conscious, intentional relationship-building, the authors provide a roadmap for those seeking more authentic and fulfilling partnerships.
The book emphasizes that there's no one-size-fits-all approach to relationships. Instead, it encourages readers to explore what works best for them, whether that's traditional monogamy, some form of consensual nonmonogamy, or something in between. The key lies in open communication, mutual respect, and a willingness to evolve and grow together.
By dispelling common myths about nontraditional relationships and providing practical skills for navigating complex emotional terrain, Michaels and Johnson empower readers to create partnerships that truly reflect their values, desires, and needs. They remind us that love and commitment can take many forms, and that the most important factors in any relationship are consent, communication, and the well-being of everyone involved.
As society continues to evolve, so too will our understanding of relationships. "Designer Relationships" serves as both a guide and a catalyst for this evolution, encouraging readers to think critically about their assumptions and to boldly explore new possibilities in love and intimacy. Whether you're curious about alternatives to monogamy or simply want to improve your current relationship, this book offers valuable insights and tools for creating more authentic, fulfilling connections in an ever-changing world.