Name: Games People Play
Rating: 3.7 (38951 reviews)
Author: Eric Berne

Why do we play games with each other? Because they let us avoid intimacy while keeping up the illusion of connection.

1. The Three Ego States: Parent, Adult, and Child

Human behavior often follows patterns, and Eric Berne explains these through the concept of three ego states: Parent, Adult, and Child. These states represent systems of feelings, thoughts, and behaviors that shape how we interact with others. The Parent state is rooted in the behaviors we unconsciously mimic from our caregivers, such as scolding or nurturing. The Adult state is rational and logical, helping us make decisions based on the present moment. Lastly, the Child state is our natural, emotional, and creative self, often buried under the other two states as we grow older.

For example, a person might yell at their child for misbehaving, unconsciously imitating how their own parent disciplined them. This is the Parent state in action. On the other hand, when someone calmly analyzes a problem at work, they are operating from the Adult state. Meanwhile, the Child state might emerge during moments of playfulness, like laughing uncontrollably at a joke or expressing joy during a creative activity.

Understanding these states is key to recognizing how we communicate. Each interaction stems from one of these states, and conflicts often arise when mismatched states clash, such as a Parent scolding a Child or two Child states competing for attention.

Examples

A mother scolds her child for spilling milk, echoing how her own mother reacted to similar situations.
A person calmly negotiates a business deal, relying on their Adult state to stay logical and focused.
A couple shares a spontaneous laugh over a silly memory, connecting through their Child states.

2. Games Are Hidden Interactions Between Ego States

Games are psychological interactions where people unconsciously act from different ego states, often masking their true intentions. These games occur when someone appears to act from one state but is actually operating from another. For instance, a man might flirt with a woman under the guise of discussing music, but both are really engaging their Child states to enjoy the thrill of flirting.

Games often involve hidden motives. A person might ask for advice but reject every suggestion, not because they want help, but because they enjoy the dynamic of being the "helpless" Child while others act as the "helpful" Parent. These interactions can be subtle, but they shape many of our daily exchanges.

Recognizing games requires paying attention to the underlying dynamics of conversations. By identifying the ego states at play, we can uncover the real motives behind seemingly innocent interactions and avoid getting trapped in repetitive patterns.

Examples

A man invites a woman to see his record collection, masking his true intention of pursuing intimacy.
A friend repeatedly asks for advice but dismisses every suggestion, enjoying the role of the helpless Child.
A boss scolds an employee for being late, acting as a Parent while the employee responds as a guilty Child.

3. Some Games Last a Lifetime

While some games are fleeting, others can persist for years or even a lifetime. These long-term games often revolve around deeply ingrained patterns of behavior and unresolved emotions. For example, the game of "Alcoholic" involves an alcoholic who appears to seek help but is actually provoking others to scold them, fueling their self-pity and justifying further drinking.

Another example is "Now I’ve Got You, You Son of a Bitch," where a person with pent-up anger seeks opportunities to unleash their rage. They might overreact to minor mistakes, such as being overcharged by a plumber, using the situation as an excuse to vent their frustration.

These games can trap people in cycles of negative behavior, preventing them from addressing the root causes of their issues. Breaking free requires recognizing the patterns and choosing healthier ways to interact.

Examples

An alcoholic provokes family members to scold them, reinforcing their feelings of self-pity.
A man explodes with anger over a small billing error, using the situation to justify his rage.
A person repeatedly sabotages their own success, playing out a narrative of victimhood.

4. Marriage and Games: When the Honeymoon Ends

Marriages often become fertile ground for games, especially as partners struggle to balance their needs and expectations. One common game is "Courtroom," where a couple seeks therapy but uses the sessions to blame each other. Instead of working as Adults to solve their issues, one partner acts as a complaining Child while the therapist takes on the role of a judging Parent.

Another game, "Frigid Wife," involves a wife who teases her husband sexually but rejects his advances, reinforcing her belief that men are obsessed with sex. The husband, in turn, may secretly prefer the lack of intimacy, creating a cycle where both partners avoid addressing their true feelings.

These games highlight how couples can fall into patterns that prevent genuine connection. Recognizing and addressing these dynamics is essential for building healthier relationships.

Examples

A couple uses therapy sessions to air grievances rather than solve problems.
A wife teases her husband but rejects his advances, reinforcing stereotypes about men.
A husband avoids intimacy by choosing a partner who plays "Frigid Wife."

Social events often bring out games that revolve around control and validation. One example is "Schlemiel," where a guest repeatedly causes minor disasters, like spilling wine, forcing the host to forgive them. This dynamic allows the guest to act irresponsibly while the host plays the role of the forgiving Parent.

Another game, "Why Don’t You - Yes But," involves someone sharing a problem and dismissing every solution offered by others. This allows the person to maintain their role as a helpless Child while others act as problem-solving Parents.

These games can make social interactions feel frustrating and unproductive. Recognizing them can help us avoid falling into these patterns and foster more authentic connections.

Examples

A guest spills wine at a party, forcing the host to clean up and forgive them.
A friend dismisses every suggestion for solving their problem, enjoying the dynamic of helplessness.
A coworker repeatedly makes mistakes, relying on others to fix them.

6. Sexual Relationships and Psychological Games

Sexual relationships often involve games that mask deeper emotional issues. In "Rapo," one partner initiates a sexual encounter but later accuses the other of taking things too far. This game allows the accuser to avoid guilt while reinforcing negative beliefs about sex.

Another game, "Uproar," involves creating arguments to diffuse unwanted sexual tension. For example, a father and daughter might argue to avoid acknowledging uncomfortable feelings, using the fight as a way to create distance.

These games reveal how unresolved emotions can complicate sexual relationships. Addressing these dynamics requires open communication and a willingness to confront uncomfortable truths.

Examples

A woman accuses her partner of assault after initiating a sexual encounter, avoiding guilt.
A couple starts a fight to avoid addressing underlying sexual tension.
A husband and wife use arguments to avoid intimacy, reinforcing their emotional distance.

7. Rule-Breakers and the Games They Play

People who break rules often engage in games that reflect their inner conflicts. In "Cops and Robbers," criminals act as if they want to succeed but secretly want to get caught, confirming their belief that they are failures. Similarly, prisoners might play "Want Out," pretending to plan an escape while secretly wanting to stay in the safety of prison.

These games highlight how people use risky behavior to reinforce their self-image. Understanding these dynamics can help us address the underlying issues driving such actions.

Examples

A thief leaves clues behind, ensuring they get caught.
A prisoner attempts an escape, knowing they will fail and extend their sentence.
A con artist sabotages their own schemes, reinforcing their belief in their incompetence.

8. Therapy and the Games People Play

Even therapy can become a stage for games. In "Indigence," a client and therapist work together to maintain the status quo, avoiding real change. The client remains stuck in their problems, while the therapist enjoys the role of a caring Parent.

Another game, "I’m Only Trying to Help You," involves a therapist offering solutions they know won’t work, allowing them to blame the client for their failure. These games reveal how even well-meaning interactions can become unproductive.

Examples

A client and therapist discuss unemployment without taking steps to find a job.
A therapist offers ineffective advice, reinforcing their belief in the client’s incompetence.
A patient repeatedly brings the same problem to therapy, avoiding real change.

9. A Life Without Games: The Path to True Connection

Games allow people to avoid intimacy, but they also prevent genuine connection. By dropping our masks and embracing vulnerability, we can build deeper relationships. This requires recognizing the games we play and choosing to interact authentically.

Breaking free from games is challenging but rewarding. It allows us to connect with others on a deeper level and create more meaningful relationships.

Examples