Getting The Love You Want Summary

Love is not just about finding the perfect partner; it's about becoming the right partner.

1. Childhood Shapes Your Choice in Love

Our choices in romantic partners are deeply influenced by our childhood needs and experiences. Sigmund Freud's psychoanalysis suggests that as adults, we unconsciously seek partners who remind us of our caregivers. This is because we grow up creating an image, or Imago, of an ideal caregiver who fulfills our needs.

In the early stages of a relationship, this influence is often felt as blissful connection. We may call each other nicknames like "baby" or "kitten," subtly replicating the nurturing environment we once experienced. We admire each other's quirks, much like a child looks up to their parent or guardian. But as the relationship progresses, hidden parallels between a partner and a parent may emerge.

This can be comforting or unsettling, depending on the kind of childhood we had. For instance, someone raised in an affectionate home might appreciate a partner who mimics warmth and care. Conversely, someone who grew up facing neglect may unknowingly pick a partner who echoes that same emotional distance, repeating the past.

Examples

• Kathryn chose Bernard because his quiet demeanor mirrored her father's. This comforted her initially but later caused strife.
• John was intrigued by Cheryl's bursts of emotion as they filled a void left by his controlled upbringing.
• Couples often mirror childhood nicknames, behaviors, or nurturing dynamics in early relationship phases.

2. Seeing Your Partner as a Parent Figure

Over time, love often turns into conflict as traits in one’s partner remind them of their upbringing—whether positive or negative. A once-attractive characteristic can become a source of frustration when tensions arise.

Partners may accuse one another of adopting traits from a parent. For instance, someone who grew up with an overly strict or inattentive parent might feel resentful when their partner unknowingly exhibits similar behaviors. While Imago-influenced attraction draws partners together, it can also foster dissatisfaction when subconscious expectations aren't met.

These parallels can create emotional triggers. Cheryl's temper reminded John of feelings he had suppressed due to his mother's criticisms, leading him to both admire and loathe it. Kathryn cherished Bernard's calmness at first, only to feel suffocated by his quiet nature later.

Examples

• Children from abusive homes may be drawn to controlling partners unknowingly.
• Someone whose parent neglected them emotionally may expect their partner to overcompensate, causing strain.
• Partners like Cheryl and John demonstrate how early admiration turns into repulsion under pressure.

3. Escape Routes Harm Relationships

Many people unconsciously keep mental "exit routes" in relationships, which may hinder commitment. When they prioritize personal hobbies or social engagements excessively, they subtly avoid connection with their partner.

Social media, solo activities, and excessive time apart can all serve as subconscious escape mechanisms. While independent interests are healthy, overindulging in them to dodge relationship struggles can damage intimacy. That instinct to avoid discomfort comes from primal areas of the brain, the limbic system, which associates emotional pain with danger.

Imago therapy teaches that spending meaningful time together can strengthen bonds. For instance, 12 weeks of focused connection through shared activities can repair long-neglected intimacy, according to the author's research.

Examples

• Partners in Imago therapy stopped dedicating weekends to individual hobbies and spent quality time rebuilding their connection.
• A husband’s golf obsession masked his desire to avoid arguments at home.
• Social media scrolling disrupted emotional availability in relationships.

4. Gifts of Love Make a Difference

Gift-giving, even small acts of kindness, nourishes relationships because it taps into an innate childhood expectation of unconditional care. Just as babies receive food and warmth without earning it, adults yearn for favors that show love without strings attached.

Unexpected, thoughtful gestures tailored to a partner's preferences nurture emotional connections. Psychologist Richard Stuart’s caring days program, where couples list desired actions for each other, illustrates this well. Even if the giver initially acts out of obligation, the recipient feels valued when their partner takes the time to meet their needs.

Regular acts of generosity—like cooking a favorite meal or surprising someone with flowers—help couples maintain their bond and sense of reciprocity.

Examples

• A partner reads a wishlist and surprises their loved one with flowers mid-week.
• Bringing home a partner’s comfort snack after a tough day speaks volumes without words.
• Caring days transformed couples in Stuart's sessions through simple acts of thoughtfulness.

5. Effective Listening Strengthens Bonds

Listening, when done with empathy and non-judgment, improves communication in relationships. The author recommends a three-step technique to resolve misunderstandings: mirroring, validating, and empathizing.

Mirroring involves paraphrasing what the partner says without adding personal interpretation. Validating shows understanding of their perspective, even without agreement. Finally, empathizing acknowledges their emotions, fostering deeper trust and reducing the intensity of arguments.

Therapeutic exercises showed couples like Doug and Rita that reflective listening made them feel more connected. Doug learned to validate Rita's concerns, helping her feel heard rather than dismissed.

Examples

• A partner paraphrases, “You’re upset because I’ve been too busy lately,” instead of getting defensive.
• Rita shared her frustrations in therapy, and Doug showed her he understood without agreeing entirely.
• Couples who empathize can de-escalate conflicts instead of fueling them.

6. Rage Can Be Managed Safely

Rage has the potential to damage relationships, but it can be managed when expressed safely. The author suggests "container transactions," where anger is verbally released in a controlled, empathetic environment.

Instead of reacting defensively, a partner can mirror and validate emotions to help the angry partner release pent-up feelings. This approach transforms hostility into understanding. Furthermore, techniques like core-scene therapy involve rehearsing and re-framing common fights to lessen their emotional sting.

Jack and Deborah, for instance, used these techniques to rewrite their recurring arguments. Jack learned to assert himself, while Deborah practiced gentler communication.

Examples

• Core-scene therapy helped Deborah express her anger constructively.
• Mirroring helps partners diffuse fights by reflecting on emotions instead of retaliating.
• Acting out "fight scripts" as though they were scenes helped couples detach from their feelings.

7. Love Requires Personal Growth

Love isn't static; it thrives on self-improvement. Partners need to evolve and address weaknesses for the relationship to endure. This doesn't mean completely altering who you are but shows a willingness to grow and meet your partner’s emotional needs.

Change can feel threatening because it requires ego death—the shedding of self-centered behavior. Yet by embracing change, partners show true love and respect. This growth fosters a deeper bond and opens the door to universal compassion, or agape.

Through patience and adaptability, a partner may resolve long-standing issues, like unspoken expectations about cleanliness or emotional support, with mutual understanding.

Examples

• A messy partner learns to compromise by tidying up common spaces for their partner's comfort.
• A closed-off spouse slowly becomes more expressive to fulfill unmet needs.
• Couples grow closer by identifying and eliminating ego-driven habits.

8. Subconscious Drives Conflict

Sometimes, what partners argue about on the surface isn’t the real issue. Subconscious wounds from childhood create hidden tensions that bubble up during disagreements, making situations feel more dire than they really are.

When a partner’s behavior awakens old hurts, the brain perceives it as a threat. It's why trivial arguments can escalate quickly. Recognizing the subconscious's role helps couples depersonalize such fights and approach them calmly.

Examples

• A wife misinterpreted her husband’s busy work schedule as emotional neglect, stemming from her father’s absence.
• Overreactions to minor mistakes often point to deeper fears.
• Therapists use Imago therapy to explore underlying triggers.

9. Unity Requires Teamwork

Strong partnerships succeed when both parties recognize they’re on the same team. Building rituals of connection, such as shared hobbies or regular date nights, helps couples remember their mutual goal: a lasting relationship.

By viewing conflicts as joint challenges to overcome, partners develop better problem-solving skills together. Routine practices, like gratitude exercises, can also reinforce emotional connection.

Examples

• A couple with struggling communication joined a hobby group to rebuild camaraderie.
• Cooking a weekly meal together served as a bonding exercise.
• Couples therapy often emphasizes teamwork over individual blame.

Takeaways

1. Dedicate one evening each week to a shared activity, such as cooking or having meaningful conversations.
2. Create a wishlist of thoughtful gestures both you and your partner can fulfill for each other regularly.
3. Practice reflective listening by mirroring your partner’s words during your next disagreement.