Introduction
In his book "He Comes Next," Dr. Ian Kerner takes a deep dive into the world of male sexuality and pleasure. As a follow-up to his popular book "She Comes First," Kerner shifts his focus to men, exploring the intricacies of male arousal, orgasm, and sexual satisfaction. This book aims to provide valuable insights for both men and their partners on how to enhance sexual experiences and create deeper connections in the bedroom.
Kerner doesn't shy away from addressing common misconceptions and anxieties surrounding male sexuality. He tackles issues head-on, offering practical advice and techniques to help men and their partners overcome obstacles and achieve more fulfilling sexual relationships. Throughout the book, Kerner emphasizes the importance of moving beyond a penis-centric view of sex and embracing a more holistic approach to pleasure.
The Male Pelvic Area: A Guarded Territory
One of the key themes Kerner explores is the physiological and psychological protection of the male pelvic area. Men instinctively guard their genitals, both consciously and unconsciously. This protective instinct is deeply ingrained and serves an important biological function.
The penis, particularly the glans (head), is incredibly sensitive. For uncircumcised men, the foreskin provides an additional layer of protection, retracting only when aroused. The testicles, another highly sensitive area, also respond to arousal by drawing closer to the body.
Kerner points out that this physical guardedness often extends to psychological protection as well. Many men carry anxieties about their penis size and performance, leading to further tension and stress around sexual experiences. These concerns can be traced back to adolescence, where unexpected erections may have caused embarrassment or discomfort.
The author encourages open communication between partners about these anxieties. By creating a safe space to discuss concerns, couples can build trust and work together to overcome barriers to sexual satisfaction.
Moving Beyond Penis-Centric Sex
A significant portion of the book is dedicated to challenging the notion that sex revolves entirely around the penis and penetration. Kerner argues that this narrow view of sex, which he calls the "intercourse-discourse," is perpetuated by various factors, including pornography and societal expectations.
The author highlights how pornography can contribute to unhealthy masturbation habits. Many men, influenced by easily accessible porn, focus on quick gratification rather than building fantasy and desire. This can lead to issues like premature ejaculation and difficulty maintaining arousal during partnered sex.
Kerner is particularly critical of the widespread use of erectile dysfunction medications like Viagra. While these drugs can be helpful in some cases, he argues that they often create unrealistic expectations and heighten performance anxiety. Instead of relying on pharmaceuticals, Kerner advocates for a more holistic approach to sexual health that considers psychological factors and the overall quality of the relationship.
The Stages of Relationships and Sexual Desire
To better understand the ebb and flow of sexual desire in long-term relationships, Kerner outlines three general stages that couples typically experience:
- Lust
- Romantic love
- Attachment
The first two stages are characterized by high levels of dopamine and norepinephrine, hormones that contribute to feelings of excitement and arousal. As relationships progress to the attachment stage, different hormones come into play, promoting feelings of comfort and security.
While the attachment stage is crucial for long-term relationship stability, it can sometimes lead to a decrease in sexual excitement. Kerner emphasizes that maintaining desire is key to keeping sex satisfying and fulfilling throughout all stages of a relationship.
The author's research reveals that many men report their best sexual experiences occurring at the beginning of their current long-term relationships. What made these encounters memorable wasn't necessarily fancy techniques or positions, but the intense desire they felt for their partner at the time.
To recapture this excitement, Kerner suggests incorporating elements of novelty, spontaneity, and even a hint of "danger" into sexual routines. By avoiding predictability and actively working to reignite desire, couples can maintain a passionate sex life well into the attachment stage of their relationship.
The Power of Fantasy and Foreplay
Kerner dedicates significant attention to the role of fantasy in enhancing sexual experiences. He notes that while sexual fantasies are common, many people feel ashamed of their erotic thoughts and tend to repress them. This repression, however, can be detrimental to a healthy sex life.
The author encourages readers to embrace their fantasies, explaining that an active imagination can be a powerful tool for sparking desire and arousal. Neuroscience research suggests that the process of fantasizing can actually help relax the body and calm anxieties, creating an ideal state for sexual pleasure.
Kerner proposes expanding the traditional definition of foreplay to include the exploration of fantasies. Rather than limiting foreplay to physical stimulation immediately before intercourse, he suggests using fantasy as a way to build anticipation and desire throughout the day or even over extended periods.
Practical suggestions for incorporating fantasy into sexual play include:
- Sharing fantasies with a partner
- Role-playing scenarios
- Exploring exhibitionist tendencies in safe, consensual ways
By broadening the scope of foreplay and embracing fantasy, couples can create a more exciting and fulfilling sexual experience that goes beyond the physical act of intercourse.
Emotional Connection and Slowing Down
A recurring theme in "He Comes Next" is the importance of emotional connection in creating satisfying sexual experiences. Kerner notes that many men who complain of sexual boredom often identify a lack of emotional intimacy as the root cause.
To address this, the author offers practical advice for rebuilding emotional connections in daily life:
- Implement a daily ritual of meaningful hugs (at least three times a day)
- Maintain eye contact during sex to foster intimacy
- Practice active listening and emotional sharing outside the bedroom
Alongside emotional connection, Kerner emphasizes the benefits of slowing down the male arousal process. Many men, he argues, are conditioned for quick and easy orgasms. By deliberately extending the arousal phase, couples can create more intense and satisfying sexual experiences.
Techniques for slowing down arousal include:
- Focusing on non-genital touch and stimulation
- Incorporating full-body massages
- Practicing relaxation techniques to reduce performance anxiety
Kerner explains that relaxation is crucial for arousal, as stress and anxiety can trigger the body's fight-or-flight response, diverting blood flow away from the genitals. By creating a calm and comfortable environment, couples can set the stage for more intense arousal and pleasure.
From Local to Global Arousal
One of the most intriguing concepts Kerner introduces is the distinction between "local" and "global" orgasms in men. A local orgasm is focused primarily on the penis, while a global orgasm involves a full-body response.
To achieve these more intense, full-body orgasms, Kerner suggests moving away from solely genital stimulation and embracing a more holistic approach to pleasure. He offers several strategies for promoting global arousal:
- Full nudity: Exposing the entire body to sensation and vulnerability
- Bondage: Allowing the man to relinquish control and become more receptive to pleasure
- Blindfolding: Heightening other senses and promoting full-body awareness
- Full-body massage: Releasing tension and promoting the production of bonding hormones
When it comes to genital stimulation, Kerner advises a teasing, exploratory approach rather than immediate, intense focus on the penis. He suggests using a combination of hand, mouth, and body stimulation, always maintaining a slow, gentle pace to build anticipation.
The author also recommends simultaneously stimulating different parts of the body to create a more expansive sensation of pleasure. This approach helps to distribute arousal throughout the body, setting the stage for a more intense, global orgasm.
Techniques for Mind-Blowing Sex
Kerner provides detailed guidance on specific techniques for pleasuring a male partner. He breaks down the typical stages of male masturbation to give partners insight into the process:
- Filling: Non-rhythmic stimulation to encourage blood flow
- Rhythmic stroking: Increasing pace and intensity
- Plateau: Maintaining a high level of arousal
- Ejaculatory inevitability: The "point of no return"
With this understanding, partners can work to extend and enhance each stage of arousal. Kerner introduces the concept of "please, squeeze, and ease" as a framework for managing arousal:
- Please: Provide gentle, varied stimulation to build arousal
- Squeeze: Apply pressure to the glans to decrease sensitivity and delay orgasm
- Ease: Take breaks from genital stimulation to prolong the experience
The author offers specific techniques for each stage, such as:
- Gently touching the entire genital area during the filling stage
- Using varied pressure and positions when stroking the shaft
- Paying special attention to the frenulum, the sensitive area just below the glans
- Incorporating unpredictable oral stimulation
- Using the penis to stimulate the clitoris, enhancing pleasure for both partners
Kerner emphasizes the importance of communication and attunement to your partner's responses throughout the sexual experience.
The Art of Prolonging Pleasure
A key strategy for intensifying male orgasms, according to Kerner, is to extend the plateau phase of arousal for as long as possible. This builds sexual tension throughout the body, leading to more powerful and satisfying climaxes.
To achieve this, the author suggests:
- Gradually increasing the pace of stimulation while decreasing periods of rest
- Alternating between long, firm strokes and short, focused stimulation of the frenulum
- Combining oral and manual stimulation for varied sensations
Kerner advises partners to take control of the rhythm during intercourse, using the penis as they would a sex toy to dictate angles and movements. This approach allows for greater control over the man's arousal and can help delay orgasm until both partners are satisfied.
The author also provides guidance on recognizing the signs of impending orgasm, such as increased body tension. By learning to identify these cues, partners can better manage arousal and prolong the plateau phase.
When it's finally time for orgasm, Kerner emphasizes the importance of maintaining stimulation throughout the climax and staying emotionally connected until the very end.
Overcoming Common Obstacles
Throughout the book, Kerner addresses various challenges that can impede sexual satisfaction for men and their partners. Some of the key issues he tackles include:
Performance anxiety: The author offers strategies for reducing stress and pressure around sexual performance, emphasizing the importance of communication and relaxation.
Premature ejaculation: Kerner provides techniques for managing arousal and extending the plateau phase to help men last longer during sexual activity.
Erectile dysfunction: While acknowledging the potential benefits of medications like Viagra in some cases, the author encourages readers to explore psychological and relationship factors that may contribute to erectile issues.
Body image concerns: Kerner addresses the impact of body image on sexual confidence and offers advice for building self-esteem and comfort with one's body.
Lack of desire: The author explores various factors that can contribute to low libido and provides suggestions for rekindling sexual interest in long-term relationships.
By openly discussing these common issues, Kerner helps to normalize the challenges many men and couples face in their sex lives. He consistently emphasizes the importance of open communication, mutual understanding, and a willingness to explore and experiment in overcoming these obstacles.
The Role of Communication in Sexual Satisfaction
A recurring theme throughout "He Comes Next" is the critical importance of open, honest communication between sexual partners. Kerner repeatedly emphasizes that many sexual issues can be resolved or improved through better communication.
The author offers several strategies for enhancing sexual communication:
- Creating a safe, judgment-free space to discuss desires and concerns
- Using "I" statements to express needs and feelings without blaming or criticizing
- Practicing active listening to truly understand your partner's perspective
- Sharing fantasies in a low-pressure way, such as the "I Had a Dream" method
- Providing positive feedback during and after sexual encounters
Kerner encourages readers to view communication as an ongoing process rather than a one-time conversation. By regularly checking in with each other about sexual satisfaction, desires, and concerns, couples can continually improve their intimate experiences.
The Importance of Self-Exploration
While much of the book focuses on partnered sex, Kerner also emphasizes the value of self-exploration for men. He encourages readers to take time to understand their own bodies, responses, and desires outside of partnered sexual activity.
The author suggests various ways for men to enhance their self-awareness and sexual experiences:
- Mindful masturbation: Focusing on sensation and pleasure rather than just reaching orgasm
- Exploring different types of touch and stimulation
- Practicing pelvic floor exercises to improve sexual function and sensation
- Experimenting with sex toys designed for male pleasure
By becoming more attuned to their own bodies and responses, men can better communicate their needs to partners and enjoy more satisfying sexual experiences overall.
The Connection Between Sexual and Overall Health
Kerner takes care to highlight the interconnectedness of sexual health and overall well-being. He discusses how factors such as diet, exercise, stress levels, and sleep can all impact sexual function and satisfaction.
The author encourages readers to take a holistic approach to their health, recognizing that improvements in general wellness can often lead to enhanced sexual experiences. Some of his recommendations include:
- Regular exercise to improve cardiovascular health and boost libido
- Stress-reduction techniques like meditation or yoga
- Maintaining a balanced diet rich in nutrients that support sexual health
- Prioritizing quality sleep to regulate hormones and improve energy levels
- Limiting alcohol consumption, which can negatively impact sexual function
By addressing these broader aspects of health, Kerner suggests that men can not only improve their sexual experiences but also enhance their overall quality of life.
Embracing Sexual Growth and Exploration
As the book draws to a close, Kerner emphasizes the importance of viewing sexuality as a journey of ongoing growth and exploration. He encourages readers to maintain a sense of curiosity and openness in their sex lives, regardless of age or relationship status.
The author suggests several ways to foster continued sexual growth:
- Regularly trying new activities or techniques in the bedroom
- Attending workshops or classes on sexuality and relationships
- Reading books or articles about sexual health and pleasure
- Discussing sexual goals and desires with partners
- Embracing a mindset of lifelong learning when it comes to sexuality
By approaching sex with an attitude of exploration and growth, Kerner argues that individuals and couples can continue to discover new sources of pleasure and connection throughout their lives.
Conclusion
"He Comes Next" offers a comprehensive exploration of male sexuality, challenging common misconceptions and providing practical advice for enhancing sexual experiences. Dr. Ian Kerner's approach emphasizes the importance of moving beyond a narrow, penis-centric view of sex to embrace a more holistic understanding of male pleasure.
Key takeaways from the book include:
- The need to address both physical and psychological aspects of male sexuality
- The importance of emotional connection and communication in sexual relationships
- Techniques for prolonging arousal and achieving more intense, full-body orgasms
- Strategies for overcoming common sexual obstacles
- The value of self-exploration and ongoing sexual growth
Throughout the book, Kerner encourages readers to approach sex with curiosity, openness, and a willingness to explore new experiences. By combining practical techniques with a deeper understanding of male sexuality, "He Comes Next" provides a roadmap for men and their partners to achieve greater sexual satisfaction and deeper intimacy.
Ultimately, Kerner's message is one of empowerment and possibility. By letting go of restrictive beliefs about male sexuality and embracing a more expansive view of pleasure, men and their partners can unlock new levels of sexual fulfillment and connection. Whether you're looking to spice up a long-term relationship or simply gain a better understanding of male sexuality, "He Comes Next" offers valuable insights and actionable advice for a more satisfying sex life.