Sex is a topic that fascinates and confounds us in equal measure. On the surface, it seems simple - a biological drive aimed at reproduction. But beneath that lies a complex tangle of emotions, desires, taboos, and psychological factors that shape our relationship to sex in profound ways. In "How to Think More About Sex", philosopher Alain de Botton takes a deep dive into this rich and multifaceted subject, offering insights that can help us develop a more nuanced and fulfilling approach to our sex lives.
De Botton argues that despite the sexual revolution of the 1960s, which aimed to liberate us from shame and guilt around sex, many of us still struggle with awkwardness and discomfort when it comes to this most intimate of acts. He suggests that to truly understand sex, we need to look beyond just the biological imperatives and examine the psychological underpinnings of desire, attraction, and sexual behavior.
With wit, wisdom and compassion, de Botton explores topics like the evolutionary basis of attraction, the role of childhood experiences in shaping our sexual preferences, the challenges of maintaining passion in long-term relationships, and the complex emotions stirred up by rejection and infidelity. He offers a philosophical perspective that can help us think more deeply about sex and develop greater self-awareness around our own desires and hang-ups.
This book summary will explore the key ideas and insights from "How to Think More About Sex", providing a comprehensive overview of de Botton's perspective on this eternally fascinating subject. By learning to think more carefully and openly about sex, we can cultivate healthier attitudes and more satisfying relationships - both with ourselves and with others.
The Biological Basis of Sex and Attraction
De Botton begins by acknowledging that there are clear biological and evolutionary reasons behind sexual attraction and behavior. From an evolutionary standpoint, we are drawn to traits in potential mates that signal health, fertility, and good genes - things that would help ensure the survival of our offspring.
For instance, facial symmetry is widely considered attractive across cultures because it indicates a strong immune system and absence of genetic defects. Physical strength in men and feminine features in women are appealing because they align with traditional gender roles in reproduction and child-rearing. Intelligence suggests an ability to adapt and problem-solve, which would be beneficial for raising children.
These biological drives explain a lot about who we find attractive and why we engage in sex. The intense pleasure we derive from sex can be seen as nature's way of motivating us to perform the vital but difficult task of reproduction.
However, de Botton argues that this biological account, while important, is insufficient to fully explain the complexities of human sexuality. It doesn't account for the wide variety of traits and features that different individuals find attractive. Nor does it explain phenomena like impotence, where someone may struggle to perform sexually even with a conventionally attractive partner.
To truly understand sex and attraction, we need to look beyond just biology to the psychological factors at play. Our individual experiences, especially in childhood, shape our desires and preferences in ways that can't be explained through evolution alone.
The Psychological Roots of Desire
De Botton delves into how our psychological makeup, shaped by our upbringing and life experiences, has an enormous influence on who and what we find sexually appealing.
He suggests that we are often attracted to qualities in others that we ourselves lack or wish we possessed. For instance, someone who struggles with anxiety may be drawn to a partner who exudes calm confidence. A disorganized person might find themselves attracted to someone who seems to have their life perfectly in order.
Our attractions can also be shaped by positive or negative childhood experiences. De Botton gives the example of a man who becomes aroused by women wearing plain black loafers - the kind a librarian might wear. This seemingly random preference likely stems from unmet childhood needs - perhaps his mother always wore high heels when going out and neglecting to read him bedtime stories. The loafers symbolize the nurturing, attentive maternal figure he longed for.
Similarly, a woman might find herself turned on by a man's old-fashioned wristwatch because it reminds her of her beloved father who passed away when she was young. The watch triggers associations with the paternal qualities she admires and seeks in a partner.
These psychological factors often operate below the level of conscious awareness. We may not realize why certain traits or objects turn us on, but they act as potent symbols that speak to our deepest needs and desires.
Understanding the psychological roots of our attractions can help us make sense of our preferences and feel less ashamed of them. It allows us to see that even seemingly trivial turn-ons can be windows into our souls, revealing important emotional needs.
The Conflict Between Love and Sex
One of the key tensions in our sexual lives, according to de Botton, is the frequent mismatch between our desire for love and our desire for sex. These two needs often pull us in different directions.
He illustrates this with the example of a man and woman who meet on a train. The man is drawn to qualities in the woman that suggest a caring, nurturing personality. He starts fantasizing about introducing her to his parents - what he most desires is love. The woman, on the other hand, finds the man a bit dull but is physically attracted to him. She's imagining him naked - what she wants is sex.
If these two were to end up in a relationship without honestly communicating their true desires and intentions, it would likely lead to pain and disappointment on both sides. The man might feel used if he realizes the woman was only interested in sex, while the woman might feel trapped if the man pushes for a deeper commitment than she wants.
De Botton argues that we need to recognize both the need for love and the need for sex as equally valid, rather than privileging one over the other. There's nothing inherently more noble or moral about wanting love vs wanting sex. What matters is that we're honest with ourselves and others about what we truly desire.
This can be challenging because both love and sex carry their own sets of taboos and social stigmas. Admitting you just want sex might make you seem cold or vulgar. Confessing you're seeking love could come across as needy or weak. But being upfront about our true intentions, even if it's uncomfortable, is key to forming authentic connections and avoiding unnecessary suffering.
The Challenge of Rejection
Rejection is an inevitable part of sexual and romantic life, but one that many of us struggle to handle gracefully. De Botton offers a perspective that can help take some of the sting out of being turned down.
He points out that we often interpret rejection as a damning judgment on our worth as a person. When someone says they're not interested in us romantically or sexually, we hear it as confirmation of all our deepest insecurities - that we're unlovable, unattractive, fundamentally flawed.
But de Botton argues this is the wrong way to view rejection. In reality, when someone isn't attracted to us, it's not a choice or a considered judgment - it's an automatic, instinctive response. Just as we can't force ourselves to be turned on by someone we're not attracted to, others can't will themselves to desire us if the chemistry isn't there.
He suggests we think of rejection more like we think of the weather. In primitive societies, people saw rain as a blessing from the gods and drought as divine punishment. Modern meteorology has shown us that weather patterns are the result of complex atmospheric factors, not rewards or punishments. Similarly, attraction and rejection are the products of psychological and biological variables largely outside our control, not judgments on our intrinsic worth.
This perspective can help us take rejection less personally. It doesn't mean it won't hurt, but we can avoid compounding that pain by heaping shame and self-loathing on top of it. We can recognize that sometimes "no" just means "no", not "you're worthless."
Adopting this mindset can make us more resilient in the face of inevitable rejections. It can also help us be more compassionate when we're the ones doing the rejecting, recognizing that we're not making a moral judgment on the other person's value.
The Challenges of Long-Term Relationships
While we often think of committed relationships as a refuge from rejection and sexual frustration, de Botton points out that long-term partnerships come with their own set of challenges when it comes to maintaining a satisfying sex life.
One major issue is the loss of mystery and excitement that tends to happen over time. When we first start dating someone, their body is new and thrilling territory to explore. But after years together, that novelty wears off. De Botton gives the example of a husband who once delighted in imagining what his wife's breasts looked like, but now finds them about as exciting as her thumbs or shins.
This familiarity can dampen desire. Casual nudity around the house, far from being arousing, can actually decrease sexual tension by making nakedness seem mundane rather than erotic.
Another challenge is that long-term partners often fall into domestic roles that can feel at odds with sexual passion. It can be hard to shift gears from discussing household chores or childcare to getting in a sexy mindset. The very closeness and comfort that make committed relationships rewarding can also make it harder to access the vulnerability and excitement that fuel sexual desire.
Rejection can also feel even more painful coming from a long-term partner than from a stranger. We expect our committed partners to desire us, so being turned down for sex by a spouse can feel like a particularly harsh blow.
De Botton doesn't offer easy solutions to these challenges, but he suggests that understanding them as normal parts of long-term relationships can help us be more compassionate with ourselves and our partners. It's not a personal failing if passion wanes somewhat over time - it's a common experience that couples can work through together with patience and creativity.
The Incest Taboo and Its Impact on Long-Term Relationships
One of the more provocative ideas de Botton explores is how the incest taboo can create problems in long-term romantic relationships. While this may sound strange at first, he makes a compelling case for how it plays out psychologically.
The incest taboo - our deep-seated aversion to sexual contact with close family members - is a crucial part of human social and sexual development. As children, we learn about love primarily from our parents and siblings, people who are off-limits as sexual partners.
The issue arises because as adults, we often unconsciously seek out romantic partners who remind us of our early caregivers. We're drawn to people who possess the nurturing qualities we associate with parental love. And the closer and more intimate we become with a romantic partner, the more they can start to feel like family.
This creates a paradox - the more we come to love and trust our partner, the more they may trigger our incest taboo, making it psychologically difficult to see them as a sexual being. De Botton gives the example of couples who have children together starting to call each other "Mom" and "Dad" even in private, signaling this shift in how they view each other.
This taboo can make it uncomfortable to express sexual desires or engage in erotic play with a long-term partner. We may find it easier to be sexually uninhibited with a stranger precisely because they don't trigger these familial associations.
Understanding this dynamic can help couples navigate the changes in their sex lives over time. It explains why passion might naturally wane in long-term relationships and why it sometimes feels awkward to initiate sex with someone you're deeply emotionally intimate with.
De Botton suggests that awareness of this psychological factor can help us consciously work to maintain erotic charge in our relationships. We may need to make extra effort to see our partners as sexual beings separate from their roles as co-parents or domestic partners.
Rekindling Desire in Long-Term Relationships
While long-term relationships face many obstacles to maintaining sexual passion, de Botton offers some strategies for rekindling desire and keeping things exciting.
One approach is to introduce novelty and a bit of distance into the relationship. Booking a hotel room for a night, even in your own city, can help partners see each other in a fresh light, removed from the context of domestic routines. This change of scenery can reignite the spark of early dating days.
For more adventurous couples, bringing in a third party can sometimes fan the flames of desire. Seeing one's partner desired by someone else can renew our own attraction to them. Of course, this approach carries risks and isn't suitable for everyone, but it illustrates how shaking up the usual dynamic can revitalize a sex life.
De Botton also suggests we can learn from artists in how we view our partners. He uses the example of how Manet's paintings made people see everyday objects like asparagus in a new, wondrous light. Similarly, we can practice really looking at our partners with fresh eyes, as if seeing them for the first time. This mindful attention can help us rediscover what attracted us to them initially.
The key is to find ways to shift our perspective and create some emotional and mental space from the routines of daily life together. This allows us to see our partner as an individual worthy of desire, rather than just a familiar presence we take for granted.
It's also important to make time and space for sexuality amid busy lives. This might mean scheduling sex (which sounds unromantic but can be very effective), creating bedtime rituals that transition you from parent/worker mode to lover mode, or simply prioritizing physical intimacy as an important part of your relationship.
The Promise and Perils of Pornography
De Botton takes a nuanced view on pornography, acknowledging both its widespread appeal and its potential downsides. He argues that the sheer volume of porn consumed globally indicates it's meeting some deep-seated human needs, but also expresses concern about its impacts.
One of the main criticisms he levels at pornography is that it's a colossal waste of time and energy. Every minute spent watching porn is a minute not spent on more productive or fulfilling activities - whether that's creative pursuits, self-improvement, or simply being present with loved ones.
Moreover, he suggests that porn can undermine our ability to tolerate necessary forms of suffering and boredom. Like other escapist activities, it offers an easy way out of uncomfortable emotions or tedious tasks. This can erode our capacity to sit with difficulty and work through challenges.
Pornography can also, according to de Botton, dampen our appreciation for higher virtues and aesthetics. The often crude and exploitative nature of mainstream porn requires us to temporarily forget about our ethical and artistic sensibilities to enjoy it. This is in contrast to great films or literature which engage our full humanity, including our moral and aesthetic senses.
However, rather than calling for the abolition of porn, de Botton proposes that it could be improved. He suggests that pornography could take cues from religious art, which often manages to capture transcendent virtues while still having an element of sensuality. An "enlightened pornography" could perhaps use sexual allure to elevate our spirits and reinforce positive values rather than degrading them.
In the meantime, he does advocate for some degree of self-imposed censorship or restriction around porn use. Given how easily available and alluring it is, especially online, some intentional limits may be necessary to keep it from encroaching too much on our lives and relationships.
The Complexity of Infidelity
Infidelity is generally viewed as a serious moral transgression, but de Botton encourages us to take a more nuanced view of extramarital affairs. While not condoning cheating, he suggests that the desire for affairs is often rooted in very human and understandable impulses.
The urge to stray, he argues, can be seen as a sign of vitality and engagement with life. It reflects our natural curiosity and desire for new experiences. In a way, never being tempted by the idea of an affair might indicate a lack of imagination or zest for life.
De Botton also challenges the notion that blame in cases of infidelity should fall entirely on the cheating partner. He suggests that often both parties in a relationship bear some responsibility for letting things reach a point where an affair became appealing. The betrayed partner may have contributed through emotional neglect, lack of effort in the relationship, or failure to grow and evolve as a person.
That said, de Botton does not dismiss the value of fidelity. He argues that we should give more credit to those who remain faithful, recognizing the significant sacrifice and self-control it requires. Resisting the temptation of affairs out of commitment to a partner and family is a profound act of love and integrity.
He also cautions against the "magical thinking" often involved in affairs - the idea that they can fix a troubled marriage or allow us to escape our problems. In reality, affairs usually create more complications and hurt than they solve.
The key, according to de Botton, is to approach the topic of infidelity with empathy and nuance. Understanding the complex factors that lead to affairs can help us be more compassionate towards those involved while still valuing commitment and honesty in relationships.
Balancing the Erotic and the Domestic
One of the core challenges in maintaining a satisfying sex life within a long-term relationship is navigating the tension between the erotic and the domestic realms of life. De Botton explores how these two spheres often conflict with each other in ways that can dampen sexual desire.
The domestic sphere is characterized by practicality, responsibility, and routine. It's about paying bills, doing chores, and handling the mundane tasks of daily life. The erotic realm, in contrast, is all about fantasy, spontaneity, and escaping from everyday concerns.
This creates a fundamental tension. The very qualities that make someone a great domestic partner - reliability, sensibility, consistency - can work against them being seen as an exciting sexual partner. Conversely, the traits we might find sexually alluring - mystery, unpredictability, slight danger - often don't translate well to stable home life.
De Botton gives the example of how difficult it can be to shift from a practical conversation about household matters to initiating sex. The mental gears required for these two modes are so different that the transition can feel jarring or even impossible.
He also notes how the roles we play in domestic life - parent, caretaker, provider - can conflict with our sexual personas. It might feel easier to don a sexy costume for a stranger than for the person who's seen us in our least glamorous moments day after day.
This isn't to say that domestic life and erotic life are incompatible, but rather that maintaining both requires conscious effort and creativity. Couples need to find ways to create space for eroticism amid the practical demands of shared life.
Some strategies might include:
Deliberately creating boundaries between domestic and sexual spaces (e.g., keeping the bedroom as a sanctuary for intimacy, free from work or chores)
Planning date nights or getaways that allow partners to step out of their usual roles
Openly discussing desires and fantasies to keep the erotic imagination alive
Finding ways to inject playfulness and spontaneity into daily routines
Maintaining some element of mystery and individual identity within the relationship
By understanding this inherent tension, couples can work together to cultivate both domestic harmony and erotic excitement, rather than sacrificing one for the other.
The Importance of Honest Communication
Throughout "How to Think More About Sex", de Botton emphasizes the crucial role of open, honest communication in navigating the complexities of sexual relationships. Whether it's expressing our true desires, discussing challenges in our sex lives, or working through feelings of rejection or jealousy, the ability to talk frankly about sex is key.
This can be challenging because sex remains a taboo subject in many ways, despite our supposedly liberated modern attitudes. We often feel shame or embarrassment around our sexual needs and preferences, making it hard to voice them even to intimate partners.
But de Botton argues that this reticence comes at a high cost. When we're not honest about what we want sexually, we set ourselves and our partners up for disappointment and frustration. Mismatched expectations around sex and intimacy are a major source of relationship conflict.
He encourages readers to practice greater transparency around their sexual desires, even when it feels uncomfortable. This might mean admitting to a new partner that you're looking for casual sex rather than a relationship, or telling a long-term partner about a fantasy you've been afraid to share.
It's also important to be able to discuss sexual problems or dissatisfaction in a constructive way. Many couples struggle with mismatched libidos, performance issues, or waning attraction, but avoid talking about these issues out of fear or embarrassment. De Botton suggests that approaching these conversations with compassion and a problem-solving mindset can help couples work through challenges together.
This extends to discussing topics like pornography use, attraction to others, or even the temptation of affairs. While these can be painful subjects, being able to talk about them openly can actually strengthen trust and intimacy in a relationship.
Of course, this kind of radical honesty requires creating a safe, non-judgmental space within relationships. Partners need to be able to express vulnerable truths without fear of rejection or moral condemnation. This is a skill that often needs to be deliberately cultivated.
By prioritizing honest communication around sex, we can create more authentic and satisfying intimate relationships. We can also develop a healthier relationship with our own sexuality, free from unnecessary shame or repression.
Cultivating Self-Awareness and Acceptance
A major theme running through de Botton's exploration of sex is the importance of developing greater self-awareness around our own desires, hang-ups, and patterns. By understanding the psychological roots of our attractions and behaviors, we can cultivate more self-acceptance and make better choices in our sexual lives.
This process of self-exploration might involve reflecting on questions like:
What patterns do I notice in the types of people I'm attracted to? What might this reveal about my own needs or insecurities?
What were the messages I received about sex growing up? How might these have shaped my current attitudes?
What are my core sexual fantasies, and what emotional needs might they represent?
In what situations do I feel most sexually confident? Most insecure?
How do my sexual desires align or conflict with my values and life goals?
De Botton encourages us to approach these questions with curiosity rather than judgment. The goal isn't to label our desires as "good" or "bad," but to understand them more deeply.
This self-awareness can help us in several ways:
It allows us to communicate more clearly with partners about our needs and boundaries.
It helps us make more conscious choices about our sexual behavior, rather than acting on autopilot.
It can reduce shame around our desires by helping us see them as natural products of our experiences.
It enables us to notice and challenge unhelpful patterns in our relationships.
It can lead to greater sexual fulfillment by aligning our behavior with our true desires.
De Botton also emphasizes the importance of accepting our sexuality as an integral part of who we are, rather than something to be ashamed of or repressed. This doesn't mean acting on every sexual impulse, but rather acknowledging our desires as valid aspects of our humanity.
This self-acceptance extends to recognizing our own limitations and vulnerabilities when it comes to sex. It means being able to admit when we're struggling with issues like low libido, performance anxiety, or body image concerns, and seeking help when needed.
By developing this kind of self-aware, self-accepting approach to our sexuality, we can navigate the complex terrain of intimate relationships with greater wisdom and authenticity.
Conclusion: A More Thoughtful Approach to Sex
In "How to Think More About Sex", Alain de Botton challenges us to approach this most intimate aspect of human life with greater thoughtfulness, nuance, and self-awareness. By examining the biological, psychological, and social factors that shape our sexual experiences, he offers a framework for understanding and improving our relationships with ourselves and others.
Some key takeaways from the book include:
Recognizing that our sexual preferences and behaviors are shaped by complex psychological factors, often rooted in childhood experiences.
Understanding the inherent tensions between love and sex, and between domestic life and erotic passion.
Approaching rejection with a more balanced perspective, seeing it as a product of chemistry rather than a judgment of our worth.
Acknowledging the challenges of maintaining sexual excitement in long-term relationships and actively working to keep the spark alive.
Considering the pros and cons of things like pornography and infidelity with nuance rather than blanket moral judgments.
Prioritizing open, honest communication about sexual desires, concerns, and boundaries.
Cultivating greater self-awareness around our own sexual needs, patterns, and hang-ups.
Striving for self-acceptance of our sexuality as a natural, important part of who we are.
De Botton's approach encourages us to think beyond simplistic notions of sex as either a purely biological function or a mystical, romantic ideal. Instead, he presents it as a complex human experience that deserves careful consideration and ongoing effort to navigate well.
By thinking more deeply about sex, we can hope to cultivate more fulfilling intimate relationships, greater self-understanding, and a healthier integration of our sexual selves with the rest of our lives. While there are no easy answers or one-size-fits-all solutions when it comes to sex, the process of reflection and honest exploration that de Botton advocates can lead us towards more satisfying and authentic sexual experiences.
Ultimately, "How to Think More About Sex" is an invitation to bring more mindfulness, compassion, and wisdom to this fundamental aspect of the human experience. In doing so, we may find not only greater sexual satisfaction but also deeper connections with ourselves and others.