How to Think More About Sex Summary

"Sex isn't the answer. Sex is the question. 'Yes' is the answer." — This bold declaration scratches the surface of the book's exploration of sexual attraction, taboos, and desires, offering readers a guide to better navigate their own experiences.

1. The Biological Basics of Attraction Aren’t the Whole Story

A biological explanation of attraction shows how evolution shapes our desires. Intelligence, strength, and beauty serve as markers of survival and reproductive potential. For instance, intelligence suggests adaptability, strength signals protection, and symmetry in beauty points to good health.

Still, biology doesn’t entirely explain variations in attraction. Deviations from these norms indicate the influence of personality, culture, or individual experiences. A person’s unique taste often reflects deeper emotional or psychological needs, which biology cannot fully address.

Simple pleasures like the act of sex itself or an attraction to unconventional beauty can’t be understood solely by reproductive drives. Questions like why masturbation feels incomplete or a physically appealing partner can still fail to arouse interest highlight the need for a psychological lens.

Examples

• Physical strength attracts because it signals protective capabilities for offspring.
• Facial symmetry’s appeal lies in its link to genetic health.
• People may find individuality like a scar more attractive than textbook beauty, reflecting personal experiences.

2. Our Sexuality Clashes with Social Norms

Society instills a sense of shame and isolation around our bodies and desires. As children grow, they experience love and affection but later face societal constraints that create a gap between physical and emotional intimacy.

Growing norms of self-control and physical distance restrict how people can relate. A handshake or hug becomes acceptable, while deeper physical contact remains taboo. This conditioning fosters embarrassment about our bodies and desires.

Daily formality makes most interactions distant and impersonal. Our deeper, more instinctive sexual selves often conflict with how we aim to appear in society. This dynamic breeds repression as individuals deny feelings they think others won’t accept.

Examples

• Clothes are societal tools for bodily concealment in even the hottest climates.
• A student suppresses sexual fantasies about a teacher to adhere to classroom expectations.
• The created need to maintain physical distance during handshakes symbolizes broader societal detachment.

3. Sex Offers Freedom from Social Judgments

Sex enables individuals to reveal and accept hidden, insecure parts of themselves. The act involves letting go of self-consciousness by embracing vulnerability.

Key moments like a first kiss resonate because they mix acceptance of physical flaws with connection. Partners explore intimate areas of one another’s bodies as a way to break down shame and offer validation.

Sex creates trust by daring to admit desires typically kept secret. When shared desires emerge and are embraced, the barriers created by societal norms erode, making self-acceptance possible.

Examples

• A couple’s comfort with physical flaws deepens as they accept each other’s vulnerabilities.
• A partner hesitant to pull their lover’s hair ultimately finds joy in breaking conventional restraints.
• Exploring taboo desires together builds intimacy and trust.

4. Psychological Needs Shape Our Attractions

While physical beauty matters, psychological demands ultimately influence who attracts us. Beauty hints at qualities beyond aesthetics—qualities we subconsciously crave in relationships.

We are drawn to partners who reflect what we lack emotionally or mentally. If someone feels disorganized, they may gravitate toward someone who appears sharp and focused. The mind connects certain facial features or postures with emotional traits, forming attraction.

Attraction often overlaps with emotional fulfillment. A nose or smile can symbolize traits like kindness or strength, echoing subconscious desires for stability or excitement.

Examples

• Scarlett Johansson’s features might appeal to those desiring confidence and self-assurance.
• Subtle cues like Natalie Portman’s calm demeanor are linked to intellectual allure.
• Rothko’s minimalist art soothes an overanxious viewer much like a calm personality can attract a chaotic partner.

5. Fetishes Are Roadmaps to Our Inner Selves

Fetishes uncover our histories, personal experiences, and subconscious needs. They are more common and less "extreme" than understood, forming around everyday items or sensations linked to earlier life events.

Someone aroused by plain shoes might uncover feelings tied to a caregiver who neglected them emotionally. The shoe becomes a stand-in for yearning for approval that began in childhood. Understanding these symbols aids in self-discovery.

Far from trivial, fetishes are symbols for the qualities we search for in relationships. They reveal hidden truths about personal needs and desires for connection, love, or care.

Examples

• A loafer fetish might stem from a childhood need for maternal attention.
• A wristwatch triggering arousal might symbolize lost parental admiration.
• Childhood experiences often shape seemingly unconnected adult sexual preferences.

6. Love and Sex Deserve Equal Validation

Balancing love and sex prevents unnecessary complications in relationships. When people are honest about whether they seek love or only physical connection, it saves emotional pain down the road.

Love seekers might risk appearing "weak" when admitting their desires. Meanwhile, those who primarily desire sex may avoid judgment by pretending to seek deeper relationships. Miscommunication hurts both parties as intentions diverge.

Recognizing both desires as equally legitimate encourages honesty. Open discussions lessen misunderstandings and reduce the suffering tied to conflicting interests.

Examples

• A man wanting love hides it, fearing rejection as "needy."
• A woman’s clear openness about seeking only sex places her at potential risk of sounding “shallow.”
• Honest intentions upfront avoid the emotional fallout of mismatched expectations.

7. Rejecting Someone Is Not About Their Worth

Rejection feels personal, but it stems from mismatched attraction rather than judgment of one’s value. Attraction operates on subconscious reflexes we can’t control.

Just as people don’t choose which foods they enjoy, they can’t control who they find appealing. Viewing rejection as bad weather—an event outside personal faults—makes it easier to endure.

Rather than overanalyzing rejection, it helps to focus on broader dynamics at play like personal tastes or psychological leanings, rather than seeing it as proof of inadequacy or failure.

Examples

• Attraction to or rejection of someone in a fleeting encounter mirrors automatic reflexes.
• Psychoanalysis explains missed attractions as results of hidden emotional variables.
• Understanding "rejection" avoids spiraling self-loathing.

8. Long-Term Relationships Challenge Desire

In long-term relationships, desire often fades as everyday familiarity replaces early novelty. Nakedness becomes ordinary, and beds once brimming with passion remain untouched.

Rejection within marriage is surprising but common. As couples settle into routines, sexual excitement takes a backseat to daily busyness. Life together breeds familiarity, which can feel comforting but unsexy.

Rather than giving up, couples can reframe how they view one another, rekindling attraction through creative rediscovery or shifting their habits.

Examples

• Casual nudity during mundane routines often stifles arousal.
• Married partners frequently experience unexplained sexual “dry periods” due to familiarity.
• Changing sexual perspectives requires effort without necessarily seeking new partners.

9. Pornography and Adultery Have Limitations

While distractions like pornography or adultery provide escape, they often solve little and can deepen relationship problems. Porn weakens virtues like patience and creativity.

Infidelity tempts as a solution to marital stagnation, but it creates additional wounds. The betrayed and betrayer might jointly share blame for neglect rather than simplifying blame. Cheating feeds into fantasies while sidestepping solving deeper intimacy issues.

Creative efforts like embracing fidelity or actively spicing up dynamics bolster long-term physical and emotional bonds.

Examples

• Adultery disrupts trust and rarely “fixes” relationships as imagined.
• Porn consumes time better spent on meaningful pursuits.
• Couples opening communication around frustrations sidestep infidelity.

Takeaways

1. Be honest with your partner about when you want love or sex to avoid misunderstandings and emotional damage.
2. Reignite passion in long-term relationships by planning activities to foster freshness, such as a romantic hotel retreat or rediscovering your partner visually.
3. Understand fetishes not as abnormalities but as meaningful symbols tied to personal histories, encouraging openness and acceptance.