Labor of Love

What shapes dating? Love, of course, but it's also history, culture, and economics guiding every heart's journey.

1: Industrialization Set the Stage for Public Romances

The Industrial Revolution changed courtship as young women moved into cities for work, breaking away from traditional matchmaking that was previously led by families. These women worked in factories, shops, or as servants, creating opportunities for public interactions between men and women.

Urban living made it difficult for working-class couples to find privacy. Small, crowded spaces at home pushed them into parks, streets, and other public areas to express romantic interest. Public dating became common out of necessity rather than choice.

Meanwhile, the middle class, flourishing in industrial boom times, embraced a different experience called “calling.” Men would visit women in their homes for supervised, private engagements. This practice was only possible for people who could afford privacy, such as larger homes and domestic staff.

Examples

• Factory floors and shops employed women for the first time, bringing them closer to potential partners in cities.
• Couples had to sneak kisses in public areas because private spaces were scarce.
• The middle-class "calling" ritual allowed wealthier individuals to explore love in a controlled environment.

2: Department Store Workers Helped Fuel Consumerism in Dating

Young women employed in department stores, known as shopgirls, influenced the changing landscape of dating in the early 1900s. Their access to luxury goods and exposure to affluent lifestyles drove them to emulate wealthy shoppers, shaping tastes and behaviors associated with courting.

Shopgirls strived to elevate their appearance to attract wealthy suitors. They learned to dress and act like the upper-class women they served. This new attention to aesthetics reshaped how young men and women judged each other in relationships.

Dating itself began reflecting this new world of consumption. Modern dating platforms like Tinder emphasize personal preferences, tastes, and hobbies—consumer traits—rather than personality or emotional depth.

Examples

• Shopgirls adopted luxurious styles to stand out and attract wealthier men.
• The rise of consumerist tendencies evolved matchmaking into a display of taste and lifestyle choices.
• Platforms like Match.com echo this by asking for favorite brands, bands, and foods instead of personal values.

3: Gay and Black Communities Created Their Own Dating Systems

Marginalized groups like gay people and black women faced challenges in finding love in the 1900s. Both created unique cultural responses to navigate societal hurdles and connect romantically.

Gay men developed secret languages and symbols. For instance, using hidden meanings in the word "gay" or wearing subtle clothing cues like a specific accessory indicated sexual preferences without risking exposure in a hostile environment.

Black domestic workers, isolated in homes and unable to visit popular venues, formed "rent parties" in Harlem. These gatherings combined socializing with income support, helping black women meet potential partners while raising money to pay rent.

Examples

• Gay men used subtle head tilts or specific attire like red bow ties to communicate their orientation.
• The secrecy of language kept them safe from legal or social repercussions in anti-homosexual environments.
• Harlem rent parties allowed black women, excluded from formal entertainment venues, to connect with men.

4: The 1950s: Enter “Going Steady”

"Going steady" emerged post-World War II as a trend among young people. It involved choosing a single partner temporarily to signal maturity, different from dating to find a spouse, which their parents had practiced.

This fad practically redefined dating for the younger generation. By the mid-1950s, even children as young as 11 were experimenting with this form of exclusive but temporary partnership.

Concerns erupted among parents, who worried that these new practices would lead to moral decay. Still, the era saw a rise in “petting”—physical intimacy stopping just short of intercourse—as couples explored boundaries.

Examples

• Children as young as 11 participated in "going steady."
• Parents worried about a loss of morality and traditional courtship values.
• Studies from the 1950s showed most married individuals had significant physical contact before marriage.

5: The 1960s Sexual Revolution Changed Everything

The sexual revolution of the 1960s shattered dating norms. Premarital sex and non-monogamy became widely accepted. The younger generation advocated for sexual freedom, arguing sex was natural and shouldn’t be constrained by marriage requirements.

Magazines like Playboy and Cosmopolitan thrived during this period of sexual liberation, though they catered to different audiences. Playboy targeted men exploring sexuality openly, while Cosmopolitan provided women tips on embracing desire and attracting male partners.

This new openness normalized casual dating and short-term arrangements, setting the stage for many practices still familiar today.

Examples

• The 1960s heralded free love, transforming sexual norms across Western societies.
• Playboy became a cultural phenomenon, representing male sexual freedom.
• Cosmopolitan taught women how to navigate and benefit from this sexual liberation.

6: The AIDS Crisis Reshaped Dating with New Precautions

The emergence of AIDS in the early 1980s changed how society viewed sex and dating. The epidemic disproportionately affected gay men but also prompted all communities to reconsider the risks of casual relationships.

Discussions about safe sex entered public discourse, encouraging honesty and preventive measures like condom use. For the first time, sexual health moved center stage in romantic connections.

Educational campaigns led by figures such as US Surgeon General C. Everett Koop reinforced the need for caution, empowering individuals to make informed choices regarding partners and practices.

Examples

• The early term GRID revealed societal bias in linking AIDS exclusively to the gay community.
• Dr. Sonnabend’s booklet "How to Have Sex in an Epidemic" provided actionable advice for safe sexual practices.
• Sexual health education post-AIDS expanded awareness beyond LGBTQ+ communities.

7: Technology Drives Modern Dating Forward

The internet and smartphones revolutionized how people connect. Apps like Tinder and OkCupid simplify finding partners but focus heavily on consumer preferences, echoing trends from the shopgirl era.

These tools offer efficiency but can sometimes commodify relationships, reducing potential mates to profiles and swipes. People prioritize filters like hobbies, physical style, or job titles instead of deeper compatibility.

Despite criticisms, dating apps have fostered countless connections and even shifted long-standing norms, such as reducing stigma around online dating.

Examples

• Dating apps let users match based on preferences like favorite music or books.
• Swipes create instant decisions, often before initial conversations begin.
• Relationships beginning online have grown from taboo to fully mainstream.

8: Economic Stability Still Shapes Romance

Economic trends have always affected relationships. In tough times, marriage or dating expectations shift, often focusing on security rather than passion.

For example, during periods of economic wealth like the early 1900s, elaborate courting rituals flourished in middle and upper classes, showcasing luxury. Conversely, the Great Depression postponed marriages as financial stability took precedence.

The balance of personal choice and pragmatic needs continues today, with many couples delaying marriage to gain financial footing.

Examples

• Middle-class "calling" increased during the boom of the Industrial Revolution.
• Great Depression-era couples avoided commitment amid financial uncertainty.
• Modern couples often prioritize careers and savings before marriage.

9: Progress Reshapes Ideas of Love

Across decades, progress in social movements has transformed what love and relationships look like. Women's rights have empowered them to choose independence over settling. The LGBTQ+ movement has redefined what partnerships mean legally and socially.

Dating today relies less on societal templates and more on personal definitions, freeing individuals to explore what works uniquely for them.

While challenges remain—like reconciling new freedoms with traditional expectations—modern love reflects a wider range of experiences.

Examples

• Feminist influences show women opting for career success over early marriages.
• LGBTQ+ advocates have normalized same-sex marriage worldwide.
• Diverse relationship styles like polyamory have wider acceptance.

Takeaways

1. Use modern tools like dating apps thoughtfully, focusing on compatibility beyond surface preferences.
2. Learn how history and cultural shifts have shaped current dating norms to better understand trends and expectations.
3. Embrace openness and candid conversations in relationships, especially regarding health, past experiences, and future goals.