Liberated Love

“Do you want a better relationship? You’ll have to let the old relationship die so you can create something new.”

1. Great Relationships Require Intentional Work

Building a strong and fulfilling relationship isn’t about luck or compatibility alone. It's about consciously creating something new together.

Many couples, like Cho and Alex, appear perfect on the outside but feel a disconnect within their relationship. They sought help to improve their bond and were told a striking truth: in order to thrive, their old relationship patterns had to be acknowledged and dismantled. Only then could a healthier, more fulfilling connection emerge.

This process requires recognizing that many relationship issues stem from patterns ingrained in childhood. Behaviors learned from family, such as codependency or suppressing feelings to keep peace, often follow individuals into adulthood. Acknowledging these learned behaviors is the first step in changing them.

Examples

• A couple admitted their relationship wasn’t working and committed to creating a better connection, starting fresh.
• Childhood neglect influenced an adult’s difficulty expressing needs in their relationship.
• A partner consistently sacrificed their identity for a relationship until they recognized this pattern wasn't sustainable.

2. Codependency Deteriorates Relationships

Codependency can erode the sense of self, causing partners to rely excessively on each other for emotional fulfillment.

In its essence, codependency involves putting a partner’s needs first, hiding personal feelings, and losing one’s identity in the process. It can feel like walking on eggshells for years to avoid conflict or suppressing emotions until it becomes unbearable. Without understanding these patterns, both individuals and couples struggle to find true satisfaction.

Unpacking these behaviors means taking a long, reflective look at oneself and the relationship. Once identified, steps can be taken to rewrite the narrative and replace codependency with healthier dynamics.

Examples

• A partner found they always said yes to avoid their spouse’s anger, realizing they had no personal boundaries.
• Hidden resentment grew in a marriage due to years of giving up personal desires for the sake of the family.
• One individual learned their codependent patterns stemmed from their role as the peacekeeper in a tense household as a child.

3. The Sacred Pause: A Foundation for Transformation

Taking a pause can be the start of real transformation by allowing time for self-discovery free from usual distractions.

Stepping back, even temporarily, is like a caterpillar becoming a butterfly. By creating a “container” for this pause, new behaviors and insights arise. Defining yeses (helpful actions) and nos (harmful behaviors) helps create structure and clarity during this time.

Kylie’s period of celibacy and time alone allowed her to reconnect with herself, identify what she truly wanted from a partner, and confront habits she wanted to change. A pause creates an intentional space to reset and gain clarity.

Examples

• Kylie committed to three months of celibacy to reflect on past relationships and focus on personal values.
• A digital detox gave a person clarity on how technology was distracting them from real-life connections.
• After a breakup, an individual used a journal to identify unhealthy patterns in past relationships.

4. Setting Boundaries Elevates Self-Respect

Clear boundaries are essential to preserve your energy and focus during transformative periods.

Resistance from others is natural when you set limits, but maintaining these boundaries ensures you prioritize personal growth. It’s not about shutting people out—it’s about guiding them on how to engage with you respectfully.

Dr. Alexandra Solomon’s “Name, Connect, Choose” framework aids this process. By naming the behavior, connecting with emotions, and choosing a constructive response, you empower yourself to protect your space while fostering better communication.

Examples

• Kylie firmly told family members she wasn’t open to their advice about her personal decisions.
• A man communicated to his employer that he needed to leave work on time to prioritize family.
• A daughter lovingly explained to her mother that certain comments about her life choices were hurtful and needed to stop.

5. Love Should Be Liberating, Not Restrictive

Healthy love supports individual growth and mutual respect rather than imposing constraints or obligations.

Following a sacred pause, relationships can restart fresh, free from the patterns that held them back. Love should empower both partners to thrive individually while cherishing the partnership.

When Kylie and Mark resumed their relationship, they redefined their bond as “Relationship 2.0,” built upon growth and honest communication rather than old habits.

Examples

• A couple committed to routine check-ins to ensure their needs were being met while maintaining their individuality.
• One partner chose not to move in together again, valuing separate living spaces to maintain independence.
• After a pause, a pair focused on emotional intimacy rather than rushing into physical closeness.

6. Early Imprints Shape Love Patterns

Our childhood experiences deeply influence how we approach love and relationships as adults.

Neglect, criticism, or unhealthy family dynamics can lead to behaviors like avoiding conflict, seeking external validation, or extreme emotional dependency. Unpacking these imprints allows you to consciously choose a new way to love.

Real love begins when both partners recognize and address their personal histories without blaming one another.

Examples

• Therapy revealed that a man’s inability to express emotions stemmed from a home where feelings were dismissed.
• A woman discovered her need to please everyone came from wanting to keep peace in her childhood family.
• A divorcee realized they sought controlling partners to replicate their controlling parent’s behavior.

7. Singlehood is an Opportunity for Growth

Being alone provides the chance to reconnect with yourself without external influences.

For Kylie, taking a break from dating helped her rediscover her own needs and values. Being single doesn’t have to feel like a lonely void; instead, it can be a time of profound self-discovery.

This time can reveal desires for the future—both personally and in relationships—that are unique to you.

Examples

• Someone started a new hobby during their single period, which became their lifelong passion.
• A person spent months solo traveling, learning self-reliance and independence.
• Journaling helped a single individual define non-negotiable qualities they desired in a future partner.

8. Clarity Comes from Setting Intentions

By defining your intentions, either alone or with a partner, you craft a more purposeful approach to relationships.

Kylie and Mark’s intentional focus on exclusivity and thoughtful choices helped build a stronger bond. Respect and love grew because they chose honesty and alignment over convenience.

Setting intentions ensures your actions align with your values, creating room for deeper, more meaningful connections.

Examples

• A single parent chose to exclusively focus on co-parenting and self-growth for a year.
• A reunited couple committed to weekly conversations about personal goals and relationship dynamics.
• Another pair decided to limit physical intimacy at the start of their union to develop emotional depth.

9. Letting Go of Societal Expectations Frees You

True love and happiness come from authenticity, not conforming to what society deems acceptable.

Instead of playing outdated dating "games,” focus on building relationships based on mutual respect and honesty. You attract the right people when you embrace your genuine self, unapologetically.

Putting societal pressures aside lets you form connections that celebrate, rather than stifle, individuality.

Examples

• A man declined casual dating norms to prioritize meaningful connections.
• A woman decided to stop focusing on reaching life milestones (like marriage by 30) and instead followed her heart.
• A couple vowed to prioritize their happiness over societal pressures to have children.

Takeaways

1. Take a pause to reflect and reset your relationship patterns by creating a structured space for self-discovery.
2. Set clear boundaries with others and use the "Name, Connect, Choose" framework to reinforce them with clarity.
3. Approach love authentically by defining intentions and focusing on mutual respect, not societal pressures.