Love Sense

Introduction

Love is a powerful force that has captivated humans for millennia. It's been the subject of countless poems, songs, and stories throughout history. Yet despite our fascination with love, it remains somewhat of a mystery. What exactly is love? How does it work? And most importantly, how can we create and maintain loving relationships that stand the test of time?

In her book "Love Sense," relationship expert Sue Johnson aims to demystify love and provide a scientific understanding of how romantic relationships function. Drawing on the latest research in psychology and neuroscience, Johnson presents a new perspective on love that is grounded in our biological need for emotional connection and attachment.

This book summary will explore the key ideas in "Love Sense," including:

• Why love is essential for human wellbeing and survival
• How our need for attachment shapes our romantic relationships
• The stages relationships go through and how to navigate them
• Strategies for repairing emotional bonds and resolving conflicts
• How to create lasting love built on a foundation of emotional safety

Whether you're single, in a new relationship, or have been with your partner for years, the insights in this book can help you develop your "love sense" and create more fulfilling romantic connections.

Love: An Essential Human Need

Love is hard to define but crucial to the human experience

Throughout history, people have struggled to define and understand love. The ancient Greeks identified four different types of love, including eros (passionate love) and agape (selfless love). Poets and writers have long grappled with capturing the essence of love in their work. Even today, there's no single agreed-upon definition of what love is.

While love may elude precise definition, one thing is clear - it's an essential part of the human experience. We all have an innate desire and need for love, even if we can't fully explain or rationalize it.

In modern Western society, love has taken on even greater importance. For the first time in history, romantic love is now the primary reason people get together and form partnerships. In the past, marriage was often an economic arrangement or a way to build alliances between families. Today, we seek out romantic relationships primarily for emotional fulfillment and connection.

This shift means that our romantic partnerships have become the central relationships in many people's lives. Understanding how love works is more crucial than ever before.

Love relationships are our primary bonds in an age of social isolation

In today's world, many people are more socially isolated than ever before. We often live far from our families and childhood communities. Many of us live alone - over 30 million Americans lived by themselves as of 2010, compared to just 4 million in 1950.

Technology has also contributed to growing disconnection. We spend more time interacting with screens than with other humans. Remote work and digital communication have reduced face-to-face interactions.

As a result, for many adults, their romantic partner has become their primary or even only close relationship. Studies show that an increasing number of people report that their partner is the only person they can confide in.

This means our romantic relationships now have to fulfill multiple roles. Our partners aren't just lovers - they're our best friends, our entire family, and our main source of emotional support and connection. The pressure this puts on our love relationships makes it even more important to understand how to nurture and sustain them.

Science shows humans are designed for monogamy and lifelong bonding

There's an ongoing debate about whether humans are "naturally" monogamous. Some argue that long-term partnerships go against our biology and that humans aren't meant to mate for life. After all, only about 7% of mammals are monogamous species.

However, scientific evidence suggests that humans are in fact biologically wired for monogamy and lifelong bonding. A key factor is the hormone oxytocin, sometimes called the "cuddle hormone" or "love hormone."

Oxytocin is released during moments of emotional connection and bonding, like breastfeeding, orgasm, and affectionate touch. It promotes feelings of attachment between parents and children, as well as between romantic partners.

Studies on voles (small rodents) provide compelling evidence for oxytocin's role in monogamy. Prairie voles, which have oxytocin receptors in their brains, form lifelong pair bonds. Montane voles, which lack these receptors, do not form lasting partnerships. When scientists boost oxytocin in prairie voles, it intensifies their bonding behaviors.

Humans, like prairie voles, have oxytocin systems that support pair bonding. While not everyone chooses monogamy, we are biologically prepared for it. Our bodies and brains are designed to form deep, lasting attachments to a romantic partner.

Emotional dependency is healthy and beneficial

In Western culture, there's often a belief that emotional independence is a sign of maturity and strength. We celebrate when young adults move out on their own and learn to be self-sufficient. In romantic relationships, we may be wary of partners who seem too emotionally dependent on each other.

However, research shows that emotional dependency in relationships is actually healthy and beneficial. Having a secure emotional bond with a partner improves our mental and physical wellbeing in numerous ways:

• It lowers blood pressure and strengthens the immune system
• It helps us cope better with stress and trauma
• It provides a sense of safety that allows us to confidently explore the world
• It gives us resilience in the face of life's challenges

On the flip side, prolonged isolation and lack of loving contact is extremely detrimental to human health. Studies on prisoners in solitary confinement show it can lead to paranoia, depression, anxiety, hallucinations, and memory loss. Many describe it as a "living death."

Rather than making us weak, having a partner we can depend on actually makes us stronger. When we feel securely attached to our partner, we have a stable base from which we can confidently go out into the world and pursue our goals and dreams.

Understanding Attachment in Adult Relationships

Adult romantic bonds are an extension of childhood attachment

To understand adult romantic relationships, we need to look at how humans form attachments from infancy. British psychiatrist John Bowlby developed attachment theory based on the idea that the parent-child bond shapes how we connect with others throughout our lives.

As children, we depend on our parents or caregivers for love, protection, and emotional support. Bowlby proposed that this need for attachment doesn't end in childhood - it continues into adulthood. We simply transfer our attachment needs from our parents to our romantic partners.

Our early attachment experiences create internal working models of relationships that influence our adult bonds. If we had secure attachments as children, we're more likely to form healthy attachments as adults. If our early bonds were unstable or disrupted, we may struggle more with intimacy and trust.

Understanding attachment theory helps explain many dynamics in adult relationships:

• Why we seek comfort and reassurance from partners when stressed
• How separation or disconnection triggers anxiety and distress
• Why feeling securely attached gives us confidence to explore independently
• How attachment injuries in childhood can create relationship difficulties later

Viewing adult love through the lens of attachment gives us insight into our deepest relationship needs and behaviors.

Relationship distress stems from fear of losing our emotional "safe haven"

When couples get stuck in cycles of conflict and disconnection, the root cause is often fear of losing the attachment bond. We rely on our partners to be our emotional "safe haven" - a secure base that offers comfort and support. When that bond feels threatened, it triggers primal fears of abandonment and isolation.

This explains why seemingly minor issues can escalate into major arguments. A partner forgetting an anniversary or failing to do household chores isn't just annoying - it can feel like a sign that they don't care or that the relationship is in jeopardy. The resulting anger and criticism are often attempts to re-establish connection and get reassurance.

Understanding this dynamic is key to resolving relationship conflicts. Rather than getting caught up in the surface issues, couples need to recognize and address the underlying attachment fears and needs.

Clearly communicating emotions helps rebuild the bond

When relationships become strained, many couples fall into destructive patterns of criticism, defensiveness, and withdrawal. To break these cycles, partners need to learn to communicate their deeper emotions clearly and vulnerably.

For example, instead of angrily accusing a partner of being selfish, one could say "I'm feeling hurt and scared that I'm not important to you." This allows the other person to respond with empathy and reassurance rather than becoming defensive.

Expressing fears and insecurities openly, rather than masking them with anger or withdrawal, helps partners understand each other's attachment needs. This creates opportunities to offer comfort and rebuild the emotional connection.

Learning to communicate emotions effectively takes practice. It requires slowing down, looking beneath surface reactions, and being willing to be vulnerable. But it's a crucial skill for maintaining a strong attachment bond.

Stages of Love and How to Navigate Them

Relationships go through distinct phases that require renewing emotional bonds

Long-term romantic relationships typically progress through several key stages:

1. The spellbound phase - initial infatuation and falling in love
2. Formal bonding - deeper commitment (e.g. moving in together, marriage)
3. Parenthood (for those who have children)
4. Mature love - after children leave home

Each of these transitions can put strain on the relationship as roles and dynamics shift. Even the most secure couples may struggle to adapt. It's important to recognize these stages and consciously work to renew emotional connections during times of change.

The parenthood phase is often especially challenging for couples

Becoming parents is a major life transition that significantly impacts relationships. New parents often feel isolated from each other as their time and energy becomes focused on childcare. Intimacy and sex often take a backseat to the demands of parenting.

To navigate this stage successfully, couples need to find ways to maintain their bond amidst the challenges of raising children. This might involve:

• Carving out regular time to connect as a couple
• Openly discussing changing roles and expectations
• Finding ways to support each other and share parenting responsibilities
• Prioritizing intimacy and physical affection, even if sex is less frequent

With effort and compromise, couples can adapt to the parenting phase while keeping their relationship strong.

Relationships constantly move between harmony and disharmony

Even in healthy relationships, there's a natural ebb and flow between feeling close and connected versus distant or out of sync. This is normal and doesn't mean the relationship is failing.

The key is being able to recognize when you've drifted apart and take steps to come back together. This requires ongoing attention and effort to maintain the emotional bond. Successful couples are able to weather the inevitable ups and downs by consistently turning towards each other and renewing their attachment.

Strategies for Strengthening Your Relationship

Focus on creating emotional safety and connection

The foundation of a lasting relationship is a sense of emotional safety and secure attachment. Partners need to feel they can count on each other for comfort, support, and reassurance. Some ways to foster this include:

• Being consistently responsive to each other's emotional needs
• Offering comfort and reassurance during times of stress
• Expressing appreciation and affection regularly
• Creating rituals of connection (e.g. daily check-ins, weekly date nights)
• Being physically affectionate

When partners feel emotionally safe with each other, it creates resilience to weather conflicts and challenges.

Learn to recognize and interrupt negative interaction patterns

Most distressed couples get stuck in predictable patterns of negative interaction. Common examples include:

• Criticism → Defensiveness → Withdrawal
• Blame → Counter-blame
• Pursue → Withdraw

Learning to recognize these patterns is the first step to changing them. When you notice a negative cycle starting, take a pause and try to respond differently. Focus on expressing your own feelings vulnerably rather than attacking or withdrawing.

Repair emotional injuries promptly

Small emotional injuries are inevitable in relationships. Maybe your partner forgot an important date or said something hurtful during an argument. When these hurts aren't addressed, they can fester and create distance.

Make a habit of promptly repairing emotional disconnections:

• Acknowledge the hurt
• Take responsibility for your part
• Express genuine remorse
• Offer comfort and reassurance
• Discuss how to avoid similar hurts in the future

Quick repairs prevent small issues from becoming major rifts.

Have regular conversations about your relationship

Many couples only discuss their relationship when there are problems. But having ongoing conversations about your bond, even when things are going well, helps keep your connection strong.

Try having a "State of the Union" discussion periodically where you talk about:

• What's going well in the relationship
• Areas you'd like to improve
• Your hopes and dreams for the future
• How you can support each other better

These conversations help you stay attuned to each other and address small issues before they become big problems.

Keep learning and growing together

Successful long-term relationships require a willingness to keep evolving together. Some ways to do this:

• Try new activities or hobbies as a couple
• Take relationship education classes together
• Read relationship books and discuss them
• See a couples therapist for tune-ups, even when things are going well
• Support each other's individual growth and self-improvement efforts

A growth mindset helps relationships stay dynamic and fulfilling over time.

Healing Relationship Wounds

Past attachment injuries can create ongoing relationship problems

Early experiences of abandonment, rejection, or unreliable caregiving can create deep-seated attachment fears and insecurities. These attachment injuries from childhood often get triggered in adult romantic relationships, leading to:

• Difficulty trusting and opening up emotionally
• Intense fears of abandonment
• Tendency to push partners away to avoid getting hurt
• Becoming overly clingy or demanding reassurance
• Reacting with anger or withdrawal to perceived rejection

Recognizing how past wounds impact current relationships is an important step in healing. With awareness, couples can work together to create new, more secure attachment experiences.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can help repair damaged bonds

For couples struggling with ongoing conflicts or disconnection, seeking professional help can be beneficial. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is an approach developed by the author that has been shown to be highly effective for healing relationship distress.

EFT helps couples:

• Identify negative interaction cycles they're stuck in
• Access and express deeper emotions and attachment needs
• Create new patterns of emotional engagement and responsiveness
• Heal attachment injuries from the past and present
• Build a more secure emotional bond

Through EFT, even severely distressed couples can learn to repair their connection and create lasting positive change in their relationship.

Affair recovery requires rebuilding trust and emotional safety

Infidelity is one of the most painful betrayals a relationship can face. Recovering from an affair is possible, but it requires dedicated effort from both partners to rebuild trust and emotional security.

Key steps in affair recovery include:

• The unfaithful partner taking full responsibility and showing genuine remorse
• Complete transparency about the affair and ongoing behavior
• The hurt partner expressing their pain and having it fully heard
• Exploring the relationship issues that contributed to the affair
• Rebuilding emotional intimacy and connection
• Creating new patterns of openness and responsiveness
• Recommitting to the relationship and creating a new vision for the future

With time and effort, many couples are able to heal from infidelity and create an even stronger bond. However, this process often benefits from professional support.

Creating Lasting Love

Build a foundation of emotional attunement and responsiveness

The bedrock of a lasting relationship is emotional attunement - the ability to tune into and respond to each other's emotional needs. This creates a deep sense of being seen, understood, and cared for.

To foster attunement:

• Pay close attention to your partner's emotional cues
• Ask about their feelings and experiences
• Validate their emotions, even if you don't agree
• Offer comfort and support when they're distressed
• Share your own emotions openly and vulnerably
• Respond promptly to bids for connection

With practice, attunement becomes second nature and creates a strong, secure attachment.

Create rituals of connection

Happy couples create regular rituals that help them stay connected amidst the busyness of life. These might include:

• A daily check-in to share highlights and lowlights
• Weekly date nights
• Annual relationship retreats
• Nightly cuddle time before bed
• Morning goodbye kisses
• Regular expressions of appreciation

Find rituals that work for your relationship and prioritize them. These touchpoints of connection keep your bond strong.

Maintain physical and sexual intimacy

Physical affection and sexual connection are important for maintaining romantic love long-term. Make an effort to:

• Express affection through touch regularly (hugs, kisses, hand holding, etc.)
• Prioritize sex and intimacy, even during busy times
• Talk openly about your sexual needs and desires
• Try new things to keep your sex life exciting
• Focus on emotional connection during sex

Remember that intimacy isn't just about sex - emotional intimacy and non-sexual affection are equally important for feeling close and connected.

Support each other's growth and dreams

Long-lasting love requires a balance of security and growth. Create a relationship where you feel safe and supported, but also encouraged to keep evolving as individuals. Ways to do this:

• Take an interest in each other's passions and goals
• Encourage each other to try new things and take on challenges
• Celebrate each other's accomplishments
• Be willing to adapt and grow together as a couple
• Support time for individual pursuits and friendships

When partners feel supported in their personal growth, it strengthens their bond as a couple.

Choose love every day

Lasting love isn't just about finding the right person - it's about being the right partner. Love is a verb, not just a feeling. It requires daily choices to:

• Be kind and generous, even when you don't feel like it
• Forgive mistakes and let go of grudges
• Express appreciation and affection
• Make your partner a priority
• Work on yourself and the relationship

By consistently choosing loving actions, you create an upward spiral of positivity in your relationship.

Conclusion

Love may always retain an element of mystery, but science has revealed a great deal about how romantic bonds work. Understanding the biological and psychological underpinnings of attachment can help us create stronger, more fulfilling relationships.

Key takeaways from "Love Sense" include:

• Humans are biologically wired for emotional connection and attachment
• Adult romantic love is an extension of early attachment bonds
• Emotional dependency in relationships is healthy and beneficial
• Relationship distress often stems from attachment fears and needs
• Creating a sense of emotional safety is crucial for lasting love
• Relationships go through stages that require renewing our connection
• We can learn skills to communicate emotions and resolve conflicts
• With effort and understanding, it's possible to create love that lasts

By developing our "love sense" - our ability to create and maintain secure emotional bonds - we can experience the profound benefits of lasting romantic love. While relationships will always have ups and downs, the tools and insights in this book provide a roadmap for creating love that stands the test of time.