Love Unfu*ked

Fixing your relationships begins with confronting the toughest challenge of all – yourself.

1. Relationships Are Like Leaky Tires

Your relationship may be functional but not fulfilling, much like riding a bike with a slightly flat tire. Many of us ignore the "leaks" in our relationships and keep pumping temporary fixes into them. This leads to a cycle where small problems become routine and slowly drain the joy and satisfaction from the connection. Instead of tolerating mediocrity, it's time to address issues head-on.

Acknowledging the flaws in your relationship requires brutal honesty with yourself. Are you clinging to an ideal of what a relationship "should look like," or are you letting resentment fester over unmet expectations? This step challenges you to identify if you’re trying to force your partner to fill voids that only you can address.

Fixing the leaky tire means owning up to your role in the problem and shifting your focus inward. After all, the only thing you can truly control is yourself – your reactions, your emotions, and your perspective. Once you take that responsibility, real change becomes possible.

Examples

• Repeatedly arguing over shared chores, blaming your partner without considering your own contributions.
• Ignoring dissatisfaction in a long-term relationship, hoping the problem will "work itself out."
• Comparing your relationship to an unrealistic ideal and silently resenting your partner for not meeting it.

2. Your Words Should Match Your Actions

Trust in a relationship relies on consistency between what you say and what you do. Often, people declare promises or share vows with the best intentions but fail to back them up consistently. This inconsistency undermines trust and creates disconnection over time.

Modern relationships often suffer from a lack of weight in words. For example, wedding vows – once solemn, binding commitments – are now viewed by many as part of a ritual, rather than a true promise. Making your words meaningful again is one of the foundations of building or restoring trust.

To repair or strengthen your bond, treat your words as sacred. Create meaningful vows, even if they’re not related to marriage, and commit to following through. Being accountable to your promises will not only bolster trust but also set a strong standard for your relationship.

Examples

• Declaring to your partner that you’ll always be there when they need you, but then avoiding difficult conversations.
• Promising to change a habit, like chronic lateness, and consistently putting in the effort to follow through.
• Telling your partner you value honesty and modeling that by admitting your own slip-ups.

3. Know and Live Your Relationship Values

Values guide how you handle challenges and interact with others, yet most people fail to define their relationship values clearly. It’s easy to say you value love or trust, but if your actions don’t align with those words, the values are meaningless. Without clear alignment, relationships often falter under pressure.

Start by making a list of what you believe a relationship should embody. Loyalty, passion, and support might come to mind. Notice where gaps exist between these ideals and your current relationship and actions. Understanding what matters to you is the first step to living those values.

Living your values in a relationship means acting on them, regardless of whether your partner does the same. Shift your focus toward nurturing the relationship itself rather than expecting something in return. Change how you give to the relationship, and you’ll notice how it starts to grow.

Examples

• Always showing empathy, even during heated arguments, if compassion is one of your values.
• Remaining honest, even when it feels uncomfortable or inconvenient.
• Recommitting to being attentive and present because your values center connection over distraction.

4. Focus On Yourself in the Relationship Dance

Relationships aren’t battles to win; they’re dances where your performance depends only on improving your own moves. In other words, instead of trying to "fix" your partner, focus on what you can control – your reactions, effort, and behavior.

Shifting attention to yourself helps you break the cycle of blame. If arguments feel repetitive, it’s often because both sides are stuck in unhelpful patterns. When you correct your actions, your partner may follow suit. But even if they don’t, you’ve improved your side of the partnership.

Addressing your faults doesn’t mean ignoring harmful behavior from your partner. It simply means prioritizing your growth so you can create the relationship you want, either with them or independently.

Examples

• Choosing patience instead of snapping back when your partner is stressed and irritable.
• Working on your own communication skills instead of criticizing your partner for their silence or lack of expression.
• Practicing gratitude daily without needing your partner to reciprocate.

5. Deal Breakers Shouldn’t Hide in the Shadows

Everyone has limits in relationships, but they’re often left unspoken until they’re crossed. Defining your deal breakers early gives both you and your partner clarity about what’s non-negotiable, preventing confusion and resentment down the road.

Deal breakers aren’t always absolute. Infidelity, for instance, might end a relationship for one couple but lead to repair and healing for another. Reframe deal breakers as lines in the sand that require reevaluation and serious conversation when crossed.

Communicating your boundaries doesn’t just prepare you for potential difficulties – it strengthens your relationship. When both partners know where they stand, trust and respect can grow.

Examples

• Discussing financial infidelity as a boundary where transparency and honesty are a must.
• Navigating disagreements on future goals, like having children, by opening up about deal breakers early.
• Revisiting crossed boundaries like betrayal and deciding together how to move forward.

6. Breakup Preparedness Strengthens Relationships

Approaching breakups with dignity and self-awareness isn’t about inviting endings; it’s about staying aligned with your values through every outcome. Having an "emotional escape plan" lets you confront your fears about separation and act with grace if it happens.

It’s possible to prepare while strengthening your commitment. Clarifying your deal breakers, aligning values, and addressing personal growth all work toward either mending an existing partnership or setting you up to leave honorably, if necessary.

Breaking up doesn’t mean failure. It’s sometimes essential to becoming your authentic self. Recognizing when to let go can be as transformative as fighting to stay.

Examples

• Deciding to end a toxic relationship after giving clear warnings and working to fix issues.
• Ending things gracefully by calmly explaining your reasons and avoiding personal attacks.
• Separating amicably after acknowledging that you and your partner have grown apart.

7. Take Ownership – You’re in Charge

Good relationships are built on accountability, not blame. Taking ownership means accepting your role in the good and bad times, empowering you to make the changes you need.

When problems occur, avoid the temptation to focus on your partner's shortcomings. Instead, ask questions like, "What am I contributing to this issue?" Change within yourself begins a ripple effect that can influence the entire relationship.

Ownership also extends to self-awareness. Catch yourself in destructive patterns and address them quickly. Taking charge of your emotional reactions and habits can drastically shift how your relationship feels.

Examples

• Noticing that you’ve been emotionally distant and openly discussing it instead of snapping at your partner.
• Reflecting on how you’ve handled disagreements and resolving to listen more actively.
• Committing to work on jealousy without unfairly blaming your partner.

8. Commit to Loving the Struggle

Relationships take ongoing work, but resisting that effort leads many to dissatisfaction. Instead of dreading challenges, start embracing them as opportunities to grow deeper connections and gain self-awareness.

Every argument, misunderstanding, or frustration is a chance to practice patience, forgiveness, or vulnerability. By committing to see difficulties as part of the process, you stop viewing conflict as catastrophic.

Appreciate the journey of building something worthwhile. Perfect relationships don’t exist, but stronger, healthier ones can be created with persistence and care.

Examples

• Seeing arguments as opportunities to understand your partner’s perspective better.
• Viewing periods of low passion as a sign to reinvest in romance and connection.
• Accepting your emotional triggers as areas to grow without judgment.

9. Real Change Begins With You

True transformation in relationships starts when you look inward instead of pointing fingers outward. Control what you can: your behavior, your thoughts, and your actions. On this foundation, healthier dynamics can be built.

Relationships are a mirror – they reflect both the love and the struggles inside you. This perspective motivates you to keep learning, evolving, and contributing to the relationship actively.

Whether single or partnered, focusing on self-awareness and proactive effort ensures that you’re constantly improving the one part of relationships you can control – yourself.

Examples

• Taking a pause during arguments to express yourself calmly rather than lashing out.
• Reflecting on behaviors like chronic defensiveness and resolving to stay open-minded.
• Dropping victimhood narratives, like "Why doesn’t my partner understand me?" and working toward mutual understanding.

Takeaways

1. Set clear, personal relationship values and live by them every day.
2. Commit to aligning your actions with your words to build stronger trust.
3. Take ownership of what you can control to improve your relationship, starting with yourself.