Love Worth Making

Great sex isn’t about techniques or tricks—it’s about connecting with your partner's deepest desires while honoring your own.

1. Nurture your sexual self for true arousal

True arousal goes beyond physical stimulation—it involves a state of emotional connection and self-awareness. To reach this state, individuals must nurture their sexual selves, which are guided by feelings of honesty and vulnerability. Force or coercion, even internally, can shut down the sexual self and lead to unfulfilling experiences.

The sexual self thrives when it feels safe, respected, and free to express its genuine desires. It operates in the delicate space where gratitude, emotional connection, and vulnerability blend with physical intimacy. This requires creating the right conditions that encourage arousal organically instead of trying to fit into societal expectations or formulas for "good sex."

For instance, Carmen struggled with arousal because of feelings of inadequacy and self-criticism. By shifting her mindset, embracing her natural preferences, and addressing her misguided beliefs of being "damaged," she created space for her sexual self to flourish. This led to deeper intimacy with her husband, Scott.

Examples

• Carmen's arousal improved when she rejected societal notions of what her orgasms "should" be like.
• She found comfort in staying in spaces where she felt most alive, such as the couch.
• Accepting her unique preferences allowed her to genuinely connect with her husband during intimate moments.

2. Sex should feel joyful, not like a task

Sex should be a source of pleasure and joy—not a chore to check off a list. When intimacy begins to feel like an obligation, the excitement and passion often disappear. This happens when people focus too much on pleasing their partner or meeting expectations instead of simply enjoying the moment.

Your sexual self craves genuine connection and passion, which includes moments of selfish enjoyment. It finds fulfillment when your partner adores and desires you without seeing intimacy as a duty. Erotic energy thrives when both partners actively want each other, allowing indulgence in mutual pleasure without pressure.

Jill, for example, struggled with shame surrounding her fantasies during intimacy. By understanding that her arousal came from deep-seated emotions rather than trivial fantasy, she learned to let go of her anxiety. In doing so, she reclaimed her enjoyment, making sex less about performance and more about connection.

Examples

• Jill reframed her fantasy-based arousal as a natural part of her emotional landscape.
• Focusing on personal pleasure inspired Jill and her husband Peter to explore intimacy as a fun, shared experience.
• Letting go of the “chore mentality” allowed Jill to lose herself in erotic moments without guilt or shame.

3. The art of pursuit keeps passion alive

In relationships, women often feel the need to be pursued to feel desired. This dynamic can change over time, especially after the initial stages of a relationship, when complacency starts to set in. The art of pursuit involves making the other person feel chosen and appreciated through small, consistent gestures.

Many women, like Melissa, are frustrated when their partners stop initiating sex. While men might feel secure in their partnerships, women often see the absence of pursuit as a lack of interest or passion. Sustaining desire requires effort from both partners to maintain this sense of courtship.

Melissa's husband, Rob, learned about simmering—a practice of low-pressure, affectionate interactions that build desire over time. Simmering transformed their relationship, creating ongoing moments of excitement without needing immediate physical intimacy.

Examples

• Rob rediscovered the importance of initiating physical and emotional closeness with Melissa.
• "Simmering" helped maintain an underlying erotic tension, creating a playful sense of anticipation.
• Small gestures like passionate embraces allowed Melissa to feel valued and desired.

4. Recognizing and untangling sex knots

Sex knots occur when unresolved emotions, misunderstandings, or past patterns disrupt a couple’s intimacy. Untangling these knots requires reflection, communication, and a willingness to approach intimacy differently. Addressing these emotional blocks can help reignite passion.

David and Gwen, for instance, found themselves trapped in a cycle where his emotional withdrawal made her feel undesired, prompting criticism, which only worsened his detachment. Identifying these patterns and exploring their emotional roots helped the couple reconnect.

Giving voice to unspoken frustrations and acknowledging vulnerabilities became their first step toward breaking the cycle. With time, David and Gwen learned to approach each other with renewed openness and understanding, rediscovering what brought them together.

Examples

• Gwen’s criticism was rooted in her need for connection, while David’s withdrawal stemmed from feeling unappreciated.
• Communication helped them understand each other's emotional triggers.
• As David became more present, Gwen’s need for constant critique diminished.

5. The balance of selfishness and generosity in bed

Passionate intimacy requires a balance between giving and taking. While generosity in bed demonstrates care, excessive focus on your partner’s pleasure can make intimacy feel transactional or insincere. Both partners must allow room for selfish enjoyment to create authentic sexual chemistry.

Our erotic selves seek acknowledgment and confidence through our partner's desire for us. This balance is disrupted when one person overly prioritizes “servicing” the other. Expressing your own pleasure not only enriches intimacy but also fosters mutual respect and enjoyment.

For example, couples who share moments of uninhibited passion—like stealing quick kisses or exploring sensual touches without any agenda—often cultivate deeper bonds. This approach allows them to connect on a playful, eager level, avoiding the rigidity of obligation.

Examples

• Prioritizing individual pleasure enhanced emotional and physical satisfaction for couples.
• Focusing on shared desire over duty led to deeper, more fulfilling connections.
• Embracing passion created opportunities to rediscover forgotten facets of attraction.

6. Addressing underlying emotional wounds improves sexual connection

Unresolved childhood trauma or patterns can shape adult relationships in ways that hinder intimacy. Often, people unconsciously reenact these unresolved dynamics with their partners, creating barriers to genuine closeness. Awareness and healing can lead to meaningful change.

Sarina and Jo, for instance, struggled with neglect that stemmed from their childhoods. Sarina’s resistance to her partner’s affection mirrored her parents’ neglect, while Jo’s eagerness to embrace coldness reflected her inability to feel deserving of love. Releasing these patterns through the mindfulness exercise "sensate focus" allowed the couple to reconnect.

Healing old wounds often involves dissecting the origins of emotional responses and building a safe environment for intimacy to flourish. Practicing mindfulness helps partners engage fully with their feelings without judgment.

Examples

• "Sensate focus" exercises helped Sarina and Jo reconnect with their natural desires.
• Recognizing their shared emotional pain gave the couple tools to rebuild intimacy.
• Mindful touch encouraged deep emotional and physical connection.

7. Accept change but stand your ground

Relationships constantly evolve, and navigating these changes requires patience, openness, and mutual respect. Both partners need to assert their needs while being prepared to adapt, especially when one partner changes faster than the other.

For David and Gwen, standing their ground became a way to address uncertain moments in their relationship. When David underwent positive behavioral shifts, Gwen initially resisted the new dynamic but eventually embraced it by engaging in honest conversations about her feelings.

Accepting change also requires overcoming fear. Gwen’s willingness to sit with discomfort led to mutual growth and a deeper understanding of intimacy within their marriage.

Examples

• David’s diagnosis of ADHD prompted positive personal growth.
• Gwen hesitantly addressed her fears but learned to trust the process of change.
• Honest communication allowed the couple to establish new dynamics for intimacy.

8. Small acts of desire make a big difference

Keeping passion alive in long-term relationships doesn’t require grand gestures—it thrives in small, meaningful moments of desire. Simple acknowledgments of your partner’s attractiveness or effort can rekindle excitement and foster a sense of being loved.

Simmering, for instance, highlights the importance of these small moments. A quick embrace, a playful flirtation, or a compliment can build anticipation without pressure, keeping couples connected both emotionally and physically.

These gestures remind partners of the early stages of their love story, subtly renewing feelings of intimacy over time.

Examples

• Passionate kisses between busy schedules kept couples energized.
• Compliments on appearance reminded partners of their mutual attraction.
• Playfully teasing one another recaptured early relationship dynamics.

9. Trust the erotic moment without judgment

Great sex happens when partners give themselves fully to the present moment, free from judgment or self-criticism. Trusting the flow of emotions allows for deeper connection and more meaningful experiences.

Embracing this philosophy encourages couples to let go of the need for control or perfection. It’s not about meeting expectations but about surrendering to the act of love, as seen with Sarina and Jo’s transformative mindfulness exercise.

This mindset creates space for vulnerability and passion, turning intimacy into a shared journey of discovery.

Examples

• Sarina let go of her critical thoughts and experienced genuine connection with Jo.
• Accepting imperfections allowed couples to approach intimacy more openly.
• Mindful attention to each other’s bodies fostered a sense of trust and safety.

Takeaways

1. Identify and challenge automatic negative thoughts (ANTs) during sex to stay present and connected to the moment.
2. Focus on balancing selfish desires with generosity in bed to build authentic intimacy and passion with your partner.
3. Practice small gestures of flirtation and simmering to keep erotic energy alive in everyday life.