Introduction
In today's world, we're bombarded with sexual content, advice, and products promising to spice up our love lives. Yet, many couples in committed relationships still struggle to maintain a satisfying sex life. Stephen Snyder's book "Love Worth Making" offers a fresh perspective on how to achieve lasting erotic connection with your partner.
This book summary will explore the key ideas presented by Snyder, providing insights into nurturing your sexual self, understanding the importance of true arousal, and navigating the emotional landscape of a long-term relationship. By the end, you'll have a better understanding of how to cultivate a fulfilling and passionate sex life with your partner.
The Importance of True Arousal
Snyder argues that the common notion of sex as simply "friction plus fantasy" is inadequate for maintaining a satisfying sex life in a long-term relationship. Instead, he emphasizes the importance of achieving true arousal, which involves three psychological changes:
- Feeling captivated and losing sense of time
- Regressing to a more primitive, selfish state of mind
- Feeling good about oneself and truly seen by one's partner
To reach this state of true arousal, Snyder introduces the concept of "rules of the heart." These are not rigid guidelines to follow but rather principles to understand and internalize. By doing so, couples can create the ideal conditions for arousal to thrive.
Nurturing Your Sexual Self
At the core of Snyder's approach is the idea of the "sexual self." This is a highly personal, erotic feeling characterized by gratitude and awe rather than mere lust. The sexual self is honest but has a limited vocabulary, mostly consisting of "yes" or "no." Trying to force a "no" into a "yes" is a recipe for bad sex.
Snyder emphasizes that individuals are responsible for their own arousal. He illustrates this point with the story of Carmen, who struggled to feel aroused during sex with her husband Scott. By taking responsibility for her arousal and creating the right conditions, Carmen was able to reconnect with her sexual self and ultimately experience more satisfying intimacy with her partner.
The author also stresses the importance of accepting one's sexual self, including any perceived "flaws" or unconventional preferences. This acceptance is crucial for nurturing a healthy sexual self and experiencing fulfilling sexual experiences.
Sex Should Never Feel Like Work
Another key principle in Snyder's book is that sex should never feel like work. He explains that while being generous in bed is important, it's not inherently erotic. In fact, partners often find it most pleasurable when their lover selfishly takes pleasure from being with them.
This concept is illustrated through the story of Jill and Peter. Jill struggled with shame surrounding her sexual fantasies, which she used to reach climax. By understanding the origins of her fantasy and learning to be kinder to her sexual self, Jill was able to enjoy sex without feeling pressured or ashamed.
Snyder emphasizes that sex therapy is about embracing what feels natural and easy, rather than putting oneself under pressure to perform or conform to certain expectations.
The Importance of Feeling Desired
While acknowledging that generalizations about male and female desire have many exceptions, Snyder notes that certain patterns often emerge in heterosexual relationships. One such pattern is the importance for women to feel desired and pursued by their male partners.
The author uses the analogy of "rat foreplay" to illustrate this point, explaining how female rats enjoy being chased by male rats before mating. This desire to be pursued is often mirrored in human relationships, where women may feel less desired if their male partners stop initiating sexual encounters.
To maintain erotic energy in a relationship, Snyder introduces the concept of "simmering." This involves creating brief moments of excitement with your partner, even when sex isn't immediately possible. Simmering helps keep the sexual tension alive and demonstrates ongoing desire, which is particularly important for many women in relationships.
Understanding and Resolving Sex Knots
Snyder introduces the concept of "sex knots," which are situations that arise when sexual selves don't respond as desired, leading to reactions that worsen the problem. He illustrates this with the story of David and Gwen, whose relationship became entangled in a complex sex knot.
In their case, Gwen's criticism made David feel unaccepted, causing him to withdraw. This withdrawal made Gwen feel undesired, leading to more criticism. The cycle continued until both partners felt disconnected and unsatisfied.
By identifying these sex knots, couples can begin to understand the underlying issues in their relationship and work towards resolving them. In David and Gwen's case, this involved David learning to listen to Gwen's concerns instead of withdrawing, which helped improve their communication and overall relationship.
The Importance of Standing Your Ground
As couples work through their issues, it's common for one partner to make positive changes while the other becomes distant. This can happen either because there's been too much change or not enough. Snyder emphasizes the importance of both partners "standing their ground" during these times of uncertainty and change.
Standing your ground involves advocating for your own needs while remaining open to your partner's perspective. This approach allows couples to navigate the challenges of change within their relationship more effectively.
The author illustrates this concept through David and Gwen's continued story. As David made positive changes in his behavior, Gwen initially struggled to open herself up to the possibility of disappointment. By learning to stand her ground and face her fears, Gwen was able to move forward in the relationship and create space for positive change.
Addressing Remote Causes of Sexual Issues
Sometimes, sexual problems in a relationship have deeper roots than what's immediately apparent. Snyder refers to these as "remote causes," which often stem from childhood experiences and manifest in adult relationships as reenactments of past dramas.
The author shares the story of Sarina and Jo, a lesbian couple who struggled with intimacy issues rooted in their childhood experiences of neglect and emotional coldness. By addressing these remote causes through mindfulness techniques like sensate focus, the couple was able to reconnect on a deeper level and reignite their erotic connection.
Snyder emphasizes that healing these remote causes often involves accepting and nurturing one's sexual self, as well as learning to feel deserving of love and desire from one's partner.
The Power of Mindfulness in Sex
Throughout the book, Snyder highlights the importance of mindfulness in cultivating a satisfying sex life. This involves paying attention to the present moment without judgment, both during sexual encounters and in everyday interactions with your partner.
The author suggests various mindfulness techniques, such as sensate focus, to help couples reconnect with their bodies and each other. These practices can help partners overcome anxiety, self-consciousness, and other mental barriers that may be interfering with their sexual experiences.
By cultivating mindfulness, couples can create a more nurturing environment for their sexual selves and deepen their erotic connection.
Dealing with Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTs)
Snyder addresses the common problem of negative, obsessive thoughts that can interfere with sexual enjoyment. He refers to these as Automatic Negative Thoughts, or ANTs. While some sex advice books recommend replacing these thoughts with positive affirmations, Snyder suggests a different approach.
Instead of trying to force positive thoughts, the author advises acknowledging ANTs when they appear, but not giving them emotional attention. By simply recognizing these thoughts and then refocusing on the present moment, individuals can prevent ANTs from derailing their sexual experiences.
The Role of Selfishness in Good Sex
Contrary to popular belief, Snyder argues that a certain degree of selfishness is essential for good sex. He explains that when partners are too focused on pleasing each other, they may lose touch with their own pleasure and passion. This can lead to sex feeling like work rather than a mutually enjoyable experience.
The author encourages couples to embrace a balance of generosity and selfishness in their sexual encounters. By allowing themselves to selfishly enjoy their partner's body and the sensations they experience, individuals can create a more authentic and passionate sexual connection.
Embracing Vulnerability and Authenticity
Throughout the book, Snyder emphasizes the importance of vulnerability and authenticity in maintaining a satisfying sex life. He encourages readers to embrace their true selves, including their quirks, insecurities, and desires, rather than trying to conform to societal expectations or their partner's perceived preferences.
By being authentic and vulnerable with each other, couples can create a deeper emotional connection that enhances their sexual experiences. This authenticity also allows partners to communicate more effectively about their needs and desires, leading to more satisfying sexual encounters.
The Importance of Emotional Connection
While the book focuses on improving sexual relationships, Snyder consistently emphasizes the crucial role of emotional connection in maintaining a satisfying sex life. He argues that without a strong emotional bond, even the most exciting sexual techniques or toys will ultimately fall short.
The author encourages couples to invest time and energy in nurturing their emotional connection outside of the bedroom. This includes practicing active listening, showing appreciation for one another, and creating opportunities for meaningful conversations and shared experiences.
By strengthening their emotional bond, couples create a solid foundation for a fulfilling and passionate sexual relationship.
Navigating Changes in Desire
Snyder addresses the common issue of mismatched libidos or changes in sexual desire over the course of a long-term relationship. He emphasizes that these changes are normal and can be navigated successfully with patience, understanding, and open communication.
The author suggests various strategies for couples dealing with differences in desire, such as scheduling sex, exploring non-penetrative forms of intimacy, and finding ways to maintain erotic energy through simmering and other techniques. He also encourages partners to be patient with each other and to avoid placing blame or pressure on one another.
The Role of Playfulness and Humor
Throughout the book, Snyder highlights the importance of maintaining a sense of playfulness and humor in a couple's sex life. He argues that taking sex too seriously can create unnecessary pressure and anxiety, which can interfere with arousal and enjoyment.
By embracing a more lighthearted approach to sex, couples can create a more relaxed and enjoyable atmosphere in the bedroom. This can involve incorporating games, role-play, or simply being willing to laugh at awkward moments or mishaps that may occur during intimate encounters.
Overcoming Sexual Shame and Guilt
Snyder addresses the common issues of sexual shame and guilt that many individuals carry from their upbringing or past experiences. He emphasizes the importance of working through these feelings to achieve a healthier and more satisfying sex life.
The author encourages readers to examine the sources of their sexual shame or guilt and to challenge the beliefs that underlie these feelings. He also provides strategies for overcoming these negative emotions, such as practicing self-compassion and seeking support from a therapist or trusted friend.
The Importance of Self-Care
Throughout the book, Snyder emphasizes the role of self-care in maintaining a healthy sex life. This includes taking care of one's physical health through regular exercise, proper nutrition, and adequate sleep, as well as prioritizing mental and emotional well-being.
The author argues that when individuals feel good about themselves and are taking care of their overall health, they are more likely to feel confident and comfortable in sexual situations. This, in turn, can lead to more satisfying and enjoyable sexual experiences with their partner.
Conclusion: Cultivating a Lasting Erotic Connection
In "Love Worth Making," Stephen Snyder provides a comprehensive guide to achieving and maintaining a satisfying sex life in a long-term relationship. By focusing on nurturing the sexual self, embracing authenticity, and cultivating emotional connection, couples can create the conditions for true arousal and lasting erotic fulfillment.
The key takeaways from the book include:
- Understanding and nurturing your sexual self
- Recognizing that sex should never feel like work
- Balancing generosity with healthy selfishness in sexual encounters
- Embracing vulnerability and authenticity in your relationship
- Addressing both immediate and remote causes of sexual issues
- Practicing mindfulness and staying present during intimate moments
- Standing your ground while navigating changes in your relationship
- Maintaining a sense of playfulness and humor in your sex life
- Overcoming sexual shame and guilt
- Prioritizing self-care and overall well-being
By implementing these principles and strategies, couples can work together to create a rich and satisfying sexual connection that stands the test of time. Remember that cultivating a great sex life is an ongoing process that requires patience, communication, and a willingness to grow together as partners. With dedication and an open mind, couples can achieve the ridiculously great sex that Snyder promises is possible in a long-lasting relationship.