Marry Him Summary

Are you searching for Mr. Perfect, or could Mr. Good Enough make you perfectly happy for life?

1: Break Out of the Fairy Tale Mindset

Our culture bombards us with idealized notions of romance that mold our expectations from an early age. Movies, novels, and even ad campaigns create an unrealistic ideal of perfect chemistry, flawless partners, and eternal bliss. Many people unknowingly end up using these impossible standards to measure potential relationships.

Lori Gottlieb shares how women often dismiss great partners because they don’t perfectly match preconceived fantasies. For instance, one woman rejected a loving boyfriend simply because he brought the “wrong” type of flowers. Looking back, these same women admitted they let small, inconsequential flaws override the many qualities their partners did have.

The real challenge is letting go of the perfect picture in your mind and embracing someone who may not check every box but will work with you in building a life of love, partnership, and fulfillment. Real love isn’t a fairy tale; it grows through commitment and shared values.

Examples

• A woman ended things with a man because he hadn’t watched "Casablanca."
• Another dismissed a kind boyfriend simply because he displayed emotions by crying "too often."
• Gottlieb herself rejected men based on superficial traits like red hair or particular speech mannerisms.

2: Stop Searching for the Absolute Best

Many people adopt a “maximizing” mindset – always searching for the ultimate, best choice. This approach, though seemingly logical, often leads to feelings of dissatisfaction, stress, and being overwhelmed by endless possibilities.

Barry Schwarz’s research about maximizers versus satisficers shows that maximizers spend significant time and energy looking for the “perfect” option, only to feel regret or second-guess their decisions. In dating, this manifests as continually seeking the next best partner, even if their current one meets most of their needs.

Instead, shifting to a satisficer perspective can be a game changer. By setting clear, reasonable standards for what you need in a relationship and committing to someone who meets those criteria, you can enjoy life rather than wasting time second-guessing whether something better may be out there.

Examples

• Vacation planning goes awry when you over-research and miss affordable bookings, leaving you with fewer options.
• Gottlieb’s search for the “ideal” man in her thirties left her exhausted and perpetually single.
• Couples who prioritize satisfaction over perfection tend to report higher long-term happiness.

3: Chemistry Isn’t Everything

It’s easy to become infatuated with the sparks of early romance, but such passionate beginnings don’t guarantee lasting satisfaction. Chemistry, while exciting, is often fleeting and can even cloud judgment about compatibility.

Gottlieb interviewed women happily married for years, some of whom felt immediate sparks with their spouses, and others who didn't. The common thread wasn’t electric chemistry but instead shared goals, kindness, and respect. They built happiness together over time, regardless of how their relationships began.

If you feel neutral after a first date, it doesn’t necessarily mean the person isn’t a great match. Giving things a bit more time to develop could reveal deeper qualities that matter far more than an initial thrill.

Examples

• One woman met her now-husband, who didn’t wow her at first but later proved to be loving and reliable.
• Professional matchmaker Lisa Clampitt advises clients to go on second dates, even if there’s no immediate connection.
• Studies find that long-term satisfaction hinges more on shared values than on initial attraction.

4: Shared Values Matter More Than Shared Interests

When thinking of compatibility, people often imagine shared hobbies or similar personalities. But Gottlieb emphasizes that shared values and relationship goals are far more crucial to long-term marital happiness.

Values like mutual respect, honesty, humility, and a willingness to commit create the foundation for a lasting relationship. Disagreements on life’s big questions, like whether to have children or how to manage finances, often lead to conflict – even if both partners enjoy the same hobbies.

The healthiest partnerships grow when two people align on what matters most and accept that they don’t need to share every interest or activity.

Examples

• Couples with different hobbies but aligned parenting philosophies tend to stay stronger together.
• A husband who respects his wife’s career, even without sharing her passion for it, fosters mutual understanding.
• A successful couple Gottlieb interviewed admitted they have very few shared interests but prioritized family and financial goals.

5: Age Changes Dating Dynamics

As people grow older, dating becomes more challenging due to shifts in priorities and societal dynamics, especially for women over 35. Opportunities to meet eligible singles decrease, and many men seek younger partners.

The U.S. census shows that in the over-35 demographic, for every 18 million single men, there are 28 million single women. This imbalance means older women might struggle to find available men who meet their previous expectations. Additionally, many men are divorced or widowed and come with emotional baggage or complex family dynamics.

Younger women should recognize how dating opportunities evolve over time and avoid dismissing great partners too early in life, prioritizing what really matters.

Examples

• A career-driven woman at 40 realizes her dating pool has narrowed significantly compared to her 20s.
• Men with past divorces may bring baggage but are often still capable of forming meaningful relationships.
• Gottlieb shared her regrets over rejecting men for small flaws, realizing her options were more limited later.

6: Modern Dating Is a Never-Ending Swiping Game

Online dating reinforces unrealistic expectations by making it feel like there’s always someone better around the corner. Rather than focusing on meaningful connections, people often fall into a “shopping” mindset, browsing endlessly and avoiding commitment.

Apps provide endless options, making it tempting to swipe away minor flaws in search of the mythical perfect match. This shallow and exhaustive search can lead to dissatisfaction and burnout.

Instead of treating dating as a numbers game, approach it with clarity about what you truly need. Use online platforms as tools to connect, rather than endless catalogs to critique.

Examples

• One man listed 20 different “requirements” on his profile, yet remained single for years.
• Despite exchanging promising messages, many singles delay in-person meetings, thinking a "better" match might appear.
• Gottlieb herself struggled with dating apps, finding their design encouraged rejection over exploration.

7: Build Love, Don’t Just Find It

Many people chase “soulmates,” believing in love-at-first-sight myths. In reality, love is something cultivated over years of shared commitment, challenges, and choices.

Gottlieb stresses that a soulmate isn’t found; they’re made. When couples put in the effort to understand each other, support one another, and grow together, that’s when true love blossoms. Strong partnerships are based on actions, not destiny.

If you’re willing to invest in a relationship and work through inevitable ups and downs, your connection with someone will deepen in ways no checklist or dating site could predict.

Examples

• Elise, a woman Gottlieb interviewed, found lasting happiness with her husband by focusing on his character rather than initial sparks.
• Couples who weather challenges together often report stronger bonds over time.
• Studies show that choosing to love your partner daily leads to greater satisfaction in marriage.

8: Don’t Let Fear of Missing Out Rule Your Choices

One danger of maximizing is the belief that settling for “good enough” means you’ll miss out on something better. This fear traps people in endless cycles of indecision and second-guessing.

Instead, embrace the imperfect nature of life. Life itself is about compromise, and relationships are no different. A good partner who shows love, respect, and shared values should never feel like settling – it’s a wise choice for happiness.

Saying yes to someone who makes you feel secure and appreciated opens doors to a fulfilling future. Don’t let fear hold you back from realizing what you already have.

Examples

• Schwartz’s studies found that satisficers typically report greater happiness in their decisions than maximizers.
• A woman rejected several good matches, only to find herself lonelier later in life.
• Couples in long marriages focus on what they cherish in each other rather than imagined alternatives.

9: Compatibility Is Built on Emotional Safety

To gauge whether someone is right for you, ask how they make you feel. A truly compatible partner should make you feel calm, safe, and appreciated.

Gottlieb interviewed women who undervalued kindness and humility in their younger years, only to recognize their immense importance as time went on. When you feel emotionally supported, your relationship has a strong base to thrive.

It’s less about shared outer traits and more about creating a bond where both partners feel seen and valued for who they truly are.

Examples

• A man who actively listens during conflicts helps create emotional intimacy.
• A patient and considerate partner makes daily life easier, even in challenging times.
• Gottlieb’s interviewee found love in someone who made her feel fully respected, despite lacking the physical "type" she usually sought.

Takeaways

1. Reflect on your current priorities in a partner and identify the qualities that truly lead to lasting happiness, such as kindness and shared values.
2. If using dating apps, set limits on swiping and focus on fostering meaningful connections rather than chasing endless options.
3. Always give relationships a chance to grow. Chemistry isn’t everything – focus instead on how your partner makes you feel emotionally supported and valued.