Introduction
In her book "Marry Him," Lori Gottlieb offers a refreshing and honest perspective on finding lasting love. Drawing from her personal experiences and extensive research, Gottlieb challenges the conventional wisdom about romance and relationships. She argues that many women, particularly those in their 30s and 40s, are sabotaging their chances of finding a life partner by holding onto unrealistic expectations and chasing an elusive ideal.
Gottlieb's journey from a single woman with a long list of must-haves to a more pragmatic approach to love forms the backbone of this insightful book. Through a combination of personal anecdotes, interviews with relationship experts, and scientific research, she presents a compelling case for reconsidering what truly matters in a long-term partnership.
The Pursuit of Perfection
One of the central themes in "Marry Him" is the danger of pursuing perfection in a romantic partner. Gottlieb recounts numerous stories of women, including herself, who have rejected perfectly good matches for trivial reasons. These range from superficial concerns like a man's choice of flowers to more abstract issues like not feeling an immediate "spark."
Gottlieb argues that this pursuit of the perfect partner is often fueled by unrealistic expectations set by popular culture. Movies, TV shows, and romantic novels have created an idealized version of love that rarely exists in reality. This fantasy version of romance leads many women to build a mental image of their perfect match, complete with specific physical attributes, personality traits, and even career choices.
The author suggests that this idealized vision can become a significant obstacle in finding a compatible partner. By fixating on finding someone who ticks every box on an often unrealistic checklist, women risk overlooking genuinely good potential partners who may not fit the preconceived mold but could make excellent life companions.
The Maximizer's Dilemma
Gottlieb introduces the concept of "maximizers" versus "satisficers," drawing from the work of social scientist Barry Schwarz. Maximizers are individuals who insist on finding the absolute best option available, often at great personal cost in terms of time and energy. In contrast, satisficers set a specific standard for what they consider acceptable and are content when they find an option that meets that standard.
The author argues that when it comes to relationships, being a maximizer can be particularly detrimental. The constant search for something better can lead to anxiety, indecision, and ultimately, dissatisfaction even when a good match is found. Maximizers in the dating world often find themselves in a perpetual state of searching, never truly content with their current partner because they can't shake the feeling that someone better might be out there.
This maximizer mentality is exacerbated by the modern dating landscape, particularly online dating. The seemingly endless pool of potential partners can create the illusion that the perfect match is just a swipe away. However, this abundance of choice often leads to decision paralysis and a decreased likelihood of forming meaningful connections.
The Author's Journey
Gottlieb's personal story serves as a cautionary tale throughout the book. She recounts how, in her twenties and early thirties, she dated numerous attractive and successful men but never found a lasting relationship. Looking back, she realizes that she was prioritizing the wrong qualities - things like intense chemistry, wit, and status - over the characteristics that truly contribute to a lasting partnership.
As she entered her late thirties, Gottlieb became more pragmatic about her choices but still clung to her idea of an ideal partner. Facing her biological clock, she decided to have a child on her own through donor insemination. While she doesn't regret her son, she admits that her belief that she could easily return to dating after having a child was "astoundingly naive."
Gottlieb's experience highlights the challenges that come with delaying serious partnership searches. As she discovered, the pool of available partners shrinks with age, and the logistics of dating become more complicated, especially as a single parent.
The Dating Market Reality
One of the more controversial aspects of Gottlieb's book is her frank discussion of the realities of the dating market, particularly for women as they age. While acknowledging that it may not be fair, she presents data suggesting that heterosexual women often face more challenges in finding partners as they get older.
Gottlieb points out that as people age, there are fewer natural opportunities to meet potential partners. The built-in social structures of college and early career years fade away, and people's social circles often shrink or become dominated by couples.
Furthermore, she presents statistics showing that in the over-35 age range, there are significantly more single women than single men. This imbalance is exacerbated by the tendency of many men to seek younger partners, while women are more open to dating older men.
The author also notes that the available men in older age groups often come with complexities that younger women might not have considered. Many are divorced with children, which can introduce logistical challenges and emotional baggage into new relationships.
While these observations might be uncomfortable, Gottlieb argues that they are important for women to consider, especially if they are holding out for an idealized partner who may become increasingly rare as time goes on.
Redefining What Matters
A key message in "Marry Him" is the importance of reassessing what truly matters in a long-term partner. Gottlieb interviewed numerous happily married couples and relationship experts to understand what contributes to lasting love.
Surprisingly, she found that initial passion and chemistry were not reliable predictors of long-term relationship satisfaction. Many couples who started with intense romantic feelings ended up unhappy, while others who began with a more tepid connection grew into deeply satisfying partnerships.
Instead, the qualities that seemed to matter most for long-term happiness were things like kindness, good character, shared values, and common goals. Gottlieb emphasizes that these foundational elements are far more important than surface-level attributes or the intensity of initial attraction.
The Matchmaker's Perspective
To gain insight into successful pairings, Gottlieb consulted professional matchmakers. Lisa Clampitt, a New York-based matchmaker, shared her criteria for bringing couples together. She focuses on common relationship goals, shared values, and a small number of key personality traits that clients define as essential.
Clampitt and other matchmakers stress the importance of giving potential partners a chance beyond the first date. They argue that it takes time for feelings to develop and for people's true strengths to reveal themselves. This advice counters the common expectation of immediate fireworks that many people, especially maximizers, tend to seek.
Practical Advice for Finding Love
Throughout "Marry Him," Gottlieb offers practical advice for those seeking long-term partnerships:
Focus on the fundamentals: Prioritize shared values, goals, and character traits over superficial attributes or intense initial chemistry.
Be open-minded: Don't dismiss potential partners based on trivial factors or a lack of immediate spark. Give people a chance to reveal their true selves over time.
Reassess deal-breakers: Distinguish between true non-negotiables (like kindness and integrity) and preferences that may be limiting your options unnecessarily.
Consider the satisficer approach: Set reasonable standards and be willing to commit when you find someone who meets them, rather than endlessly searching for perfection.
Look beyond shared interests: While common hobbies can be nice, shared values are far more important for long-term compatibility.
Don't expect one person to fulfill all your needs: Maintain friendships and other social connections rather than relying solely on a romantic partner for all forms of emotional support.
Be realistic about timing: If having a family is important to you, consider the biological realities and don't indefinitely postpone serious partnership searches.
Recognize that love grows: Understand that deep, lasting love is something that develops over time through shared experiences and mutual care, not just an initial feeling of infatuation.
The Case for "Good Enough"
The provocative title of Gottlieb's book, "Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough," has been a source of controversy. However, the author clarifies that she's not advocating for women to lower their standards or accept unsatisfying relationships. Rather, she's encouraging a shift in perspective about what truly makes a good partner.
Gottlieb argues that the word "settling" has been misunderstood. She's not suggesting that women should settle for someone who doesn't make them happy or who doesn't meet their core needs. Instead, she's advocating for a more realistic and mature approach to love - one that prioritizes the qualities that contribute to lasting happiness over fleeting or superficial attributes.
The concept of "Mr. Good Enough" is about recognizing that no partner will be perfect, and that's okay. It's about finding someone who is a good match in the ways that truly matter, even if they don't tick every box on an idealized checklist.
Building Love
One of the most powerful messages in "Marry Him" is the idea that love is something you build, not just something you find. Gottlieb challenges the notion of "soulmates" and the belief that there's one perfect person out there for everyone.
Instead, she presents love as a choice and an ongoing process. Long-term love, according to this view, is created through shared experiences, mutual support, and a commitment to growing together. It's not about finding someone who's perfect from day one, but about choosing someone with whom you can build a fulfilling life.
This perspective can be liberating for those who have been searching for a fairy-tale romance. It shifts the focus from finding the "right" person to being the right partner and working together to create a strong, lasting relationship.
Addressing Criticism
Gottlieb's book has faced criticism from those who feel it encourages women to lower their standards or settle for less than they deserve. However, the author maintains that her message has been misunderstood.
She argues that by focusing on the qualities that truly matter for long-term happiness - like kindness, shared values, and mutual respect - women are actually raising their standards in the ways that count. The "settling" she advocates is not about accepting a subpar relationship, but about letting go of unrealistic expectations that may be hindering genuine connections.
Gottlieb also addresses concerns that her advice is overly focused on heterosexual relationships or reinforces traditional gender roles. While much of her personal experience and some of the data she cites relate to heterosexual dating, she argues that the core principles - focusing on character and compatibility over surface-level attributes - are applicable to all types of relationships.
The Broader Context
While "Marry Him" is primarily focused on romantic relationships, Gottlieb's insights have broader applications. The tension between maximizing and satisficing, for instance, is relevant to many areas of life, from career choices to consumer decisions.
The book also touches on larger societal issues, such as the impact of increased choice on decision-making and happiness. In an age where options seem endless - whether in dating apps or consumer goods - Gottlieb's work raises important questions about how we make choices and what truly contributes to long-term satisfaction.
Final Thoughts
"Marry Him" is a thought-provoking and often controversial book that challenges readers to reconsider their approach to love and partnership. While some may disagree with Gottlieb's conclusions, her work provides a valuable counterpoint to much of the prevailing wisdom about romance and relationships.
The core message of the book - to focus on the fundamental qualities that contribute to lasting happiness rather than chasing an elusive ideal - is one that many readers may find liberating. By encouraging a more pragmatic and mature approach to love, Gottlieb offers hope to those who have struggled to find lasting partnerships.
Ultimately, "Marry Him" is not about lowering standards or giving up on love. It's about raising standards in the ways that truly matter and being open to finding love in unexpected places. It's a call to approach relationships with wisdom, maturity, and a clear understanding of what contributes to long-term happiness and fulfillment.
Whether readers agree with all of Gottlieb's points or not, her book provides valuable food for thought for anyone navigating the complex world of modern relationships. It encourages self-reflection, challenges ingrained beliefs about love, and offers a fresh perspective on what it means to find a truly compatible life partner.