Introduction
We've all experienced it: meeting someone who seems perfect, going on a few dreamy dates, and feeling like we've found "the one." But then, suddenly, they disappear, leaving us confused and questioning everything we did or said. In her book "Mr Unavailable & the Fallback Girl," Natalie Lue explores this all-too-common phenomenon and offers insights on how to break free from the cycle of toxic relationships.
Lue's book is a wake-up call for anyone who has found themselves repeatedly drawn to emotionally unavailable partners. It provides a roadmap for understanding why we fall into these patterns and, more importantly, how to break free from them. Through personal anecdotes, practical advice, and keen observations, Lue empowers readers to recognize their worth and seek out healthy, fulfilling relationships.
Natalie's Journey: From Fallback Girl to Empowered Woman
Natalie Lue's own experiences form the foundation of her insights. For ten years, she found herself caught in a cycle of dating emotionally unavailable men. These relationships were characterized by partners who blew hot and cold, pursued her intensely only to disappear, and left her feeling constantly off-balance.
The turning point came during a date with her married boyfriend in London. As she experienced a panic attack, gasping for breath, her boyfriend simply put her on a train and returned home to his wife. This moment of abandonment was a harsh reality check for Lue. She realized that her boyfriend would never prioritize her or leave his wife, and more importantly, she couldn't chalk up all her unsuccessful relationships to mere bad luck.
Lue had an epiphany: she was the common factor in all these relationships. She had become what she calls a "Fallback Girl" – someone men could turn to for sex or emotional support without any real commitment. She had been so desperate for validation that she was willing to settle for relationships with people who didn't truly care for her or treat her well.
Recognizing this pattern was the first step in Lue's journey of self-discovery and healing. She realized that she had become addicted to the drama of these relationships and had fallen into the trap of thinking she could change these men if she just loved them enough. Instead of continuing this futile pursuit, Lue decided to take a hard look at why she had undervalued herself for so long and why she had become fixated on what others wanted instead of prioritizing her own needs.
This self-reflection led Lue on a challenging but transformative journey. She worked on developing her self-esteem, setting strong boundaries, and learning how to communicate them effectively. The results were profound: for the first time in her life, she felt mentally strong and at peace. Her physical health also improved dramatically.
Shortly after this personal breakthrough, Lue met an emotionally available man. Instead of rejecting him for being "too nice," as she might have done in the past, she embraced the relationship and reveled in feeling truly supported for the first time. Today, they are happily married with two daughters.
Lue's personal journey from Fallback Girl to empowered woman forms the basis of her insights, which she has shared with thousands of women, helping them recognize and break free from patterns of settling for emotionally unavailable partners.
Understanding Mr Unavailable
One of the key concepts in Lue's book is the idea of "Mr Unavailable" – the emotionally unavailable man who keeps women trapped in unfulfilling relationships. Understanding the characteristics and behaviors of Mr Unavailable is crucial for recognizing these patterns in our own lives.
The Hot and Cold Behavior
A common misconception about emotionally unavailable men is that they're not available at all. In reality, what makes them so confusing and difficult to deal with is their inconsistent behavior. Mr Unavailable is known for blowing hot and cold, keeping his partner constantly off-balance.
One moment, he might take you on magnificent dates, introduce you to his family, or provide emotional support during tough times. These actions can make you believe that the relationship is progressing and becoming more intimate. However, this closeness never lasts. Just when things seem to be getting serious, Mr Unavailable will retreat, leaving you to wonder what you did wrong.
This pattern of blowing hot and cold is a key sign of an emotionally unavailable man. Unable to cope with real intimacy, he distances himself just when things get close. He might suddenly disappear or refuse to answer calls. If you respond by becoming more distant yourself or threatening to end the relationship, he'll often do a complete 180, suddenly pursuing you intensely again.
This rollercoaster of emotions is exhausting for the partner, who never knows where they stand or what to expect. Everything happens on Mr Unavailable's terms and at his pace, leaving you feeling powerless and confused.
Defensiveness and Hostility
When confronted about his moods and absences, Mr Unavailable typically becomes defensive or even hostile. He might accuse you of "dwelling in the past" and expect you to pretend the bad times never happened. This gaslighting behavior can make you doubt your own perceptions and blur your boundaries.
Over time, his erratic availability starts to feel normal. You lose perspective on what you really want and deserve, settling for a lukewarm relationship when you should have someone who is consistently passionate and present.
Fast Forwarding and Future Faking
Another characteristic of Mr Unavailable is his tendency to move too fast in the early stages of a relationship. While romantic comedies might portray whirlwind romances as the epitome of true love, in reality, a partner who comes on very strong very quickly could be a red flag.
Some emotionally unavailable men will declare their love on the second date and introduce you to their family on the third. This behavior, which Lue calls "fast forwarding," allows Mr Unavailable to sweep you off your feet and distract you from asking too many questions about him. These types often love the thrill of the chase and the intensity of the early stages of a relationship but are very bad at building something that lasts.
Hand in hand with fast forwarding is "future faking." Contrary to the belief that commitment-phobic men never want to talk about the future, Mr Unavailable might actually bring up subjects like children or long-term plans very early in the relationship. However, these are often empty promises. When things get too real, the future faker is likely to disappear, leaving you confused and hurt.
Keeping Things Undefined
Mr Unavailable thrives on ambiguity in relationships. He likes to keep things casual and undefined, which allows him to avoid accountability. He might enjoy booty calls or "friends with benefits" arrangements where he can have sex without commitment.
Even if you have great sexual chemistry with Mr Unavailable, it's important to consider whose terms the relationship is on. Are you fooling yourself into believing that a casual arrangement is okay because you don't want to lose him?
The problem is that Mr Unavailable is unable to commit to anything – even breaking up. He won't fully commit to a relationship, but he also won't let you go entirely. Ideally, he wants to keep you hanging around where he can reach you when he feels like it. If you try to break up or cut contact, he might try to insert himself back into your life by begging to be friends or stalking your social media.
This behavior isn't about genuine interest in you. Instead, it's about stroking his ego and reassuring himself that he still has a hold over you. Once he gets that reassurance, he's likely to disappear again.
Emotional Manipulation
One of the most insidious traits of Mr Unavailable is his ability to manipulate emotions. He might share gut-wrenching stories about his past, perhaps about how his parents never gave him love and attention, or how his ex-wife cheated on him. He might even cry as he tells these stories, leading you to believe that he's in touch with his emotions.
However, in the case of Mr Unavailable, these are often crocodile tears. They don't signify emotional maturity but are instead a well-developed strategy of emotional manipulation. These sob stories provide a convenient way for him to avoid taking responsibility for his actions. If you later ask for commitment or emotional availability, he has a ready-made excuse for why he can't provide it.
Instead of owning his past and seeking help, Mr Unavailable chooses to wallow and assign other people – like you – the responsibility of "fixing" him. If you don't manage this impossible task, he can turn around and blame the relationship failure on you.
Mr Unavailable is a master of making excuses and projecting his own faults onto other people. He might claim he's a perfectionist waiting for the perfect woman, using impossible standards as a way to avoid commitment. He keeps an invisible scorecard in his head, marking you down for any perceived infractions. Cruelly, he might even take the fact that you put up with his behavior as evidence that you're not "perfect" enough for him.
The Fallback Girl: Understanding Your Role
While understanding Mr Unavailable is crucial, it's equally important to examine why some women repeatedly find themselves in relationships with these types of men. Lue introduces the concept of the "Fallback Girl" – women who accept and enable Mr Unavailable's unhealthy behavior in various ways.
Types of Fallback Girls
Yo-yo Girls: These women accommodate on-and-off relationships on whatever terms Mr Unavailable chooses because they dread the finality of a breakup. They normalize the fact that their partners blow hot and cold.
The Other Women: These are women who get involved with men who are already in relationships. They fall into the trap of thinking their love is so exceptional that their men will give up everything to be with them.
Buffers: These women get involved with men who are still emotionally involved with their exes. They allow Mr Unavailable to ease out of his last relationship without ever having to give real commitment to the new one.
Florences or Renovators: These women are often drawn to men who appear vulnerable and wounded by their last breakup or some other traumatic experience. They're motivated by a desire to fix, change, or save Mr Unavailable.
Floggers: These are women who stay in marriages or long-term relationships with men who are physically present but emotionally absent. They set themselves up for a life of sacrifice and martyrdom.
Miss Independent: These women embrace the idea of casual relationships, often as a defense mechanism after being hurt in the past. However, this seemingly empowered choice can become a trap as Mr Unavailable takes advantage of the casual status to avoid accountability.
The Cycle of the Fallback Girl
Fallback Girls often find themselves caught in a cycle of hoping, waiting, and being disappointed. They might spend countless hours analyzing every interaction with Mr Unavailable, trying to understand his behavior and figure out what went wrong in the relationship.
This obsession with understanding Mr Unavailable is a natural reaction to his erratic and seemingly inexplicable behavior. However, it's ultimately futile. The reasons for his unavailability could range from childhood trauma to narcissistic tendencies to simply not being that interested. None of these reasons matter in the end – what matters is that he's not capable of building a healthy relationship.
It's crucial for Fallback Girls to understand that they are never the cause of Mr Unavailable's behavior. He was likely a commitment-phobe long before meeting you and will continue to be one after you, leaving a string of bruised hearts in his wake.
Self-Reflection: The Key to Breaking the Cycle
Instead of obsessing over Mr Unavailable, Fallback Girls need to focus on themselves. They need to examine their own behavior and ask themselves some tough questions:
- Why do you seek out men who don't treat you well?
- Why do you believe their promises when you've seen that they don't come true?
- Why do you spend so much time trying to save damaged men instead of prioritizing your own health and well-being?
These questions are confrontational but necessary if you want to break the destructive relationship pattern. It's not just random bad luck that you're meeting emotionally unavailable men. On some deep, subconscious level, you're actually seeking out people who are unavailable.
To understand your emotional patterns, you need to look at your past. Often, we unconsciously repeat relationship dynamics we've witnessed with our parents. Was your father emotionally unavailable, and did your mother stick around anyway? Were your parents overly critical, absent, or even abusive? We also carry baggage from our previous relationships into new ones.
It's also important to recognize the impact of societal messages. Women are often bombarded with outdated ideas that equate being successful with "keeping a man." These messages can lead us to become Fallback Girls, believing that we need to do whatever it takes to keep our partners happy, even at the expense of our own well-being.
Breaking Free: From Fallback Girl to Empowered Woman
Recognizing that you've been a Fallback Girl is the first step towards change. The good news is that you don't have to remain one. You can break the cycle and embrace relationships that truly meet your needs.
Changing Yourself to Change Your Relationships
The dating pool isn't dominated by emotionally unavailable men. There are many emotionally available men who have no problem with commitment. If you haven't found such a man so far, it might be because you yourself have been emotionally unavailable.
This might come as a shock. After all, haven't you been furiously pursuing Mr Unavailable and doing everything you could to make the relationship work? The problem is that you've been so caught up in pursuing dysfunctional relationships and waiting for Mr Unavailable to finally show some interest that you haven't had any space in your life for a genuinely available guy to come along.
To make space for a new, healthy relationship, you first need to discover who you really are. This involves:
Identifying Your Core Values: Think about what you truly believe in and what you find important in relationships. These values will form the basis for your personal boundaries.
Establishing and Communicating Boundaries: Once you've established your boundaries, get used to sharing them. If other people know where you stand early on, you'll have a much greater chance of finding someone you're genuinely compatible with.
Trusting Your Gut: Learn to ignore your brain's tendency to rationalize and make excuses. Pay attention to how situations and relationships make you feel. A universal truth is that if a relationship is good, it will make you feel good.
Building a Fulfilling Life: Focus your energy on making a life that brings you joy. Reconnect with old friends, develop new interests, travel, and pamper yourself. By finding multiple sources of nourishment, you'll be much more independent and free – even when you do begin a new relationship.
Recognizing Healthy Relationships
As you work on yourself, it's important to understand what a healthy relationship looks like. Unlike relationships with Mr Unavailable, healthy relationships are characterized by:
- Consistency: Your partner's words match their actions, and their behavior is stable over time.
- Mutual Respect: Both partners value each other's opinions, feelings, and boundaries.
- Open Communication: You can discuss issues without fear of rejection or hostility.
- Emotional Availability: Both partners are willing to be vulnerable and share their feelings.
- Shared Responsibility: Both partners contribute to the relationship and take accountability for their actions.
- Support for Individual Growth: The relationship enhances rather than hinders personal development.
Dealing with Setbacks
Breaking free from the pattern of being a Fallback Girl is not always a linear process. You might experience setbacks or find yourself slipping into old habits. This is normal and doesn't mean you've failed. The important thing is to recognize these moments, learn from them, and recommit to your journey of self-improvement.
If you find yourself attracted to another Mr Unavailable, take it as an opportunity to reflect on what about him appeals to you. Is it the familiar drama? The challenge of trying to win his affection? Understanding these triggers can help you resist them in the future.
Remember, healing and growth take time. Be patient and kind to yourself as you navigate this process.
Conclusion: Embracing Your Worth and Finding True Love
"Mr Unavailable & the Fallback Girl" is more than just a guide to recognizing toxic relationship patterns – it's a call to embrace your self-worth and seek the love you truly deserve. Natalie Lue's insights, born from personal experience and years of helping others, provide a roadmap for breaking free from the cycle of unfulfilling relationships with emotionally unavailable partners.
The journey from being a Fallback Girl to an empowered woman capable of fostering healthy relationships is not always easy. It requires honest self-reflection, the courage to set and maintain boundaries, and a commitment to personal growth. However, the rewards are immeasurable. By understanding your own worth and refusing to settle for less than you deserve, you open yourself up to the possibility of finding a truly fulfilling relationship.
Remember, you are not responsible for changing or fixing Mr Unavailable. Your energy is better spent on understanding and improving yourself. As you learn to value yourself and set healthy boundaries, you'll naturally attract partners who are capable of meeting you on an emotional level.
The key takeaway from Lue's book is that true love and healthy relationships are possible, but they start with loving yourself first. By breaking free from the role of the Fallback Girl and refusing to enable Mr Unavailable's behavior, you create space in your life for genuine connection and lasting happiness.
Whether you're currently in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner, recovering from one, or simply want to understand these dynamics better, "Mr Unavailable & the Fallback Girl" offers valuable insights and practical advice. It's a reminder that you have the power to change your relationship patterns and create the love life you truly desire.
In the end, the most important relationship you'll ever have is the one with yourself. By nurturing that relationship and holding firm to your worth, you set the stage for all other relationships in your life to flourish. So take Natalie Lue's advice to heart, embrace your journey of self-discovery, and open yourself up to the possibility of true, mutual, and lasting love.