Opening Up

Introduction

In "Opening Up," Tristan Taormino challenges the conventional wisdom about monogamy and explores the world of nonmonogamous relationships. This book offers a fresh perspective on love, intimacy, and human connections, presenting open relationships as a viable and potentially fulfilling alternative to traditional monogamy.

Taormino's work is not just a theoretical exploration but a practical guide for those considering or already engaged in nonmonogamous relationships. She draws on extensive research and real-life experiences to provide insights into the various forms of open relationships, their challenges, and their potential benefits.

The book addresses common misconceptions about nonmonogamy and offers strategies for navigating the complex emotional landscape of multiple partnerships. It's a comprehensive resource that covers everything from communication skills to dealing with jealousy, making it invaluable for anyone interested in exploring alternative relationship structures.

The Myth of "The One"

One of the central themes in "Opening Up" is the deconstruction of the widely held belief in "The One" - a perfect soulmate who can fulfill all our needs and desires. Taormino argues that this myth sets unrealistic expectations for relationships and often leads to disappointment and frustration.

Unrealistic Expectations

Society has conditioned us to believe in a fairy tale version of love where we meet our perfect match, get married, and live happily ever after. This idealized narrative suggests that our chosen partner should be able to:

1. Provide emotional support
2. Share our interests and political views
3. Be an ideal co-parent
4. Act as our best friend
5. Satisfy all our sexual needs

Taormino points out that expecting one person to fulfill all these roles puts an enormous amount of pressure on relationships. It's no wonder, she argues, that so many marriages end in divorce.

The Reality of Human Sexuality

The book challenges another damaging myth: the idea that once we find a life partner, we'll never be attracted to anyone else. Taormino emphasizes that this belief ignores the fundamental nature of human sexuality. She explains that:

1. Attraction to others doesn't stop after marriage
2. Sexual tastes can change over time
3. Life events (like depression) can affect libido
4. One person can't always fulfill all our desires

In traditional monogamous relationships, these realities often lead to feelings of guilt or result in infidelity. Taormino cites a 2007 poll where half of the 70,000 respondents admitted to being unfaithful, highlighting how common cheating is in monogamous relationships.

A Different Approach

Instead of clinging to these unrealistic expectations, Taormino suggests two alternative approaches:

1. Choose monogamy with realistic expectations
2. Consider opening up the relationship

Both options require honest communication and self-reflection. By acknowledging that one person can't fulfill every need, couples can either appreciate what they have in a monogamous relationship or explore the possibility of nonmonogamy.

Types of Nonmonogamous Relationships

Taormino's book provides a comprehensive overview of the various forms nonmonogamous relationships can take. She emphasizes that there's no one-size-fits-all approach, and couples or groups can tailor their arrangements to suit their specific needs and desires.

Casual Sex and Swinging

For couples whose sexual desires don't always align, opening up the relationship to casual sex with others can be a solution. This might involve:

1. One partner seeking out others to fulfill specific desires (like a foot fetish)
2. Couples visiting swingers' clubs together
3. Hooking up with people met online

These arrangements typically focus on sexual experiences without deep emotional involvement.

Polyamory

Polyamory involves loving more than one person and having multiple committed relationships. Taormino outlines several polyamorous structures:

1. Primary and secondary relationships: A couple designates their relationship as primary and has secondary partners on the side.
2. Non-hierarchical relationships: Multiple partnerships without labeling them as primary or secondary.
3. Polyfidelity: A closed group of multiple partners, like the Kerista Commune in San Francisco (1971-1991).
4. Triads or quads: Relationships among three or four people, which can be closed or open to outside sexual encounters.

Relationship Structures

Taormino emphasizes that the structure of nonmonogamous relationships can vary greatly. Some questions to consider include:

1. Do you prefer casual flings or emotional relationships?
2. Are you comfortable with your partner having emotional connections with others?
3. Do you want to live with multiple partners or maintain separate residences?

The author stresses that there's no right or wrong answer - it's about finding what works best for you and your partners.

The Importance of Communication

One of the most crucial aspects of successful nonmonogamous relationships, according to Taormino, is excellent communication. Contrary to the popular notion of nonmonogamy as a constant party, it often involves more talking than sex.

Setting Ground Rules

For couples transitioning from monogamy to nonmonogamy, Taormino emphasizes the need for honest conversations to establish ground rules. These discussions might cover:

1. Whether only casual sex or full relationships are allowed
2. If lovers can visit your home or meet your friends
3. How to balance time between different partners

Ongoing Check-ins

The book stresses that communication in nonmonogamous relationships is an ongoing process. Partners need to:

1. Regularly check in with each other
2. Discuss how everyone is feeling
3. Renegotiate rules as needed

Taormino acknowledges that this level of communication can be challenging and time-consuming. However, she argues that it leads to stronger, more trusting relationships.

Practical Communication Tools

The author suggests several practical tools for managing nonmonogamous relationships:

1. Monthly meetings to discuss household responsibilities
2. Shared calendars to schedule time together
3. Clear articulation of needs and desires

While these might not sound romantic, Taormino argues that they create the trust and stability necessary for freedom and fun in relationships.

Commitment in Nonmonogamy

Taormino challenges the misconception that nonmonogamous relationships are less committed than monogamous ones. She points out that:

1. There are fewer legal ways to demonstrate commitment in polyamorous relationships
2. Nonmonogamous relationships often require more work and dedication
3. Partners must develop strong self-awareness and communication skills

The Sanctity of Agreements

In "Opening Up," Taormino emphasizes the critical importance of agreements in nonmonogamous relationships. These agreements form the foundation of trust and respect between partners.

Creating Agreements

Agreements in nonmonogamous relationships typically cover:

1. Types of relationships permitted
2. Time allocation between partners
3. Safe sex practices within and outside the primary relationship

Taormino stresses that creating these agreements requires vulnerability and clear articulation of wants and needs. This process of negotiation and agreement is a cornerstone of healthy nonmonogamous relationships.

Consequences of Breaking Agreements

The author explains that violating these agreements can be as devastating as infidelity in monogamous relationships. For example:

1. A partner hooking up with a close friend when the agreement was only for encounters with strangers
2. Engaging in unprotected sex, putting all partners at risk

Such breaches can severely undermine trust and may require significant time and effort to heal.

Unintentional Agreement Breaking

Taormino acknowledges that not all agreement breaking is intentional. Misunderstandings can occur due to:

1. Different interpretations of what constitutes a "date"
2. Unexpected strong feelings developing in supposedly casual relationships
3. New self-discoveries, like realizing one's sexual orientation

To minimize these misunderstandings, the author advises being as specific as possible when creating agreements.

Navigating Changes

The book recognizes that feelings and circumstances can change, necessitating renegotiation of agreements. Taormino advises:

1. Regular check-ins to discuss how agreements are working
2. Openness to revisiting and adjusting agreements as needed
3. Respectful communication when proposing changes

By maintaining open dialogue about agreements, partners can navigate the dynamic nature of nonmonogamous relationships more smoothly.

Dealing with Jealousy

Taormino dedicates significant attention to the topic of jealousy, recognizing it as a common challenge in nonmonogamous relationships. She offers insights and strategies for managing these difficult emotions.

The Reality of Jealousy

The author acknowledges that jealousy is a natural emotion that doesn't simply disappear when entering a nonmonogamous relationship. Common triggers include:

1. Seeing a partner dressed up for a date with someone else
2. Feeling left out when a partner is with another lover
3. Comparing oneself to a partner's other relationships

Root Causes of Jealousy

Taormino delves into the underlying causes of jealousy, which often stem from:

1. Deep-seated insecurity
2. Fear of losing the partner
3. Doubt about one's own value
4. Possessiveness rooted in societal conditioning

Understanding these root causes is crucial for effectively addressing jealousy.

Strategies for Coping with Jealousy

The book offers several strategies for dealing with jealous feelings:

1. Acknowledge and accept the emotion without judgment
2. Analyze the specific triggers and underlying fears
3. Seek support from friends or therapists for perspective
4. Practice self-care during difficult times
5. Communicate openly with partners about feelings and needs

Turning Jealousy into Growth

Taormino presents jealousy as an opportunity for personal growth and relationship strengthening. By working through jealous feelings, individuals can:

1. Improve self-confidence
2. Strengthen trust in relationships
3. Develop better communication skills
4. Gain a deeper understanding of their own needs and boundaries

The author emphasizes that while jealousy can be uncomfortable, learning to navigate it can lead to more secure and satisfying relationships.

The Joy of Compersion

In contrast to jealousy, Taormino introduces the concept of compersion - a feeling of joy or excitement experienced when a partner is happy with another lover. This idea is central to many successful nonmonogamous relationships.

Understanding Compersion

Compersion can manifest in different ways:

1. Erotic compersion: Being aroused by the thought or sight of a partner with someone else
2. Emotional compersion: Feeling happy that a partner's life is enriched by another relationship

The author notes that compersion doesn't come naturally in our competitive society but can be learned and cultivated.

Benefits of Compersion

Taormino highlights several benefits of developing compersion:

1. It can make you feel powerful and fearless
2. It often leads to improved primary relationships
3. It fosters a sense of generosity and trust between partners

Cultivating Compersion

The book offers suggestions for developing compersion:

1. Challenge learned behaviors like jealousy and competitiveness
2. Practice thinking differently about your relationships
3. Focus on the abundance of love rather than scarcity
4. Celebrate your partner's happiness and growth

Compersion and Relationship Dynamics

Taormino explains how compersion can positively impact relationships:

1. It can renew excitement in long-term partnerships
2. It often leads to improved communication between partners
3. It can increase overall relationship satisfaction

The author presents compersion as a powerful tool for creating more fulfilling and secure nonmonogamous relationships.

Facing Discrimination

Taormino doesn't shy away from addressing the very real challenges of discrimination faced by people in nonmonogamous relationships. She provides a realistic look at the potential consequences of being open about these relationship structures.

Social Stigma

The book discusses various forms of social stigma:

1. Lack of understanding from friends and family
2. Religious and moral judgments
3. Misconceptions based on media portrayals of polygamy
4. Challenges to others' monogamous ideals

Legal and Professional Risks

Taormino outlines potential risks in various areas of life:

1. Child custody battles where nonmonogamy is used against a parent
2. Job loss in conservative workplaces
3. Housing discrimination
4. Lack of legal recognition for multiple partners

The Dilemma of Coming Out

The author presents the pros and cons of being open about nonmonogamous relationships:

Pros:

1. Living authentically
2. Potential to educate others
3. Finding community support

Cons:

1. Potential for discrimination
2. Strain on family relationships
3. Professional risks

Strategies for Coming Out

For those who choose to be open, Taormino offers advice:

1. Carefully consider whom to tell and in what order
2. Prepare for difficult questions and potential hostility
3. Consider using a letter for initial disclosure to allow processing time
4. Ensure you have a support system in place

The author stresses the importance of weighing the potential risks and benefits before deciding to come out as nonmonogamous.

Reimagining Family Structures

"Opening Up" challenges traditional notions of family and explores how polyamorous relationships can create new, supportive family structures.

Historical Context

Taormino provides historical perspective:

1. The nuclear family is a relatively recent concept
2. Extended families living together were once more common
3. Modern nuclear families often struggle without extended support

Polyamorous Family Networks

The book describes how polyamorous relationships can create broader support networks:

1. "Tribes" of lovers and their families supporting each other
2. Communities built around shared interests or identities
3. Multiple partners sharing household and childcare responsibilities

Children in Polyamorous Families

Taormino addresses concerns about raising children in nonmonogamous families:

1. Children are often adaptable to diverse family structures
2. Many kids already experience blended families due to divorce
3. Multiple adults can provide more resources and support

However, she also notes potential challenges:

1. Discrimination from others outside the family
2. Need for careful consideration about disclosure to schools and other institutions
3. Importance of preparing children for potential negative reactions

Legal Considerations

The author emphasizes the importance of legal protection for polyamorous families:

1. Creating wills and living wills to ensure partners can make medical decisions
2. Establishing custody agreements
3. Considering power of attorney arrangements

Taormino stresses the need for polyamorous families to be proactive in protecting their legal rights.

The Benefits of Nonmonogamy

Throughout "Opening Up," Taormino highlights numerous potential benefits of nonmonogamous relationships. These advantages extend beyond just sexual variety and can positively impact personal growth and relationship quality.

Personal Growth

The author argues that practicing nonmonogamy can lead to significant personal development:

1. Improved self-awareness through constant self-reflection
2. Enhanced communication skills
3. Greater emotional intelligence
4. Increased capacity for compersion and empathy
5. Opportunity to explore different aspects of one's personality and sexuality

Relationship Enhancement

Taormino suggests that opening up a relationship can strengthen the primary partnership:

1. Renewed appreciation for each other
2. Increased honesty and trust
3. More conscious effort put into the relationship
4. Reduced pressure on one person to fulfill all needs
5. Potential for compersion to deepen emotional bonds

Sexual Exploration

The book acknowledges the sexual benefits of nonmonogamy:

1. Opportunity to explore diverse sexual interests
2. Reduced sexual pressure within the primary relationship
3. Potential for increased overall sexual satisfaction
4. Chance to maintain sexual connections even when libidos don't match

Expanded Support Network

Taormino points out that nonmonogamous relationships can create larger support systems:

1. More people to rely on emotionally and practically
2. Diverse perspectives and advice
3. Potential for creating chosen families
4. Increased resources for childcare and household management

Personal Freedom

The author emphasizes how nonmonogamy can provide a sense of freedom:

1. Ability to pursue attractions without guilt
2. Freedom from possessiveness and jealousy
3. Opportunity for ongoing personal growth and self-discovery
4. Flexibility to create relationship structures that truly fit individual needs

Challenges of Nonmonogamy

While Taormino is generally positive about nonmonogamous relationships, she doesn't shy away from discussing the challenges they present. Understanding these difficulties is crucial for anyone considering or practicing nonmonogamy.

Time Management

One of the biggest challenges in nonmonogamous relationships is balancing time between multiple partners:

1. Scheduling can become complex and time-consuming
2. Partners may feel neglected if time isn't distributed fairly
3. Work, family, and personal time need to be balanced with multiple relationships

Emotional Labor

Nonmonogamous relationships often require significant emotional work:

1. Managing jealousy and insecurity
2. Supporting partners through their experiences with other relationships
3. Constant communication and check-ins
4. Processing complex emotions related to compersion and jealousy

Social and Family Pressures

Taormino acknowledges the external pressures nonmonogamous individuals may face:

1. Lack of understanding or acceptance from family and friends
2. Potential discrimination in professional settings
3. Limited legal protections for multiple-partner relationships
4. Navigating social events and holidays with multiple partners

Health Considerations

The author stresses the importance of sexual health in nonmonogamous relationships:

1. Increased risk of STI transmission if safe sex practices aren't followed
2. Need for regular health check-ups and open communication about sexual health
3. Potential emotional impact of health scares or diagnoses

Relationship Dynamics

Nonmonogamous relationships can face unique interpersonal challenges:

1. Navigating hierarchies between primary and secondary partners
2. Dealing with metamour relationships (your partner's other partners)
3. Managing transitions when relationships end or new ones begin
4. Balancing individual needs with those of multiple partners

Personal Challenges

Taormino points out that nonmonogamy can be personally challenging:

1. Confronting deeply ingrained monogamous conditioning
2. Dealing with unexpected emotional reactions
3. Maintaining a sense of self while juggling multiple relationships
4. Coping with the intensity of multiple emotional connections

Tools for Successful Nonmonogamy

Throughout "Opening Up," Taormino provides practical advice and tools for navigating the complexities of nonmonogamous relationships. These strategies can help individuals and couples create sustainable and fulfilling open relationships.

Communication Techniques

Effective communication is crucial in nonmonogamous relationships. Taormino suggests:

1. Regular check-ins with all partners
2. Using "I" statements to express feelings without blame
3. Active listening to ensure understanding
4. Being specific about needs and boundaries
5. Practicing non-violent communication techniques

Emotional Management

The author offers strategies for handling the intense emotions that can arise:

1. Journaling to process feelings
2. Mindfulness and meditation practices
3. Seeking therapy or counseling when needed
4. Developing self-soothing techniques
5. Practicing compersion exercises

Practical Tools

Taormino recommends several practical tools for managing nonmonogamous relationships:

1. Shared calendars for scheduling dates and events
2. Relationship agreements documents
3. Regular "state of the union" meetings with partners
4. Safe sex kits and regular STI testing
5. Separate spaces or "date nights" for each relationship

Building Support Networks

The book emphasizes the importance of community support:

1. Joining polyamorous or open relationship support groups
2. Attending workshops or conferences on nonmonogamy
3. Building friendships with other nonmonogamous individuals
4. Creating chosen families or "tribes"
5. Seeking out poly-friendly professionals (therapists, doctors, lawyers)

Self-Care Practices

Taormino stresses the importance of self-care in managing multiple relationships:

1. Setting aside alone time for personal reflection
2. Maintaining individual hobbies and interests
3. Practicing good sleep hygiene and stress management
4. Regular exercise and healthy eating
5. Learning to say "no" and set boundaries

Conflict Resolution

The author provides strategies for resolving conflicts in nonmonogamous relationships:

1. Using "time-outs" when discussions become heated
2. Employing neutral third-party mediators when needed
3. Focusing on finding solutions rather than assigning blame
4. Regularly revisiting and revising relationship agreements
5. Practicing forgiveness and letting go of grudges

Conclusion

In "Opening Up," Tristan Taormino presents a comprehensive guide to nonmonogamous relationships, challenging societal norms and offering a fresh perspective on love, intimacy, and human connections. She argues that the traditional model of monogamy, with its unrealistic expectations of finding a single person to fulfill all our needs, often leads to disappointment and infidelity.

Instead, Taormino proposes that openly acknowledging our diverse needs and desires can lead to more honest, fulfilling relationships. She explores various forms of nonmonogamy, from casual sexual arrangements to deep polyamorous connections, emphasizing that there's no one-size-fits-all approach.

The book doesn't shy away from the challenges of nonmonogamous relationships. Taormino addresses issues like jealousy, time management, and social stigma head-on, providing practical strategies for overcoming these obstacles. She emphasizes the crucial role of communication, presenting it as the cornerstone of successful open relationships.

One of the most intriguing concepts Taormino introduces is compersion - the joy one feels at a partner's happiness with another lover. This idea challenges our societal conditioning around jealousy and possessiveness, offering a more generous and loving approach to relationships.

Taormino also explores how nonmonogamous relationships can transform our understanding of family structures. She suggests that polyamorous networks can provide expanded support systems, potentially benefiting both adults and children.

Throughout the book, Taormino balances theory with practical advice, offering tools and techniques for navigating the complex terrain of open relationships. From communication strategies to legal considerations, she provides a roadmap for those interested in exploring nonmonogamy.

Ultimately, "Opening Up" is not just about sexual freedom. It's about personal growth, honest communication, and creating relationships that truly reflect our individual needs and desires. Taormino argues that by challenging traditional relationship models and being open to new possibilities, we can create more authentic, satisfying connections with others.

While nonmonogamy isn't for everyone, the principles Taormino discusses - such as clear communication, self-awareness, and the importance of trust - can benefit any relationship. Whether readers choose to open up their relationships or not, this book offers valuable insights into human sexuality, emotional intelligence, and the nature of love and commitment.

"Opening Up" is a thought-provoking and practical guide that challenges readers to question their assumptions about relationships and consider new possibilities for love and connection. It's a valuable resource for anyone interested in exploring alternative relationship structures or simply looking to improve their understanding of human sexuality and intimacy.