Introduction
In "Resurrecting Sex," David Schnarch offers a fresh perspective on addressing sexual problems in relationships. Unlike many other approaches that focus solely on physical sensations or individual pleasure, Schnarch's method emphasizes the importance of emotional intimacy and connection between partners. This book provides hope and practical guidance for couples struggling with sexual issues, showing that confronting these problems can lead to personal growth and even the most intense sexual experiences of their lives.
Schnarch's approach is based on his Quantum Model, which investigates the causes of sexual function rather than dysfunction. This holistic view takes into account the complex interplay of physical, emotional, and relational factors that contribute to a couple's sexual experiences. By understanding and addressing these various elements, couples can work together to overcome sexual difficulties and build a stronger, more satisfying relationship.
The Prevalence of Sexual Problems
It's important to recognize that sexual problems in otherwise healthy relationships are incredibly common. In fact, about half of all people in the United States report experiencing issues with sexual desire. This statistic highlights the fact that sexual difficulties are a normal part of human relationships and not a sign of personal failure or an irreparable problem.
The prevalence of these issues stems from the complex nature of human sexuality. Sex isn't just about physical pleasure; it's deeply intertwined with our emotions, self-image, and the dynamics of our relationships. Even when there are underlying physical or medical causes for sexual problems, the emotional connection between partners plays a crucial role in the overall sexual experience.
The Quantum Model: A New Approach to Sexual Function
Schnarch's Quantum Model offers a unique perspective on sexual function by focusing on the factors that contribute to positive sexual experiences rather than solely addressing dysfunction. This approach recognizes that human sexuality is multifaceted, involving various components such as health, physical stimulation, desire, and love.
The model identifies two key sexual response thresholds:
- Initial arousal threshold: The point at which genital response occurs
- Orgasm threshold: The point at which orgasm is achieved
To reach these thresholds, three components of total stimulation come into play:
- Receiving sensory stimulation
- The body's ability to respond
- Subjective emotions about what is being felt
Sexual dysfunction occurs when the total stimulation doesn't reach or drops below either of these thresholds. This understanding helps normalize sexual difficulties, framing them as a natural part of sexual functioning rather than a sign of personal deficiency.
Many couples develop a sexual routine that provides just enough total stimulation to reach orgasm. However, this approach leaves little room for variation or unexpected changes. Instead, Schnarch encourages couples to explore their sexual potential and aim to greatly exceed their thresholds. By doing so, their sexual relationship becomes more resilient and adaptable to minor changes in stimulation.
The Evolution of Human Sexuality
To fully appreciate the complexity of human sexual experiences, it's helpful to consider the evolutionary context. The development of the neocortex in humans about half a million years ago marked a significant shift in our sexual behavior. This evolutionary change led to the emergence of sexual desire for specific partners and introduced the concepts of meaning and intimacy into sexual relationships.
This evolutionary perspective highlights why addressing emotional and relational aspects is crucial when dealing with sexual problems. Our sexual experiences are deeply influenced by their emotional contexts, making it essential to consider both physical and psychological factors when working to improve sexual function.
Breaking the Comfort-Safety Cycle
Many couples find themselves stuck in what Schnarch calls the "comfort-safety cycle." This dynamic occurs when partners use their relationship primarily as a source of emotional security, validation, and safety. While this cycle can provide short-term stability, it often hinders long-term growth and can contribute to sexual problems.
The comfort-safety cycle typically manifests in two ways:
- Avoidance of conflict and a tendency toward accommodation
- Dependence on each other for self-worth and identity confirmation
While these dynamics might seem to stabilize a relationship, they can actually prevent couples from addressing underlying issues and growing together. To overcome sexual problems, it's often necessary to disrupt this cycle and enter a growth phase.
The author illustrates this concept through the story of Peter and Judy, a couple who appeared to have an ideal relationship but struggled with a nearly non-existent sex life. By avoiding conflict and accommodating each other's needs, they had inadvertently created a situation where their sexual issues remained unaddressed for years.
The turning point came when Peter finally spoke up about his dissatisfaction, disrupting their usual pattern of avoidance. This moment of honesty opened the door for them to discuss their problems and explore solutions together. By breaking out of their comfort-safety cycle, Peter and Judy entered a growth phase in their relationship, which, while initially uncomfortable, was necessary for long-term improvement.
The Importance of "Holding On to Yourself"
A key concept in Schnarch's approach is the idea of "holding on to yourself." This involves maintaining your sense of self and personal integrity within the relationship, even when it's uncomfortable or challenging. Holding on to yourself is crucial for addressing sexual problems and fostering growth in your relationship.
There are four main aspects to holding on to yourself:
Confronting yourself: This involves honestly examining your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and taking responsibility for your role in the relationship dynamics.
Tolerating discomfort: Growth often requires stepping out of your comfort zone and enduring short-term discomfort for long-term gains.
Learning to self-soothe: Developing the ability to manage your own emotions and anxieties, rather than relying solely on your partner for emotional regulation.
Remaining non-reactive: Staying calm and composed in the face of your partner's anxiety or provocations, rather than becoming defensive or emotionally volatile.
By practicing these aspects of holding on to yourself, you can create a more stable foundation for addressing sexual issues and improving your relationship overall. This approach allows you to maintain your individuality while still working collaboratively with your partner to overcome challenges.
Addressing Arousal Issues
Arousal problems are a common sexual difficulty that many couples face. These issues can manifest in various ways, such as pain during intercourse, difficulty becoming physically aroused, or emotional barriers that prevent full enjoyment of sexual experiences.
To effectively address arousal issues, Schnarch recommends a multi-faceted approach:
Identify the problem and its causes: Arousal issues generally fall into three categories:
- Pain or physical difficulty
- Insufficient stimulation
- Emotions or thoughts that impede enjoyment
Develop and implement a treatment plan: Don't limit yourself to a single approach. Tackling the problem from multiple angles increases your chances of success.
Seek medical advice: A thorough medical checkup can rule out or address any underlying physical issues.
Address pain sensitivity: Even after physical causes of pain are resolved, negative anticipation can persist. Developing active coping strategies and building positive anticipation for sexual experiences can help overcome this.
Optimize physical stimulation: This isn't just about technique; it also involves being emotionally present and connected with your partner during intimate moments.
Work on emotional connection: Being willing to connect emotionally with your partner is crucial for improving physical connection and arousal.
The author illustrates these principles through the story of Vivian and Armand. Vivian had experienced painful intercourse in a previous relationship, leading to the development of vaginismus. By openly communicating with Armand and working together to gradually increase physical intimacy, they were able to overcome Vivian's arousal issues and build a satisfying sexual relationship.
Understanding and Overcoming Orgasm Problems
Orgasm difficulties are another common sexual issue that many individuals and couples face. These problems can manifest as premature orgasm, delayed orgasm, or inability to reach orgasm. Schnarch emphasizes that anxiety is the most frequent cause of orgasm interference, and it can affect sexual function in two primary ways:
- Anxiety can increase stimulation, leading to premature orgasm (most common in men).
- Anxiety can prevent reaching the orgasm threshold (more common in women).
To address orgasm problems, it's essential to:
- Investigate the specific nature of the issue
- Customize your approach based on the underlying causes
- Address any anxiety-related factors
For individuals who have never experienced orgasm (often referred to as "pre-orgasmic"), reassurance, information, and improved stimulation techniques can often lead to success. For those who experience intermittent difficulties, it's important to examine partner-related anxiety, feelings of inadequacy, or the pressure to perform.
Some people may find it easier to achieve orgasm through masturbation but struggle during partnered sex. This can be due to a high orgasm threshold, difficulty creating an erotic mindset with a partner present, or embarrassment about sharing preferred stimulation methods.
The author uses the example of Jack and Brenda to illustrate how addressing orgasm problems requires vulnerability, open communication, and a willingness to confront long-standing issues. By creating a safe space to discuss their sexual difficulties, Jack and Brenda were able to make progress in improving their intimate connection.
The Role of Fantasies and Mental Stimulation
What goes on in your mind plays a crucial role in sexual functioning. Fantasies can be a powerful tool for enhancing arousal and reaching orgasm, but they can also create challenges in intimate relationships if partners feel disconnected or ashamed of their inner erotic worlds.
The story of Cindy and Boyd illustrates the complexities of integrating fantasies into a couple's sex life. Cindy relied on trigger fantasies to reach orgasm but felt unable to share them fully with Boyd. This led to a sense of disconnection and secret-keeping in their relationship.
To harness the power of fantasies while maintaining intimacy:
- Analyze and interrogate your inner fantasy world
- Explore the meanings and emotions behind your fantasies
- Work on creating a safe space to share fantasies with your partner
- Use fantasies as a tool for increasing intimacy and total stimulation during sex
It's important to remember that fantasies are often about more than just sexual acts; they can represent deeper needs for validation, acceptance, or intimacy. By understanding the underlying emotions and desires represented in fantasies, couples can use this information to strengthen their connection and improve their sexual experiences.
For those dealing with premature orgasm, mental stimulation plays a different role. The goal is to increase tolerance for stimulation rather than trying to mitigate it. This involves:
- Opening yourself emotionally to your partner
- Paying attention to what brings you to orgasm
- Teaching your partner the best ways to stimulate you
- Gradually increasing your tolerance for stimulation over time
By addressing the mental and emotional aspects of sexual function, couples can work together to overcome orgasm difficulties and create more satisfying intimate experiences.
The Role of Medical Treatments in Addressing Sexual Problems
While medical treatments can be helpful in addressing certain sexual problems, it's crucial to understand that they are not a cure-all solution. Many people turn to medical interventions hoping for a quick fix, but the success of these treatments ultimately depends on the quality of the relationship and the emotional connection between partners.
Some common medical treatments and aids include:
- Water-based personal lubricants
- Vibrators and dildos
- Surgical options (less common now)
- Medications like Viagra for erectile dysfunction
When used appropriately and with open communication between partners, these tools can help couples relax and enhance their sexual experiences. However, it's important to approach them as aids to intimacy rather than substitutes for emotional connection.
Schnarch emphasizes that the effectiveness of medical treatments, particularly medications like Viagra, can be influenced by psychological factors such as anxiety, distracting thoughts, and emotions. In clinical trials, a significant percentage of men responded positively to placebos, highlighting the powerful role that expectations and mental state play in sexual function.
To make the most of medical treatments and aids:
- Address underlying emotional issues in the relationship
- Maintain open communication with your partner about using these tools
- Focus on enhancing intimacy rather than compensating for perceived inadequacies
- Be willing to confront and work through any insecurities or fears that arise
By taking a holistic approach that combines medical interventions with emotional and relational work, couples can more effectively address sexual problems and build a stronger, more satisfying intimate life.
The Importance of Emotional Intimacy in Resolving Sexual Issues
Throughout "Resurrecting Sex," Schnarch emphasizes the critical role that emotional intimacy plays in addressing and overcoming sexual difficulties. While physical techniques and medical interventions can be helpful, true resolution of sexual problems often requires a deeper level of emotional connection between partners.
Key aspects of building emotional intimacy include:
Vulnerability: Being willing to share your true thoughts, feelings, and desires with your partner, even when it feels risky or uncomfortable.
Active listening: Truly hearing and attempting to understand your partner's perspective without becoming defensive or judgmental.
Empathy: Putting yourself in your partner's shoes and trying to understand their emotional experience.
Acceptance: Embracing your partner's whole self, including their flaws and the parts of them that may be challenging for you.
Trust: Building a foundation of reliability and emotional safety within the relationship.
Open communication: Regularly discussing your feelings, needs, and concerns related to your sexual relationship.
By focusing on these elements of emotional intimacy, couples can create a stronger foundation for addressing sexual problems. This deeper connection allows partners to work together more effectively in implementing solutions and navigating the challenges that may arise during the process of improving their sexual relationship.
The Growth Cycle: Embracing Change and Discomfort
One of the key messages in Schnarch's approach is the importance of moving from a comfort-safety cycle to a growth cycle in relationships. While the comfort-safety cycle may provide short-term stability, it often leads to stagnation and can exacerbate sexual problems over time.
The growth cycle involves:
- Recognizing the need for change
- Willingness to confront uncomfortable truths about yourself and your relationship
- Taking risks to express your authentic self and needs
- Tolerating anxiety and uncertainty as you navigate new relationship dynamics
- Supporting each other through the process of growth and change
Entering a growth cycle can be challenging and may initially increase anxiety within the relationship. However, this process is essential for long-term relationship health and the resolution of sexual difficulties. By embracing the growth cycle, couples can:
- Develop greater individual and relational resilience
- Improve communication and problem-solving skills
- Increase emotional intimacy and connection
- Discover new aspects of themselves and their partner
- Create a more satisfying and dynamic sexual relationship
It's important to remember that growth is an ongoing process, not a one-time event. Couples who commit to continual growth and adaptation are better equipped to handle future challenges and maintain a vibrant, satisfying relationship over time.
The Power of Repair Attempts
In any relationship, conflicts and misunderstandings are inevitable. What sets successful couples apart is their ability to make effective repair attempts. Schnarch emphasizes the importance of these repair attempts in building a collaborative alliance during times of growth and change.
Repair attempts are actions or statements that aim to reduce tension, reconnect emotionally, or prevent conflicts from escalating. Some examples include:
- Apologizing when you lose control of yourself
- Referring to meaningful moments when you've overcome challenges together
- Using gentle humor to ease tension
- Expressing appreciation for your partner's efforts
- Acknowledging your role in a conflict
The author suggests that it may take about six repair attempts before your partner responds positively, especially if your relationship has been struggling for a while. In more challenging situations, this number might double. The key is to persist in making these attempts, even when it feels difficult or you're not getting an immediate positive response.
Effective repair attempts require:
Sincerity: Your attempts should come from a genuine place of wanting to reconnect and improve the relationship.
Timing: Choose appropriate moments to make repair attempts, when both you and your partner are relatively calm and receptive.
Self-awareness: Recognize your own role in conflicts and be willing to take responsibility for your actions.
Patience: Understand that rebuilding trust and connection takes time, especially if there's been a history of hurt or disconnection.
Consistency: Make repair attempts a regular part of your relationship dynamic, not just during major conflicts.
By consistently making repair attempts, couples can build resilience in their relationship and create a foundation of trust and understanding. This, in turn, supports their efforts to address sexual problems and foster greater intimacy.
The Importance of Self-Soothing
One of the key skills Schnarch emphasizes for improving relationships and addressing sexual issues is the ability to self-soothe. This involves developing the capacity to manage your own emotions and anxieties without relying solely on your partner for comfort and reassurance.
Learning to self-soothe is crucial because:
- It reduces emotional dependency on your partner
- It allows you to remain calm and composed during challenging conversations or situations
- It helps you maintain your sense of self within the relationship
- It enables you to be more emotionally available to your partner
Techniques for developing self-soothing skills include:
- Mindfulness and meditation practices
- Deep breathing exercises
- Positive self-talk and affirmations
- Engaging in calming activities or hobbies
- Journaling or expressive writing
- Physical exercise or movement
By improving your ability to self-soothe, you become better equipped to navigate the challenges that arise when addressing sexual problems. You'll be able to tolerate the anxiety that often comes with growth and change, and you'll be less likely to become reactive or defensive during difficult conversations with your partner.
Embracing Vulnerability
Throughout "Resurrecting Sex," Schnarch emphasizes the importance of vulnerability in overcoming sexual difficulties and building a stronger relationship. Being vulnerable means allowing yourself to be truly seen by your partner, including your fears, insecurities, and desires.
Embracing vulnerability in your relationship can:
- Deepen emotional intimacy
- Foster greater trust and understanding
- Encourage honest communication about sexual needs and preferences
- Create opportunities for growth and healing
However, being vulnerable can also feel risky and uncomfortable. To cultivate vulnerability in your relationship:
- Start small: Share minor insecurities or concerns before tackling bigger issues
- Practice active listening: Create a safe space for your partner to be vulnerable by truly hearing them without judgment
- Acknowledge your partner's vulnerability: Express appreciation when your partner opens up to you
- Be patient: Building trust and comfort with vulnerability takes time
- Lead by example: Be willing to show your own vulnerability to encourage your partner to do the same
Remember that vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness. By allowing yourself to be vulnerable with your partner, you create opportunities for deeper connection and more satisfying intimacy.
The Role of Fantasies in Sexual Healing
Schnarch's approach recognizes the powerful role that fantasies can play in addressing sexual problems and enhancing intimacy. Rather than viewing fantasies as something to be ashamed of or hidden, he encourages couples to explore and share their inner erotic worlds as a means of deepening their connection.
Key points about working with fantasies include:
- Fantasies often represent deeper emotional needs beyond just sexual acts
- Sharing fantasies can increase vulnerability and intimacy between partners
- Exploring the meaning behind fantasies can lead to greater self-understanding
- Incorporating elements of fantasies into your sex life can enhance arousal and satisfaction
To effectively work with fantasies in your relationship:
- Create a judgment-free space for sharing and discussing fantasies
- Explore the emotions and needs underlying your fantasies
- Be open to your partner's fantasies, even if they differ from your own
- Look for ways to incorporate elements of fantasies into your sexual experiences
- Use fantasies as a tool for increasing total stimulation during sex
Remember that the goal is not necessarily to act out every fantasy, but to use them as a means of understanding each other better and enhancing your sexual connection.
Overcoming Sexual Pain and Anxiety
For many individuals and couples, sexual pain and anxiety can be significant barriers to a satisfying intimate life. Schnarch's approach emphasizes the importance of addressing both the physical and emotional aspects of these issues.
To overcome sexual pain and anxiety:
- Seek medical advice to rule out or address any underlying physical causes
- Develop a gradual, patient approach to physical intimacy
- Practice open communication about fears, concerns, and physical sensations
- Use relaxation techniques and mindfulness to reduce anxiety
- Focus on building positive anticipation for sexual experiences
- Explore non-penetrative forms of sexual pleasure and intimacy
The author stresses the importance of creating a collaborative alliance between partners when addressing these issues. By working together with patience, understanding, and a willingness to explore new approaches, couples can overcome sexual pain and anxiety and build a more satisfying intimate life.
The Importance of Holding On to Yourself in Sexual Relationships
Throughout "Resurrecting Sex," Schnarch emphasizes the concept of "holding on to yourself" as a crucial element in addressing sexual problems and building a stronger relationship. This involves maintaining your sense of self and personal integrity within the relationship, even when facing challenges or disagreements.
Key aspects of holding on to yourself in sexual relationships include:
- Maintaining your own identity and values
- Being able to self-soothe and manage your own emotions
- Expressing your needs and desires honestly
- Standing firm in your convictions while remaining open to your partner's perspective
- Taking responsibility for your own growth and happiness
By holding on to yourself, you create a more stable foundation for addressing sexual issues and fostering intimacy. This approach allows both partners to bring their authentic selves to the relationship, leading to deeper connection and more satisfying sexual experiences.
Conclusion: A Holistic Approach to Resurrecting Sex
In "Resurrecting Sex," David Schnarch presents a comprehensive, intimacy-based approach to addressing sexual problems in relationships. By focusing on emotional connection, personal growth, and the complex interplay of physical and psychological factors, couples can work together to overcome sexual difficulties and build a more satisfying intimate life.
Key takeaways from the book include:
- Sexual problems are common and normal in relationships
- Addressing sexual issues requires a multidimensional approach
- Emotional intimacy is crucial for resolving sexual difficulties
- Holding on to yourself and maintaining personal integrity is essential
- Embracing vulnerability and open communication fosters growth and connection
- Understanding and working with fantasies can enhance sexual experiences
- Medical treatments can be helpful but are not a cure-all solution
- Overcoming sexual problems often requires disrupting comfort-safety cycles and entering a growth phase
- Developing self-soothing skills and making repair attempts strengthens relationships
- A collaborative alliance between partners is key to success
By applying these principles and being willing to confront challenges together, couples can not only resurrect their sex lives but also deepen their overall relationship. The journey may not always be easy, but the rewards of a more intimate, satisfying, and resilient partnership are well worth the effort.