Sacred Cows Summary

Why does society idolize marriage while branding divorce as a moral failure? It's time to examine the sacred cows behind these beliefs.

1. Sacred cows skew societal norms.

Cultural assumptions, or "sacred cows," shape the way we think about marriage and divorce. They develop over time, becoming entrenched dogmas that people rarely question. These assumptions often appear as unquestionable truths, even when evidence or lived experiences suggest otherwise.

Historically, some sacred cows—like the belief in a flat Earth—were proven false through scientific inquiry. But breaking these entrenched ideas isn’t easy and often requires courage to challenge societal norms. This same difficulty applies to modern perceptions of marriage and divorce. Instead of seeing divorce as personal, society deems it a moral shortcoming.

Married couples are held in high societal regard. They are seen as symbols of stability, responsibility, and care, while divorcees are often considered selfish or “defective.” By clinging to this flawed narrative, society discourages honest conversations about the realities of evolving relationships.

Examples

• Galileo’s challenges to the geocentric worldview were met with severe backlash.
• Divorce is often depicted as a failure in movies and TV, reinforcing negative stereotypes.
• Celebrity divorces are sensationalized in media, focusing on scandal rather than life's complexities.

2. Holy Cow values “forever” over happiness.

The Holy Cow represents the belief that marriage is inherently good and should last forever. It upholds the idea that breaking vows is selfish or weak, despite the impossibility of predicting how feelings may change over time.

No one can guarantee eternal love, yet vows often include promises such as loving "until death do us part." This expectation doesn’t align with the unpredictable nature of human emotions. Relationships may begin in passion and commitment, but they can reach a point where staying together causes unhappiness or resentment.

Take the metaphor of a winter coat: initially wonderful in the cold but unbearable in the heat. Life circumstances shift, and rigid commitments sometimes become impractical. Yet, the Holy Cow guilt-trips those considering divorce into staying in unfulfilling relationships.

Examples

• The unyielding expectation in marriage vows often ignores life’s inevitable changes.
• Studies showing a decrease in divorce rates are used to shame those contemplating separation.
• Religious doctrines often equate divorce with personal failure.

3. Expert Cow pushes one-size-fits-all solutions.

Despite good intentions, some experts—counselors or self-help authors—recommend blanket solutions based on their biases. The Expert Cow represents this rigid framework, often disregarding individual uniqueness for general guidelines.

When a couple seeks therapy and one partner clearly expresses disinterest in continuing the relationship, forcing them into “standard fixes” dismisses their personal needs. The Expert Cow often prioritizes retaining the structure of marriage over individual satisfaction. This undermines the value of self-exploration and finding appropriate solutions.

Seeking help should empower individuals to understand their emotions and desires. Without tailored support, expert advice risks causing more tension rather than resolving marital issues.

Examples

• A therapist encouraging a woman to reignite passion despite her lack of emotional connection.
• Some self-help books claim that communication exercises suit every marriage.
• Misused therapy sessions pressure individuals to stay even when one partner feels incompatible.

4. Defective Cow blames individuals for relationship problems.

The Defective Cow suggests that anyone contemplating divorce is at fault. This figure upholds the idea that something is “wrong” with people who can’t make their marriage work.

For instance, a lost libido in a marriage might lead the Defective Cow to accuse someone of poor self-esteem or an unhealthy lifestyle. It discounts the possibility that the relationship might no longer bring joy or connection. By assigning blame, this reaction reinforces feelings of shame.

Problems occur due to poor compatibility or natural drift, not moral failings. Choices about ending a relationship should focus on individual well-being rather than societal pressures to maintain appearances.

Examples

• Criticizing a woman who feels trapped for prioritizing her emotional needs.
• Suggesting psychological or medical interventions when a relationship feels stale.
• Viewing divorce as the individual’s failure rather than an amicable decision.

5. Correlation doesn’t equal causation: The Innocent Victim Cow uses guilt.

The Innocent Victim Cow leans heavily on guilt—especially through misused statistics. It claims that divorce negatively impacts others, particularly children, when in fact, these arguments frequently confuse correlation with causation.

Statistics might show that children of divorced parents have a higher likelihood of divorce. But such data doesn’t prove that divorce causes unhappiness or relationship difficulties. Misinterpreting these figures pressures parents to stay together “for the kids,” perpetuating toxic or unworkable relationships.

Rather than focusing on the fallout of divorce, society should consider the potential benefits of happier, healthier households where individuals make decisions based on emotional growth.

Examples

• Statistics correlating broken homes with lower academic performance misuse causal arguments.
• Divorce myths create false fears about emotional harm to children.
• Comparing wealth and horse ownership to illustrate similar statistical misinterpretations.

6. Individual happiness takes a backseat to societal expectations.

Marriage usually caters more to societal ideals than individual well-being. The pressure to conform leads many to stay in marriages that might no longer serve them emotionally or mentally.

While society thinks married people contribute positively to stability, this ignores personal struggles. Relationships have a natural ebb and flow; the willingness to address this reality is key to maintaining a healthy balance.

Sacrificing one’s happiness to meet traditional standards ultimately benefits no one. Resisting this pressure allows individuals to make decisions that prioritize emotional fulfillment.

Examples

• Religious rhetoric urging people to “try harder” in relationships despite obvious incompatibility.
• People in unhappy marriages staying for fear of judgment or shame.
• Media portraying single parents negatively compared to married couples.

7. Divorce stigma limits understanding.

The stigma around divorce hampers honest discussions about its realities. Society often labels it as “bad” without considering the nuances of different circumstances.

This one-sided narrative prevents people from exploring separation as a valid option. Open conversations can help frame divorce not as a failure but as a responsible choice when couples grow apart or face irreconcilable differences.

Reducing stigma requires embracing empathy. By challenging traditional narratives about marriage, society can foster healthier views about diverse relationship paths.

Examples

• Divorcees are often excluded from certain social events or communities.
• Legal battles over custody often paint one party unfairly as the “bad parent."
• Public discourse assumes marriage equals success, ignoring personal struggles.

8. Relationships are fluid, not rigid.

One of the book’s central arguments is that relationships evolve over time. While some couples adapt and flourish, others might naturally drift apart. Human emotions and circumstances are far too complex for a one-size-fits-all trajectory.

Accepting fluidity allows individuals to see divorce as a new beginning rather than the end. Relationships should evolve to reflect the growth of both partners, not bind them in dissatisfaction.

Healthy relationships depend on adaptability. Recognizing when to let go is not weakness but emotional intelligence.

Examples

• Friends falling out due to diverging life paths mirror marital drifts.
• Some couples divorce but maintain healthy friendships afterward.
• Cohabitation without legal ties is increasingly viewed as a viable alternative.

9. Empower yourself to challenge social mores.

The book argues for challenging social dogma and prioritizing self-awareness. Staying married shouldn’t stem from fear of judgment but a genuine desire to continue a partnership.

Listening to one's desires first instead of others’ expectations leads to better, more informed decisions. By scrutinizing sacred cows like "marital permanence," individuals can embrace lives tailored to their unique needs.

Understanding personal goals leads to better alignment with partners. Prioritizing authenticity surpasses conformity.

Examples

• Those who prioritize personal happiness over tradition often lead fulfilling lives.
• Breaking free from toxic relationships permits greater personal growth.
• Celebrities advocating for amicable divorces showcase healthier approaches to ending relationships.

Takeaways

1. Challenge societal assumptions about marriage and listen to what truly brings you happiness.
2. Evaluate expert advice critically and ensure it aligns with your own values and needs.
3. Break free from guilt-based narratives; prioritize self-reflection when making relationship decisions.