Introduction
In a world where romantic comedies and fairy tales often shape our expectations of marriage, Gary L. Thomas's "Sacred Marriage" offers a refreshing and profound perspective on the true purpose of matrimony. This book challenges the notion that marriage is primarily about personal happiness and instead proposes that it is a pathway to holiness and spiritual growth.
Thomas argues that the ultimate goal of marriage isn't to make us happy, but to make us holy. He presents marriage as a spiritual discipline, a means through which we can grow closer to God and develop Christ-like character. This book summary will explore the key ideas presented in "Sacred Marriage," offering insights into how couples can use their relationship to deepen their faith and become more like Christ.
The True Purpose of Marriage: Holiness, Not Happiness
One of the central themes of "Sacred Marriage" is that the ultimate purpose of marriage isn't happiness, but holiness. This might seem counterintuitive at first, especially in a culture that often emphasizes personal fulfillment above all else. However, Thomas argues that by shifting our focus from seeking happiness to pursuing holiness, we can find a deeper, more meaningful connection with both our spouse and God.
Marriage, like any long-term commitment, comes with its share of challenges. There are moments of joy and excitement, but also periods of monotony and hardship. When faced with difficulties, some couples might resort to hurtful behavior or even consider ending the relationship. However, Thomas encourages readers to view these challenges as opportunities for personal and spiritual growth.
By embracing the idea that marriage is about becoming holy rather than just being happy, couples can approach their relationship with a different mindset. Instead of asking, "What will make me happy?" they can ask, "What will please God?" This shift in perspective can lead to a more mature and resilient relationship.
Thomas reminds us that for Christians, marriage is a temporary reality in the grand scheme of eternity. The goal, therefore, should be to use this earthly union as a means to grow closer to God and to undergo personal transformation. This doesn't mean that happiness is unimportant, but rather that it should be seen as a byproduct of pursuing holiness together.
Love and Respect: Cornerstones of a Christian Marriage
Thomas emphasizes the importance of practicing Christian virtues within marriage, particularly love and respect. He argues that loving your spouse is one of the most spiritual acts you can perform, as it reflects Christ's love for the church.
Love in marriage goes beyond romantic feelings. It's about choosing to love your partner even when it's difficult, and striving to reflect Christ's selfless love in your actions. This kind of love doesn't depend on whether it's reciprocated or whether your spouse meets your expectations. Instead, it's about loving unconditionally, just as Christ loves us.
Respect is another crucial element in a Christian marriage. Thomas points out that as both male and female are made in God's image, treating your spouse with respect is a Christian duty. This respect should be active, not passive. It involves cultivating gratitude and expressing it verbally, focusing on your spouse's positive qualities rather than their faults.
To foster respect, Thomas suggests a simple spiritual exercise: try to gain a deeper understanding of your spouse's daily life. Ask about their challenges, fears, and struggles. This understanding can boost empathy and make it easier to honor and respect your partner.
Confronting Sin and Practicing Forgiveness
Marriage has a unique way of exposing our flaws and weaknesses. Thomas sees this as a positive aspect of marriage, as it provides an opportunity for personal growth and spiritual development.
In the close quarters of marriage, it becomes difficult to hide our true selves. Our selfish attitudes, anger issues, or controlling tendencies come to light. While this can be uncomfortable, Thomas encourages readers to view it as an opportunity to confront their sins, grow in humility, and become more Christ-like.
Instead of hiding from these revelations or blaming your spouse, Thomas suggests using them as a catalyst for change. He recommends asking your spouse where they see areas for improvement in your life and then working to address these issues.
Of course, this process goes both ways. Your spouse will also have flaws and may hurt you, intentionally or unintentionally. This is where the Christian virtue of forgiveness comes into play. Thomas emphasizes the importance of "hating the sin but loving the sinner" in marriage.
Forgiveness in marriage isn't about pretending the hurt didn't happen. It's about choosing to love your spouse despite their faults, just as God loves us despite our sins. It involves empathizing with your spouse's pain, even when you're the one who's been hurt, and prioritizing the relationship over "winning" an argument.
Building Perseverance and Character Through Marital Challenges
Thomas points out that marriage, by its very nature, requires perseverance. With increasing life expectancies, marriages today can last for six, seven, or even eight decades. This longevity means that couples are likely to face periods of monotony, as well as significant challenges.
Rather than viewing these challenges negatively, Thomas encourages readers to see them as opportunities to build perseverance and character. He draws parallels between the perseverance required in marriage and the perseverance of Christ, suggesting that by sticking with your spouse through good times and bad, you can mirror Christ's character.
Thomas offers several strategies for persevering through tough times in marriage. One is to meditate on the afterlife, which can help put current hardships into perspective. Another is to focus on the beauty of your union, honoring your marital story and making it a part of your identity. Finally, he encourages couples to acknowledge that their struggles are fostering spiritual growth.
The author emphasizes that a good marriage isn't something that just happens – it's something that requires conscious effort and work. He argues that it doesn't matter if you married the "right" person; what matters is how you choose to love and serve the person you married. Through this process of working on your marriage, you can develop patience, understanding, and other Christ-like qualities.
Embracing Sacrifice and Service in Marriage
In a culture that often emphasizes self-care and personal boundaries, Thomas's call to embrace sacrifice and service in marriage might seem radical. However, he argues that this approach to marriage aligns with Christ's teachings and example.
Thomas points to Philippians 2, where Paul encourages believers to value others above themselves. He suggests that marriage provides a unique opportunity to practice this kind of selflessness on a daily basis. This might involve small acts of service, like changing diapers in the middle of the night, or larger sacrifices of personal desires for the good of the relationship.
Even sex, Thomas argues, can be an act of service within marriage. He encourages couples to approach physical intimacy with a spirit of giving, putting their partner's needs and desires before their own. This selfless approach to sex can deepen the marital bond and even enhance one's spiritual life.
Thomas encourages readers to let this spirit of servanthood permeate all aspects of their marriage – from daily conversations to financial decisions. He suggests praying for God to expose areas of selfishness and guide you towards a more giving character. The key, he emphasizes, is to perform these acts of service freely and without resentment, as this is what leads to true joy.
Communication as a Spiritual Discipline
Thomas presents an intriguing perspective on communication in marriage, framing it as a way to invite God's presence into daily life. He argues that while some might seek closeness to God through solitude or meditation, married individuals can find it through righteous communication with their spouse.
Communication in marriage, Thomas suggests, can be viewed as a discipline of love. It involves sharing your inner self with your spouse, mirroring the way God reaches out to us. This process of opening up to another person can be an ego-emptying exercise, teaching us to step out of our own perspective and see things from another's point of view.
Moreover, Thomas proposes that couples can use communication to encourage each other's spiritual growth. By gently nudging each other towards greater awareness of God's presence, couples can become a "holy unit" pursuing God together.
The author emphasizes the importance of how we communicate. He points out that our words have the power to either draw God's presence closer or push it away. Righteous speech, he argues, can calm chaos and bring joy and life, while hurtful speech can lead to despair.
Sex as a Spiritual Act
Thomas takes a refreshingly positive view of sexuality within marriage. Rather than viewing sex as something shameful or purely physical, he presents it as a God-designed gift that can enhance both marital and spiritual life.
The author encourages couples to approach sex with gratitude, recognizing it as a beautiful aspect of marriage designed by God. He suggests that feelings of shame or guilt around sex can be countered by actively thanking God for the pleasure and deep connection that physical intimacy can bring.
Interestingly, Thomas draws parallels between sexual expression and prayer life. He points out that both involve devotion, awareness, submission, and expressions of adoration. He suggests that a fulfilling sex life can actually enhance one's prayer life by freeing the mind to focus more fully on spiritual matters.
Moreover, Thomas proposes that the passion experienced in sexual intimacy can spill over into other areas of life, including one's relationship with God. He encourages couples to embrace passion within the context of marriage and service, arguing that no amount of passion is too much when it's directed towards godly purposes.
Conclusion: Marriage as a Spiritual Journey
In "Sacred Marriage," Gary Thomas presents a view of marriage that goes far beyond romantic notions of happily ever after. He portrays marriage as a spiritual discipline, a vehicle for personal growth and closeness to God.
The key ideas presented in the book challenge us to:
- View marriage as a path to holiness rather than just happiness
- Practice love and respect as cornerstones of a Christian marriage
- Use marital challenges as opportunities to confront sin and practice forgiveness
- Build perseverance and character through the ups and downs of married life
- Embrace sacrifice and service as ways to emulate Christ
- Use communication as a spiritual discipline to invite God's presence into daily life
- Approach sex as a spiritual act that can enhance both marital and spiritual life
Thomas argues that by adopting these perspectives and practices, couples can not only strengthen their marriages but also deepen their faith and become more Christ-like in character.
It's important to note that Thomas doesn't promise an easy journey. He acknowledges that marriage, like any spiritual discipline, involves challenges and sacrifices. However, he assures readers that the rewards – both in terms of a stronger marriage and a deeper relationship with God – are well worth the effort.
Ultimately, "Sacred Marriage" invites couples to view their relationship through a spiritual lens. It encourages them to see every interaction, every challenge, and every joy as an opportunity to grow closer to each other and to God. By doing so, Thomas suggests, couples can transform their marriage from a mere social contract into a powerful spiritual journey – one that leads them towards greater holiness and a deeper understanding of God's love.