Shameless Summary

“What if the church stopped being a place of shame and started being a place of healing for everyone’s sexuality?”

1. The Church’s Sexual Teachings Exclude and Harm Many

The church has long imposed rigid rules about sexuality, dictating that only heterosexual, cisgender, married couples can engage in sexual activity. These teachings leave no room for people who don’t fit this mold, such as LGBTQ+ individuals, unmarried people, or those who reject traditional gender roles. This exclusion forces many to suppress integral parts of themselves, leading to feelings of shame and inadequacy.

The author, Nadia Bolz-Weber, compares this to a school requiring all students to wear a one-size-fits-all uniform. For some, the uniform is too tight; for others, it’s too loose. Similarly, the church’s teachings don’t fit everyone, yet people are expected to conform or face judgment. This often results in people denying their true selves, which can cause emotional and spiritual harm.

Bolz-Weber shares stories from her congregation to illustrate this harm. She describes young couples who, even after marriage, struggle to enjoy sex because they’ve been taught it’s sinful. She also recounts the experiences of LGBTQ+ individuals who hide their identities, believing they are inherently wrong. These examples highlight the need for the church to revise its teachings to prioritize people’s well-being over rigid rules.

Examples

• A lesbian congregant who hid her sexuality for years, leading to self-harm after her marriage to a man failed.
• A young couple who couldn’t enjoy sex after marriage due to years of being told it was sinful.
• LGBTQ+ Christians who feel excluded and shamed by the church’s teachings.

2. Sexuality is a Divine Gift, Not a Source of Shame

Bolz-Weber argues that sexuality is a gift from God, meant to be explored and celebrated rather than suppressed. She points to human anatomy, such as the clitoris, which exists solely for pleasure, as evidence that sexual desire and enjoyment are natural and God-given.

Despite this, the church often teaches that sexual desire is sinful unless it occurs within narrow confines. This suppression can have devastating effects. Bolz-Weber shares the story of a teenager who was told not to even think about sex. This led him to struggle with intimacy and eventually develop a pornography addiction. Similarly, a woman who was taught her attraction to other women was wrong turned to self-harm after years of hiding her true self.

The author believes that suppressing sexuality denies a fundamental part of human identity. Instead of shaming people for their desires, the church should encourage them to embrace their sexuality in healthy, consensual ways. This shift could prevent the emotional and psychological harm caused by repression.

Examples

• A teenager who became addicted to pornography after being told sexual thoughts were sinful.
• A woman who self-harmed after years of hiding her attraction to other women.
• A couple who struggled to form a healthy sexual relationship after years of abstinence.

3. Purity Culture Separates People Instead of Making Them Holy

The church often equates sexual purity with holiness, but Bolz-Weber challenges this idea. She argues that true holiness is about connection – with God, with others, and with oneself. Jesus exemplified this by connecting with people society deemed unclean, such as lepers and outcasts.

Purity culture, on the other hand, creates division. It separates people into “pure” insiders and “impure” outsiders, fostering judgment and shame. Bolz-Weber shares the story of a woman who felt inadequate and guilty after leaving a conservative church and engaging in casual sex. This guilt stemmed from the purity teachings she had internalized, which made it difficult for her to connect with her own desires.

The author believes that sexual experiences, when consensual and mutual, can be holy because they reflect the unity and connection God intended for humanity. Instead of focusing on purity, the church should emphasize relationships built on love, respect, and care.

Examples

• Jesus touching and healing people considered unclean by society.
• A woman who felt guilty and inadequate after leaving purity culture.
• The division between “pure” and “impure” individuals created by purity teachings.

4. The Church’s Teachings on Male Dominance Contribute to Sexual Harassment

For centuries, the church has justified male dominance by blaming women for humanity’s fall. Early Christian leaders like Tertullian and Augustine perpetuated the idea that women are inherently sinful and must be controlled by men. Bolz-Weber argues that this belief has contributed to the widespread sexual harassment and abuse of women.

She shares her own experience of being sexually harassed as a child, linking it to the church’s teachings that men have power over women. This mindset not only harms women but also distorts men’s understanding of their own sexuality and relationships.

Bolz-Weber turns to the Bible to challenge these teachings. The Book of Genesis states that both men and women are created in God’s image, meaning they are equal and deserving of dignity. The author calls for the church to reject male dominance and promote equality and respect in all relationships.

Examples

• Tertullian’s claim that women tarnished God’s image through Eve’s sin.
• Augustine’s belief that women inherited Eve’s sin and must be dominated by men.
• Bolz-Weber’s childhood experience of sexual harassment.

5. A New Sexual Ethic Based on Consent and Care

Bolz-Weber proposes a new Christian sexual ethic rooted in consent, mutuality, and concern for others’ well-being. She draws inspiration from the World Health Organization’s definition of sexual health, which emphasizes the importance of consensual and enjoyable sexual experiences.

This new ethic also includes a sense of responsibility for how one’s sexual behavior affects others. For example, a man who cheats on his wife may have consensual sex, but he is not showing concern for her well-being. Similarly, a partner who ignores their significant other’s emotional state during sex is failing to act with care.

Bolz-Weber connects this idea to Martin Luther’s interpretation of the Ten Commandments. Luther believed the commandments were not just prohibitions but also opportunities to do good. In the same way, a Christian sexual ethic should go beyond avoiding harm and actively promote love, respect, and care.

Examples

• The WHO’s definition of sexual health as consensual and enjoyable.
• A man cheating on his wife, showing a lack of concern for her well-being.
• Martin Luther’s view of the commandments as opportunities to do good.

6. Healing Requires Acknowledging Sexual Shame

To heal from the shame caused by the church’s teachings, people must openly acknowledge their pain. Bolz-Weber compares this to Jesus showing his crucifixion scars to his disciples. Just as Jesus’ scars identified him, sharing emotional scars can help people connect with others and find community.

However, many people avoid confronting their shame, fearing judgment or rejection. This avoidance prevents them from processing their experiences and moving forward. Bolz-Weber shares her own experience of grieving her divorce, emphasizing the importance of allowing oneself to feel and process emotions.

The author encourages people to seek safe spaces where they can share their stories and begin to heal. These spaces might include supportive friendships, therapy, or inclusive church communities that embrace people’s full humanity.

Examples

• Jesus showing his scars to his disciples after the resurrection.
• Bolz-Weber grieving her divorce on its anniversary.
• Inclusive church communities that provide safe spaces for healing.

Takeaways

1. Reflect on how the church’s teachings about sexuality have shaped your beliefs and behaviors. Consider whether these teachings align with your values and well-being.
2. Seek out safe spaces where you can share your experiences and process any shame or pain related to your sexuality.
3. Embrace a new sexual ethic based on consent, mutuality, and care for others, and encourage others to do the same.