Introduction
In a world that often equates happiness with being in a relationship, John Kim's "Single on Purpose" offers a refreshing perspective on singlehood. This book isn't your typical self-help guide for finding "the one." Instead, it's an invitation to embark on a journey of self-discovery and personal growth. Kim challenges readers to view being single not as a relationship status, but as a state of mind - one that offers unique opportunities for self-reflection and development.
The book's central message is clear: being single isn't about finding the one; it's about becoming the one. Kim encourages readers to use their time as a single person to reconnect with themselves, rethink their approach to attraction, and ultimately, create a life they love - regardless of their relationship status.
Let's dive into the key ideas that make "Single on Purpose" a must-read for anyone navigating the waters of singlehood or seeking personal growth.
Reconnecting with Yourself
Kim begins by addressing a common experience among single people: feeling lost and alone. He compares this to sailing solo on a vast ocean, where it's easy to feel disconnected from your personal North Star. In these moments, there's often a temptation to seek out a relationship to "complete" you. However, Kim suggests a different approach.
Embracing Loneliness
Rather than viewing loneliness as a monster under the bed or a personal failure, Kim encourages readers to see it as an opportunity. Loneliness, he argues, is simply another chapter in the book of life - a chance to get to know ourselves better. By accepting ourselves, flaws and all, we can navigate this chapter more effectively.
Kim emphasizes that feeling alone isn't a sign of being broken. Instead, it's a nudge reminding us to check in with ourselves. It's like a warning light on a car dashboard, signaling that we need to take better care of ourselves. By focusing on the parts of ourselves we might have been neglecting, we can actually reduce feelings of loneliness over time.
Finding Fulfillment Beyond Relationships
One of the book's key messages is that fulfillment and joy don't solely come from romantic relationships. Kim challenges the societal narrative that paints love and relationships as the ultimate goal in life. Instead, he encourages readers to be present and appreciate life's beauty in the here and now, regardless of relationship status.
Kim points out that even being in a relationship doesn't guarantee happiness or ward off loneliness. In fact, he argues that the best relationships are formed between two people who have already found joy and purpose in their own lives.
Practical Steps for Self-Connection
To help readers reconnect with themselves, Kim offers several practical suggestions:
Engage in activities that light you up: Whether it's hiking, painting, playing an instrument, or simply people-watching in a park, find pursuits that make you feel alive. These activities can enhance your sense of self-worth and identity beyond romantic relationships.
Invest time in physical activities: Fostering a positive relationship with your body and your own sexuality can lead to greater self-confidence and self-worth.
Date yourself: Schedule regular "self-dates" that feed your physical, emotional, and spiritual fitness. These could become habits that bring positive changes to your life, regardless of your relationship status.
By learning to truly enjoy your own company, Kim argues, you can cultivate a profound sense of self-love, acceptance, and inner peace.
Rethinking Attraction
In the next section of the book, Kim delves into the complex world of attraction and past relationships. He encourages readers to reflect on their relationship history as a way to understand themselves better and identify patterns that might have kept them distant from their true selves and others.
Understanding Past Attractions
Kim takes readers on a journey through different life stages, exploring how our concept of attraction evolves:
Teenage years: During this time, we often find ourselves drawn to those who have qualities we feel we're lacking, or to boost our self-esteem.
Familiarity: We're often pulled toward what feels familiar, even if it's not healthy. If you grew up in chaos, you might unknowingly seek out similar dynamics in your relationships.
Twenties: This is often a time when we might lose ourselves in the comfort of our first serious relationship, potentially trading personal dreams for shared experiences.
Thirties and forties: These decades are often marked by self-discovery and the desire to untangle ourselves from early relationships to pursue true aspirations.
The Importance of Acceptance
Kim emphasizes that acceptance is key to moving forward. Embracing the full range of your feelings - including loss, change, and resentment - is an essential part of the journey. It's the "magic ticket" that moves you from a lingering past to a promising future, enabling you to live fully in the present without judgment or resistance.
Processing Past Relationships
The author stresses the importance of acknowledging and processing feelings of loss and grief, especially when it comes to relationships that were once central to your life. Unprocessed emotions, he warns, are like heavy backpacks that you carry into the future, potentially sabotaging future relationships.
By actively working through your feelings from past relationships, you pave the way for healing and for being more present in your current relationships. This reflective journey fosters a deeper connection with yourself and enables you to live a more authentic, fulfilling life - whether you're single or in a relationship.
Declaring Yourself Single
Kim introduces a six-step journey toward growth and self-love, which he presents as a process that transcends relationship status. This journey unfolds like a personal epic, guiding readers through the following steps:
Step 1: Accept Your Relationship Has Expired
Kim encourages readers to shift their mindset and accept that their past relationship has ended. Rather than dwelling on "what ifs," he suggests embracing the end and letting go. This step is about recognizing that relationships can be seasonal rather than perennial.
Step 2: Cut the Cord
This step involves setting firm boundaries and creating space for healing. Kim advises unfriending, unfollowing, and halting communication with ex-partners. For situations involving children or high emotions, he suggests using mediators or counselors to navigate the process.
Step 3: Take Ownership
Kim emphasizes the importance of taking responsibility for your part in the breakup. He warns against playing the blame game, which can put you in a victim mentality. However, he notes that this doesn't apply to abusive relationships. For others, understanding your role in the breakup can be a catalyst for growth.
Step 4: Focus on You
This step is all about self-love and getting to know yourself again. Kim advises against quick rebounds and instead encourages readers to become comfortable in their own company. This isn't just about "dating yourself" or picking up new hobbies, but about connecting with your inner self and breaking old patterns.
Step 5: Establish Non-Negotiables
Kim introduces the concept of "non-negotiables" - relationship standards that you won't compromise on anymore. He encourages readers to go beyond surface-level preferences and focus on what they genuinely need for their self-worth. These non-negotiables, he argues, should apply to all aspects of life, not just romantic relationships.
Step 6: Smash the Clock
The final step involves letting go of the idea that healing has a timeline. Kim emphasizes that everyone's healing process is unique and that there's no set time frame for getting over a breakup. He encourages readers to be patient with themselves and resist comparing their recovery time to others'.
Throughout this process, Kim reminds readers that this is their personal journey. He encourages them to stick with it and lean into the process, emphasizing that they're not just going through life, but growing through it.
Exploring Your Drive
In this section, Kim uses the metaphor of a four-piston engine to describe the components of a healthy sex drive. He emphasizes that feeling good about yourself is crucial for a thriving sex drive.
Piston 1: Movement
Kim stresses the importance of physical activity in igniting one's "sexy side." He encourages readers to find forms of exercise that foster a connection to their body, whether it's dancing, playing sports, or working out. The relationship developed with one's body through movement, he argues, can make you feel more like yourself and bring numerous other benefits.
Piston 2: Self-Liking
Addressing insecurities and fostering self-acceptance is crucial for a healthy sex drive. Kim encourages readers to shower themselves with kindness, discipline, and care. He reminds them that self-acceptance is the fuel that makes this piston fire strong.
Piston 3: Mental Game
Kim emphasizes the impact of beliefs about sex and sexuality on one's sex drive. He encourages readers to let go of shame and guilt surrounding their sexuality and how they experience pleasure. If necessary, he suggests taking a break from sex until one is ready to accept themselves and their partner without reservations.
Piston 4: Feeling Sexy
The final piston involves engaging in activities that awaken one's sensual side. Kim encourages readers to dress up, strut with confidence, and remind themselves that they don't need a partner to feel sexy. He also emphasizes the importance of self-exploration and self-pleasure in strengthening one's sexual connection with oneself.
Kim concludes this section by reminding readers that self-care, physical activity, and embracing individuality can spark joy regardless of relationship status. He encourages readers to stay committed to their exercise and self-care routines, emphasizing that the relationship with oneself is the foundation of any other relationship.
Getting a Life
In the final section of the book, Kim explores the concepts of closure, love, and what it truly means to "get a life."
Redefining Closure
Kim challenges the common understanding of closure, suggesting that it's not about getting an ex-partner to understand your perspective. Instead, he defines closure as finding your own peace of mind and accepting that you might never fully comprehend the other person's experience in a past relationship. He encourages readers to view closure not as a slamming door, but as a bridge connecting them to a richer, more vibrant present.
A New Perspective on Love
Kim offers a fresh take on love, moving away from surface-level attraction. He describes real love as seeing the profound beauty within someone - their kindness, self-awareness, and understanding of how deeply we can impact one another. He emphasizes that true beauty is found in strength expressed through gentleness and in the ability to communicate emotions through words rather than outbursts or violence.
Kim also challenges the Hollywood notion of love as constant butterflies-in-the-stomach. Instead, he suggests that love is often found in quiet, ordinary moments - when you feel safe, comfortable in your skin, and when shared laughter lights up the room.
The Trifecta of Happiness
Moving beyond the idea that love equals happiness, Kim introduces a trifecta of authentic happiness: meaning, joy, and engagement.
Meaning: This comes from a deep sense of purpose. Kim encourages readers to find satisfaction in their current endeavors rather than pushing it off to the future. He suggests finding purpose in things you love, even if they're not part of your day job.
Joy: Kim emphasizes that joy isn't passive but requires active pursuit. He encourages readers to cultivate mindfulness and gratitude for small things, and to seek out joy in social interactions, good food, sports, or learning new things.
Engagement: This involves being present in all aspects of life - with those around you, in your daily activities, and in how you spend your time. Kim encourages honest, vulnerable interactions with others as a path to true happiness.
Creating Your Own Blueprint
Kim challenges readers to forget about clichéd long-term happiness targets like having a beautiful partner or a picture-perfect home. Instead, he encourages them to sketch out their own blueprint for life based on joy, meaning, and engagement.
He emphasizes that when you begin to see your own worth, everything shifts. You become open to new experiences, people, and places that amplify joy and fulfillment in your life. While this process may feel daunting, Kim reminds readers that personal growth is a marathon, not a sprint. With self-belief, he argues, you can transition from simply existing to truly living life to its fullest.
Final Thoughts
"Single on Purpose" by John Kim offers a refreshing and empowering perspective on singlehood. Rather than viewing being single as a temporary state to be endured until finding "the one," Kim encourages readers to embrace it as an opportunity for profound self-discovery and growth.
Throughout the book, Kim emphasizes several key points:
Self-connection is crucial: Whether single or in a relationship, developing a strong connection with yourself is fundamental to happiness and fulfillment.
Reframe loneliness: Instead of fearing loneliness, see it as an opportunity to deepen your relationship with yourself.
Understand your patterns: Reflecting on past relationships can provide valuable insights into your behaviors and preferences.
Embrace the journey of singlehood: Use this time to focus on personal growth, establish boundaries, and define your non-negotiables.
Nurture your sex drive: Remember that feeling sexy and confident starts with your relationship with yourself.
Redefine love and happiness: True happiness comes from a combination of meaning, joy, and engagement in life, not just from romantic relationships.
Create your own blueprint: Don't rely on societal expectations for happiness. Design a life that brings you fulfillment based on your unique values and desires.
Kim's approach encourages readers to view being single not as a problem to be solved, but as a valuable period for personal development. By focusing on self-growth, establishing strong boundaries, and creating a life you love, you set the stage for healthier, more fulfilling relationships in the future - whether with yourself or with a partner.
Ultimately, "Single on Purpose" is a call to action. It challenges readers to stop waiting for life to happen to them and instead take an active role in creating the life they want. It's about becoming the best version of yourself, not for the sake of finding a partner, but for your own growth and happiness.
As Kim emphasizes throughout the book, the most important relationship you'll ever have is the one with yourself. By nurturing this relationship and living life on your own terms, you open yourself up to a world of possibilities - in love, in life, and in personal fulfillment.
Whether you're newly single, long-term single, or even in a relationship, the principles in "Single on Purpose" offer valuable insights for anyone seeking to live a more authentic, fulfilling life. It's a reminder that true happiness doesn't come from outside sources, but from within. And that's a lesson worth learning, regardless of your relationship status.