Somehow Summary

Love arrives in many forms, some expected, some surprising – and it carries the power to rescue, connect, and transform us if only we let it.

1. Love is action, not merely a feeling

Anne Lamott challenges the idea of love being just an abstract emotion. She portrays love as an active force, something we demonstrate through service, kindness, and presence rather than sentiment or grandiose declarations. Love, she argues, is energy that manifests in the tangible decisions we make to care for others.

She shares her experience volunteering with a community outreach program to help unhoused individuals. Offering purple bags filled with essentials like soaps, socks, and lotions, she encountered varying reactions from the people she served. One man skeptically took a single pair of socks and walked away, while another was deeply grateful for every item inside. These encounters illustrate that though we cannot control how love is received, offering it is essential.

Through small actions, Lamott demonstrates how love can provide solace even in dire circumstances. She suggests it’s often found in the smallest gestures, like sitting with someone and listening to their story.

Examples

• Delivering lavender care bags to unhoused people, showing love without expectations.
• Witnessing skepticism balanced by genuine gratitude from recipients of outreach.
• Helping a friend rescue a frog, an act of love in its simplest yet profound form.

2. Friendship as a sanctuary

Friendships, Lamott says, are shelters where we feel safe to express vulnerability and receive comfort. Like a home, they flourish through trust, mutual support, and a willingness to weather conflicts together.

She recalls a conflict with her long-time friend, Tim, stemming from a misstep when offering him advice. Lamott's attempt to soothe his wounded ego led to hurt feelings, and they temporarily withdrew from each other. After reflecting on her actions and leaning on her self-love, she waited until Tim brought reconciliation. Their friendship weathered the storm because they prioritized understanding and patience over resentment.

Friendships are built on authenticity, but this comes with messiness. Allowing the cracks to show paves the way for deeper connections, as Lamott learned from repairing her relationship with Tim.

Examples

• Being a confidante to Tim during his struggles with resentment.
• Misunderstanding that led to temporary discord between Lamott and Tim.
• Their eventual reconciliation, demonstrating how love and trust strengthen bonds.

3. Doors as symbols of barriers and growth

Lamott often associates life’s challenges and transitions with doors – both their ability to shut people out and their promise to lead to new beginnings. The idea of hinges symbolizes the choice to open or close ourselves to possibilities.

Her vivid memories of this include the slammed doors of her childhood home, representing frustration and separation, and the doorway to her first support group meeting, symbolizing the start of her transformation and healing. She reminds readers that behind every difficult moment lies an entry point to growth and love.

This metaphor extends to her friend Karen’s terminal illness. Though heartbreaking, Karen embraced the remaining time she had and welcomed joy wherever she could. Like the changing tides, their friendship ebbed and flowed with grief and joy, demonstrating the resilience of love in the face of loss.

Examples

• Childhood memories of slammed doors and separation within her family.
• Entering a recovery group through an arched doorway, which represented new beginnings.
• Watching Karen turn a terminal diagnosis into lessons of resilience and joy.

4. Love means accepting imperfections

Lamott unpacks the messiness of love, emphasizing the need to accept both others’ and our own flaws. This acceptance becomes a gateway to healing and connection, even in moments of failure.

She recalls a public mistake when she tweeted an insensitive remark about a transgender celebrity. This misstep shook her deeply, as someone who has always advocated for inclusivity. Yet, it pushed her to educate herself, raise funds for LGBTQ causes, and approach others with more profound empathy.

Love often grows from vulnerability. Opening up to one’s imperfection, as Lamott learned, can also foster solidarity and mend relationships fractured by conflict or misunderstanding.

Examples

• The fallout from an insensitive tweet and the learning it prompted.
• Her effort to raise funds for a law firm supporting LGBTQ advocacy.
• The transformation stemming from accepting her mistake and seeking redemption.

5. Practicing solidarity in uncomfortable ways

The book illustrates loving expansively through stories of neighbors helping refugees and communities banding together in crises. Lamott celebrates these moments where people stretch their empathy despite personal discomfort.

She recounts her neighbor Paul hosting a Ukrainian refugee family in his home. Though the arrangement came with tensions and required adjustments, it bonded the two families and taught Paul the essence of shared humanity.

Periods of collective struggle, such as protests against gun violence, further underscore how coming together as a community magnifies love’s potential to effect change.

Examples

• Paul opening his home to help war-traumatized refugees.
• Overcoming cultural and language barriers to forge connections with his guests.
• Witnessing collective action in her community at anti-violence protests.

6. Memories can reveal unexpected love

Confronting our memories, though painful, may help us uncover truths that deepen our compassion. Lamott shares a dream about her father’s late girlfriend, Bev, stirring up unresolved feelings.

In Cuba, she grappled with these emotions and realized that Bev had cared for her father and shown love even during difficult times. This realization allowed Lamott to let go of resentment, finding empathy and acknowledgment instead.

Revisiting such memories, however haunting, offers closure and the chance to grow in our understanding of others and ourselves.

Examples

• A dream about her father’s girlfriend catalyzing unexpected self-reflection.
• Reflecting on Bev's kindness during her father’s illness despite Lamott's struggles.
• Finding peace and a clearer understanding of shared humanity during a trip to Cuba.

7. A new home as a chapter of transformation

Relocating with her partner, Neal, became a chance for Lamott to confront fear and past trauma. Reorganizing her attic, both literal and metaphorical, helped her let go of the weight of her past.

This reflection process taught her that physical spaces can mirror emotional states. She embraced change by clearing out old belongings and preparing for a shared future.

Ultimately, creating a shared home reminded Lamott of love’s ability to heal and rebuild. It brought clarity amid uncertainty about what lies ahead.

Examples

• The decision to move into a new space with her partner, Neal.
• Facing the emotional and physical task of clearing her attic.
• Transforming shared fears into bonding opportunities.

8. Shared struggle builds connection

Empathy can unite us when facing shared struggles, whether personal or societal. Lamott highlights how small connections in difficult times reaffirm that love persists even in adversity.

She reflects on the persistence of community organizations and individuals who uplift others in crises, whether by protesting injustice or offering food to those in need. This consistent thread of interdependence underpins humanity’s resilience.

Love, Lamott believes, thrives in shared efforts, whether within families, friendships, or broader communities.

Examples

• Individuals rallying against gun violence together.
• Community-led drives supporting displaced families.
• Small acts of kindness during daily struggles, from neighbors to strangers.

9. Hope endures through love’s renewal

Lamott concludes the book by tying love to hope and renewal. She tackles a simple yet profound question from a child – why is Good Friday “good”? The answer lies in love's ability to prevail over suffering, offering endless opportunities for redemption.

Citing William Blake’s quote, “We are put on Earth a little space, that we may learn to bear the beams of love,” Lamott captures the essence of the human journey. We are given finite time to practice love, both in giving and receiving.

These moments of renewal remind us that love’s transformative power is always within reach, grounding us through life’s many trials.

Examples

• A child’s question about Good Friday inspiring reflections on transformation.
• Poems and writings that connect love to resilience.
• Teaching that faith and love bring hope in dark times.

Takeaways

1. Practice love through small actions, like offering help or actively listening, even if outcomes are uncertain.
2. Allow yourself moments of vulnerability and self-reflection to process old wounds and build compassion for others.
3. Embrace the messiness in relationships by focusing on patience, acceptance, and solidarity during conflicts or discomfort.