The Invisible Orientation Summary

What if you never felt sexual attraction to anyone? Asexuality is just as valid as any other orientation, and understanding it opens the door to greater acceptance and respect for diversity.

1. Asexuality Means Lack of Sexual Attraction

Sexual attraction, arousal, and sex drive are different concepts often bundled together. While most people experience an interplay of all three, asexual people do not feel sexual attraction toward anyone. However, they may still experience arousal or have a sex drive. The distinction is essential in understanding asexuality as an orientation, not a decision or phase.

A lack of sexual attraction doesn't mean asexuals abstain from sex or are incapable of intimacy. Some engage in sexual activities due to curiosity, physical need, or to satisfy their partner, without it negating their asexuality. Orientation is defined by one's attractions, not actions. Just as someone who identifies as gay could hypothetically have sex with an opposite-sex partner, an asexual individual can engage in sex without altering their orientation.

Many people condescendingly tell asexuals they just haven’t "met the right person" or they’re "late bloomers." Statements like these dismiss asexuality’s authenticity, suggesting individuals don’t know their own feelings. Asexuality, like other orientations, isn’t something people decide; it describes the natural way they experience attraction.

Examples

• A woman identifies as asexual yet masturbates because it reduces stress, not because of sexual attraction.
• An asexual man agrees to engage in sex with his partner to maintain their emotional connection, despite no personal desire for it.
• Friends insist an asexual teen “waits until the hormones really hit,” misunderstanding his permanent lack of sexual attraction.

2. Love Doesn’t Always Involve Sex

For asexuals, the idea that "sex equals love" is a misconception. Romantic connections and platonic relationships can bring fulfillment without the need for physical intimacy. Asexual people still crave companionship, trust, and partnership – qualities that don’t demand sexual activity.

Intimacy can flourish in non-sexual ways, such as sharing life goals, offering emotional support, or enjoying sensory closeness. Many asexuals embrace gestures like cuddling, spooning, or kissing as ways to express their affection and connection. Romantic relationships for asexuals may involve a shared life without tying "romantic success" to having sex.

Some asexual individuals define their romantic preferences using terms like heteroromantic (romantic attraction to the opposite gender) or homoromantic (romantic attraction to the same gender). Additionally, those who are aromantic live contentedly outside the conventional structure of romantic relationships altogether.

Examples

• A heteroromantic asexual man organizes candlelit dinners and long walks with his partner, nurturing their bond without sexual activity.
• An asexual couple raises a child while running a business together, forming a strong, fulfilling partnership based on shared values.
• An aromantic asexual person thrives independently, focusing their energy on friendships and career goals.

3. Lack of Awareness Fuels Misunderstanding

Asexuality often goes unnoticed simply because most people don’t know it exists. This invisibility leads to stereotypes. Asexuals may be labeled as reclusive, overly religious, or inexperienced. These misconceptions dismiss and stigmatize their reality instead of fostering understanding.

Asexual men are sometimes mocked as impotent or weak due to society’s exaggerated association of masculinity with sexual conquests. Similarly, asexual women are unfairly labeled as frigid or undesirable. Such judgments are rooted in societal norms that equate maturity and happiness with sexual activity.

Mature asexual adults are burdened with being treated as "immature" by others. People mistakenly assume they’ll "grow into" sexual attraction, undermining their orientation. The casual dismissal of asexuality perpetuates harmful stereotypes and makes understanding their experiences even more challenging.

Examples

• A single, aromantic asexual man finds joy in his hobbies but is perceived as lonely and “missing out on life.”
• An asexual woman’s friends push her into blind dates, assuming her lack of interest in dating means she just hasn’t tried hard enough.
• Teenagers are ridiculed for identifying as asexual, accused of not understanding their own feelings or "lacking life experience."

4. Asexuality Isn’t a Disorder

Many assume asexuality must stem from physical or mental health issues. Asexuals are asked intrusive questions or told to seek medical help to prove their orientation isn’t a result of abnormality. This reduces their identity to a problem needing correction.

Medical tests, such as hormone checks, are sometimes imposed to invalidate asexual feelings. Similarly, people insist that asexuality must have been caused by past trauma, like abuse. Such assumptions are not only false but lack respect, forcing asexuals to defend their orientation as "real."

Psychologists, too, can lack understanding of asexuality. Asexual individuals may enter therapy only to be urged to "fix" themselves or explore possible latent desires. These invasive measures illustrate how society pathologizes what is simply an orientation.

Examples

• A young asexual is subjected to unnecessary hormone tests, despite never experiencing sexual attraction and not seeking medical answers.
• Friends casually link a woman’s childhood therapy sessions to her asexuality without evidence.
• Therapists ask asexuals if they are repressed or hiding a “secret sexual identity,” conflating issues unrelated to orientation.

5. Pressure to Conform is Overwhelming

Asexuality is often regarded as unnatural due to misconceptions about sexual reproduction’s link to naturalness. This causes others to pressure asexuals into "trying sex" or present sex as something that could “fix” them.

Some partners in otherwise healthy relationships see sex as "owed," leading to resentment or even exploitation. The desire to be seen as normal applies stress to asexual individuals, despite their happiness with their identity. Society assumes people just need convincing to "rethink" this aspect of themselves.

Pressure can also come in the form of pity or pitying comments, such as how much "simpler" life must be without sexual entanglements. These attitudes dismiss the challenges that asexuals contend with, such as finding like-minded partners who respect their boundaries.

Examples

• Strangers tell an asexual woman, “Sex with the right person will change your mind."
• A partner insists their asexual boyfriend just isn’t "trying hard enough" and pressures him into unwanted intimacy.
• Comments like "Your life must be so easy without dating drama" undermine the difficulties of navigating relationships as an asexual person.

6. Internet Communities Champion Visibility

Online forums have become vital for asexual people to find support and share experiences. These spaces provide education about asexuality, allowing both curious individuals and members of the community to connect.

Global forums foster asexual dating opportunities and serve as hubs for cultural conversation. Communities like these encourage visibility by creating symbols – such as the adoption of "cake" as a cheerful representation of "better than sex."

Collaborations with broader LGBTQ+ circles help spread awareness. Through education and discussion, asexual people are paving the way for more representation in research, media, and societal understanding.

Examples

• A young asexual learns about their identity through an online forum offering educational resources.
• Activism introduces "Asexual" checkboxes on surveys to recognize the orientation officially.
• Online campaigns spread lighthearted slogans like "Cake is better than sex" to normalize asexual perspectives.

Takeaways

1. Respect self-identification. Don’t challenge or question people when they disclose their sexual orientation.
2. Educate yourself about asexuality. Learn from forums, articles, or resources created by asexual communities to deepen your understanding.
3. Speak up for visibility. Raise awareness and advocate for inclusion of asexuality in sexual education, academic studies, and public discussions.