The Three Marriages

What if the real marriages of our lives are not just with other people, but also with the work we love and our inner selves?

1. Love demands courage and, sometimes, folly

Falling in love often requires bold, irrational acts. Love is filled with moments where emotion overtakes reason, driving individuals to take extraordinary steps. It is an arena where vulnerability and courage meet.

The story of Robert Louis Stevenson illustrates this clearly. He impulsively jumped through a window to confess his love for Fanny Osbourne, a woman he barely knew. This rash act of openness set the foundation for what would eventually become a lifelong romance. His willingness to act against caution exemplifies how love often involves acts that seem absurd yet deeply sincere.

Yet, love isn't just a spontaneous outburst or declaration. Navigating its complexities often means facing discomfort and challenges. Stevenson didn't just fall in love with Osbourne; he had to travel penniless and endure hardships to prove his commitment. Such sacrifices highlight the depth of his feelings.

Examples

• Robert Louis Stevenson leaping through a window to meet Fanny Osbourne.
• A young Stevenson hitchhiking to surprise a girlfriend, only to discover her disinterest.
• Fanny Osbourne’s later struggle to commit fully due to societal norms around divorce.

2. Commitment in relationships is a real-life test

Romantic relationships are full of hurdles that test the strength of love. This isn’t merely about initial attraction or chemistry but the capability to endure discomfort and doubt for the sake of the relationship.

Stevenson and Osbourne's story once again serves as an example. Stevenson lived in poverty in San Francisco while awaiting Osbourne’s decision to divorce her husband, a choice with severe social repercussions at the time. Osbourne’s eventual commitment involved risks, as marrying Stevenson meant financial uncertainty.

Not every romantic choice ends in happiness, as illustrated in Jane Austen's fiction. Characters like Charlotte Lucas, who marries without love, demonstrate how rushing into relationships for material benefit can lead to dissatisfaction. In contrast, taking time and enduring trials, as Stevenson and Osbourne did, can result in a enriched partnership.

Examples

• Stevenson’s years of waiting while Osbourne deliberated on divorcing her husband.
• Osbourne supporting Stevenson’s writing and nursing him through illness post-marriage.
• Charlotte Lucas and Mr. Collins's lackluster marriage in "Pride and Prejudice" as a cautionary tale.

3. Passions reveal the direction of our vocations

Life’s purpose often lies hidden in the passions we nurture and the experiences that shape us. Some hear their calling as clearly as Joan of Arc with her visions, while others find it through gradual exploration.

The author revisited his childhood fascination with marine biology, inspired by Jacques Cousteau, only to realize that his true passion lay in writing. Similarly, Charles Dickens leveraged the challenges of his youth in a blacking factory to fuel his drive to shed light on the hardships of lower-class Britain, transforming his struggles into an engaging literary career.

Discovering a vocation is greatly influenced by how we engage with our environment. Even harsh realities or moments of reflection can sow the seeds of purpose, just as Wordsworth found poetry in the rugged beauty of Cumbria.

Examples

• Joan of Arc’s vision directing her to lead her country to freedom.
• Charles Dickens’s early factory work shaping his advocacy for social reform in his writings.
• Wordsworth finding poetic inspiration in the natural landscapes of Cumbria.

4. Creative blocks nourish growth

Feeling stuck in work or creativity is not failure but an essential part of progress. Frustration and creative drought, though painful, often lead to personal development.

German poet Rainer Maria Rilke eloquently described the experience as trying to pass through solid rock. During his time of writer’s block, he found breakthrough inspiration through an exercise suggested by sculptor Auguste Rodin. While observing a panther in a zoo, he wrote “The Panther,” a masterpiece that symbolized his own artistic confinement.

Even negative personal experiences can fuel creativity. Rilke’s childhood traumas helped deepen his empathy and emotional expression as a poet. Similarly, significant challenges often lead us to unearth deeper resources we didn't know we possessed.

Examples

• Rilke finding inspiration at the zoo for “The Panther” after creative stagnation.
• Childhood struggles shaping Rilke’s poetic insights.
• Surrounding oneself with supportive, creative friends as Rilke did with Rodin.

5. Not marrying can also mean freedom

Marriage, while enriching for some, isn’t the only model for a fulfilling life. Jane Austen never married, but this allowed her the freedom to create iconic works that enriched literary history.

In Austen’s time, marriage was women’s primary social expectation, and she initially pursued it with enthusiasm. However, family and financial constraints prevented her from marrying her true love, Tom Lefroy. While societal norms effectively denied her the personal happiness of a romantic partnership, it ironically freed up time and mental space for her literary endeavors.

Austen’s novels continue to inspire readers by exploring the intricacies of relationships and independence, proving that not all paths to fulfillment require a partner.

Examples

• Jane Austen sacrificing potential matrimony for her writing career.
• Austen’s depiction of complex, imperfect relationships in her novels.
• The constraints marriage would have placed on Austen’s creative output.

6. Reconnect with your childlike self

The innocence and instincts of childhood are often muted by societal expectations. Rediscovering these qualities can lead to a more authentic connection with ourselves.

Modern education often teaches children to prioritize others’ expectations, like winning in sports. Passion is sidelined for competition and ambition, alienating children from what they truly love. Reclaiming that childlike wonder and questioning the world in personal terms helps adults reestablish their inner compass.

The author found his way back to this authentic space through poetry. By asking questions that reflected his own core fears and hopes, he bypassed conventional wisdom and rediscovered the joy of self-expression.

Examples

• Children losing joy in sports due to adult-imposed competitiveness.
• The author finding clarity by reframing existential questions in a poem.
• School systems emphasizing rote answers rather than lived experiences.

7. Suffering has its lessons

Instead of fearing suffering, embracing it can deepen our understanding of life. Buddhist teachings, for example, view pain as a natural part of our existence rather than something to be immediately fixed.

Deirdre Blomfield Brown, who became Buddhist nun Pema Chödron, is a testament to this philosophy. Confronting her despair, she reshaped her mindset and learned to approach negativity as a tool for personal growth. This shift allowed her to transform depression into insight.

Meditation is a practical way to observe negative emotions without succumbing to them. It offers a safe space to acknowledge suffering. This mindful practice can transform pain into a motivator for self-discovery.

Examples

• Chögyam Trungpa’s teachings inspiring Pema Chödron to embrace her depressive emotions.
• Meditation allowing individuals to see negative emotions as transient waves.
• Buddhist approaches to using suffering as a catalyst for self-awareness.

8. Meditation transforms how we view ourselves

Meditation helps us separate the temporary from the immutable parts of the self. Through stillness, individuals can confront feelings of loneliness or inadequacy and find peace in their deeper, unchanging nature.

Pema Chödron’s all-night meditation on rejection brought her to an understanding of her infinite inner self. This realization gave her the strength to rise beyond temporary emotions and better accept the world around her.

Similarly, people who embrace this kind of self-acceptance radiate a calming presence. As the author describes, such individuals can positively influence others just by being themselves.

Examples

• Pema Chödron meditating on personal pain to uncover deeper layers of self.
• The author’s daughter responding joyfully to Satish Kumar’s calm energy.
• Meditation as a tool for observing emotions without reacting to them.

9. Accept yourself before seeking relationships

To form meaningful connections, one must first make peace with internal truths. This involves hard work, like facing fears and learning to exist alone.

Accepting this solitude means doing nothing and allowing ourselves to sit with the discomfort. Through this practice, we acknowledge our small role in the larger universe while also connecting with profound inner strength.

People who reach this stage can then approach relationships with authenticity, benefiting both themselves and those they interact with.

Examples

• The author taking deliberate time out for life reflection.
• Pema Chödron drawing strength from recognizing her isolation and interconnection.
• Satish Kumar’s presence inspiring positivity in those around him.

Takeaways

1. Embrace discomfort as a path to self-discovery, whether in relationships, work, or personal emotions.
2. Carve out time regularly to reflect on the alignment of your actions with your true passions.
3. Practice mindfulness and meditation to engage with your deeper self and navigate life’s anxieties.