Introduction
In "The Three Marriages," David Whyte presents a unique perspective on the concept of marriage, extending it beyond the traditional notion of matrimony. He argues that we have three significant relationships in life that demand our attention, commitment, and love: our relationship with our romantic partner, our work or vocation, and our inner self. These relationships are so profound and demanding that Whyte likens them to marriages.
This book explores how these three marriages intertwine and influence each other, shaping our lives and identities. Whyte draws from a rich tapestry of historical examples, personal experiences, and poetic insights to illustrate the complexities and rewards of nurturing these three vital relationships.
The Marriage to a Romantic Partner
Love's Foolishness and Unconventional Paths
Whyte begins by exploring the nature of romantic love and its often unpredictable and seemingly irrational manifestations. He illustrates this with the story of Robert Louis Stevenson, the renowned author of "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde."
In 1876, at the age of 26, Stevenson was walking through a French town when he caught sight of a woman through a window. Overcome by an intense feeling of love at first sight, he impulsively jumped through the open window and declared his love for her. This bold and unconventional act was the beginning of Stevenson's relationship with Fanny Osbourne, who would later become the love of his life.
This anecdote serves to highlight how love can lead us to act in ways that may seem foolish or irrational to others, but which can ultimately lead to profound and life-changing connections.
The Challenges of Commitment
Whyte emphasizes that while the initial stages of romantic love can feel effortless and exhilarating, the path to a lasting commitment is often fraught with challenges and sacrifices. He returns to the story of Stevenson and Osbourne to illustrate this point.
When Osbourne returned to her husband and children in America, Stevenson, despite being penniless, embarked on a grueling journey across the Atlantic and the continental United States to reunite with her in San Francisco. This act of devotion came at great personal cost, as Stevenson endured poverty and uncertainty while Osbourne grappled with the decision to divorce her husband.
Whyte uses this example to underscore the reality that love does not guarantee instant happiness. Instead, it often requires significant sacrifices and compromises from both partners.
The Importance of Thoughtful Commitment
Drawing from Jane Austen's "Pride and Prejudice," Whyte cautions against rushing into marriage without careful consideration. He contrasts the hasty, ill-fated union of Charlotte Lucas and Mr. Collins with the more deliberate and ultimately more fulfilling relationship between Stevenson and Osbourne.
Osbourne's eventual decision to divorce her husband and fully commit to Stevenson led to a partnership that was not only romantic but also creatively and professionally supportive. Osbourne played a crucial role in Stevenson's success, offering editing advice, nursing him during illnesses, and protecting him from potentially harmful influences.
This example illustrates how a well-considered and deeply committed romantic partnership can enrich all aspects of life, including one's work and personal growth.
The Marriage to Work or Vocation
Discovering Your Calling
Whyte argues that finding one's true vocation is akin to falling in love. He encourages readers to pay attention to their inner callings and passions, even if they seem impractical or unconventional.
To illustrate this, he shares his own journey from aspiring marine biologist to environmental NGO worker to poet and writer. This personal anecdote demonstrates that our initial passions can often lead us to unexpected places, and that being open to change and self-discovery is crucial in finding our true calling.
Whyte also draws inspiration from historical figures to show how one's vocation can be sparked by both beauty and hardship. He contrasts the experiences of William Wordsworth, who found inspiration in the rugged beauty of his homeland, with Charles Dickens, whose harsh childhood experiences in a boot-blacking factory fueled his passion for social reform through literature.
Embracing Challenges in Creative Work
Whyte acknowledges that pursuing one's vocation is not always easy. He addresses the common experiences of creative blocks, frustration, and depression that often accompany meaningful work.
Using the example of the German poet Rainer Maria Rilke, Whyte encourages readers to embrace these difficult emotions as part of the creative process. He recounts how Rilke, struggling with writer's block, found inspiration after visiting a zoo at the suggestion of his friend, the sculptor Auguste Rodin. This experience led to the creation of one of Rilke's masterpieces, "The Panther."
Whyte also emphasizes the importance of drawing inspiration from personal experiences, even painful ones. He describes how Rilke's complicated childhood, marked by his mother's attempts to feminize him and his father's harsh response, provided a rich emotional well from which the poet could draw throughout his career.
The Potential Conflict Between Work and Romance
While exploring the marriage to work, Whyte raises an important point about the potential conflicts between one's vocation and romantic relationships. He uses the example of Jane Austen to illustrate how sometimes, fully committing to one's work may preclude traditional romantic partnerships.
Austen, despite her desire for romance and marriage, ultimately remained single. Whyte suggests that this may have been a blessing in disguise, as the societal expectations placed on married women in Austen's time would likely have prevented her from writing her now-classic novels.
This example serves as a reminder that sometimes, pursuing one's calling may require sacrifices in other areas of life. It also challenges the notion that marriage and family are necessary for a fulfilling life, showing how some individuals may find their greatest satisfaction and contribution to the world through their work.
The Marriage to the Self
Rediscovering Innocence and Authenticity
Whyte introduces the concept of the "inner self" as a vital part of our lives that often gets neglected as we grow into adulthood. He argues that children naturally have a strong connection to their inner selves, exhibiting qualities like simplicity, courage, and honesty that many adults admire and strive to recapture.
The author suggests that our education system and societal expectations often lead us away from our authentic selves. He uses the example of competitive sports to illustrate how adults' ambitions and expectations can overshadow a child's natural inclinations and joy in an activity.
To reconnect with our inner selves, Whyte encourages readers to relearn how to ask their own questions rather than simply accepting the questions posed by others. He shares a personal anecdote about grappling with philosophical questions about the nature of God as a student, only to realize that his true concern was about feeling safe or abandoned. This example demonstrates how exploring our own questions can lead to deeper self-understanding.
Embracing Negative Emotions
Whyte challenges the notion, often promoted in self-help literature, that we should always strive for positive emotions and avoid negative ones. Instead, he argues for the value of embracing all emotions, including difficult ones like pain, depression, and anxiety.
He shares the story of Deirdre Blomfield Brown, a high school teacher who transformed her life after encountering the teachings of Tibetan guru Chögyam Trungpa. Trungpa's writings helped Brown understand that it wasn't negativity itself that was causing her suffering, but rather her negative reaction to it. This insight led Brown to become a Buddhist monk, eventually known as Pema Chödron.
Whyte emphasizes that anxiety and worry are natural and even useful emotions that drive us to create stability in our lives. However, he cautions against the belief that success and wealth can eliminate anxiety entirely. Instead, he suggests meditation as a tool for developing a new perspective on our emotions, allowing us to observe them without being controlled by them.
Self-Acceptance and Its Impact on Relationships
The author argues that truly accepting oneself is a crucial step in developing meaningful relationships with others. He encourages readers to spend time alone, facing their feelings of isolation and loneliness head-on.
Whyte returns to the story of Pema Chödron to illustrate this point. He describes how Chödron spent a night meditating on her feelings of rejection, eventually realizing that these negative emotions were only a transient part of her true self. This acceptance allowed her to liberate herself from the power of her anxieties.
The author suggests that people who have faced and accepted themselves in this way radiate positive energy that naturally attracts others. He shares a personal anecdote about his shy daughter spontaneously embracing a monk named Satish Kumar, illustrating how self-acceptance can create a magnetic presence that others respond to positively.
The Interplay of the Three Marriages
Throughout the book, Whyte emphasizes that these three marriages - to a romantic partner, to work, and to the self - are not separate entities but deeply interconnected aspects of our lives. He argues that neglecting any one of these relationships can have negative impacts on the others.
For example, a strong sense of self and a fulfilling vocation can enhance a romantic relationship by bringing depth, purpose, and individual growth to the partnership. Conversely, a supportive romantic partner can provide the emotional stability and encouragement needed to pursue one's calling or engage in deep self-exploration.
Whyte also acknowledges that there may be times when these marriages come into conflict with one another. He uses the example of Jane Austen to show how sometimes, fully committing to one's work might mean sacrificing traditional notions of romantic partnership. Similarly, the demands of a romantic relationship or family life might require compromises in one's professional ambitions.
The author encourages readers to strive for a balance between these three marriages, recognizing that this balance may shift and change throughout different stages of life. He suggests that by nurturing all three relationships, we can lead richer, more fulfilling lives.
Practical Advice for Nurturing the Three Marriages
While much of the book focuses on philosophical and poetic explorations of these relationships, Whyte also offers some practical advice for readers seeking to strengthen their three marriages:
For the romantic partnership, he emphasizes the importance of open communication, shared goals, and mutual support. He encourages couples to view their relationship as a collaborative journey rather than a finished product.
In terms of vocation, Whyte advises readers to pay attention to their passions and inner callings, even if they seem impractical at first. He also stresses the importance of perseverance in the face of creative blocks or professional challenges.
For the relationship with the self, the author recommends practices like meditation, solitude, and self-reflection. He encourages readers to embrace all emotions, including negative ones, as part of the journey towards self-understanding.
Whyte also suggests regular reflection on how these three marriages are interacting in one's life. He recommends discussing these reflections with a partner or close friend, both as a way to deepen understanding and as a bonding exercise.
Conclusion
In "The Three Marriages," David Whyte presents a compelling argument for viewing our lives through the lens of three vital relationships: with a romantic partner, with our work, and with ourselves. By exploring historical examples, personal anecdotes, and poetic insights, he illustrates the complexities, challenges, and rewards of nurturing these three "marriages."
Whyte's approach encourages readers to move beyond conventional notions of success and happiness, instead focusing on the depth and authenticity of these core relationships. He argues that by giving due attention to each of these marriages, we can lead more fulfilling, purposeful lives.
The book challenges readers to embrace the difficulties and uncertainties that come with deep commitment, whether in love, work, or self-exploration. It suggests that true growth and satisfaction come not from avoiding challenges, but from facing them head-on and using them as opportunities for learning and transformation.
Ultimately, "The Three Marriages" offers a holistic view of life that recognizes the interconnectedness of our various roles and relationships. It encourages readers to strive for balance and authenticity in all areas of life, while also acknowledging that this balance may shift and evolve over time.
By reimagining these core aspects of life as marriages - commitments that require ongoing attention, love, and work - Whyte provides a framework for approaching life's challenges and opportunities with greater awareness and intention. His poetic and philosophical exploration of these themes offers readers not just practical advice, but also a deeper, more nuanced understanding of the human experience.